The ninety-fifth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the hardest thing to forgive?”
For me, the hardest thing to forgive is anything that someone does despite knowing how much it will hurt me. More specifically than that, it’s anything someone does that they know will hurt me because they know it’s been done to me before and was overwhelmingly painful then, especially if they know it caused trauma to me.
Unfortunately, that is something that’s happened a lot in my life; it tends to be that people “can’t see how anyone could do that” to me when they first meet me, but then within a few months, they turn around and do the exact same thing. Sometimes, I’m not sure if they even realize they’re doing it…other times, I’m very sure they know they are.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious why that would be the hardest type of thing for me to forgive, but just in case it isn’t, the reason why is that at that point, not only are they hurting me, but they’re actively betraying my trust and, in effect, lying to me; showing me that I am not worth any more to them than I was to the others who did the same thing that they claimed to find so atrocious when they met me.
Examples of the kinds of things people do that fit into this category are using me, cheating on me, being abusive in one way or another, being reliably unreliable, etc. I know that I’m the one who has the real problem here, because I keep drawing those types of people to me, and then letting them in and opening myself up to being hurt…but it’s hard to avoid when you don’t want to shut yourself off to trusting people entirely, and they do a good job of making it seem like they’re not the type of person who would do something like that.
So, there you have it. The hardest thing for me to forgive is, essentially, betrayal that takes the exact same form as betrayal I’ve suffered previously, when the individual doing the betraying is aware that I’ve been hurt that way before (and especially if they’ve pretended that they can’t imagine doing something like that, knowing all the while that they are fully capable of it and perhaps even intend to do the same thing).
Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments!
(Next question: “Who is the person you’d most like to take revenge on?”)