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Q&A: Mail

The sixty-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What are the best and worst letters you have ever received in the mail?”

Questions like these are hard for me because I have an extremely terrible memory, and I don’t want to give an answer and then realize that there was a much, much better one that just didn’t come to me at the time of writing.  But since there’s nothing I can really do about that, as I can’t force myself to remember things I don’t, I guess I’ll just have to go with the first ones that come to mind.  And by “first ones that come to mind”, I  mean first ones that come to mind the second time writing this, as WordPress deleted my first attempt. -_-

Anyway, what was the best letter I ever received in the mail?  Well, that’s a bit hard to say, as I’ve received many wonderful letters in the past; mostly from ex-boyfriends.  The ones I loved the most were certainly the letters and drawings my long distance boyfriend in high school sent me, the poems a boyfriend I had before having my son sent me, and the beautiful letters my longest running boyfriend sent me while we were living together.  I have to say that I think the latter letters were probably my absolute favourites, as I loved not only the letters themselves, but the fact that he knew me well enough to know how much receiving physical mail meant to me, so he made sure I got some that not only wasn’t just flyers, but was actually really special and loving.  Those letters meant the world to me then, and I’ll always hold them dear to my heart, because that was such a thoughtful and romantic gesture.  So I’m not entirely sure which of those letters I would say was the best one, but I definitely have to say it would have been one of his. :)

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Now, the worst letter?  I’m really not sure.  I can’t really remember getting a lot of bad mail, though I’m sure I have…so I guess I’d have to go with something from the CRA, because mail from them is almost never good.  But there’s not much more to say about that, so…that’s all for now!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the best thing you have ever won as a prize?”)

Q&A: Willpower

The sixtieth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “With whom is your willpower weakest?”

I think the answer to this depends on what I’m trying to use the willpower to fight. For a lot of things, it’s certainly my boyfriend, but when I’m with Mike it would also be him, as we are very bad influences on one another…and, of course, my son can crush my willpower quite often as well, when he wants to.  It’s strange, because that makes it sound like I have pretty much no willpower, when I actually can have fairly good willpower…I guess I’m just well swayed by the people I am closest to in my life, which are definitely those three.  Lately, though, I think I would have to say it’s probably weakest with my boyfriend, as I don’t think I have ever turned down anything with him yet, no matter how much I knew I should.  …That sounds a lot worse than it is, but usually what he breaks my willpower on most is food. I know I shouldn’t eat all of everything, and definitely not a whole bunch of sweets, but there I am doing it anyway, because he either gives me those things or encourages me to eat them on my own,  giving me surprisingly valid excuses to do so.  And I think that’s all there is to say about that!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What are the best and worst letters you have ever received in the mail?”)

Q&A: Recurrent

The fifty-ninth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the recurring dream that you most enjoy?”

This is a hard question for me to answer, because the only recurring dreams I can actually remember having were all when I was younger, and they were all fairly terrible.  Every single one of them involved death to some degree (murder or suicide, but never natural death), most of them involved some sort of trickery/deception, and they were always very dark and filled with imagery that would be the stuff of nightmares for most people.  For me, those dreams were a regular occurrence, so I never really felt very affected by them, but I know that most people having the same dreams would have been terrified of them.  So…I’m not sure I could really say I enjoyed any of my recurring dreams; I didn’t mind them very much, but I don’t think there were any I particularly liked…so I don’t think I really have an answer to this question, since there’s no point getting into the bad ones, as they don’t actually answer the question as it was presented.  Guess I’ll just leave it at that, then!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “With whom is your willpower weakest?”)

Q&A: Cruelty

The fifty-eighth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the cruelest thing a person has ever said to you?”

I spent a lot of time thinking about the answer to this, because I’ve had more than one abusive relationship, and figured the cruelest thing ever said to me must have been from one of those people…but when I really think about it, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.  They said some horrible things, and many of their comments were certainly intentionally cruel, but none hurt half as much as the comments my mother made to (and about) me a few years ago, when I had my son.  The absolute cruelest things she said were not actually said out loud, they were in writing in a notebook that I was not supposed to find (and only did by accident, while looking for somewhere to write notes on apartments I was viewing), so I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count…but the cruelest thing she said out loud to me was very much along the same lines.

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In the notebook, she wrote that she worried for my (at the time unborn) son’s future, because I was “too selfish and self-absorbed” to raise a child properly, and she didn’t want him to have to go through what “everyone else has to go through” to be close to me.  She wrote more than that, but I can’t remember it all at the moment, and when I confronted her about what she wrote, she ripped the pages from the notebook…but yeah, it was mostly just about how horrible I would be as a mother, and how miserable my child’s life would be because I was just such an unbearable person to be around due to the fact that I cared about no one but myself, and I would surely be the worst possible thing for him.  The comments she made were ironic for so many reasons, and also based entirely on nothing, since she knew next to nothing about me at that point, which she admitted years later when she finally did spend enough time with me to get to know how I thought, felt and treated people in my life…but they were still very hurtful.

As I said, though, those things weren’t really said to me, they were written about me, just not denied when I confronted her on them…so with respect to what she said to me, the cruelest thing was probably a few months after my son’s birth, when she told me I was “just like my father”.  Now, my father and I have a relatively close relationship, but I am well aware that it is a screwed up one, and there has been no point in my life when I wasn’t fully aware of my mother’s view of my father, so when she said that, I knew exactly what she meant by it.  At the time, my son was not eating due to a breastfeeding issue we encountered (which I think I have mentioned in this blog before), and the situation was getting pretty bad, so I was basically completely distraught.  I cried all the time, felt like a complete failure because I couldn’t even feed my child, and started to consider that he might be better off with someone else, who could care for him better.  His father and I briefly discussed putting him up for adoption, so he might have a chance at a better life, but when my mother found out, she flipped.

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“You’re just like you’re father,” she said. “Selfish, cruel, heartless, and unwilling to take responsibility for yourself or anything else in your life.”  I know she said more, but I can’t remember it all now…suffice it to say it was not a short conversation. She felt that my considering adoption was my attempt to get out of having to take on the responsibility of raising a child, and that I was more willing to ‘ruin’ his life by giving him up (ironic given that she’d previously written about how much *I* was going to ruin his life), because I was just oh so selfish, than have to “work hard at anything”.  You know, because I didn’t have a job since I was 10 years old, move out as soon as I graduated, go to college for two years, live in apartments for six years paying all of my bills on time without ever asking for any help from her, dad or anyone else, pay off all my student loans in two years (again, by myself), rendering myself debt free by the time I had my son, and so on, right?  Obviously, I’m just the biggest slacking mooch ever. And as I’ve said, I know what her views on my father are; if she thinks I’m just like him, she basically thinks I’m the lowest type of person you could ever hope to encounter.  So, yeah, that felt pretty cruel to me, especially since as I said, at the time she actually knew next to nothing about me.

She has apologized for saying those things since, and as I said, admitted that she never even knew me until this past year (and even then, I wouldn’t say she knows me well by any stretch of the imagination) and said that I am a good mother, yet every so often, she will still insert a little comment that makes me feel like I am going to screw him up worse than anyone else ever could.  Which, again, is ever so ironic.

So, there you have it!  This came off a lot more bitter than I intended it to, but the wound is actually relatively fresh yet again, for reasons I won’t get into here…so that’s why.  Happier topics next time! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!
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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the recurring dream that you most enjoy?”)

Q&A: Hard Love

The fifty-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the hardest thing about love?”

This question is very well timed, as this is something I’ve had to deal with a lot lately.  See, I’ve been in many relationships in my life, but as much as I’ve been through and as much as I’ve thought I loved people before, I never actually had to face how hard love really is until now…because I guess I never actually felt it.  I mean, I loved the people I was with before, to some degree, but considering how significantly different I feel in my current relationship, and how much it has already changed for me, I have to think that there’s probably a pretty good chance that I was never in love before.  Or maybe it’s just that this is the first healthy relationship I’ve had in a long time, if it can be argued that I ever had one before it at all, so I’ve had to approach it completely differently than I did my previous unhealthy relationships.

Either way, as I said, lately I’ve had to face the fact that real love is not easy, but not in the ways I had thought before.  In the past, I let a lot of bad things happen in my relationships, because I completely misunderstood what people meant when they said that love and relationships weren’t easy, and that good ones took work.  I took that to mean that they required sacrifice, which is true, but not in the ways that I was sacrificing myself in the past…and that because a good relationship is worth fighting for, that that excused any amount of actual fighting that went on, because obviously we wouldn’t fight if we didn’t care about each other, right?  Yeah.  I was very naive, for a very long time, and things got pretty bad because of it. I let things get way out of hand, and stayed in situations I logically knew better than to stay in, because I thought that I must love these people if I was willing to give up so much of myself for them.  What I failed to realize was that if the relationships had actually been healthy, I wouldn’t have had to give up myself.

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Anyway, what is the hardest thing about love?  Being vulnerable.  That’s not something I’m used to.  In the past, I never really felt vulnerable in any other sense than that I knew that the possibility existed that the people I loved (whether my partner, friends or family) could die (which was and is something that worries me a lot more than it probably should on a daily basis); otherwise, while I knew that my partner could leave me at any time, I never really thought that they would.  See, in my previous relationships, no matter  how dramatic or horrible they got, I felt a certain sense of security in them, because I knew those partners needed me (for one reason or another), so even if we weren’t happy, it was less likely for them to leave unexpectedly.  I also never really gave my whole heart to those relationships, both because they were never really my ‘idea’ (that is, I was not the pursuer, and in most cases I actually wasn’t even all that interested in the person in the beginning, I just gave it a shot because I knew it was what they wanted and I felt guilty) and because I was never really all that happy in them, so I didn’t ever worry about how much the loss of them would effect me until it was happening…at which point the upset I felt was more because of how much I had invested into the relationship (time, money, energy, etc.) and how much I hated that I felt that much further from finding someone to spend my life with, than it was because I was actually sad to lose the person.

Ultimately, I knew none of them were “the one” for me, as much as I wanted them to be so I could stop starting over in relationships all the time, so I guess I just never gave as much of myself emotionally as I could have had I actually been in love with any of them…though of course I didn’t know that that was the case until I met someone I actually did fall in love with, and could see the difference.  And the main difference, of course, is how vulnerable I have felt since being with him.  It’s been almost crippling, at times, to be honest…and without the amazing support provided to me by both my lovely boyfriend himself and the best friend anyone could ever ask for (Mike), I would have run away from this relationship long ago.  And that would be the single worst thing I could ever do to myself.

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See, I’ve been through several abusive relationships, on top of a childhood that was largely good but also extremely screwed up in some ways (and, as I’ve learned, was perhaps even more screwed up than I consciously remember), so as a result, I have developed a lot of fear.  Fear of being cheated on, fear of being abandoned, fear of being left for someone better, fear of being abused again, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of taking advantage of others, fear of being abusive, fear of not being good enough, fear of annoying people, fear of being too damaged, fear of disappointing my partner, fear of confrontation, etc., etc., etc…I could go on for days with the things I fear.  The thing is, I didn’t realize how afraid I actually was until I was given someone to love who treats me wonderfully, because the fear of losing him is by far the single greatest fear I have ever had in my life, and has stirred up all those other fears so much that it’s been almost suffocating at times.  And yes, I have tried to run, and I am not at all proud of that, but at the time I didn’t know what else to do, and I thought it would be for the best for him if I left. Luckily, as I mentioned, my incredible boyfriend and best friend both stepped up and helped me see how much I was self-sabotaging, and have helped me find methods to deal with that, so I can move through the process of healing myself enough that I won’t be so scared and feel so vulnerable all the time.

Because, y’know, I really have never felt this vulnerable in my life.  This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in where I feel like I’m the one who loves more, and who is most definitely the pursuer and the one more invested in the relationship, and that is absolutely terrifying.  I am so afraid of screwing this up that even the slightest idea that he could be annoyed with or mad at me fills me with anxiety, and it’s only now that I have realized just how non-confrontational I really am.  I hate fighting, I hate drama; I just want everything to be happy and loving all the time…and I know that’s not possible, and I can accept that, I just really don’t want to do anything to make him leave me, and I’m so very aware, in this relationship, of how real a possibility it is that he will.  Why?  Because he doesn’t need me, he wants me.  There is nothing I can do for him that he can’t do for himself, and it’s very hard for me to accept that, because that means he’s only with me because he wants to be, because I make him happy, and…that’s not something I have ever experienced before.  I don’t know how to be with someone that actually wants me, and respects and loves me for who I am.  It’s 100% foreign.

So it’s a hard process, training myself out of past thought patterns and into better, healthier ones, and I know I’m going to feel very vulnerable and very afraid for a long time, but I also know he loves me, and I know he’ll always be there for me, so…I can do it.  It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it is also absolutely the most rewarding, amazing experience of my life, and I have yet to spend a single moment with him in which I wasn’t completely aware of how much I love him.  He is the most incredible person I have ever met, and I can’t imagine ever going through, with him, the things I went through with others.  Hell, we haven’t even been mad at each other yet, because we talk everything out so well. I can only hope to be lucky enough to make that last.  He is so worth it, and I am so grateful to finally be in a healthy, happy relationship.  It is more amazing than I even imagined it would be.

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Sorry for the incredibly long answer!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the cruellest thing a person has ever said to you?”)

Q&A: Being Strict

The fifty-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the strictest a parent should be?”

I’m not really sure how to answer this question, because I think it’s entirely based on the situation.  I mean, some kids require their parents to be stricter to them in order to enforce the same lessons that other kids would learn without strict guidelines, and it also depends on the severity of the situation; like I think if a parent is being strict with their child about something that could potentially be harmful to themselves or someone else, it’s much more acceptable than if they are being strict about something that is relatively unimportant (or something where the punishment is not in balance with the misdeed). I feel like I’m explaining this horribly, but for some reason I just can’t seem to find the right words to say what I want to say today…so I apologize for that.

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In general, though, I definitely do think there are situations in which it is necessary to be fairly strict with your child, but I’m not sure I can comment on exactly how strict a parent should be.  Is this asking if I think it’s okay to spank a child?  Because in some situations, yes, I do.  Luckily I haven’t had to, but I do think it’s something that the current generation could have done with a bit more of. :P Obviously, it’s never okay to beat a child, or punish them in a way that is demeaning or otherwise abusive, and I do think that in general, yelling is not as useful as some parents might hope it would be…but a stern voice, setting down strict guidelines in situations where it is actually in the child’s best interest to do so, and things like that, I think can be acceptable, as long as the parent is fully aware of what they are doing and the impact they are having on their child.  It’s all about paying attention, I guess.  I don’t know.  I still feel like I’m not making this very coherent, so I’m just going to stop now.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the hardest thing about love?”)

Q&A: Smile Lines

The fifty-fifth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Whose smile can most easily persuade or seduce you?”

I think I have to give two answers to this question, because the person whose smile can most easily persuade me is most certainly NOT the same person whose smile can most easily seduce me :P  It would be VERY weird if it was!

Okay, let’s start with the person who can most easily seduce me, because that’s simple; Tom Hiddleston.

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Mmm…if only he did ;)

…Wait, I might get in trouble for that answer.  Actually, probably not, because my boyfriend is awesome, but…until I meet Tom Hiddleston, I guess I can’t legitimately be seduced by him.  Someday!  Until then, though, it’s definitely my boyfriend.  I know that seems like the answer I have to give, especially given what I just said, but it’s the truth; he’s got one of the most gorgeous smiles I’ve ever seen in the first place, and when he gets that devilish glint in his eye, or that certain look he has that says he wants me right now, his lips curl into just about the sexiest smile you could possibly imagine, and…yeah.  There’s no turning back at that point.  TMI, sure, but hey, it’s honest.  My boyfriend is fucking hot.

So, now that I’ve been completely inappropriate, on to whose smile can most easily persuade me!  The answer to that makes this post even more inappropriate and awkward, so yay to that, because the answer is, of course, my son! He, too, has one of the best smiles I’ve ever seen, and definitely the best laugh I’ve ever heard, so he can persuade me to do just about anything when he’s in a good mood.  God help me when he finally learns that giving me that smile will work far better than whining or crying ever will (seeing as those don’t work at all on me), because it is legitimately incredibly hard to resist him when he’s happy.  Even when he’s done something bad and he’s in trouble, if I’m looking at him and he starts smiling or laughing, any anger or frustration just melts away, and when he wants something and he’s being super sweet and cute about it, well…sometimes, just sometimes, I’ll give in.  And that, my friends, is why my son has a multitude of stuffed animals.

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So there you have it! Smiles work on me. I like when people are happy, to the point that it’s actually a weakness.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the strictest a parent should be?”)

Q&A: Remembered

The fifty-fourth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What would you most like to be remembered for after you die?”

Well, I’m assuming I can answer this as though I’ve actually done something worthy of being remembered after I die…so I would most like to be remembered for making a difference in someone’s life, or changing something substantially for them in a positive way.  I know that’s a pretty standard answer, but it’s the truth.  Obviously, I would prefer if I could make a difference in the lives of many people, but even if it’s only one, if it’s significant, that’s what I’d like to be remembered for.  That would make life worthwhile.

Really, I just want to make people happy, make them laugh, and give them the things they need and deserve, whenever possible.  I always get really sappy and emotional when I see good people finally being given something back after they’ve devoted so much of themselves to someone/something else, or had a hard life, and I just want to be a part of that.  I want to be able to be the person who rewards them, who makes them feel good, who gives them faith in humanity again, who lets them know that they are loved and appreciated, and that their contribution matters.  I want to make them smile, and I want them to remember that about me, if nothing else.

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I want to be that person.

So, yeah, just making a difference, or a positive change.  Making people smile.  Helping those who don’t feel important or loved learn what it feels like to be important and loved.  Just being a good thing :P  That’s how I’d like to be remembered….as someone who devoted their whole life and heart to making life better for others.  Hopefully someday I can start on that path.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Whose smile can most easily persuade or seduce you?”)

Ahhh, another chapter of pointless conversation and the relentless description of tension between Edward and Bella.  See why I said these chapters were repetitive?  It’s just the same crap, over and over, except I care less and less every time.  And I really don’t care about what Bella does and does not like, which is at least half this chapter, so hopefully I’ll be able to skim through that pretty quickly.

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The chapter starts with eeeeeveryone watching Bella and Edward as they walk to their table in Bio class (because they are obviously just so fucking fascinating when they’re doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary), and Edward sitting closer to Bella than he used to while they watch a video (on VHS, at that).  Meyer goes on for an entire page about the tension between them as they both apparently sneak peeks at one another and hurt themselves trying not to touch each other, because the desire to is just soooo strong, and Bella has to try not to hyperventilate when Edward smiles at her, which I don’t feel like is normal at all.

In the end, she remembers absolutely nothing about the movie they watched because she’s so wrapped up in Edward – god, that is a healthy level of obsession, isn’t it? – and then Edward walks her to gym class, where he looks torn and pained and all those other things you want someone to look like when they’re agonizing over how much they want you (or so I assume, given Meyer keeps telling us that), until he runs his hand down her face.   Neither of them says anything after that, they both just leave, and Bella goes to get changed in a trance because apparently Edward makes her “lightheaded and wobbly” MULTIPLE TIMES in just this one chapter.  Yay.

Then it’s time to play what I’m assuming is badminton but is at least some game with a racket, and Mike offers to be her partner because “some vestiges of (Mike’s) chivalry still survived“…oh come on now; he’s not gonna turn into a gigantic dick just because you turned him down, you self-absorbed bitch.  He was never mean to you, not even for a second, so you have absolutely zero reason to believe he would be now.  Stop acting like every fucking person who is nice to you is secretly out to get you!

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Thankfully she at least thanks Mike for partnering up with her even though she sucks worse at sports than anyone else on the planet, but then thinks “Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike”, which makes me want to stab her again.  Again, Mike has been NOTHING but nice, friendly and understanding to her, so there is no reason why it shouldn’t ALWAYS be easy to like Mike.  Maybe I’m being too sensitive here, but this shit pisses me off.  She’s still being an ungrateful bitch, and more so to the two people who are nicest to her than anyone else, and it is infuriating!

Blah blah blah, details of how much she sucks at sports yet again, and Mike is only “pretty good” at them despite winning 3 of 4 games singlehandedly, and then her “feelings of affection” for him disappear because he has the absolute gall to ask if she and Edward are together.  What the FUCK is wrong with this girl?? She curses Jessica here too, for some reason…I’m assuming the logic there is that she assumes that Jess told Mike about her and Edward, but she’s been fucking with Edward everywhere she goes; I think Mike could figure it out on his own!

She gets all defensive when he says he doesn’t like that Edward looks at her like she’s something to eat, but then she thinks it’s funny because he (Edward) is doing exactly that, which is just her missing the fucking point entirely.  Mike has her best interests at heart, and she’s not even considering that for a second; she’s just telling him to mind his own business and laughing because he doesn’t know how RIGHT he is!  Fuck, she is the stupidest fucking character!

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She doesn’t spend even two seconds thinking about the conversation with Mike once she leaves him; she just goes back to getting butterflies over Edward again as she wonders whether he’ll be waiting to drive her home or not. Of course he fucking will; he made you come to school without your car, he’s not gonna just make you walk home without at least telling you about that beforehand! That’s just common decency!

She worries about whether his family knows that she knows they’re vampires or not, but that line of thinking quickly disappears when Edward is outside the door waiting for her, as expected, and she feels all relieved.  I’m sorry; I’m really annoyed by all this right now, so I may be saying things more sarcastically than perhaps I should be.  Anyway, they start talking about her gym class, and she realizes that Edward was listening in on her through Mike.  Edward says Mike is getting on his nerves, which is funny since all he’s done ‘wrong’ is have the exact same fucking concern for Bella that Edward keeps saying he has for her, and that he wishes she would have for herself…so yet again, someone is a dick to Mike for no good reason.

Of course Bella is all annoyed that Edward was listening in on her again, because she was somehow stupid enough to have not predicted that would happen, and then is subsequently annoyed because he doesn’t sound remorseful when he blames her for being the reason he did it (what?), so she ignores him, but walks to his car anyway.  “I hate you, don’t talk to me, but please drive me home!”  Bitch.

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Meyer decides to take another detour in her own story here and go on about cars for a  bit again, which is still entirely irrelevant to anything, but it gets Bella and Edward talking again, so clearly that was the point.  This exchange annoys me though, because Bella bothers to ask what kind of car Rosalie is driving, and then immediately makes it clear – in the most bitchy way possible – that she knows fuck all about cars.  So why did she ask in the first place?!

Bella and Edward make a deal that she will forgive him if he apologizes to her and agrees to let her drive on Saturday (after he rejects her attempt to make a deal that will keep him from listening in on her again; she gave that one up pretty easily), so he apologizes.

After that, they get into another completely unnecessary conversation about how Edward won’t bring a car on Saturday so that Charlie won’t find out that they’re together, even though he loves that family so there’s no reason why it would be a bad thing if he did find that out…and then they’re at Charlie’s, and Bella is asking if it’s “later” yet so she can find out about…whatever it was at the end of the last chapter that was supposed to be important.  See, that’s how much I care, and how well this book sticks with me.  Fuck.

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Oh, right, it’s about why she can’t see him hunt. He apologizes for scaring her with his reaction to her asking if she could see it sometime, then explains that the reason it would be so dangerous for her to be around while they hunted is that they give themselves over to their senses when they hunt, so he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t hurt her.  Reasonable.  Bella doesn’t say or do anything in response to this, just stares at him until he tells her she should go inside, getting all dizzy and weird again.

She gets out of the car, Edward informs her that it’ll be his turn to ask questions next, and then he’s gone, and this chapter gets even less interesting than it was before.  She has a restless sleep full of dreams of Edward, wakes up and bitches about the clothes she has to wear because of the weather in Forks, has a different breakfast than Charlie because for some reason he doesn’t make her any eggs, which I find hard to believe, and then she and Charlie have a completely pointless conversation in which he reiterates that she is going to Seattle and isn’t going to the dance.  Really, why did we need that, Meyer?  You’ve already been over those points a thousand times.

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Charlie leaves, and as soon as he’s gone, Edward is there waiting for Bella.  She leaves without locking the door, which we for some reason needed to know even though it doesn’t come up again in the chapter at all, then gets into the car with Edward, who is excruciatingly perfect and beautiful and blah blah blah; shut the fuck up.

I was always good – much more than good – when I was near him.

Really?  Because I have seen absolutely no fucking proof of that.  Most of the time when you’re with him, you’re pissed off about something, and the rest of the time you’re scared of something; it’s very, very rare that you’re actually happy or “good”.  Even when things are going the way you supposedly want.

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Edward asks her how she is and they discuss how little she slept, because hahahaha that’s so fucking funny because Edward doesn’t sleep at all, and then he starts in with the insane questions, which I’m not even going to bother to list off because they are really just the most boring questions that there is no reason why we would need the answers to at all, so I’ll only mention the especially stupid/annoying things that come of this conversation.

“‘Everything that’s supposed to be brown – tree trunks, rocks, dirt – is all covered up with squashy green stuff here,’ I complained.”

…That’s something worth complaining about?  Seriously?  Who the fuck would rather see dirt than vegetation? She said herself how pretty all the green stuff was, didn’t she?  I’m not going back to check, because fuck that, but really; this is such a fucking bullshit complaint.

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It turns out that Edward has the same CD Bella has, the one that her stepdad gave her, which is supposed to be one of those “omg we have so much in common” moments…but really, it just doesn’t come off as interesting to even the slightest degree here.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d talked so much. More often than not, I felt self-conscious, certain I must be boring him. But the absolutely absorption of his face, and his never-ending stream of questions, compelled me to continue.

Uggggh, you’re definitely boring me, if nothing else, and I have NO idea how anyone could be ‘absorbed’ by this pointless crap.  I don’t care what your favourite colour or movie or whatever the hell is, and why the hell would someone who has lived for centuries give a shit about that either?  This is NOT an interesting character, Meyer, and there is NO reason why someone like Edward would be drawn to her, or want to know any of this shit, and even less reason why we as the readers need to know it!

Blah blah fucking blah, her favourite gemstone is the colour of his eyes, how fucking surprising, and this goes on and fucking ON, until they have another tense movie session in bio class which ends, once again, with Bella having retained exactly none of what was in the video, and after which Edward touches her face again when he drops her off at gym class.  I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.  NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

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In gym, Mike ignores her, and she can’t tell if it’s because she looks distracted or if it’s because of their “squabble” the day before, and she considers feeling bad about that but decides she can’t be bothered because she’s a gigantic bitch.  Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it’s because she “can’t concentrate on him“. …No, yeah, that’s the same thing; she is really just a gigantic bitch.  Seriously, how fucking self-absorbed can you be?!  I’d like to say she’s not going to have many friends left if she keeps treating people this way, but clearly in Meyer’s experience that’s not the case, so it won’t happen…and that is somewhat infuriating to me.  God, I hate this book.

She rushes to change so she can be with Edward one millisecond sooner, who apparently starts questioning her again the moment he sees her.  Yaaaaaay.  They talk for hours about stuff that’s supposed to be deep and meaningful and interesting, but that I still just don’t even give the smallest of shits about, and then Edward reminds her that her father will be home soon, so they should probably stop talking.

“‘Charlie!’ I suddenly recalled his existence, and sighed.”

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I just…I just hate you so much.  So, so much.

She asks what time it is, which leads to a little rant from Edward about how it’s twilight (which does not really tell her what time it is, but hey, whatever) and how sad and ‘predictable’ the darkness is, and that feels ridiculously lame to me, but apparently we need to know that that’s the safest time of day for vampires for some reason.  Bella says she likes the dark, then Edward reminds her again that Charlie’s about to show up and informs her that there will be more fucking questions in the morning (kill me now), before realizing that “another complication” has arisen.

What complication is that?  Why, it’s a car pulling up that isn’t Charlie’s, that causes Edward to take off quickly, because inside the car are Jacob and his father.  Good times.  Jacob doesn’t notice Edward, but his father does, and he is clearly not amused at all.  The description of him is kind of terrifying and horrible, but of course Bella would see him that way since he’s an enemy of Edward in her eyes, so…yeah.  The chapter ends with Bella realizing that Billy (Jacob’s father) does ‘believe’ the ‘impossible legends’ about the vampires, and you have no idea how happy I am that this is over.  How did this book get so popular?  It’s so boring, and Bella is a TERRIBLE character!  Ugh.  That’s it for now.

But god, I wish it was.

But god, I wish it was.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

This chapter is pretty much just one giant conversation between Bella and Edward, and while it’s not too painful to read, there is, of course, a whole bunch of crap added that we definitely didn’t need, that could have made it much shorter if Meyer had cut it.  I really wish she would do that, even once.

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So the chapter starts with Bella arguing with herself over whether or not what happened the night before was a dream…so in other words, pointless blather.  More pointless blather about the weather, breakfast, and other things follows that, and then there is Edward’s car at the end of her driveway, and Edward asking her if she wants a drive to school with him.  What a nice, creepy way to start the day; a vampire walking up to you out of the fog, asking if you want to spend time alone with him in his car.

There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice – I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.”

Maybe it’s just me, but something feels very off about how this sentence is worded.  To me, it sounds like Bella isn’t used to being able to refuse things, even though there’s been no sign in the book thus far that anyone has ever stopped her from making her own choices about things.  Even Edward, who wants her to make the choice to stay away from him for her own good, is still (for some reason) giving her the right to make that choice herself instead of making it for her.  So why does she seem so surprised?  Maybe I’m just reading this wrong.

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Anyway, it’s no surprise that she agrees to go with him, and once she’s in his car he offers her his jacket again, because he knows Jessica still has hers.  Awww, he’s so considerate, and she’s so horny about his scent and his ‘perfectly muscled chest‘ that she can see through his shirt since he’s not wearing the jacket…

Bella feels awkward as they drive, because she doesn’t know what sort of dynamic they should have, and then Edward starts talking to her about her questions and reactions to him, and accuses her of editing her responses when she tells him what she’s thinking.  She tells him he doesn’t want to hear what she’s really thinking, which is a stab at him for when he said that the night before, so they go back to silence until they get to school, when Bella asks where his family is.

That question leads to a bunch of useless paragraphs about how the vampires want to fit in but they like shiny cars and driving fast too much, and then there’s Jessica, waiting for Bella with her jacket.  Jess is very awkward about Edward being with Bella for some reason (is it really that much of a surprise, given the night before?), so she takes off, and Edward and Bella discuss what she’s going to say to Jess when she sees her in class.

Bella uses Edward’s ability to read Jess’s mind to find out what she wants to know, which is if Edward and Bella are dating, and how Bella feels about him.  Bella takes that opportunity to find out where she stands with Edward, which is surprisingly clever for her, and he tells her that she should say yes to the question of whether or not they’re dating, because it’s “easier than any other explanation“.  How romantic.  At least he touches her hair while he does this, to make it somewhat less depressing.

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Edward leaves for class, telling her he’ll be waiting to see what her answer is to the question of how she feels about him, and then instead of being happy that she’s just found out she’s dating the guy she’s got a crush on, Bella is irritated because Edward is going to ‘cheat’ to find out how she feels.  If you’re dating the guy, how is that a problem?  Why can’t you focus on the good parts of any situation for more than 3 seconds?  So what if he knows how you feel about him; he just revealed that he wants to date you, and not only that, but he wants to let others know that! Clearly he feels something for you, as much as he shouldn’t! Aggh.

Mike starts talking to Bella once she sits down in class, asking about her time in Port Angeles, and then they chat briefly about his date with Jess…which he seems a lot happier about than he should, considering he didn’t want to date Jess, he only went out with her because Bella wouldn’t go out with him.  But hey, maybe he’s just a generally lonely guy, so he’s happy with whatever he can get.  I just can’t see this being how things would legitimately go in real life, unless the guy was just using the girl. I hope that’s not the case; poor Jess.

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Blah blah blah, time and classes go by, Bella “agonizes” over crap that’s really not all that bad, and then she is in class with Jess, and Jess is excited to hear about what happened with Edward.  Bella tells her all about all the things we already know, and then Jess asks if Edward has kissed her, to which she responds that “it’s not like that“.  …What?  He said you’re dating; how is it not “like that”?  Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t; if he wants you to be dating, chances are it is very much “like that”, and you should know that!  Besides, this makes it sound like you’re not even dating, which again, he just said you are!

Still, Bella says she doubts Edward will kiss her on Saturday either, so I’m willing to bet he will (even if only to spite her), and then Bella tells her about the waitress hitting on him and whatnot.  Again, this is all stuff we already knew that to some extent I understand why is here, but still do not believe has to be here in such detail.  Unfortunately, Meyer, I was paying attention the first time you described all this shit; I really don’t need to go through it all again.

Jess points out that Edward must like Bella if he was ignoring the pretty waitress for her, even though that’s kind of flawed logic, and Bella says she thinks he likes her, but it’s hard to tell.  Again, really? How is it hard to tell?  He JUST SAID YOU ARE DATING.  Most people don’t date people they don’t like, especially not when said person is someone who has told you repeatedly that they shouldn’t be around you for your own good, yet can’t seem to stay away from you! If how he feels about you trumps that, I’m pretty damn sure he fucking likes you! Still don’t know why, but yeah!

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For some reason.

They discuss how intimidating and gorgeous he is, and Bella has a very hypocritical thought about Jess’s view on things; she says Jess acts like Edward’s being gorgeous excuses any of his flaws, but that’s exactly what Bella has fucking done.  She’s decided that because he is pretty and she’s attracted to him, it doesn’t matter that he’s a vampire.  Bella, seriously, become even the slightest bit self-aware, here.  You can’t look down on Jess for doing something that you are doing to a MUCH worse degree.  I’m pretty sure Jess would be way more turned off by finding out he’s a vampire than you have been.  But damn, those abs, eh?  Totally worth dying for.

Bella goes on about how much more unbelievable Edward is behind his good looks, despite that she knows next to nothing about him, and then Jess confirms that Bella likes him, and asks her how much she likes him.  Is this actually a thing that teenaged girls do?  Because I don’t remember doing that.  I remember being asked if I liked someone, but once the answer was out, no one pressed about degrees of liking the person.  But I guess Meyer needed a way for Bella to reveal that she believes that she likes Edward more than he likes her, so she and Edward can have an asinine conversation about that later, so there you have it.

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Class ends, and as Bella and Jess leave, Bella makes sure to change the subject to her brief conversation with Mike about his date with Jess, so that she doesn’t have to talk about Edward anymore…and apparently they’re able to talk about that approximately two sentence long conversation for the entirety of the next class.  Dear god, I’m so glad I was never that kind of teenaged girl.  I’d have had to stab myself, I’m pretty sure.

When they leave for lunch, Jess confirms that Bella isn’t going to be sitting with her and her friends, and then there is Edward, waiting just outside the class for Bella.

Jessica took one look, rolled her eyes, and departed.”

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.…Why would she roll her eyes? She wants this for Bella; she’s excited about it…that is a completely nonsensical reaction.  I’m not sure why that annoys me so much, but it does…maybe because Meyer keeps having Bella treat Jess like shit, and then seems to be trying to make it look like Jess is being a bitch here, when she really isn’t a bitch at all.  I don’t know.

Bella and Edward exchange hellos, then don’t speak anymore (because Edward looks irritated again; yay) until they get to the lunch line, where Edward begins piling up food for the two of them.  Good of him to decide what she wants, isn’t it?  But hey, I guess he pays for it, so whatever.

Everyone stares at them “in amazement” wherever they go together, because I guess Edward must never have been seen with anyone outside his family ever before now, and for some reason everyone is much more invested in that than there is any reason to be…and then they’re sitting at their lunch table, with Edward proving he can eat real food if he wants to, and them discussing Bella eating dirt on a dare.  This is just such important and interesting information; I can barely stand it.

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Edward informs Bella that Jessica is analysing everything he does, which for some reason irritates him, despite that she is very useful to him so I can’t really see why he’d be annoyed by her…and then they discuss how pretty the waitress was, and how little Edward noticed her.  Again. Luckily that doesn’t go on for long, though, before Edward mentions that something Bella said to Jess bothered him, and they have an exchange that I really can’t tell if is meant to come off as flirtatious or full of annoyance, because the comments seem quite bitey.  I don’t like how the line there is so blurry with these two.  How is this supposed to be a desirable relationship for the reader, when it’s always on the borderline of annoyance and even, in some cases, mental/emotional abuse?

Edward tells her that he wants to know what she’s thinking all the time, he just sometimes wishes she wouldn’t think the things she does, and then asks if she really thinks she cares more for him than he does for her.  And here we go; bring on the inane crap!

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Bella tries to evade the question at first, but then answers that she does think that that’s the case, which he says is wrong.  After much delay due to Bella being distracted by how pretty Edward is yet a-fucking-GAIN (and this delay significantly annoys Edward, so maybe he doesn’t have as much control over his temper as we were led to believe in previous chapters), she explains that she thinks she cares more than he does because it sometimes seems like he’s trying to say goodbye to her when he’s saying something else, and because of “the obvious“.  Alllllrighty then.

Edward calls her perceptive, which again she ISN’T, because it didn’t just ‘seem’ like he was trying to say goodbye, he was ACTUALLY FUCKING TRYING TO, repeatedly, and was VERY clear about it…but says that that’s exactly why she’s wrong, and then asks what she means by “the obvious“.  This gives Bella a chance to get all self-deprecating and go on about how ordinary she is aside from her clumsiness, and what a contrast that is to him.

Edward tells her that she doesn’t see herself very clearly, which is true, but again not in the way he’s thinking; she doesn’t see herself clearly because she doesn’t see what a self-absorbed, whiney bitch she is on top of being ordinary and clumsy, while he thinks what she doesn’t see is how every male in school was thinking about her the day she showed up.  What the fuck?  Every male in school? She is one fucking person; she can’t possibly be to the tastes of EVERY GUY IN THE SCHOOL.  Especially because not all the guys would be stupid enough to fall for someone as bitchy as she is, especially as she was in those first few days.  Just fuck off, Meyer.

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Bella gets embarrassed by the implications of what Edward is saying, so she changes the subject back to the ‘goodbye’ portion of her argument, which Edward again says is exactly what proves that he cares the most; because he can say goodbye to her if leaving is the right thing to do to keep her safe from him.  …Except that he didn’t do that, and clearly can’t do it, or he would have by now, since he knows he’s a danger to her.  So…yeah, more flawed logic.

They get a bit flirty about her not getting into any life threatening situations yet today, while Bella thinks more dark thoughts that I’m not even going to bother with because again, when is she EVER doing or thinking anything good without a bunch of badness as well…and then Edward asks her if she really needs to go to Seattle on Saturday, or if she just said that to get out of saying no to all the guys asking her to the dance.

Bella again evades the question by trying to get after Edward for stopping traffic so Tyler could ask her, and blaming him for being the reason Tyler thinks the two of them are going to prom together, but Edward asks her if she’d have said no if he had asked her, and she has to admit that she probably wouldn’t have. She does say, though, that she’d likely have chickened out in the end anyway because of her clumsiness, which Edward teases her about but says would not actually have been a problem, because dancing is all about who leads.

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He changes the subject back to Seattle again, asking if she minds if they do something different, and she says she’s okay with them doing something different as long as she can drive, because she’s terrified of his driving…and because she doesn’t want to have to explain to her dad why she isn’t taking her truck, because “less is always more” with Charlie.  I assume that means she is once again thinking far too little of Charlie, because when does she do anything other than that, so she is once again being a stupid, ungrateful bitch.

She asks Edward where they’re going on Saturday instead, and he says the weather is supposed to be nice so he’ll be staying “out of the public eye“, and that she can stay with him if she’d like to…which again surprises her, because he’s giving her the choice.  Seriously, what’s up with that?

She asks if he’ll show her what he means about what happens to him in the sun, and he says he will, then says if she doesn’t want to be alone with him he’d still prefer if she didn’t go to Seattle alone, which leads to yet another conversation about how unsafe it is for her to be alone because she’s so incapable of taking care of herself, with her only argument against that being that she’s from Phoenix.  She says she doesn’t mind being alone with him anyway, and he says he knows, but thinks she should tell her dad anyway, to give him some incentive to bring her back.  Well that’s fucking creepy.

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She still doesn’t agree to tell Charlie, and then suggests they talk about something else, and then this chapter gets even more inane than it already was, as they discuss Edward and Emmett’s hunting trip, and their preferences as regards the type of animals they eat.  I’m sure this is only coming up because Meyer wants to make it important down the line, but that just depresses me all the more, because it means there’s more pointless, stupid crap to come.  Yaaaay.

I hate Bella’s attitude during this conversation though, because she’s intentionally trying to be ‘cool’ about everything he’s saying, and that drives me right up the fucking wall.  As boring as this conversation is for me, if it were actually happening with someone in real life, it would be pretty fucking interesting and/or terrifying, so acting like it’s just the most natural thing ever is just fucking stupid.

For a brief, shining second it looks like this conversation is going to end, when Edward asks her what she’s really thinking, but then nope; right back to bears as Bella asks how they hunt bears without weapons.  REALLY?  Do you still not understand what a fucking VAMPIRE is, you brainless twit?!

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Blah blah blah, on and on about how Emmett is like a bear when he hunts and Edward is like a mountain lion, so their preferences are fitting, and then Bella asks if she’ll ever get to see them hunt, which Edward says absolutely will not happen, in the angriest way possible.  She asks if it’s too scary for her, and he says if that was it he’d take her out right away, because she needs a healthy dose of fear so she might actually listen to him, and then says he’ll tell her the real reason why she can’t see it later.

Then they get up to head off to class, and Bella vows not to forget that he promised to tell her later, which is not surprising given how she’s acted when he’s said similar things before, so looking forward to more of that shit…and then the chapter ends.  So yeah, all talk and not a lot of action, and definitely not anything all that interesting or important at any point.  This is such good writing.

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(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

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