Alright, so obviously plans have changed again, and I’m posting just the chapter 5 review for today…which is actually a shortened version of my original one, because I was intending to use it as part of a larger post that encompassed a few chapters, but it’ll have to do because I am not going to go back and try to rewrite everything I cut out of it ūüėõ ¬†From now on, since plans keep changing, I’m just going to go ahead and say I don’t¬†have¬† a plan, and post whatever makes the most sense at the time based on where Mike and I both are. ¬†So without further ado, chapter 5!

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Chapter 5, I must admit, was not actually all that horrible.¬† It was boring, for sure, but there was far less whining than in previous chapters, so that helped.¬† I still like Edward better than anyone else in this book, though, and I’m not sure how to feel about that given what I’ve heard about their relationship as the story progresses‚Ķbut anyway, enough about me.

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The chapter starts with Bella all starry eyed because Edward asked her to go to Seattle with him, which makes her late for class, because if she is not embarrassed at least a few times in every chapter, this just wouldn’t be Twilight.¬† She goes on about Mike again for a while, and how she’s still going to go on his beach trip because she feels bad for turning him down‚Ķthough why the hell anyone would want to take a trip to the beach when temperatures are only in the high forties, I don’t know.¬† But hey, this is a guy with a crush on Bella, so I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised that he doesn’t have the smartest inclinations.

Annnd then we’re back to unhealthily obsessing over Edward, but at least this time something comes of it; Edward invites Bella over to eat lunch with him, since he’s decided to sit apart from his family for once.¬† Ooooh.¬† When she joins him, they have a bunch of awkward and seemingly pointless conversation wherein Edward makes vague references to stealing her away from her friends because he’s given up on having self-restraint, despite that she’s been such a bitch to him‚Ķand she tries to get him to agree that they are friends, which he finally does after some weird back and forth, during which he warns her again how bad he is for her. ¬†Yeah, we get it.

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I kind of like the sarcastic undertones that Meyer sprinkles throughout this exchange, but I still don’t feel like this is building up to a pairing that I, as the reader, would support or ‘hope for’.¬† So far, Edward seems a bit too cocky and arrogant to be as attractive as everyone seems to think he is, and Bella seems too weak and bitchy to be attractive to someone who is viewed as highly as Edward is, so I just don’t buy them together.¬† I don’t feel chemistry between them during this conversation, and I feel like I should; the sarcasm should have felt a lot more flirtatious than it did.¬† As it was, it just kind of felt like they were both repeatedly annoyed/offended by one another.

Anyway, the conversation goes on even more pointlessly, as Bella tries to figure out if he’s a superhero (oh god) and passive aggressively calls him on being a frustrating hypocrite, and then Bella eventually switches back into bitch mode as she asks him to ‘do her a favour’ and let her know next time he’s going to ignore her ‘for her own good’.¬† And then we’re back to the fucking superhero shit again, which normally wouldn’t bother me but it goes on for way too long, before Bella finally realizes that Edward was serious when he told her he was dangerous.

She doesn’t feel afraid of that, though (of course), so that conversation pretty much ends there, and then Bella heads off to class alone, since Edward is so badass that he’s decided to skip.¬† And I shit you not, all of that was 8.5 pages, and there are still 15.5 pages to go, just of this chapter.¬† Shoot me now.

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Half a page later Bella gets to class, where her teacher hands out blood typing kits to each of the students, and shows them how to test for their blood type by using Mike as his example.¬† We quickly learn that Bella can’t handle the sight of blood, as she begins to get nauseous and dizzy as soon as Mike’s finger is pricked, and I get the feeling that Meyer thinks she’s really clever for giving Bella this phobia, but Meyer, seriously, this is fucking lame.¬† Unless this becomes a big plot point at some point later in the book, this is just stupid (and even if it did, it would need to be an incredibly fucking interesting point to be worth all this shit), and we really didn’t need pages devoted to showing us just how phobic Bella is, and how embarrassed she is about it.

But, of course, that’s exactly what we get; Bella feels faint, her teacher has Mike take her to the nurse, but she stops on the way there and asks to sit down for a bit, and of course, Edward shows up.¬† Y’know, because when you ditch class you definitely stay on school property; that’s just the best idea! Edward steals Bella away from Mike, despite both Mike and Bella’s pathetic arguments, and teases her about her phobia as he carries her to the nurse.

Once there, we get the usual scene you see when someone goes to the nurse for something entirely uninteresting, Bella tries to be funny but fails, Edward expresses concern for her, they briefly discuss Mike, and then Edward reveals that when he skips class, all he does is sit in his car listening to music.¬† Riiiiiight.¬† Fuck, Meyer, didn’t I tell you to fuck off with the convenience crap when we were still on The Host??

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When the nurse comes back, Bella is suddenly cured‚Ķand because Meyer didn’t listen to me when I just fucking said to stop with the convenience bullshit, someone else is brought in so she can easily leave.¬† The boy who’s brought in, though, is apparently bleeding, because Edward tries to protect Bella from it but she says she can smell it anyway‚Ķwhich surprises Edward, because apparently people can’t smell blood.¬† Um, what?¬† Yes they can.¬† I can, anyway, and I’m pretty sure I’m not as special as we’re clearly supposed to think Bella is for being able to smell it.

Anyway, Mike comes out and seems displeased that Bella is doing better, they have some boring chatter about the weekend, then he leaves, reminding Bella that she has gym class‚Ķwhich is obviously just the worst thing ever.¬† But surprise of surprises, Edward can save her from that too! So he does. I’m not going to get into how since it really shouldn’t have taken a page to do, but either way, they’re both free to go, since Edward is going to take her home because he is such a perfect gentleman.

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They leave the office and amazingly enough, Bella actually manages to thank Edward for what he’s done for her without also being a bitch! Then they talk about whether Edward is going to the beach with the group or not, which of course he isn’t because he’s a sparkly vampire (oops, spoiler alert; I meant to say because he “doesn’t belong in the same world“‚Ķugh), but it does give Bella the opportunity to say “Mike-schmike“, which is both really fucking stupid and a lovely offensive remark against Mike, who has been nothing but nice to her.¬† I’ll say it again, Bella: You are a total bitch.

Bella tries to go to her truck, but Edward won’t let her because he’s supposed to drive her home‚Ķwhich leads to an entire page of them arguing over whether she can drive home or not, even though we all knew that in the end, she’d go with him anyway, so we really didn’t need all this filler.¬† Yet again.

Bella decides that if she’s going to have to go with him, she might as well sulk and be completely immature about it, because that’s fucking attractive (seriously; she is not acting like a girl with a crush at all, despite that she supposedly has one), but then she recognizes the music he’s playing, and decides that’s a good enough reason to drop her act before she’s even started it.¬† Okay, sure.

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They drive for a while, then Edward starts asking her about her mom, which depresses her, so they start talking about how old she is.¬† Edward says she doesn’t seem seventeen, and it seems we’re supposed to believe that Bella comes off as much older than she is to the people who know her, but I find that incredibly fucking hard to believe given what an immature, spoiled brat she is.

Well, someone has to be the adult.

Really, Bella?¬† You think YOU’RE the adult, as compared to your parents?¬† What the unholy fuck?!

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Edward asks her why her mother married Phil, which seems to be kind of a stupid question, but Bella answers anyway, so they discuss whether or not Bella is happy about the marriage‚Ķall so we can be reminded – yet a-fucking-gain – of how ‘generous’ and ‘selfless’ Meyer’s characters are.¬† Uggggh.

They end up on the topic of whether or not Edward is scary, and Bella responds saying something that almost sounds flirty but I guess is not, and then they get on to talking about Edward’s adoption and the death of his birth parents.¬† Tragic.¬† I feel like I should care a lot more than I do.

Bella tries to bring up Edward’s siblings, but he says he has to go, then reveals that he won’t be in class the next day because he’s going hiking.¬† He asks Bella to be careful not to get hurt, so she responds sarcastically and slams the door – because remember, she is “the adult” – and then Edward drives off, and that is the end of chapter 5.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

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