Tag Archive: Abuse


Q&A: Self-Confidence

The one hundred-thirteenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When did you have the weakest self-confidence ever?”

Oh, geez…this is a hard one for me. A whole bunch of answers pop into my head at once, and ranking them isn’t incredibly easy. When I really think about it, if you asked my friends when they thought I had the weakest self-confidence, I’m pretty sure their answers would be very different from the one I have to give here. Theirs would sound much more reasonable and logical than mine, but I do believe mine to be more accurate, based on how I actually felt.

See, it would stand to reason that the times I had the weakest self-confidence would be when I allowed myself to stay in abusive relationships, even after knowing they were abusive…and certainly, the last ‘relationship’ I was in would be a good contender in that regard…but I don’t think any of those were when my self confidence was the lowest. I think, in fact, that my self confidence was the lowest when I started to heal from those abuses, as odd as that might sound to say.

I’m not sure I really can (or even want to) explain why I feel that way in a way that will make sense, but what it comes down to is that when I finally got into a healthy, stable relationship with someone, who supported me and allowed me to be vulnerable to them…I got all kinds of fucked up. Apparently that’s a completely normal response to something like that, but at the time it really didn’t feel like it; it felt like I had finally found someone who loved and respected me and wanted to help me overcome my past, but that instead of being all I could be for them, I was a massive ball of anxiety and mental illness instead. The reason why makes sense; I was not at all used to having a healthy relationship and therefore had no idea how one would work, so I had to basically un-learn everything I had ever known about relationships for 28 years, and learn something entirely new, which is overwhelmingly difficult…but despite logic, it just felt, to me, like I was a horrible person.

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There is a lot more detail I could go into on this one, and part of me feels like I should, but most of me is just having a really hard time writing this, because I am massively sick and it’s messing with my brain something awful…so before I make this really weird or incoherent (I’m really just hoping I haven’t done that already), I’m going to end it. Sorry, guys; this might have been a good one, but I just don’t have it in me at all right now. Damn illness…

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most inexplicable thing you’ve ever witnessed?”)

Q&A: Unattractive

The one hundredth (!) question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who was the least attractive person you were ever attracted to?”

I hate to say it, but this is a bit of a hard one for me, because when a relationship ends for me, once I get closure I tend to be completely incapable of finding that person attractive ever again. Not just “I don’t want to date you again”, but rather that I don’t really see what I found attractive about them in the first place. That is not all-encompassing, of course; usually we can remain friends, and I can see a lot of redeeming qualities in them (and some have so many that I will still “gush” about all their positive traits), but it certainly affects how I view them physically, because for me, physical attraction is largely based on my mental/emotional connection to an individual.

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That being said, there are a couple of people who popped to mind right away when I read this question, because the negative qualities that they had that broke us up are still quite apparent in them, to the point that I’m not sure how I ever “put up with” them, and of course, that makes them quite unattractive to me in the physical sense, as well. It is to the point, with a couple of them, that I just absolutely do not understand what I ever saw in them physically, because when I look closely at pictures of them now, I cannot find anything at all that I would be attracted to.

Now, I guess I should say that I have never dated anyone that I found unattractive before entering the relationship. My “tastes” are very broad, so I can find a large range of different types of people attractive, because again, it’s mostly based on personality for me anyway, so I found them all attractive when I was dating them. It’s just looking back on them now that makes me able to view them as unattractive.

But even though a couple of people came to mind when I read this question, there is only one person whose photos, if I see them, will consistently make me feel actively nauseous, and that’s the guy I very briefly dated before I met my current boyfriend. It’s kind of funny, because I’ve been in relationships where I have been raped, used and abused, yet I can still find those individuals more attractive than this guy. Why? Because he was a potentially very scary, and definitely very abusive jackass, who tried to manipulate me into believing he was otherwise (and that I was horrible), because he knew I would be vulnerable to that, given my history…and he let that show far too soon.

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When we first met, he seemed like the perfect guy; absolutely “too good to be true”…and he was. The first time I saw him, I found him physically attractive, and that only grew the more he shared with me, and the more I developed feelings for him, but through it all, I couldn’t shake this nasty little feeling of anxiety that I had about him. It was like he was saying and doing all the right things, and I knew I should trust him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually do so. Something was not right, and my gut knew it, but he kept convincing me that it was just the abuse from my past clouding my mind and making me doubt both him and myself. He kept assuring me he would never do those things, and that he didn’t know how anyone could. But still, I just couldn’t get comfortable with him.

In total, we only dated for about a month, and in that time, cracks had already started to show in who he claimed to be. He would get frustrated with me for not being able to make decisions that I had absolutely no basis with which to make, while he did, and he would push me into situations I was not comfortable with, like meeting my friends (which was a huge red flag for me; I’m usually very excited for my significant other to meet my friends, but in this case, I didn’t want him to at all, and kept trying to find ways to stop it from happening, even though I wasn’t quite sure why I didn’t want it…at least I did manage to lie my way out of him meeting my family), and then talk shit about those things (and my friends) later on. He preached “no judgment”, yet he constantly judged me and the people in my life, considering all of us to be “lesser than” because we weren’t as “worldly” as he was.

He also tried to diminish me by repeatedly pointing out things he liked or was interested in (activities, favourite foods, etc.), and talking about how disappointed he was that he wouldn’t get to enjoy those things because “I couldn’t” (because of fears, allergies, foods I disliked, whatever), even though in most of those situations, I tried and tried to get through to him that I wanted to try them. It didn’t matter what I said, or how much I genuinely wanted to try something (or could point out reasons he was wrong in saying I wouldn’t enjoy it, or modifications that could easily be made so I would); if it was something he really liked that he could find any way I might not like, he would essentially ban me from trying it so that he could continue to remind me of how much I was holding him back from the things he loved. Every weekend he visited, we had to have pizza, because he refused to cook for me because I “wouldn’t like what he likes” (even though he claimed to be a phenomenal cook) so it was “for my own good”, and made me very uncomfortable with the idea of cooking for him, because everything I liked was apparently so “bland”.

There were other red flags, as well, but the biggest thing really was how uncomfortable I felt with him, and how I very quickly stopped wanting him to come visit. I didn’t feel right about any of it, and I didn’t see how we could have any sort of future, but he kept telling me how good he was going to be for me, and how I was letting my anxiety hold me back, so because I didn’t want to do that, I stayed.

Then, on Canada Day, we went on a road trip to Six Flags, and that’s where it all fell apart completely. I won’t get into all the gory details, but suffice it to say, I almost had to find another way to get home, and his true colours really showed during that trip. I only made it back to Canada because I managed to convince him I still wanted to be with him, and that I was going to comply with doing the things he wanted to do…but once we were back, I dropped the act and told him “no” when he tried to force me to have sex with him instead of meeting my friend, who had cooked me dinner and was waiting for me (after already telling him no to his suggestion that he invite himself along), and that was the end of that. He was so pissed that I said “no” to him, that I never saw him again after that, aside from when we exchanged a couple of things we’d borrowed from one another (at which point I met him in the parking lot and didn’t even speak to him, because I wanted him to leave as quickly as possible). And I’m not sure I’d ever been happier than I was when I realized it was actually finally over.

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So, yeah. Too much, too soon, too scary, and I even got an infection (not an STI, to be clear :P) out of it in the end (which, of course, was all my fault according to him, even though the doctor said otherwise), and now, seeing pictures of him or thinking too much about what happened with him legitimately makes me feel like throwing up. I hate knowing he was in my life for even just as long as he was, and I think he’s the only person I’ve been with who I 100% wish I had never met. I know what I saw “in him”, but it wasn’t who he actually was, and who he actually is is by far the most unattractive person I’ve ever met. And that is all I’ll say about that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What has been your most difficult breakup?”)

Q&A: No Values

The seventy-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who has the weakest set of values in your family? And among your friends?”

It’s sad to say that there are a few people in my family with pretty weak values, but it’s the truth; I mean, for example, I do have both a half-brother and a step-brother that have never even met their nephew (my son), despite that he’s almost 5 years old, and they’ve been living in the same city as I have since before he was born. Perhaps that, in itself, is not too terrible (though it still feels like it is to me), but both of them have also used and abused their fathers, completely disregarding how their actions made them feel, and considering neither of their fathers (particularly my step-father) deserved it at all, it’s impossible to imagine a world in which I could ever respect either of them again.

When it comes right down to it, though, I’d have to say that my half-brother wins for ‘weakest values’, because his actions in the past few months have gone above and beyond what I believed he would be capable of in terms of horrible treatment of our father, and when you add that to the years of neglecting his family, while simultaneously acting like he’s so much better than everyone else and deserves not only their love and respect, but also their money…yeah, I think he’s lacking some moral fiber, and has definitely lost any sense of family values. I won’t go into any more detail about the things he’s done, but really, a year ago I never would have thought someone could outshine my step-brother in the ‘selfish, entitled child’ department, but my half-brother has certainly succeeded there.  And I look forward to the day I get to tell him exactly how I feel about his actions.

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As for my friends, I’m not sure.  I’ve certainly had a few friends who have been perfectly fine with living off of others and doing as little work as possible to get through life (and usually bitching about even that), but I don’t actually want to think too much about who has the weakest values out of my friends, because my friends are awesome people, for the most part, so…I’m gonna end this here.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When do you have the strongest ability to concentrate?”)

Q&A: Punishment

The seventieth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the worst punishment you’ve ever had to endure?”

Well, I guess that depends on what you consider to be a ‘punishment’. I’m not sure I’ve been legitimately punished for much – though that might just be my incredibly poor memory acting up again – but sometimes it certainly feels like I’m being punished for something.  Take right now, for example…I somehow developed a lung infection a few weeks ago, which ended up resulting in a trip to the ER on Christmas Eve, which revealed a broken rib.  A few days later, I developed incredible sciatic pain in my hip and leg, which has only become progressively worse as time has gone on, and then last night I managed to break another rib, in the same way as the first, while the first is still healing and I still have the sciatic pain…and the infection seems to be coming back, somehow.  So all of this certainly feels like a punishment, but logically I know it’s not (and I can’t imagine what it would be a punishment for anyway), so…I’m not sure what to consider here.

As mentioned previously, I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past, and I was certainly “punished” during those (with threats, physical abuse, etc.), but I’m also not sure those things apply, as they were not justifiable punishments; they were punishments in the eyes of my abusers, but just straight up abuse in the eyes of anyone else.  So I’d say that also doesn’t count.

So legitimate punishments? I don’t know. I guess I haven’t really done much that would lead to punishment…unless you count going through the pain of a breakup because of things I did/did not do, or getting in trouble with my mom as a child, or something like that…nothing severe, at any rate. I guess this is another one I simply don’t have a good answer for.  Man, I’m boring.

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Oh well; see you next time!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who do you think was the worst criminal in history?”)

Q&A: Cruelty

The fifty-eighth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the cruelest thing a person has ever said to you?”

I spent a lot of time thinking about the answer to this, because I’ve had more than one abusive relationship, and figured the cruelest thing ever said to me must have been from one of those people…but when I really think about it, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.  They said some horrible things, and many of their comments were certainly intentionally cruel, but none hurt half as much as the comments my mother made to (and about) me a few years ago, when I had my son.  The absolute cruelest things she said were not actually said out loud, they were in writing in a notebook that I was not supposed to find (and only did by accident, while looking for somewhere to write notes on apartments I was viewing), so I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count…but the cruelest thing she said out loud to me was very much along the same lines.

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In the notebook, she wrote that she worried for my (at the time unborn) son’s future, because I was “too selfish and self-absorbed” to raise a child properly, and she didn’t want him to have to go through what “everyone else has to go through” to be close to me.  She wrote more than that, but I can’t remember it all at the moment, and when I confronted her about what she wrote, she ripped the pages from the notebook…but yeah, it was mostly just about how horrible I would be as a mother, and how miserable my child’s life would be because I was just such an unbearable person to be around due to the fact that I cared about no one but myself, and I would surely be the worst possible thing for him.  The comments she made were ironic for so many reasons, and also based entirely on nothing, since she knew next to nothing about me at that point, which she admitted years later when she finally did spend enough time with me to get to know how I thought, felt and treated people in my life…but they were still very hurtful.

As I said, though, those things weren’t really said to me, they were written about me, just not denied when I confronted her on them…so with respect to what she said to me, the cruelest thing was probably a few months after my son’s birth, when she told me I was “just like my father”.  Now, my father and I have a relatively close relationship, but I am well aware that it is a screwed up one, and there has been no point in my life when I wasn’t fully aware of my mother’s view of my father, so when she said that, I knew exactly what she meant by it.  At the time, my son was not eating due to a breastfeeding issue we encountered (which I think I have mentioned in this blog before), and the situation was getting pretty bad, so I was basically completely distraught.  I cried all the time, felt like a complete failure because I couldn’t even feed my child, and started to consider that he might be better off with someone else, who could care for him better.  His father and I briefly discussed putting him up for adoption, so he might have a chance at a better life, but when my mother found out, she flipped.

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“You’re just like you’re father,” she said. “Selfish, cruel, heartless, and unwilling to take responsibility for yourself or anything else in your life.”  I know she said more, but I can’t remember it all now…suffice it to say it was not a short conversation. She felt that my considering adoption was my attempt to get out of having to take on the responsibility of raising a child, and that I was more willing to ‘ruin’ his life by giving him up (ironic given that she’d previously written about how much *I* was going to ruin his life), because I was just oh so selfish, than have to “work hard at anything”.  You know, because I didn’t have a job since I was 10 years old, move out as soon as I graduated, go to college for two years, live in apartments for six years paying all of my bills on time without ever asking for any help from her, dad or anyone else, pay off all my student loans in two years (again, by myself), rendering myself debt free by the time I had my son, and so on, right?  Obviously, I’m just the biggest slacking mooch ever. And as I’ve said, I know what her views on my father are; if she thinks I’m just like him, she basically thinks I’m the lowest type of person you could ever hope to encounter.  So, yeah, that felt pretty cruel to me, especially since as I said, at the time she actually knew next to nothing about me.

She has apologized for saying those things since, and as I said, admitted that she never even knew me until this past year (and even then, I wouldn’t say she knows me well by any stretch of the imagination) and said that I am a good mother, yet every so often, she will still insert a little comment that makes me feel like I am going to screw him up worse than anyone else ever could.  Which, again, is ever so ironic.

So, there you have it!  This came off a lot more bitter than I intended it to, but the wound is actually relatively fresh yet again, for reasons I won’t get into here…so that’s why.  Happier topics next time! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!
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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the recurring dream that you most enjoy?”)

Q&A: Hard Love

The fifty-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the hardest thing about love?”

This question is very well timed, as this is something I’ve had to deal with a lot lately.  See, I’ve been in many relationships in my life, but as much as I’ve been through and as much as I’ve thought I loved people before, I never actually had to face how hard love really is until now…because I guess I never actually felt it.  I mean, I loved the people I was with before, to some degree, but considering how significantly different I feel in my current relationship, and how much it has already changed for me, I have to think that there’s probably a pretty good chance that I was never in love before.  Or maybe it’s just that this is the first healthy relationship I’ve had in a long time, if it can be argued that I ever had one before it at all, so I’ve had to approach it completely differently than I did my previous unhealthy relationships.

Either way, as I said, lately I’ve had to face the fact that real love is not easy, but not in the ways I had thought before.  In the past, I let a lot of bad things happen in my relationships, because I completely misunderstood what people meant when they said that love and relationships weren’t easy, and that good ones took work.  I took that to mean that they required sacrifice, which is true, but not in the ways that I was sacrificing myself in the past…and that because a good relationship is worth fighting for, that that excused any amount of actual fighting that went on, because obviously we wouldn’t fight if we didn’t care about each other, right?  Yeah.  I was very naive, for a very long time, and things got pretty bad because of it. I let things get way out of hand, and stayed in situations I logically knew better than to stay in, because I thought that I must love these people if I was willing to give up so much of myself for them.  What I failed to realize was that if the relationships had actually been healthy, I wouldn’t have had to give up myself.

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Anyway, what is the hardest thing about love?  Being vulnerable.  That’s not something I’m used to.  In the past, I never really felt vulnerable in any other sense than that I knew that the possibility existed that the people I loved (whether my partner, friends or family) could die (which was and is something that worries me a lot more than it probably should on a daily basis); otherwise, while I knew that my partner could leave me at any time, I never really thought that they would.  See, in my previous relationships, no matter  how dramatic or horrible they got, I felt a certain sense of security in them, because I knew those partners needed me (for one reason or another), so even if we weren’t happy, it was less likely for them to leave unexpectedly.  I also never really gave my whole heart to those relationships, both because they were never really my ‘idea’ (that is, I was not the pursuer, and in most cases I actually wasn’t even all that interested in the person in the beginning, I just gave it a shot because I knew it was what they wanted and I felt guilty) and because I was never really all that happy in them, so I didn’t ever worry about how much the loss of them would effect me until it was happening…at which point the upset I felt was more because of how much I had invested into the relationship (time, money, energy, etc.) and how much I hated that I felt that much further from finding someone to spend my life with, than it was because I was actually sad to lose the person.

Ultimately, I knew none of them were “the one” for me, as much as I wanted them to be so I could stop starting over in relationships all the time, so I guess I just never gave as much of myself emotionally as I could have had I actually been in love with any of them…though of course I didn’t know that that was the case until I met someone I actually did fall in love with, and could see the difference.  And the main difference, of course, is how vulnerable I have felt since being with him.  It’s been almost crippling, at times, to be honest…and without the amazing support provided to me by both my lovely boyfriend himself and the best friend anyone could ever ask for (Mike), I would have run away from this relationship long ago.  And that would be the single worst thing I could ever do to myself.

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See, I’ve been through several abusive relationships, on top of a childhood that was largely good but also extremely screwed up in some ways (and, as I’ve learned, was perhaps even more screwed up than I consciously remember), so as a result, I have developed a lot of fear.  Fear of being cheated on, fear of being abandoned, fear of being left for someone better, fear of being abused again, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of taking advantage of others, fear of being abusive, fear of not being good enough, fear of annoying people, fear of being too damaged, fear of disappointing my partner, fear of confrontation, etc., etc., etc…I could go on for days with the things I fear.  The thing is, I didn’t realize how afraid I actually was until I was given someone to love who treats me wonderfully, because the fear of losing him is by far the single greatest fear I have ever had in my life, and has stirred up all those other fears so much that it’s been almost suffocating at times.  And yes, I have tried to run, and I am not at all proud of that, but at the time I didn’t know what else to do, and I thought it would be for the best for him if I left. Luckily, as I mentioned, my incredible boyfriend and best friend both stepped up and helped me see how much I was self-sabotaging, and have helped me find methods to deal with that, so I can move through the process of healing myself enough that I won’t be so scared and feel so vulnerable all the time.

Because, y’know, I really have never felt this vulnerable in my life.  This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in where I feel like I’m the one who loves more, and who is most definitely the pursuer and the one more invested in the relationship, and that is absolutely terrifying.  I am so afraid of screwing this up that even the slightest idea that he could be annoyed with or mad at me fills me with anxiety, and it’s only now that I have realized just how non-confrontational I really am.  I hate fighting, I hate drama; I just want everything to be happy and loving all the time…and I know that’s not possible, and I can accept that, I just really don’t want to do anything to make him leave me, and I’m so very aware, in this relationship, of how real a possibility it is that he will.  Why?  Because he doesn’t need me, he wants me.  There is nothing I can do for him that he can’t do for himself, and it’s very hard for me to accept that, because that means he’s only with me because he wants to be, because I make him happy, and…that’s not something I have ever experienced before.  I don’t know how to be with someone that actually wants me, and respects and loves me for who I am.  It’s 100% foreign.

So it’s a hard process, training myself out of past thought patterns and into better, healthier ones, and I know I’m going to feel very vulnerable and very afraid for a long time, but I also know he loves me, and I know he’ll always be there for me, so…I can do it.  It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it is also absolutely the most rewarding, amazing experience of my life, and I have yet to spend a single moment with him in which I wasn’t completely aware of how much I love him.  He is the most incredible person I have ever met, and I can’t imagine ever going through, with him, the things I went through with others.  Hell, we haven’t even been mad at each other yet, because we talk everything out so well. I can only hope to be lucky enough to make that last.  He is so worth it, and I am so grateful to finally be in a healthy, happy relationship.  It is more amazing than I even imagined it would be.

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Sorry for the incredibly long answer!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the cruellest thing a person has ever said to you?”)

Q&A: Being Strict

The fifty-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the strictest a parent should be?”

I’m not really sure how to answer this question, because I think it’s entirely based on the situation.  I mean, some kids require their parents to be stricter to them in order to enforce the same lessons that other kids would learn without strict guidelines, and it also depends on the severity of the situation; like I think if a parent is being strict with their child about something that could potentially be harmful to themselves or someone else, it’s much more acceptable than if they are being strict about something that is relatively unimportant (or something where the punishment is not in balance with the misdeed). I feel like I’m explaining this horribly, but for some reason I just can’t seem to find the right words to say what I want to say today…so I apologize for that.

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In general, though, I definitely do think there are situations in which it is necessary to be fairly strict with your child, but I’m not sure I can comment on exactly how strict a parent should be.  Is this asking if I think it’s okay to spank a child?  Because in some situations, yes, I do.  Luckily I haven’t had to, but I do think it’s something that the current generation could have done with a bit more of. 😛 Obviously, it’s never okay to beat a child, or punish them in a way that is demeaning or otherwise abusive, and I do think that in general, yelling is not as useful as some parents might hope it would be…but a stern voice, setting down strict guidelines in situations where it is actually in the child’s best interest to do so, and things like that, I think can be acceptable, as long as the parent is fully aware of what they are doing and the impact they are having on their child.  It’s all about paying attention, I guess.  I don’t know.  I still feel like I’m not making this very coherent, so I’m just going to stop now.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the hardest thing about love?”)

Q&A: Protective

The fifty-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who in life have you felt the strongest need to protect?”

You know, I feel like I should be answering this question with “my son”, but when I really think about it, I’m not sure that’s an accurate answer.  Of course I feel the need to protect my son; he’s only 4, after all, and he’s a bit of a daredevil…but apart from some situations that have involved him and other people in his life in the past, there has not actually been a whole lot I’ve had to protect him from.  He’s had health issues, but nothing that I could really do anything about or that required extra care from me to any great degree, and the rest has largely been quite easy…so either he hasn’t really required much protection from me over the years, or it’s just so natural to me to do that for him that I don’t even notice it enough to feel that I have. So I can’t really say it’s been him.

That being the case, I think I’d have to say that the person I’ve felt the strongest need to protect was my ex boyfriend.  He had some pretty bad health problems, so I spent most of my free time researching potential causes and solutions and trying to make things better/easier/healthier for him, while at the same time trying to make his life less stressful and protecting him from the criticism and abuse he was receiving from some of his coworkers..as well as the criticism he was receiving from some people in his personal life, as well.  I defended him even though I shouldn’t have, a lot of times, and whenever I was around him I felt like I had to encase him in some kind of protective shell so he would have a chance to relax, recover and heal from the bad things that he was going through and had gone through in the past.  In the end, obviously, I wasn’t able to ‘save’ him, but I have to hope that what I did do to protect him in the time we were together helped to at least some degree.  It was a rough road, but I liked being able to keep him safe, and give him some measure of happiness when everything else was falling apart.  I like to protect.  It’s kind of weird not having to anymore.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What would you most like to be remembered for after you die?”)

Chapter 6: Scary Stories

In chapter 6, we get to hear some stories and watch as Bella is even more of a manipulative bitch than usual, significantly lessening any sympathy I could possibly have had for her in the future…and otherwise, we get a lot of description of random crap that no one really cares about.  Yay!

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The chapter starts with Bella waiting for her truck to be returned to her, then it showing up, which is just thrilling…and, of course, she shares more of her extremely negative expectations, and those expectations are met as usual (at least in Bella’s mind; I don’t think anything is even half as bad in ‘real life’ as she makes it out to be).  Blah blah blah, blathering on about Edward; I’m fucking bored…Mike is excited about the weather, and Bella is (surprise surprise) incredibly negative about it…annnd someone doesn’t like her and is talking about her, and this is somehow surprising.

I’m sorry, I know it’s not nice to talk about people the way this girl is about her, and that she’s supposedly only doing it because she’s jealous that Edward is paying attention to Bella, but come on…Bella has given people enough reason to think she’s a bitch; has she seriously not noticed that at all somehow?  BE SELF-AWARE, BELLA.  You’re fucking annoying, and people don’t like that.  Or at least normal people don’t.  …Or maybe I’m wrong about that, given how many of Meyer’s fans seem to admire Bella as a character.  God, I am just so sad about humanity right now.

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Anyway, yeah, this girl named Lauren has a hate on for Bella and thinks she should sit with the Cullens instead of with Mike and his friends…which is stupid because Bella has only really been seen with Edward once, but whatever. Mike defends Bella, then we’re back home with Charlie, and we have this line:

I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he’d spent too many years building his habits to break them now.

…What?  Ah, fuck it; I’m not even going to bother.

Bella and Charlie have a brief conversation about the place Edward said he was going on the weekend, so we can see that Edward lied to her, and then Meyer jumps right into the next morning without a section break and goes on for a page about the weather, the types of cars Bella’s friends drive, and all their names. Wheeeee.

Three other girls stood with them, including one I remembered falling over in gym on Friday.  That one gave me a dirty look as I got out of the truck, and whispered something to Lauren.  Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully.

So it was going to be one of those days.”

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Isn’t every day one of “those” days, Bella?  It has definitely seemed that way so far, at least!  Also, am I really supposed to believe that more than one person is this bitter about her having one conversation with Edward? No one even seems to notice him most of the time; they certainly didn’t after Bella’s accident…so why should I think it would actually be this way?  Just because it’s high school?  Fine.  Let’s go with that.

Mike is happy to see Bella and even happier that she didn’t bring Edward, seating arrangements get sorted out (which is just fucking riveting, I swear), and then we have almost an entire page of description of the things they drive past and how beautiful they all are.  That’s great and everything, Meyer, but please make me care about this story.  These descriptions just aren’t doing that, though it is nice that they weren’t excessively negative for once.

The boys make a fire, which ends up burning blue and mesmerizing Bella (admittedly, it does sound pretty, but don’t driftwood fires give off toxic smoke? :P), and then a while later some of the guys decide they want to go on a hike to the tide pools, so Bella has to decide if she wants to go and risk falling into them, because she is THAT clumsy.  I’m not sure why Meyer keeps reminding us of this; is her clumsiness going to be a super important part of the story later on, or is it just supposed to endear us to Bella in some way?  Because it really doesn’t.  It’s actually very annoying.

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In the end, Bella decides to go with the guys because Lauren wants to stay behind, and Bella doesn’t want to have to be around her because she said mean things about her.  So off they go, with Bella finding the negative in everything yet again, and trying not to fall anywhere.  More descriptions of how pretty everything is, which again, I’m not knocking because I like pretty things and that Bella is seeing them as such, but it’s just more filler to skim over…and then we’re back to Edward again because of course we are. *sigh*

When the guys want to go back to get food, Bella goes with them, falling a bunch (seriously, why do we care about this?), and now I’m confused as to why any of this was in here at all.  Why was this hike integral to the story? It doesn’t seem to have served any purpose.  Sure, there is a group of people from the reservation at their campsite when they get back, but couldn’t they have just as easily shown up while Bella was still at the fire instead of wasting two pages with a useless hike?

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Anyway, everyone is introduced to everyone else and Mike brings Bella some food, Bella thinks about how much she likes Angela (thank god she likes SOMEONE other than Edward, even if it is for stupid, self-absorbed reasons) and about the flow of time (which is a significantly less interesting train of thought than it sounds like it should be), and then everyone disperses, leaving only Bella and a few others at the fire.

One of the others that stays behind is one of the kids from the reservation, Jacob, who of course is interested in Bella, just like everyone else (for whatever reason)…so we get a description of how beautiful he is, despite that he’s a few years younger than Bella (which is weird), which cannot possibly mean anything other than ‘potential love interest’ in Meyer’s world.

However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.

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…Or not.  But the first words out of his mouth are just asking if she’s Isabella Swan, and apparently it’s just the fact that he didn’t know – without ever having spoken to her before – that he should be calling her Bella, that is the problem.  Seriously?  You are that judgemental, Bella?  Wow.  No wonder you’ve never had a boyfriend.

Jacob reveals that Bella’s new truck had belonged to his dad, so they talk about his family for a minute because Bella was forced into playdates with Jacob’s sisters when she came to visit her dad growing up, and we learn that apparently she was a bitch even before she was 11, since she says she “kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips” by then.  Yep, something to be proud of for sure.

Jacob catches her up on what his sisters are doing now, they talk about the truck and rebuilding cars for a while, and Bella seems impressed enough with him, but there is no hint as to what the supposedly traumatizing things that Bella mentioned blocking out at the beginning of the book are (because they supposedly related to Jacob’s family).  …Unless that was just the forced playdates, in which case, fuck you, Bella.

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Lauren notices that Jacob is paying more attention to Bella than she’d like, so I guess maybe her disdain for Bella is personal, not just because of Edward…which is surprisingly refreshing, because at least someone is seeing Bella for what she is and not just being ‘jealous’ of or in love with her.  At least I can pretend it’s that, anyway.  Lauren brings up the Cullens, clearly trying to stir up trouble as the next thing we learn is that the Cullens “don’t come” where they are, and then Tyler manages to distract her with a CD somehow, so clearly she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer either.

Bella is conveniently observant enough in this instance to notice that when the boy says the Cullens “don’t come” there, he’s implying that they aren’t allowed, but then Jacob is asking her a question that allows her to bitch about Forks, so she is understandably distracted for a second.  And then we get into the part of the book that makes me hate Bella even more than any of the previous parts, if you can believe it.

I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullens, and I had a sudden inspiration.  It was a stupid plan, but I didn’t have any better ideas.  I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn’t see through my sure-to-be-pitiful attempts at flirting.

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Wow.  Fucking wow.  Not only are you a stupid bitch, but you’re a stupid manipulative bitch, who is PLANNING on using a young, nice boy that you actually find interesting and pleasant to talk to, so you can find out information about Edward! Do you have ANY conscience, whatsoever?  How can you DECIDE to USE someone, knowing they are at least somewhat interested in you and that they have done nothing wrong?  What the fuck is wrong with you?? WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS CHARACTER??

Bella asks Jacob to walk down the beach with her, while trying to use the expression Edward uses on her to get her to do what he wants, because that’s not fucking creepy at all, so off they go.  They discuss Jacob’s age as they walk and Bella ‘flutters her eyelashes’ at him (sweet Jesus, seriously, just fucking kill me now), and this whole exchange is fucking painful because the only thing Bella cares about is that she thinks her act is too obviously fake for Jacob not to notice; she doesn’t, at any point, think about how fucking WRONG it is to be putting on that act in the first place.

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Bella asks about the older guy who made the comment about the Cullens, still using manipulative conversational tactics as she does so, and Jacob tells her about him (Sam), and explains that the Cullens aren’t supposed to come onto the reservation. He tells her he’s not supposed to tell anyone why the Cullens can’t go there, so Bella lays it on even thicker, trying to ‘allure’ him into telling her about it, which for some reason fucking works because everything hates me.

“‘Do you like scary stories?’ he asked ominously.

I love them,‘ I enthused, making an effort to smolder at him.”

I hate this book.  So fucking much.

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Jacob asks Bella if she knows any of the old native stories, and she admits she doesn’t, so he goes on to tell her about the Flood and whatever, then reveals that a ‘legend’ claims that his tribe descended from wolves, so it’s against tribal law to kill wolves. Then, he says, there are stories about the “cold ones”, and his great-grandfather made a treaty with the cold ones to keep them off the natives’ land, because the cold ones are the natural enemy of the ‘wolves that turn into men’, which is what the natives are.

Instead of being surprised that Jacob has just revealed that the natives are werewolves, Bella decides to question the idea that werewolves have enemies, instead.  What the fuck?  Jacob says they have only one enemy, but that the ‘pack’ of cold ones that came during his great-grandfather’s time didn’t hunt the way the others did, so they weren’t dangerous to the tribe, which is why his great-grandfather made a pact with them instead of killing them.  The deal was that if the cold ones stayed off their land, the natives wouldn’t expose their identities to the ‘pale faces’.  Couldn’t that have gone both ways, since the natives were also, y’know, werewolves, and might not want the ‘pale faces’ to know that either?  Or is it somehow well known that werewolves are a thing in this universe?  If so, I’m surprised that’s only coming up now, but Bella doesn’t seem to think any of this is weird.

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Anyway, Jacob goes on to explain that this pack of cold ones was ‘civilized’, meaning they claimed not to hunt humans and instead preyed on animals, though of course there was never any guarantee if they got too hungry. Bella asks how all of that relates to the Cullens, assuming they must be like the cold ones from his great-grandfather’s time…but Jacob informs her that they are, in fact, the same cold ones from that time.  Oooooh.  God, I just do not care at all.

Apparently two of the cold ones are new, but the rest date back to before the ‘pale faces’ even arrived, which I would imagine is a long fucking time (and I’m not sure that timeline really fits with Jacob’s story, but whatever; I can’t be bothered), and Jacob says that they are ‘blood drinkers’.  Bella looks off into the distance as she processes that information, and then they talk pretty casually about how Jacob just violated a sacred treaty, because y’know, who cares, right?

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Bella promises to keep Jacob’s secret and acts like she thinks Jacob is just a really good storyteller, when actually she’s seriously considering that what he’s told her could be accurate, and then Mike and Jessica show up and someone or other is jealous again because Bella is in the company of someone else and I am just so fucking sick of this shit.

Bella informs Jacob that Mike is “definitely not” her boyfriend, because she wants him to keep thinking she’s interested in him because she’s still a manipulative bitch even though she already got the information she wanted out of him…but she makes sure Mike doesn’t see her wink at Jacob, supposedly to spare his feelings.  No it’s fucking not; it’s so she can still pretend he has a chance too, when he’s of use to her.  Fuck you, Bella; just fuck you so very, very much.

Bella tells Jacob he should come visit her when he gets his license, and finally feels guilty for using him, but not enough to fucking stop, and she somehow thinks it’s okay because she “really does like him”, and can see them being friends.  Y’know, casually ignoring the fact that you KNOW that’s not what he wants or what you led him to believe would be the case, you stupid bitch.

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Mike and Bella talk for a brief moment about Jacob’s stories, then Mike informs her that they’re all packing up to leave, so Bella says goodbye to Jacob and tells him she’ll come visit the next time her dad is down that way.  Then off they go, with Bella having been able to find a way to avoid sitting next to Mike, since that’s obviously the worst thing ever, and that’s the end of chapter 6.

Chapter 7: Nightmare

Ohhh, this chapter was really just a whole lot of nothing, wasn’t it?  Sooo many pages of nothing, and then a whole lot of rage.  Alright, here we go.

We start off with more of Bella’s annoying attitude as she gets home, goes to her room and puts on some music to try to distract herself from thinking about what Jacob told her, though I really have no idea why she is so intent on not thinking about it.  She wanted to know, now she knows, and it’s not like she’s going to be able to avoid thinking about it forever, so why bother?  And really, why bother in the first place?  How does not thinking about it help anything?  I don’t get this character at all.

Meyer’s description of Bella listening to music goes on for almost an entire page, and then she finally falls asleep.  She has another dream …and who wants to guess what it’s about?!  That’s right, Edward.  But not just Edward this time; Jacob is there too…and, amazingly, Mike! He’s not completely insignificant to her, apparently!  Yay!

Seemed fitting.

Seemed fitting.

In the dream, Bella is in the forest, trying to find the sun, when Jacob shows up and tries to pull her back into the darkest part of the forest.  She tries to ask him what’s wrong, but he just insists that she run, as Mike calls out to her to run in his direction.  Jacob suddenly turns into a werewolf as Mike continues to yell at Bella to run, but she ignores him in favour of a light she sees coming toward her from the beach…which is, of course, Edward.  His skin is glowing and he’s beckoning her to come to him, which she does, despite that she can see his fangs.  Because she’s an idiot, Jacob has to defend her, so he (in werewolf form) dives at Edward, going for the jugular, which causes Bella to cry out and then wake up.

When she’s awake, Bella realizes that it’s 5:30 am and she’s lying in bed still fully dressed (including boots…okay then), with all the lights on.  She tries to get back to sleep but can’t, even after doing a little striptease, so she decides to go have a shower instead, noticing after she’s done that Charlie is already gone.  When she’s all ready for the day, she bitches about the internet, gets some cereal, puts on some music, fights with some pop-ups, and does an internet search for vampires.  Well goddamn, this is exciting.

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As would be expected, her search returns a large variety of results, some of which she skims over entirely, and others she reads in depth.  I’m not going to get into anything about any of that, because it’s really just a few pages of things you could look up on the internet yourself (in fact, the page that Meyer references actually does exist), but in the end, Bella feels that she hasn’t found much of anything that coincides with what she’s seen of the Cullens, or what Jacob told her.

That doesn’t make much sense to me, given that what she lists as the qualities she’s seen/heard from Jacob should coincide with at least some myths, yet she says there were few myths that matched even one of those criteria…I feel like I’m missing something here.  But am I going to look in depth at the website Meyer mentioned to fact check this?  Hell no.  You can if you want (http://vampiresaz.webs.com/), but that is just way too much work for me to bother with for a book like this that I care so little about.  Sorry guys.

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Bella is perplexed by the fact that those things don’t match up, though, as well as the fact that according to popular culture, Edward should not be able to go out in sunlight…so she angrily shuts off the computer and feels stupid for having looked anything up in the first place.  She wonders briefly what is wrong with herself that would make her do that, but then:

I decided that most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks – and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.

Of course, because no blame for your own actions should ever go to you, you self-absorbed little fuckwit.  So. Much. Hate.

She decides she wants to leave the house, so she takes off into the woods on foot, which is obviously the best idea ever given the dream she just had…and the fact that she goes on here about how bad her sense of direction is.  I just…so very much do not understand why anyone likes this character.  I know I’ve said that a thousand times before, and I’m sure I’ll say it a thousand more, but really, come on! What is there about her that’s likeable at all, at this point?

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Blah blah blah, names of trees, who gives a fuck…and finally, after almost a page of descriptions of crap in the forest, Bella sits down on a recently fallen tree and realizes how stupid it was to wander out into the forest when she was trying to escape the memory of her dream. More descriptions of forest crap follow that realization, and then Bella decides that it’s much easier to believe Jacob’s stories in the woods than it was in the comfort of Charlie’s house, so she allows herself to consider the things she deems important to figure out about the situation.  And what are those?

1) Is it possible that what Jacob said about the Cullens could be true?

2) If so, what is she going to do about it?

At first, she decides that it isn’t possible that the Cullens could be vampires, but then as she thinks more about Edward’s speed, strength, shifting eye colour, skin, beauty, grace, the fact that he and his siblings don’t eat, and that Edward apparently talks like he’s from a turn-of-the-century novel (I suppose I could see that) – all of which are things she just said are not qualities listed on the vampire websites (unless I read that wrong), remember – as well as the fact that he skipped the blood typing class, only said no to the beach trip when he knew where they were going (which…I get the point she’s making here, but if the sun was supposed to bother him, then wouldn’t he have skipped entirely for that reason?) and seems to always know what everyone (except her, cause she’s special) is thinking…she starts to wonder.

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She decides, in the end, that the Cullens are something inhuman, whether vampire or otherwise, but that she can’t tell anyone else about that because she knows they’d think she’s crazy.  So that leaves her with two options; either do what Edward said and avoid him – which she decides she cannot do because she is “gripped in a sudden agony of despair” just thinking about it (this could not be more emo if it tried) – or she can do absolutely nothing and continue looking at Edward as a good thing despite the danger he could pose to her, because he did save her life after all, so he must not really be all that dangerous.  Riiiiiiight.  Let’s go with that.

She thinks about the ‘dark’ version of Edward from her dream and decides that that was just a reflection of her fear of the idea of vampires, not an actual fear of Edward, especially because even in the dream she cried out in defence of him, because she didn’t want Jacob to hurt him….even though he was calling to her with his fangs out.  She figures she’s in too deep to get out of it now, so why bother trying, and this is all just terrifyingly reminiscent of the thought process that accompanies abusive relationships.  She’s making excuses for things she should rightly be afraid of because she ‘loves him too much’ to let him go, even though he could cause her real, physical harm.  Again with the excellent role models, Meyer.  You scare me.

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Now that I knew – if I knew – I could do nothing about my frightening secret.  Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.  Even if…but I couldn’t think it.

See, this paragraph is fucking horrifying.  Does Meyer intend it to come off that way, or does she really not see how incredibly unhealthy that thought process is?  The fact that young, female readers can be influenced by that kind of thinking terrifies me.  “He’s so pretty, and I love him, so I can’t leave him even if he scares me and even if I know he might kill me.”  Really?  THIS is the example you want to set?  Fuck, I am furious, but more than that, I am just scared for the younger generation.  This is not okay.  I am not okay with this at all.

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Bella gets up and finds the path she was on again, eventually finding her way home, then gets changed and writes a paper she has due for school.  She feels a lot better now that she’s made her incredibly stupid decision, because at least it was a decision, and that’s all she needs, apparently.  She thinks the decision she made is ‘ridiculously easy to live with‘, which is even scarier, but I guess there’d be no book if she didn’t.  Pity, that.

She finishes her paper, thinks about her trip to Seattle with Edward and how it makes her feel the same as taking a walk with Jacob did (what?) and how she should be afraid of it but isn’t, then sleeps without dreaming and wakes up to a sunny day.  Seeing the sun puts her in a good mood, which finally leads her to say something nice about Charlie, thank god…and it’s nice to have some positive descriptions of things in this book for once.  It should be sunny in this book more often.

She heads out to school, and because she gets there early she decides to stop at a picnic bench and go over some of her homework.  She doesn’t get very far before she starts daydreaming, though (who wants to guess it’s of Edward?!), and then Mike shows up wearing shorts, like a bunch of other people, despite that it’s supposedly March.

“‘Hey Mike,’ I called, waving back, unable to be half-hearted on a morning like this.”

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…What?  Are you usually intentionally half-hearted?  How am I always learning worse and worse things about this character?!

They talk briefly about the fact that her hair has red in it, which is just so fucking fascinating I want to claw my eyes out, as is the rest of their conversation about when homework is due…especially because of the very feminist nature of Bella’s topic for her paper; “whether Shakespeare’s treatment of the female character is misogynistic”.  I find that incredibly ironic.  Almost cruelly so.

Eventually, the conversation turns to Mike asking her out for dinner, and Bella asks herself:

Why couldn’t I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?”

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Well, Bella, for one, I’ve seen no proof that that’s even the case, but if you really feel it is, you probably should have told him by now that you’re not interested.  If you’d just done that before, he wouldn’t still think he had a chance with you, and probably wouldn’t act in accordance with that assumption.  So…yeah.

But does she even take this opportunity to tell him she’s not interested?  Helllll no!  Instead, she tells him she doesn’t think it would be a good idea because she thinks it would hurt Jessica’s feelings.  Great, now she’s just gone ahead and blamed Jessica for getting in the way of their love, when she isn’t even actually interested in him.  Poor Jess; she’s never done anything wrong, and she gets treated like shit by Bella any time it isn’t convenient for Bella to give her what she wants.

Mike is a complete idiot though, apparently, as he somehow didn’t notice Jess’s interest in him, so Bella points out that idiocy and takes off to class.  Later in the day she gets invited to go dress shopping with Jess, Angela and Lauren, even though Lauren hates her and she doesn’t need a dress since she’s not going to the dance…but she’s not unsure if she should go for those reasons; no, she’s unsure if she should go because who knows what else she could be doing, because obviously Edward is gonna show up and ask her out for some reason, despite that they haven’t even gone to Seattle yet.  Logical, Bella.

Riiiight.

Riiiight.

As they walk to class, Jess is trying to talk to her, but she is – as usual – completely ignoring her in favour of her own thoughts about Edward.  Such a good friend, this one is.  Fuck.  She is excited to see the Cullens and compare them with what she knows of vampires, but gets a little afraid when she realizes that they might be able to read her thoughts…but when she gets to the cafeteria, none of them are there anyway.

Desolation hit me with crippling strength.”

Really?  Desolation?  Edward and his siblings aren’t there one day, and desolation cripples you?  Wow, yeah, this is just so completely unhealthy it’s almost unfathomable.  I am seriously appalled by this.  I really want to just stop reading now…

I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.”

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Yep, should have just stopped reading.  Wow.  Fucking WOW.  Not only are you a shitty enough person that you weren’t actually listening in the first place because you’re too self-absorbed, but now, because something didn’t go your way, you’re not even going to PRETEND you’re capable of being a decent person?  Why the sweet fucking HELL does anyone want to be friends with this fucking bitch?  She is a HORRIBLE person, and clearly isn’t even trying to HIDE that anymore!  Jess deserves SO much better!  Aggggh, this seriously pisses me off, because I have KNOWN people like this, and they ALWAYS get much better friends and boyfriends than they deserve!  FUCK YOU ENTIRELY, BELLA!

Bella sits down to lunch and answers some questions Angela has about the paper she wrote on the weekend as she “spirals into misery” (fuck you, fuck you, fuck you), and then Angela invites her to go dress shopping as well (Jess invited her before), so she agrees, deciding that she needs something to distract herself.  Great.  You’ll be great fucking company, won’t you?

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She is disappointed all over again when Edward doesn’t show up for Biology, and then her entire gym class is somehow taken up by an explanation on the rules of badminton…as will the next class be, because the teacher didn’t finish in time.  Okay, so either her teacher talks painfully slowly, or the class is full of complete and utter morons, because badminton is not that hard to understand.  Does Meyer know anything about sports, or is Bella a reflection of her?  Because that would explain a lot.  Though honestly, I don’t think anything would explain why it would take two full classes to explain the rules of badminton.  Not unless the classes were like 5 minutes long, anyway.

I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.

Firstly, is it really called a ‘campus’ if it’s for high school?  I hadn’t thought so, but maybe I’m wrong.  Secondly, FUCK YOU, BELLA!  You are so fucking annoying.  “Free to pout and mope“?  Really?  How old are you; 12?  GROW UP!

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Her plans fall through, though, because Mike asks Jessica on a date, so they postpone dress shopping until the next day.  I’m…kind of surprised that Mike asked Jess on a date, cause that’s really pretty terrible, given he has feelings for Bella still, so that’s not really fair to Jess…but wait, why am I surprised?  Meyer did write his character too, after all, and everyone is fucked up in Meyerworld.  Poor Jess.

Bella decides to focus on homework, then reads through emails from her mom and replies with a lie.  Remember how bad she is at lying because she apparently doesn’t like to do it?  Yeah, we just see more and more proof of that, don’t we?  Also, she doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about talking to or hearing from her mother, for someone who claimed that her mother was her ‘best friend’.

She grabs a book and heads down to the backyard to read for a while, a scene which takes entirely too many paragraphs for Meyer to describe, given how simple it is (and how stupid; “…the thick lawn that would always be slightly wet, no matter how long the sun shone“?  Right, that’s the way that works), and I’m not even going to bother going into all the details Meyer added here because none of them are even slightly necessary.

After reading, she falls asleep, and wakes up to the sound of Charlie’s car in the driveway.  She feels like she’s not alone when she wakes, but ignores that feeling and runs into the house to get supper started.  After dinner they watch TV together, and then she asks Charlie if she can go dress shopping with the girls the next day, which seems to be something only added so she could show just how much Charlie doesn’t get girls, yet again.  No man is this stupid, Meyer.  Men like opinions on their clothes too, and they also have friends; he would not be so completely vapid as to be unable to figure out one or two reasons why her friends might invite her to come shopping with them even if she wasn’t going to be buying anything. Really now; this is offensive and stupid.

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I wouldn’t have to explain this to a woman.

He seemed to realize that he was out of his depth with the girlie stuff.

Yep.  Those comments just…make me stabby.  He’s not a fucking moron just because he’s male, Meyer.

Bella continues to demean Charlie’s intelligence as the conversation turns to whether or not he’ll be able to feed himself while she’s gone.  He points out that he did so for 17 years, but what is Bella’s response to that?

‘I don’t know how you survived,’ I muttered, then added more clearly, ‘I’ll leave some things for cold-cut sandwiches in the fridge, okay?  Right on top.‘”

What. The. FUCK?!  This man is her FATHER; how can she be so condescending and disrespectful to him?  Why does he put up with that?  How stupid does she think he is?  Does he REALLY need her to tell him EXACTLY where to find fucking COLD CUTS?  I’m sure he can figure that out on his own!  Fuck, she is SUCH a fucking bitch, and she thinks she’s SO MUCH BETTER than everyone else around her!  SO MUCH RAGE!  Stop talking to your fucking father like he’s a child!  And you know why you don’t know how he survived?  Because you WEREN’T THERE, and you never even gave him one fucking chance to show you whether or not he could cook when you showed up, you just assumed you were oh so fucking superior and went ahead with that!  GAHHHHH! I need to calm down.

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In the morning it is sunny again, but the Cullens still don’t seem to be at school, so Bella is emo.  Conveniently, Lauren is unable to attend the dress shopping that evening, so Bella doesn’t need to deal with her being there, so luckily, she decides to make the most of the trip and be in a good mood for it so as to not ruin things for Jess and Angela.  Thank fucking god.  But let’s see how long that actually lasts, I guess, before I get too excited.

Bella figures Edward won’t cancel their Seattle plans without at least telling her, so she uses that for hope to get through (so it’s not really about Angela or Jess being happy after all…surprise surprise), and the chapter ends with her feeling excited about the trip and writing a note to Charlie “explaining again where to find dinner“, just in case OPENING THE FUCKING FRIDGE DOOR is too hard for him to figure out.  And here comes that rage again.  Okay, I’m going to end this recap now instead of dealing with the last few lines of the chapter, lest I break something.

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(See Mike’s take on these chapters at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ??

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Sorry for the outburst, but I am so absolutely infuriated right now.  No, no, no, no, no.  HOW did this book get published??  Why aren’t people LIVID about this chapter?   I don’t know how I’m going to write about this.  I really don’t, because I am just far, far too angry about it.

When I first flipped through this chapter, I thought, ‘Great, a short chapter; this’ll be easy!’  But no, of course that was too good to be true.  This chapter is so much more horrible than I could have imagined.  It is straight up fucking abuse, and Meyer tries to make it seem ROMANTIC, which is just…I just…aggh! I can’t even think straight!

It starts with Ian furiously glaring down at Wanda, Kyle and Sunny, and the look is both bad enough to scare Sunny and bad enough that Wanda actually feels like Ian and Kyle have switched faces.  But what does she add on to that thought?

Except Ian’s face was still perfect, unbroken.  Beautiful, even though it was enraged.

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WHAT?!  He just eavesdropped on a PRIVATE conversation you were having, heard something he didn’t like, and is now looking at you in a way that is TERRIFYING and reminds you of the face of someone who TRIED TO KILL YOU, and you’re thinking about how fucking beautiful and perfect he is?  What the fucking hell is wrong with you??  HOW IS THIS NOT GLORIFYING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS?  And this is only the beginning!

Kyle asks Ian what’s wrong, but Ian doesn’t respond to him, he just grits his teeth and says Wanda’s name, holding out his hand for her to take.  Wanda says it appears as though he’s having a hard time keeping his hand from making a fist as he holds it out, which is always a good fucking sign, and Stryder seems to realize the danger, but Wanda just feels ‘miserable’ because she doesn’t want to say goodbye to Ian and now she has to.

The one good thing here is that she finally does realize that it’s wrong to just slip out without saying goodbye to anyone, but she doesn’t seem to see that Ian isn’t sad or feeling betrayed, he is fucking PISSED, and acting scary already.  Maybe it’s because I know there’s worse to come that this bothers me so much, but it bothered me the first time I read it too, so…I dunno.

Because Wanda doesn’t move the second he puts his hand out (she literally had time to think one thought before Ian was “tired of waiting“), Ian grabs her arm and HAULS HER UP FROM THE FLOOR.  Sunny hasn’t even had a chance to let go of Wanda yet, the movement is so sudden, so Ian shakes Wanda until Sunny lets go.  WHAT THE FUCK.

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Kyle asks Ian what’s wrong with him, so Ian fucking KICKS HIM IN THE FACE, because of course THAT was the logical, reasonable thing to do there, because it is allllll Kyle’s fault that Wanda didn’t tell him something that Kyle wouldn’t have even known himself until that moment!  Sunny throws herself in front of Kyle to try to shield him from Ian as Kyle tries to stand, which results in her accidentally knocking Kyle back onto the floor, while Ian DRAGS Wanda away from them.

Wanda tries to cry out to Ian, but he pulls her along so roughly that she can’t even speak…which we can tell is fucking horrible, but Wanda says it’s “fine” because she “has no idea what to say“.  THAT IS NOT THE POINT, WANDA.  Tell him to stop, tell him he shouldn’t have kicked his fucking brother in the face for no reason, tell him to LET YOU GO and STOP DRAGGING YOU, tell him to CALM THE FUCK DOWN FOR A SECOND, tell him he’s scaring you…ANYTHING!  The problem is, though, that he’s NOT scaring her, and that’s really the WORST part!  She’s totally okay with this!  WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF EXAMPLE IS THIS SETTING, MEYER?  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH YOUR READERS??

Wanda says she sees everyone’s startled faces flash by in a blur while she stupidly worries about how Summer feels seeing this violence instead of worrying about what’s going to happen to her (NOT REALISTIC), but why the FUCK isn’t anyone DOING ANYTHING??  He’s dragging her across the floor by her arm, against her will, he just fucking kicked Kyle in the face, and everyone is just standing there watching??  Jeb is there, and though he said he’d dispose of his gun for Summer’s sake, he HASN’T YET, or if he has it’s just sitting in the hall close by; WHY hasn’t he or Jared grabbed that yet and held it to Ian to get him to fucking stop??

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At the very least, why hasn’t anyone intervened in any way whatsoever?  Why hasn’t Doc gone to Kyle, or ANYONE gone to Wanda to try to get her free from Ian, or gone to Ian to get him to let go of her?  This doesn’t make any sense!  These people have DEFINITELY moved quicker than this before for lesser reasons; they would NOT all just STAND THERE while Ian did this shit!!

Jared blocks the entrance so Ian can’t leave with Wanda, at least, but all he does is ask Ian ( far too formally; again with the crappy dialogue) what he’s doing to her, which we know damn well is NOT all he would realistically do in this scenario.  It may be Wanda that Ian’s after, but Stryder is still in that body, and there is no way in hell Jared would let her be treated that way.  He’d have all out attacked Ian by now.

Ian shoves Wanda in front of him and shakes her at Jared, asking Jared if he knew about ‘this’, which Jared ignores, yelling at Ian that he’s going to hurt her.  Ian asks if Jared knows what Wanda is planning, but again Jared doesn’t answer, so Ian takes that to mean that Jared does know, and punches him in the face.  PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE.  He has now physically injured TWO people, and NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS, and we’re supposed to think he’s completely justified in doing this because he’s upset about Wanda’s plan.

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Why isn’t Wanda upset about him punching Jared??  She begs him to stop, but he just says “You stop” (FUCK YOU) and pulls her into the tunnel, almost running down the hallway with her as Jared calls out to him.  After that, Wanda doesn’t seem to think of Jared again, which she certainly should have if she cares about him so much…and Stryder definitely should have spoken up here!

“‘O’Shea!’ Jared shouted after us.

‘I’m going to hurt her?’ Ian roared back over his shoulder, not breaking pace. ‘I am? You hypocritical swine!‘”

Ahhh fuck, I hate this.  Firstly, Jared JUST GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE; he would NOT be referring to the person who did that to him by his last name when he usually doesn’t, because now is NOT the time for casual, friendly ‘nicknames’.  Secondly, “hypocritical swine“?  Seriously, Meyer, who the fuck says that?  EVER??

Thirdly, Jared is NOT being hypocritical, because HE is not going to hurt her.  Whether he figured out her plan or not (which has neither been confirmed nor denied, and even if it was confirmed, Ian doesn’t know WHY Jared hasn’t said anything about it), JARED is not the one that intends to do anything to Wanda.  You said it yourself, Ian; it’s HER plan, not Jared’s, so Jared sure as hell does not deserve your wrath and cannot be blamed for ‘hurting’ her.

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Besides which, doing this would be LESS painful for her, emotionally, in the long run!  You wouldn’t know that though, because you immediately jumped to whipping her around by her arm, yelling at everyone and punching and kicking people!   YOU are the only one that’s currently hurting her, the way you’re dragging and throwing her around!  Don’t act like it’s worse if someone else is hurting her (especially since they’re not)!

Ian takes off down the tunnel with Wanda, running so fast she stumbles to keep up, until her moans of pain from the grip he’s got on her arm (she describes it as being as tight as a tourniquet, which is horrible, and I mean either her arm is some fucking small or he’s really holding on THAT tight, if his fingers are overlapping while wrapped around her arm and her arm is going numb…so how can she not be afraid of him at this point?) and the fact that he keeps jerking her along when she already can’t keep up are too distracting for him to let her keep running.

He stops, and she tries to say something to him but she can’t get her breath and doesn’t know what to say besides, because he’s so angry, so he just grabs her and…okay, now I’m confused.

His arms caught me abruptly, yanking my feet out from under me and then catching my shoulders before I could fall.  He started running forward again, carrying me now.  His hands were not rough and angry like before; he cradled me against his chest.”

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…What?  I am trying so hard to picture this, but it’s like the scene with the crumbling floor and the pillar; I just can’t make sense of it.  So she’s standing, because she was just running and it did not, at any point, say she sat or fell down, and he…catches her somehow…in a way that pulls her feet out from under her…and then he catches her shoulders and carries her cradled against his chest?  Is he supporting her legs, or just holding her out in front of him by the shoulders?  But that wouldn’t be cradled…I can’t picture this at all.  I don’t know what the fuck is happening.  Maybe this is clearer to someone else, but I’m completely lost.

Oh, and I absolutely do not believe that his hands aren’t rough and angry anymore; I think she just can’t tell cause he’s not squeezing all the blood from her this time, so it feels better now than it did before.  Low fucking standards for care there.

He runs through the caves, carrying her past all the people that are of course listed because they always are, who are surprised by and suspicious about what he’s doing.  Wanda says it disturbs these people to see Ian doing what he is, especially looking as angry as he does, so they go after Ian and try to stop him to find out what’s going on…

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Oh wait, no, that doesn’t happen; that’s a different book.  You know, a book where this scene makes some fucking semblance of sense.  No, in this book, Ian keeps running and no one does fucking anything.  Jared and Jeb aren’t pursuing, Kyle isn’t pursuing, and NO ONE that they pass on the way pursues them either, despite that they all have VERY good reasons to, and they’re ALL apparently disturbed by what he’s doing.  He just injured TWO PEOPLE, and everyone is just fine with him running off with her in a blind rage?  What the hell kind of people are these?

Considering what’s happening, it can be easily assumed that either Ian’s doing something wrong or Wanda is doing/has done something wrong, so they SHOULD be trying to figure out what happened either way!  But no, no one does ANYTHING.  They all just stay where they are and think, ‘Well fuck, that was weird’.  WHAT THE FUCK???  Why isn’t Jared at least doing something about this?  She could be killed!  Considering how violent Ian’s just been, they have EVERY reason to think he WILL hurt her!

Ian keeps running until he gets to the door of his room, where he KICKS THE FUCKING DOOR IN and drops Wanda onto a mattress on the floor.  When the door hits the ground, it is described as making an echoing boom, yet AGAIN, NO ONE COMES TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE EITHER OF THEM IS OKAY.  THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!  There is NOTHING about this chapter that is okay AT ALL!

Ian angrily pulls the door back in place, which would be fucking TERRIFYING to me if I was in Wanda’s position, and then stands above her, glaring at her.  She fucking KNEELS before him, holding her hands out in the hope that something will magically happen that will calm him down, and isn’t THIS just fucking indicative of the nature of their relationship.  On her knees, willing to give him whatever he wants just because he threw a fit over not getting what he wanted.  FUCK THIS BOOK.

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“‘You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me.’

WOW.  Fucking WOW!  He actually fucking SAID that!  This is the kind of shit psychotic exes say before they rape and kill a girl; this is NOT something that someone who LOVES you will EVER say!  You do not INTIMIDATE and SCARE people into staying with you!  This is seriously fucking psychotic, and Meyer is playing it off as a reasonable way for Ian to behave!  HOW CAN YOU PROMOTE THIS SHIT, MEYER?!  It’s fucking TERRIFYING!!  How can you sleep at night knowing you may set young girls up to be treated like this??

Wanda sheepishly tells him that he has to see that she can’t stay, but he yells at her again, which makes her cringe.  At that, Ian collapses to his knees and buries his head in Wanda’s stomach, ‘locking’ his arms around her waist, and begins to sob.  This guy has some SERIOUS fucking issues if all of this is how he reacts to even the vague MENTION of something he doesn’t like.  I’m absolutely willing to bet that if he ever had a girlfriend before Wanda, she’s fucking dead now for trying to break up with him.  He clearly cannot handle people leaving him.  This is INCREDIBLY fucked up.

Wanda begs him not to cry, because apparently crying is ‘so much worse‘ than his anger, which is another fucking GREAT message, Meyer; THANKS for that.  If he found out she was going to do this and broke down crying and begged her to stay, that would be one thing; I might even have sympathy for him DESPITE all the creepy ass crap he did before…but to INJURE people, INCLUDING HER, lose his shit entirely, DEMAND that she not leave him and then have a complete fucking breakdown…no! This is NOT acceptable behaviour, he needs SERIOUS mental help/counselling, and Meyer should NOT be spreading a message that showing sadness and heartbreak is WORSE than BEING FUCKING ABUSIVE AND INCAPABLE OF CONTROLLING YOUR ANGER.  FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!

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Wanda continues to beg him, then FUCKING APOLOGIZES TO HIM, after how HE acted, as she begins to cry too.  He tells her she can’t leave, but she says she has to, and then they cry for a long time, and THIS is what SHOULD have happened at the beginning, not any of that other fucking bullshit!

Ian eventually stops crying and pulls Wanda into his arms, and when Wanda stops crying too, he apologizes for being ‘mean’.  MEAN?  You think that ‘mean’ is an accurate description of what you were?  Again, you were fucking PSYCHOTIC!  You were not mean, you were ABUSIVE and TERRIFYING!  There is a BIG difference!

But what does Wanda do?  SHE APOLOGIZES RIGHT BACK.  Because THAT is what we should teach girls to do when someone acts like this toward them.  Don’t run away, don’t get help, don’t hide, don’t defend yourself, no, APOLOGIZE to the person who abuses you and makes you fear for your life (or at least WOULD if you were a normal person who reacted to these situations with half a brain cell).  I know she’s apologizing for not telling him because she should have, which YES, I agree with, because she should have and it WAS selfish not to, as she says, but this is NOT the time to be apologizing for that!  His actions went FAR beyond yours, Wanda!

This seems fitting.

This seems fitting.

He tells her they need to talk about it because it can’t be a done deal, but she says it is, so he asks how long she’s been planning it.  She tells him since the Seeker, and he nods, suddenly figuring out everything.  He says he understands why she thought she had to give her secret to save the Seeker, but Doc knowing how to perform removals doesn’t mean she has to leave.  He says if he’d thought for one minute that it did mean that, he never would have let her show Doc how to do the procedure, and then the brief moment of calmness from Ian is over, as he starts yelling again.

He says no one is going to force her to have it done, and that he’ll break Doc’s hands if he tries to touch her, which I’m SURE Meyer thought was a romantic thing for him to say, but when that becomes what’s truly considered romantic, I’ll be officially fucking done with society and probably go on a killing spree.  He has NO control over his rage, at all, and he really fucking needs to get some.

He yells that no one can make her do it, so she tells him that no one is making her do it (thank fuck she finally admitted that so she can stop talking about how she ‘has to’ do it), and explains that she didn’t show Doc how to do the procedure to save the Seeker, she did it to save Stryder; the Seeker’s being there just made her have to decide to do it sooner.  Again, this is fucking bullshit.  She clearly had no intentions at all of doing this before the Seeker.  I get what Meyer is trying to make us believe here, but no.  There should have been SOME indication beforehand.

Ian gets even more angry at the mention of saving Stryder, which is again fucking scary, so Wanda goes on to explain how Stryder is trapped, telling him that it’s worse than prison for her because she’s like a ghost.  She says she can free Stryder and give her herself back, so Ian argues that she (Wanda) deserves a life too, but Wanda says she loves Stryder.  Yep, you really love her.  It was really obvious, all those times you were a bitch to her and fucked her over.  And this is still not about her, it’s about your guilt, so again, fuck off.

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Ian tells Wanda that he loves her, and asks if that matters, which she says it does, but that only makes it more necessary. He takes that the wrong way and asks if it’s so unbearable to have him love her, which it FUCKING SHOULD BE GIVEN ALL OF THIS CRAP, and then says that if it is, he can keep his mouth shut about loving her so she can go be with Jared if she wants, but he just wants her to stay.

Yeah fucking right, Ian.  Not buying it, given your previous comment when she told you to stop kissing her and you didn’t; remember how that time you said you would have the rest of your lives together and that you would change her mind on Jared instead of respecting her wishes?  You never fucked off before when she wanted you to, so you sure as hell wouldn’t fuck off now.

Wanda doesn’t see that, so she’ll go right ahead and buy your bullshit and think you’re sooooo sweet and selfless, and that you love her soooo much, but in reality, I know you still just want to fucking bone her, and you will NOT give up if she stays.  There is NO way.  Even if she begged and pleaded, you would never leave her the fuck alone, and this chapter just proves it.  YOU HAVE FUCKING PROBLEMS.

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Oh, and this is YET ANOTHER TIME when Meyer is giving her readers some wonderful fucking lessons.  SO FUCKING GLAD YOUNG GIRLS READ THESE BOOKS.  This is not AT ALL a contributing factor to why teenagers have such COMPLETELY FUCKED UP relationships nowadays, is it?  Maybe if they weren’t constantly reading crap like this that makes abusive, manipulative, creepy, stalking behaviour from partners seem ROMANTIC, girls would stop staying when men treat them that way., and actively SEEKING OUT partners like that!

Wanda of course can’t stand that Ian thinks she thinks it’s unbearable to have him love her, because POOR FUCKING MANIPULATIVE JACKASS, so she cradles his head in her hands and tells him that that’s not it.  She says she loves him too, which makes my fucking skin crawl, and then explains that it’s her that loves him, meaning the silver worm in the back of her head, but her body doesn’t and it never can, so it pulls her in two.  She says it’s unbearable, but she seemed to bear it pretty well before by just not associating with Jared at all.  Didn’t even seem like Stryder was getting in the way of Wanda being with Ian, despite not liking it.

When the hell did Wanda fall so deeply in love with Ian, anyway?!  I know we’re supposed to believe she did, though it never really made sense to me, but how the hell did it become so involved that she’s not just willing to put up with abuse from him, she DOESN’T EVEN SEEM TO SEE THAT IT IS ABUSE??

No, Ian, you don't.

No, Ian, you don’t.

This is not love!  I repeat, to all Meyer’s readers: THIS. IS. NOT. LOVE!!!  Someone who loves you WILL NOT treat you this way, and staying with someone when they DO do this is ALSO not love! Especially not if you’re acting like it’s fucking OKAY for them to do these things to you!  Not once does Wanda seem to think Ian is out of line, not once does she cry out for help, not once does she do anything other than take blame and try to make HIM feel better!  I get it, he’s upset, but that is NO FUCKING EXCUSE for acting like this!  DO NOT LET PEOPLE TREAT YOU THIS WAY, PEOPLE!

I could have borne it.  But watching him suffer because of my body’s limitations?  Not that.

Ohhhh, so it’s unbearable because she doesn’t want to hurt HIM, not because it’s unbearable for HER, so she must REALLY love him, right?  It’s really a VERY strong priority for her.  Fuck that.  And fuck you, Meyer.

I’m sorry for all the swearing; I’m pretty sure it’s obvious how much it bothers me when people romanticize bad and abusive relationships, and that’s all this chapter is, so it’s a bit hard to control.

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Wanda watches Ian’s eyelashes glisten with tears, so Stryder tells her to go ahead and do whatever she needs to do, saying that she’ll “just step into the other room“.  What?  The first time Stryder says ANYTHING and it’s not fearful of Ian, it’s not upset because of the two people he injured, ONE OF WHICH WAS THE MAN SHE LOVES, it’s not about any of the rest of this crap, it’s ALLOWING Wanda to be physical with Ian.  WHY?!?  Why would she EVER do that??

Wanda is putting HER (Stryder’s) body at risk letting Ian treat her this way, and Stryder SHOULD be fucking PISSED about what Ian has done, but instead she’s letting Wanda do MORE that is uncomfortable and horrible for her!  Seriously, what the hell kind of messages are these to send to young readers??

Wanda thanks Stryder and kisses Ian, which leads to them making out for a bit and something ‘changing’ inside Wanda.  Oh fucking great.  Wanda describes it as not being the ‘wildfire’ type feeling that came with kissing Jared, but instead a deeper and slower burning, ‘changing the very foundations of the world with its advance‘.  Ugggggh.  Not romantic, Meyer. Not after all that.  And I’m NOT happy that things are changing in a way that’s positive for THIS relationship.  Not at all.

Blah blah blah, extensive melodramatic descriptions of the changing and how Stryder’s body not loving Ian gets in the way, and then Wanda starts to cry again as she realizes that the kiss might be changing Ian too.  She describes him as “this man who was kind enough to be a soul but strong as only a human could be“.

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KIND ENOUGH TO BE A SOUL?  Unless you want to go by MY definition of how fucking kind souls are, this is FUCKING HORRIBLE.  By Meyer/the book’s definition, this is the WORST fucking thing she could have said, because after all of Ian’s abuse in this chapter, he’s made out to be extraordinarily kind!!  HOW is Wanda this stupid?  How can she just dismiss everything he’s just done, and how terrifying he’s been??  I thought since she was an alien, she should be all upset about anger and violence, so why didn’t THIS upset her more than anything?  Ian should be the LAST person she thinks is kind or feels safe with by now!

Ian starts to kiss her tears away, telling her not to cry and that she’s staying with him, which leads her to go on about how she lived eight lives and never found anyone she’d follow when they left or stay on a planet for.  She asks why it should be him that’s her ‘partner’ (wtf is with that choice of word?), especially because he’s not even the same species as she is, and he just responds that “it’s a strange universe“.  Because, y’know, he really DOESN’T care about all her emotional bullshit, he just wants her to stay because he’s got no one else to fuck if she leaves, so whatever, it’s just a strange universe.  Simple as that.

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Wanda begins to whine about how unfair it is that she found love right when she had to leave, and why oh why did she have to love Stryder, because she still doesn’t fucking GET IT that she TOOK STRYDER’S BODY, so she SHOULD care about her, and it was unfair of her ever NOT to…and then whines more about how unfair it is that Ian should have to go through pain because of her.

He deserved happiness if anyone did.

*twitch* I….cannot address that.  Not again.  I need this chapter to end now.  I can’t handle more than this.  FUCKING END, CHAPTER.

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Wanda tells Ian she loves him, and he tells her not to say that like she’s saying goodbye, but she feels she has to.  This is supposed to be all emotional and sappy and make us feel our hearts swell and things, but how fucked up do you have to be to have that happen after what else happened in this chapter?  I do NOT feel for them, aside from feeling like I wish they’d both fucking die in a fire, him because he is abusive and lacks self-control, and her because she is incredibly fucking stupid for reacting THIS way to what he’s done (among other things).

“‘I, the soul called Wanderer, love you, human Ian.‘”

I keep thinking I’ve found the stupidest line in the book, but then in the next chapter, there’s another that’s even worse.  This is the winner for this chapter.  Poorest fucking dialogue I have ever experienced.

She tells him her love for him will never change, no matter what she might become; that she will always love and remember him, and he will be her only partner.  Uh huh.  So that’s why you said Sunny wouldn’t love Kyle when she got to her new world.  Because shit does not apply the same way to you as it does to anybody else.  Fuck this shit.

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His arms stiffened, then constricted tighter around me, and I could feel the anger in them again.  It was hard to breathe.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE AGAIN, HE DOES THIS!  And ONCE AGAIN, he will not have to deal with ANY repercussions for it!  WHY DOES SHE KEEP ACTING LIKE THIS IS OKAY?????

He tells her she’s staying there, so she tries to say something, but he won’t let her.  He tells her his decision that she’s staying isn’t just for her, it’s because she’s too important to everyone in the caves – even the ones who would never admit it – to leave, because they all need her.  Because of that, he says she won’t be ‘kicked out’ of the ‘community’ without discussion.

Wanda argues that no one’s kicking her out, and he agrees, saying not even she is.  He kisses her again, then CURLS HIS HAND INTO A FIST AROUND HER HAIR AND PULLS HER FACE TO HIS, then asks her if that was good or bad, like he did the first time he kissed her.

How does she respond?  “Good“, of course!  WHAT THE SWEET FUCK?  There is NOTHING good about that!  Nothing at all!!  But he says that’s what he thought, because he was just trying to scare her into giving him the ‘right’ answer anyway, and this is more fucked up with every passing sentence!

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He kisses her yet again, squeezing her so tightly she gets dizzy with lack of breath, but then loosens his grip and creepily whispers “Let’s go” into her ear.  She asks where they’re going, and then seems to panic a little, repeating to herself how he is ‘her’ Ian, in a way that Jared will never be hers and her body can never be Ian’s.  I don’t even know what the fuck this was all supposed to be for.

Ian tells her not to ‘give him any trouble‘ because he’s ‘half out of his mind’, and I do NOT know how anyone could ever at all interpret this as anything other than abusive and horrible.  Once again, THIS IS NOT OKAY, and I am VERY uncomfortable with and upset by this.  This book should not exist.  This promotion of abuse should not exist.  How are people not upset about this??

She asks again where they’re going as he pulls her to her feet, and he tells her they’re going to the game room, and that she’s going to wait there until he gets everyone else.  Wanda is so fucking stupid that she can’t figure out why he’s FORCING her to go there, and MAKING DECISIONS FOR HER, so she starts to wonder if he wants her to play a game to ease the tension.  But then, of course, he tells her he’s calling a tribunal, and the chapter ends with him telling her that she is GOING to abide by the tribunal’s decision.

5-beacause-i-said-so

It’s really fucking great when your ‘boyfriend’ tells you that you have ZERO free will; that you don’t get to make your own decisions about ANYTHING in your own life, and that you’re just going to go and do what he says to do and wait like a good little girl for other people to tell you what you can and cannot do with yourself.  It’s especially great when he does so while trying to fucking scare and intimidate you, after being physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive!  Even BETTER when NO ONE has done anything to help you while he does ANY of that, and probably still won’t!

Do I expect Ian to EVER have to account for his actions here?  FUCK NO!  He’ll get exactly what he fucking wants, and Wanda will get NO say, because THAT’S APPARENTLY WHAT MEYER THINKS IS OKAY IN A RELATIONSHIP.

To Meyer, THIS is acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

To Meyer, THIS is acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

Fuck, I am SO PISSED OFF about this!  I need to stop now. Again, I apologize for freaking out about all this; I’m sure I didn’t seem much better than Ian here.  But this topic has very significant personal meaning to me, and I am so absolutely far from okay with the way Meyer presented it that I can hardly stand it.

So now I’m going to go get my son, and let my mind focus on something GOOD in the world, instead of this.  Because I swear to god, my son will NEVER treat ANYONE the way Ian treated Wanda here.  If he ever did, he’d have me to answer to about that.  Wish me luck on the next chapter, please.  I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need it.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

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