The sixteenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When do you love yourself most?”
I am disproportionately excited about this question, and have been since I saw it was coming up. I’m pretty sure the reason why is because this may be the first time ever that I’ve had an actual answer for this question, so it’s just absolutely perfect that it came up now. I remember answering this with “never” in previous years when my friends and I went through this book, and up until a few weeks ago, I probably would have said the same, but that’s no longer true. I’ve recently realized that I’m kind of awesome sometimes, and I am incredibly glad to have had that revelation.
So, when do I love myself most? When I let myself be completely, unapologetically myself, and especially when I do so despite how others feel about me, or are trying to make me feel about myself. I’ve spent the majority of my life letting myself be taken down by others and their views of me, letting their bad moods tear me apart, and believing what they said about me even when it simply didn’t add up and I knew, logically, that their words were untrue. I let other people define who I was, even if that wasn’t how I felt, and I took their comments to heart far more than I should have.
I suppose that explains why I have a penchant for staying in abusive relationships; I truly believed that I was not good enough to do any better, and that I must be all of the things they said I was, so I just had to be better. No matter how much I gave, no matter how much I did, no matter how much I loved, it was not good enough, and it was all my fault; I had to do better, and I had to be someone else if I wanted anyone to love me.
That, my friends, was complete bullshit. And it is no longer who I’m going to be or how I’m going to live my life.
I am so much more than what those people made of me, and I can be even more than that. I may not know what’s out there for me, and I may not know what I’ll become, but I’ll tell you right now, it’s a whole hell of a lot more than what I am right now. I can do things, and I will. It’s just a matter of figuring out how to take those first few steps. But it will come. I know it will.
…Kinda got off track there a little bit, for a moment. Sorry about that.
As I said, I love myself most when I let myself be myself, and that comes easiest to me when I let myself get totally lost in music or movies. Those are my two greatest passions in life, so I find if I’m feeling bad, especially about myself, or if someone has brought me down, I just head off to a movie, or put on my headphones and get lost in music, and I’m fine again. The music works best because it leads to me dancing and singing like an idiot, which makes me laugh at myself, and absolutely not care what other people think of me…and I love myself, then. I know I’m fun, I know I’m ridiculous, and I know someone will someday appreciate that in me as much as I appreciate it in myself.
I am not as little as I let myself believe, or let others tell me, and I’m going to be completely awesome someday, all because I’m going to finally let myself! And I’m not going to let others bring me down anymore. I love that about myself too.
I guess really, when it comes down to it, I love myself most right now. When I’m letting myself love myself. When I’m seeing my own worth, and what I have to offer, and what I can do. I feel completely full, and I never want to feel any less than that, ever again. I’m going to end this now before I get repetitive!
Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments!
(Next question: “What would you most readily die for?”)