Tag Archive: fiction


Ahhh, another chapter of pointless conversation and the relentless description of tension between Edward and Bella.  See why I said these chapters were repetitive?  It’s just the same crap, over and over, except I care less and less every time.  And I really don’t care about what Bella does and does not like, which is at least half this chapter, so hopefully I’ll be able to skim through that pretty quickly.

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The chapter starts with eeeeeveryone watching Bella and Edward as they walk to their table in Bio class (because they are obviously just so fucking fascinating when they’re doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary), and Edward sitting closer to Bella than he used to while they watch a video (on VHS, at that).  Meyer goes on for an entire page about the tension between them as they both apparently sneak peeks at one another and hurt themselves trying not to touch each other, because the desire to is just soooo strong, and Bella has to try not to hyperventilate when Edward smiles at her, which I don’t feel like is normal at all.

In the end, she remembers absolutely nothing about the movie they watched because she’s so wrapped up in Edward – god, that is a healthy level of obsession, isn’t it? – and then Edward walks her to gym class, where he looks torn and pained and all those other things you want someone to look like when they’re agonizing over how much they want you (or so I assume, given Meyer keeps telling us that), until he runs his hand down her face.   Neither of them says anything after that, they both just leave, and Bella goes to get changed in a trance because apparently Edward makes her “lightheaded and wobbly” MULTIPLE TIMES in just this one chapter.  Yay.

Then it’s time to play what I’m assuming is badminton but is at least some game with a racket, and Mike offers to be her partner because “some vestiges of (Mike’s) chivalry still survived“…oh come on now; he’s not gonna turn into a gigantic dick just because you turned him down, you self-absorbed bitch.  He was never mean to you, not even for a second, so you have absolutely zero reason to believe he would be now.  Stop acting like every fucking person who is nice to you is secretly out to get you!

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Thankfully she at least thanks Mike for partnering up with her even though she sucks worse at sports than anyone else on the planet, but then thinks “Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike”, which makes me want to stab her again.  Again, Mike has been NOTHING but nice, friendly and understanding to her, so there is no reason why it shouldn’t ALWAYS be easy to like Mike.  Maybe I’m being too sensitive here, but this shit pisses me off.  She’s still being an ungrateful bitch, and more so to the two people who are nicest to her than anyone else, and it is infuriating!

Blah blah blah, details of how much she sucks at sports yet again, and Mike is only “pretty good” at them despite winning 3 of 4 games singlehandedly, and then her “feelings of affection” for him disappear because he has the absolute gall to ask if she and Edward are together.  What the FUCK is wrong with this girl?? She curses Jessica here too, for some reason…I’m assuming the logic there is that she assumes that Jess told Mike about her and Edward, but she’s been fucking with Edward everywhere she goes; I think Mike could figure it out on his own!

She gets all defensive when he says he doesn’t like that Edward looks at her like she’s something to eat, but then she thinks it’s funny because he (Edward) is doing exactly that, which is just her missing the fucking point entirely.  Mike has her best interests at heart, and she’s not even considering that for a second; she’s just telling him to mind his own business and laughing because he doesn’t know how RIGHT he is!  Fuck, she is the stupidest fucking character!

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She doesn’t spend even two seconds thinking about the conversation with Mike once she leaves him; she just goes back to getting butterflies over Edward again as she wonders whether he’ll be waiting to drive her home or not. Of course he fucking will; he made you come to school without your car, he’s not gonna just make you walk home without at least telling you about that beforehand! That’s just common decency!

She worries about whether his family knows that she knows they’re vampires or not, but that line of thinking quickly disappears when Edward is outside the door waiting for her, as expected, and she feels all relieved.  I’m sorry; I’m really annoyed by all this right now, so I may be saying things more sarcastically than perhaps I should be.  Anyway, they start talking about her gym class, and she realizes that Edward was listening in on her through Mike.  Edward says Mike is getting on his nerves, which is funny since all he’s done ‘wrong’ is have the exact same fucking concern for Bella that Edward keeps saying he has for her, and that he wishes she would have for herself…so yet again, someone is a dick to Mike for no good reason.

Of course Bella is all annoyed that Edward was listening in on her again, because she was somehow stupid enough to have not predicted that would happen, and then is subsequently annoyed because he doesn’t sound remorseful when he blames her for being the reason he did it (what?), so she ignores him, but walks to his car anyway.  “I hate you, don’t talk to me, but please drive me home!”  Bitch.

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Meyer decides to take another detour in her own story here and go on about cars for a  bit again, which is still entirely irrelevant to anything, but it gets Bella and Edward talking again, so clearly that was the point.  This exchange annoys me though, because Bella bothers to ask what kind of car Rosalie is driving, and then immediately makes it clear – in the most bitchy way possible – that she knows fuck all about cars.  So why did she ask in the first place?!

Bella and Edward make a deal that she will forgive him if he apologizes to her and agrees to let her drive on Saturday (after he rejects her attempt to make a deal that will keep him from listening in on her again; she gave that one up pretty easily), so he apologizes.

After that, they get into another completely unnecessary conversation about how Edward won’t bring a car on Saturday so that Charlie won’t find out that they’re together, even though he loves that family so there’s no reason why it would be a bad thing if he did find that out…and then they’re at Charlie’s, and Bella is asking if it’s “later” yet so she can find out about…whatever it was at the end of the last chapter that was supposed to be important.  See, that’s how much I care, and how well this book sticks with me.  Fuck.

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Oh, right, it’s about why she can’t see him hunt. He apologizes for scaring her with his reaction to her asking if she could see it sometime, then explains that the reason it would be so dangerous for her to be around while they hunted is that they give themselves over to their senses when they hunt, so he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t hurt her.  Reasonable.  Bella doesn’t say or do anything in response to this, just stares at him until he tells her she should go inside, getting all dizzy and weird again.

She gets out of the car, Edward informs her that it’ll be his turn to ask questions next, and then he’s gone, and this chapter gets even less interesting than it was before.  She has a restless sleep full of dreams of Edward, wakes up and bitches about the clothes she has to wear because of the weather in Forks, has a different breakfast than Charlie because for some reason he doesn’t make her any eggs, which I find hard to believe, and then she and Charlie have a completely pointless conversation in which he reiterates that she is going to Seattle and isn’t going to the dance.  Really, why did we need that, Meyer?  You’ve already been over those points a thousand times.

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Charlie leaves, and as soon as he’s gone, Edward is there waiting for Bella.  She leaves without locking the door, which we for some reason needed to know even though it doesn’t come up again in the chapter at all, then gets into the car with Edward, who is excruciatingly perfect and beautiful and blah blah blah; shut the fuck up.

I was always good – much more than good – when I was near him.

Really?  Because I have seen absolutely no fucking proof of that.  Most of the time when you’re with him, you’re pissed off about something, and the rest of the time you’re scared of something; it’s very, very rare that you’re actually happy or “good”.  Even when things are going the way you supposedly want.

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Edward asks her how she is and they discuss how little she slept, because hahahaha that’s so fucking funny because Edward doesn’t sleep at all, and then he starts in with the insane questions, which I’m not even going to bother to list off because they are really just the most boring questions that there is no reason why we would need the answers to at all, so I’ll only mention the especially stupid/annoying things that come of this conversation.

“‘Everything that’s supposed to be brown – tree trunks, rocks, dirt – is all covered up with squashy green stuff here,’ I complained.”

…That’s something worth complaining about?  Seriously?  Who the fuck would rather see dirt than vegetation? She said herself how pretty all the green stuff was, didn’t she?  I’m not going back to check, because fuck that, but really; this is such a fucking bullshit complaint.

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It turns out that Edward has the same CD Bella has, the one that her stepdad gave her, which is supposed to be one of those “omg we have so much in common” moments…but really, it just doesn’t come off as interesting to even the slightest degree here.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d talked so much. More often than not, I felt self-conscious, certain I must be boring him. But the absolutely absorption of his face, and his never-ending stream of questions, compelled me to continue.

Uggggh, you’re definitely boring me, if nothing else, and I have NO idea how anyone could be ‘absorbed’ by this pointless crap.  I don’t care what your favourite colour or movie or whatever the hell is, and why the hell would someone who has lived for centuries give a shit about that either?  This is NOT an interesting character, Meyer, and there is NO reason why someone like Edward would be drawn to her, or want to know any of this shit, and even less reason why we as the readers need to know it!

Blah blah fucking blah, her favourite gemstone is the colour of his eyes, how fucking surprising, and this goes on and fucking ON, until they have another tense movie session in bio class which ends, once again, with Bella having retained exactly none of what was in the video, and after which Edward touches her face again when he drops her off at gym class.  I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.  NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

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In gym, Mike ignores her, and she can’t tell if it’s because she looks distracted or if it’s because of their “squabble” the day before, and she considers feeling bad about that but decides she can’t be bothered because she’s a gigantic bitch.  Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it’s because she “can’t concentrate on him“. …No, yeah, that’s the same thing; she is really just a gigantic bitch.  Seriously, how fucking self-absorbed can you be?!  I’d like to say she’s not going to have many friends left if she keeps treating people this way, but clearly in Meyer’s experience that’s not the case, so it won’t happen…and that is somewhat infuriating to me.  God, I hate this book.

She rushes to change so she can be with Edward one millisecond sooner, who apparently starts questioning her again the moment he sees her.  Yaaaaaay.  They talk for hours about stuff that’s supposed to be deep and meaningful and interesting, but that I still just don’t even give the smallest of shits about, and then Edward reminds her that her father will be home soon, so they should probably stop talking.

“‘Charlie!’ I suddenly recalled his existence, and sighed.”

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I just…I just hate you so much.  So, so much.

She asks what time it is, which leads to a little rant from Edward about how it’s twilight (which does not really tell her what time it is, but hey, whatever) and how sad and ‘predictable’ the darkness is, and that feels ridiculously lame to me, but apparently we need to know that that’s the safest time of day for vampires for some reason.  Bella says she likes the dark, then Edward reminds her again that Charlie’s about to show up and informs her that there will be more fucking questions in the morning (kill me now), before realizing that “another complication” has arisen.

What complication is that?  Why, it’s a car pulling up that isn’t Charlie’s, that causes Edward to take off quickly, because inside the car are Jacob and his father.  Good times.  Jacob doesn’t notice Edward, but his father does, and he is clearly not amused at all.  The description of him is kind of terrifying and horrible, but of course Bella would see him that way since he’s an enemy of Edward in her eyes, so…yeah.  The chapter ends with Bella realizing that Billy (Jacob’s father) does ‘believe’ the ‘impossible legends’ about the vampires, and you have no idea how happy I am that this is over.  How did this book get so popular?  It’s so boring, and Bella is a TERRIBLE character!  Ugh.  That’s it for now.

But god, I wish it was.

But god, I wish it was.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

This chapter is pretty much just one giant conversation between Bella and Edward, and while it’s not too painful to read, there is, of course, a whole bunch of crap added that we definitely didn’t need, that could have made it much shorter if Meyer had cut it.  I really wish she would do that, even once.

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So the chapter starts with Bella arguing with herself over whether or not what happened the night before was a dream…so in other words, pointless blather.  More pointless blather about the weather, breakfast, and other things follows that, and then there is Edward’s car at the end of her driveway, and Edward asking her if she wants a drive to school with him.  What a nice, creepy way to start the day; a vampire walking up to you out of the fog, asking if you want to spend time alone with him in his car.

There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice – I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.”

Maybe it’s just me, but something feels very off about how this sentence is worded.  To me, it sounds like Bella isn’t used to being able to refuse things, even though there’s been no sign in the book thus far that anyone has ever stopped her from making her own choices about things.  Even Edward, who wants her to make the choice to stay away from him for her own good, is still (for some reason) giving her the right to make that choice herself instead of making it for her.  So why does she seem so surprised?  Maybe I’m just reading this wrong.

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Anyway, it’s no surprise that she agrees to go with him, and once she’s in his car he offers her his jacket again, because he knows Jessica still has hers.  Awww, he’s so considerate, and she’s so horny about his scent and his ‘perfectly muscled chest‘ that she can see through his shirt since he’s not wearing the jacket…

Bella feels awkward as they drive, because she doesn’t know what sort of dynamic they should have, and then Edward starts talking to her about her questions and reactions to him, and accuses her of editing her responses when she tells him what she’s thinking.  She tells him he doesn’t want to hear what she’s really thinking, which is a stab at him for when he said that the night before, so they go back to silence until they get to school, when Bella asks where his family is.

That question leads to a bunch of useless paragraphs about how the vampires want to fit in but they like shiny cars and driving fast too much, and then there’s Jessica, waiting for Bella with her jacket.  Jess is very awkward about Edward being with Bella for some reason (is it really that much of a surprise, given the night before?), so she takes off, and Edward and Bella discuss what she’s going to say to Jess when she sees her in class.

Bella uses Edward’s ability to read Jess’s mind to find out what she wants to know, which is if Edward and Bella are dating, and how Bella feels about him.  Bella takes that opportunity to find out where she stands with Edward, which is surprisingly clever for her, and he tells her that she should say yes to the question of whether or not they’re dating, because it’s “easier than any other explanation“.  How romantic.  At least he touches her hair while he does this, to make it somewhat less depressing.

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Edward leaves for class, telling her he’ll be waiting to see what her answer is to the question of how she feels about him, and then instead of being happy that she’s just found out she’s dating the guy she’s got a crush on, Bella is irritated because Edward is going to ‘cheat’ to find out how she feels.  If you’re dating the guy, how is that a problem?  Why can’t you focus on the good parts of any situation for more than 3 seconds?  So what if he knows how you feel about him; he just revealed that he wants to date you, and not only that, but he wants to let others know that! Clearly he feels something for you, as much as he shouldn’t! Aggh.

Mike starts talking to Bella once she sits down in class, asking about her time in Port Angeles, and then they chat briefly about his date with Jess…which he seems a lot happier about than he should, considering he didn’t want to date Jess, he only went out with her because Bella wouldn’t go out with him.  But hey, maybe he’s just a generally lonely guy, so he’s happy with whatever he can get.  I just can’t see this being how things would legitimately go in real life, unless the guy was just using the girl. I hope that’s not the case; poor Jess.

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Blah blah blah, time and classes go by, Bella “agonizes” over crap that’s really not all that bad, and then she is in class with Jess, and Jess is excited to hear about what happened with Edward.  Bella tells her all about all the things we already know, and then Jess asks if Edward has kissed her, to which she responds that “it’s not like that“.  …What?  He said you’re dating; how is it not “like that”?  Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t; if he wants you to be dating, chances are it is very much “like that”, and you should know that!  Besides, this makes it sound like you’re not even dating, which again, he just said you are!

Still, Bella says she doubts Edward will kiss her on Saturday either, so I’m willing to bet he will (even if only to spite her), and then Bella tells her about the waitress hitting on him and whatnot.  Again, this is all stuff we already knew that to some extent I understand why is here, but still do not believe has to be here in such detail.  Unfortunately, Meyer, I was paying attention the first time you described all this shit; I really don’t need to go through it all again.

Jess points out that Edward must like Bella if he was ignoring the pretty waitress for her, even though that’s kind of flawed logic, and Bella says she thinks he likes her, but it’s hard to tell.  Again, really? How is it hard to tell?  He JUST SAID YOU ARE DATING.  Most people don’t date people they don’t like, especially not when said person is someone who has told you repeatedly that they shouldn’t be around you for your own good, yet can’t seem to stay away from you! If how he feels about you trumps that, I’m pretty damn sure he fucking likes you! Still don’t know why, but yeah!

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For some reason.

They discuss how intimidating and gorgeous he is, and Bella has a very hypocritical thought about Jess’s view on things; she says Jess acts like Edward’s being gorgeous excuses any of his flaws, but that’s exactly what Bella has fucking done.  She’s decided that because he is pretty and she’s attracted to him, it doesn’t matter that he’s a vampire.  Bella, seriously, become even the slightest bit self-aware, here.  You can’t look down on Jess for doing something that you are doing to a MUCH worse degree.  I’m pretty sure Jess would be way more turned off by finding out he’s a vampire than you have been.  But damn, those abs, eh?  Totally worth dying for.

Bella goes on about how much more unbelievable Edward is behind his good looks, despite that she knows next to nothing about him, and then Jess confirms that Bella likes him, and asks her how much she likes him.  Is this actually a thing that teenaged girls do?  Because I don’t remember doing that.  I remember being asked if I liked someone, but once the answer was out, no one pressed about degrees of liking the person.  But I guess Meyer needed a way for Bella to reveal that she believes that she likes Edward more than he likes her, so she and Edward can have an asinine conversation about that later, so there you have it.

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Class ends, and as Bella and Jess leave, Bella makes sure to change the subject to her brief conversation with Mike about his date with Jess, so that she doesn’t have to talk about Edward anymore…and apparently they’re able to talk about that approximately two sentence long conversation for the entirety of the next class.  Dear god, I’m so glad I was never that kind of teenaged girl.  I’d have had to stab myself, I’m pretty sure.

When they leave for lunch, Jess confirms that Bella isn’t going to be sitting with her and her friends, and then there is Edward, waiting just outside the class for Bella.

Jessica took one look, rolled her eyes, and departed.”

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.…Why would she roll her eyes? She wants this for Bella; she’s excited about it…that is a completely nonsensical reaction.  I’m not sure why that annoys me so much, but it does…maybe because Meyer keeps having Bella treat Jess like shit, and then seems to be trying to make it look like Jess is being a bitch here, when she really isn’t a bitch at all.  I don’t know.

Bella and Edward exchange hellos, then don’t speak anymore (because Edward looks irritated again; yay) until they get to the lunch line, where Edward begins piling up food for the two of them.  Good of him to decide what she wants, isn’t it?  But hey, I guess he pays for it, so whatever.

Everyone stares at them “in amazement” wherever they go together, because I guess Edward must never have been seen with anyone outside his family ever before now, and for some reason everyone is much more invested in that than there is any reason to be…and then they’re sitting at their lunch table, with Edward proving he can eat real food if he wants to, and them discussing Bella eating dirt on a dare.  This is just such important and interesting information; I can barely stand it.

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Edward informs Bella that Jessica is analysing everything he does, which for some reason irritates him, despite that she is very useful to him so I can’t really see why he’d be annoyed by her…and then they discuss how pretty the waitress was, and how little Edward noticed her.  Again. Luckily that doesn’t go on for long, though, before Edward mentions that something Bella said to Jess bothered him, and they have an exchange that I really can’t tell if is meant to come off as flirtatious or full of annoyance, because the comments seem quite bitey.  I don’t like how the line there is so blurry with these two.  How is this supposed to be a desirable relationship for the reader, when it’s always on the borderline of annoyance and even, in some cases, mental/emotional abuse?

Edward tells her that he wants to know what she’s thinking all the time, he just sometimes wishes she wouldn’t think the things she does, and then asks if she really thinks she cares more for him than he does for her.  And here we go; bring on the inane crap!

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Bella tries to evade the question at first, but then answers that she does think that that’s the case, which he says is wrong.  After much delay due to Bella being distracted by how pretty Edward is yet a-fucking-GAIN (and this delay significantly annoys Edward, so maybe he doesn’t have as much control over his temper as we were led to believe in previous chapters), she explains that she thinks she cares more than he does because it sometimes seems like he’s trying to say goodbye to her when he’s saying something else, and because of “the obvious“.  Alllllrighty then.

Edward calls her perceptive, which again she ISN’T, because it didn’t just ‘seem’ like he was trying to say goodbye, he was ACTUALLY FUCKING TRYING TO, repeatedly, and was VERY clear about it…but says that that’s exactly why she’s wrong, and then asks what she means by “the obvious“.  This gives Bella a chance to get all self-deprecating and go on about how ordinary she is aside from her clumsiness, and what a contrast that is to him.

Edward tells her that she doesn’t see herself very clearly, which is true, but again not in the way he’s thinking; she doesn’t see herself clearly because she doesn’t see what a self-absorbed, whiney bitch she is on top of being ordinary and clumsy, while he thinks what she doesn’t see is how every male in school was thinking about her the day she showed up.  What the fuck?  Every male in school? She is one fucking person; she can’t possibly be to the tastes of EVERY GUY IN THE SCHOOL.  Especially because not all the guys would be stupid enough to fall for someone as bitchy as she is, especially as she was in those first few days.  Just fuck off, Meyer.

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Bella gets embarrassed by the implications of what Edward is saying, so she changes the subject back to the ‘goodbye’ portion of her argument, which Edward again says is exactly what proves that he cares the most; because he can say goodbye to her if leaving is the right thing to do to keep her safe from him.  …Except that he didn’t do that, and clearly can’t do it, or he would have by now, since he knows he’s a danger to her.  So…yeah, more flawed logic.

They get a bit flirty about her not getting into any life threatening situations yet today, while Bella thinks more dark thoughts that I’m not even going to bother with because again, when is she EVER doing or thinking anything good without a bunch of badness as well…and then Edward asks her if she really needs to go to Seattle on Saturday, or if she just said that to get out of saying no to all the guys asking her to the dance.

Bella again evades the question by trying to get after Edward for stopping traffic so Tyler could ask her, and blaming him for being the reason Tyler thinks the two of them are going to prom together, but Edward asks her if she’d have said no if he had asked her, and she has to admit that she probably wouldn’t have. She does say, though, that she’d likely have chickened out in the end anyway because of her clumsiness, which Edward teases her about but says would not actually have been a problem, because dancing is all about who leads.

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He changes the subject back to Seattle again, asking if she minds if they do something different, and she says she’s okay with them doing something different as long as she can drive, because she’s terrified of his driving…and because she doesn’t want to have to explain to her dad why she isn’t taking her truck, because “less is always more” with Charlie.  I assume that means she is once again thinking far too little of Charlie, because when does she do anything other than that, so she is once again being a stupid, ungrateful bitch.

She asks Edward where they’re going on Saturday instead, and he says the weather is supposed to be nice so he’ll be staying “out of the public eye“, and that she can stay with him if she’d like to…which again surprises her, because he’s giving her the choice.  Seriously, what’s up with that?

She asks if he’ll show her what he means about what happens to him in the sun, and he says he will, then says if she doesn’t want to be alone with him he’d still prefer if she didn’t go to Seattle alone, which leads to yet another conversation about how unsafe it is for her to be alone because she’s so incapable of taking care of herself, with her only argument against that being that she’s from Phoenix.  She says she doesn’t mind being alone with him anyway, and he says he knows, but thinks she should tell her dad anyway, to give him some incentive to bring her back.  Well that’s fucking creepy.

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She still doesn’t agree to tell Charlie, and then suggests they talk about something else, and then this chapter gets even more inane than it already was, as they discuss Edward and Emmett’s hunting trip, and their preferences as regards the type of animals they eat.  I’m sure this is only coming up because Meyer wants to make it important down the line, but that just depresses me all the more, because it means there’s more pointless, stupid crap to come.  Yaaaay.

I hate Bella’s attitude during this conversation though, because she’s intentionally trying to be ‘cool’ about everything he’s saying, and that drives me right up the fucking wall.  As boring as this conversation is for me, if it were actually happening with someone in real life, it would be pretty fucking interesting and/or terrifying, so acting like it’s just the most natural thing ever is just fucking stupid.

For a brief, shining second it looks like this conversation is going to end, when Edward asks her what she’s really thinking, but then nope; right back to bears as Bella asks how they hunt bears without weapons.  REALLY?  Do you still not understand what a fucking VAMPIRE is, you brainless twit?!

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Blah blah blah, on and on about how Emmett is like a bear when he hunts and Edward is like a mountain lion, so their preferences are fitting, and then Bella asks if she’ll ever get to see them hunt, which Edward says absolutely will not happen, in the angriest way possible.  She asks if it’s too scary for her, and he says if that was it he’d take her out right away, because she needs a healthy dose of fear so she might actually listen to him, and then says he’ll tell her the real reason why she can’t see it later.

Then they get up to head off to class, and Bella vows not to forget that he promised to tell her later, which is not surprising given how she’s acted when he’s said similar things before, so looking forward to more of that shit…and then the chapter ends.  So yeah, all talk and not a lot of action, and definitely not anything all that interesting or important at any point.  This is such good writing.

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(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

Chapter 6: Scary Stories

In chapter 6, we get to hear some stories and watch as Bella is even more of a manipulative bitch than usual, significantly lessening any sympathy I could possibly have had for her in the future…and otherwise, we get a lot of description of random crap that no one really cares about.  Yay!

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The chapter starts with Bella waiting for her truck to be returned to her, then it showing up, which is just thrilling…and, of course, she shares more of her extremely negative expectations, and those expectations are met as usual (at least in Bella’s mind; I don’t think anything is even half as bad in ‘real life’ as she makes it out to be).  Blah blah blah, blathering on about Edward; I’m fucking bored…Mike is excited about the weather, and Bella is (surprise surprise) incredibly negative about it…annnd someone doesn’t like her and is talking about her, and this is somehow surprising.

I’m sorry, I know it’s not nice to talk about people the way this girl is about her, and that she’s supposedly only doing it because she’s jealous that Edward is paying attention to Bella, but come on…Bella has given people enough reason to think she’s a bitch; has she seriously not noticed that at all somehow?  BE SELF-AWARE, BELLA.  You’re fucking annoying, and people don’t like that.  Or at least normal people don’t.  …Or maybe I’m wrong about that, given how many of Meyer’s fans seem to admire Bella as a character.  God, I am just so sad about humanity right now.

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Anyway, yeah, this girl named Lauren has a hate on for Bella and thinks she should sit with the Cullens instead of with Mike and his friends…which is stupid because Bella has only really been seen with Edward once, but whatever. Mike defends Bella, then we’re back home with Charlie, and we have this line:

I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he’d spent too many years building his habits to break them now.

…What?  Ah, fuck it; I’m not even going to bother.

Bella and Charlie have a brief conversation about the place Edward said he was going on the weekend, so we can see that Edward lied to her, and then Meyer jumps right into the next morning without a section break and goes on for a page about the weather, the types of cars Bella’s friends drive, and all their names. Wheeeee.

Three other girls stood with them, including one I remembered falling over in gym on Friday.  That one gave me a dirty look as I got out of the truck, and whispered something to Lauren.  Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully.

So it was going to be one of those days.”

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Isn’t every day one of “those” days, Bella?  It has definitely seemed that way so far, at least!  Also, am I really supposed to believe that more than one person is this bitter about her having one conversation with Edward? No one even seems to notice him most of the time; they certainly didn’t after Bella’s accident…so why should I think it would actually be this way?  Just because it’s high school?  Fine.  Let’s go with that.

Mike is happy to see Bella and even happier that she didn’t bring Edward, seating arrangements get sorted out (which is just fucking riveting, I swear), and then we have almost an entire page of description of the things they drive past and how beautiful they all are.  That’s great and everything, Meyer, but please make me care about this story.  These descriptions just aren’t doing that, though it is nice that they weren’t excessively negative for once.

The boys make a fire, which ends up burning blue and mesmerizing Bella (admittedly, it does sound pretty, but don’t driftwood fires give off toxic smoke? :P), and then a while later some of the guys decide they want to go on a hike to the tide pools, so Bella has to decide if she wants to go and risk falling into them, because she is THAT clumsy.  I’m not sure why Meyer keeps reminding us of this; is her clumsiness going to be a super important part of the story later on, or is it just supposed to endear us to Bella in some way?  Because it really doesn’t.  It’s actually very annoying.

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In the end, Bella decides to go with the guys because Lauren wants to stay behind, and Bella doesn’t want to have to be around her because she said mean things about her.  So off they go, with Bella finding the negative in everything yet again, and trying not to fall anywhere.  More descriptions of how pretty everything is, which again, I’m not knocking because I like pretty things and that Bella is seeing them as such, but it’s just more filler to skim over…and then we’re back to Edward again because of course we are. *sigh*

When the guys want to go back to get food, Bella goes with them, falling a bunch (seriously, why do we care about this?), and now I’m confused as to why any of this was in here at all.  Why was this hike integral to the story? It doesn’t seem to have served any purpose.  Sure, there is a group of people from the reservation at their campsite when they get back, but couldn’t they have just as easily shown up while Bella was still at the fire instead of wasting two pages with a useless hike?

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Anyway, everyone is introduced to everyone else and Mike brings Bella some food, Bella thinks about how much she likes Angela (thank god she likes SOMEONE other than Edward, even if it is for stupid, self-absorbed reasons) and about the flow of time (which is a significantly less interesting train of thought than it sounds like it should be), and then everyone disperses, leaving only Bella and a few others at the fire.

One of the others that stays behind is one of the kids from the reservation, Jacob, who of course is interested in Bella, just like everyone else (for whatever reason)…so we get a description of how beautiful he is, despite that he’s a few years younger than Bella (which is weird), which cannot possibly mean anything other than ‘potential love interest’ in Meyer’s world.

However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.

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…Or not.  But the first words out of his mouth are just asking if she’s Isabella Swan, and apparently it’s just the fact that he didn’t know – without ever having spoken to her before – that he should be calling her Bella, that is the problem.  Seriously?  You are that judgemental, Bella?  Wow.  No wonder you’ve never had a boyfriend.

Jacob reveals that Bella’s new truck had belonged to his dad, so they talk about his family for a minute because Bella was forced into playdates with Jacob’s sisters when she came to visit her dad growing up, and we learn that apparently she was a bitch even before she was 11, since she says she “kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips” by then.  Yep, something to be proud of for sure.

Jacob catches her up on what his sisters are doing now, they talk about the truck and rebuilding cars for a while, and Bella seems impressed enough with him, but there is no hint as to what the supposedly traumatizing things that Bella mentioned blocking out at the beginning of the book are (because they supposedly related to Jacob’s family).  …Unless that was just the forced playdates, in which case, fuck you, Bella.

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Lauren notices that Jacob is paying more attention to Bella than she’d like, so I guess maybe her disdain for Bella is personal, not just because of Edward…which is surprisingly refreshing, because at least someone is seeing Bella for what she is and not just being ‘jealous’ of or in love with her.  At least I can pretend it’s that, anyway.  Lauren brings up the Cullens, clearly trying to stir up trouble as the next thing we learn is that the Cullens “don’t come” where they are, and then Tyler manages to distract her with a CD somehow, so clearly she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer either.

Bella is conveniently observant enough in this instance to notice that when the boy says the Cullens “don’t come” there, he’s implying that they aren’t allowed, but then Jacob is asking her a question that allows her to bitch about Forks, so she is understandably distracted for a second.  And then we get into the part of the book that makes me hate Bella even more than any of the previous parts, if you can believe it.

I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullens, and I had a sudden inspiration.  It was a stupid plan, but I didn’t have any better ideas.  I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn’t see through my sure-to-be-pitiful attempts at flirting.

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Wow.  Fucking wow.  Not only are you a stupid bitch, but you’re a stupid manipulative bitch, who is PLANNING on using a young, nice boy that you actually find interesting and pleasant to talk to, so you can find out information about Edward! Do you have ANY conscience, whatsoever?  How can you DECIDE to USE someone, knowing they are at least somewhat interested in you and that they have done nothing wrong?  What the fuck is wrong with you?? WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS CHARACTER??

Bella asks Jacob to walk down the beach with her, while trying to use the expression Edward uses on her to get her to do what he wants, because that’s not fucking creepy at all, so off they go.  They discuss Jacob’s age as they walk and Bella ‘flutters her eyelashes’ at him (sweet Jesus, seriously, just fucking kill me now), and this whole exchange is fucking painful because the only thing Bella cares about is that she thinks her act is too obviously fake for Jacob not to notice; she doesn’t, at any point, think about how fucking WRONG it is to be putting on that act in the first place.

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Bella asks about the older guy who made the comment about the Cullens, still using manipulative conversational tactics as she does so, and Jacob tells her about him (Sam), and explains that the Cullens aren’t supposed to come onto the reservation. He tells her he’s not supposed to tell anyone why the Cullens can’t go there, so Bella lays it on even thicker, trying to ‘allure’ him into telling her about it, which for some reason fucking works because everything hates me.

“‘Do you like scary stories?’ he asked ominously.

I love them,‘ I enthused, making an effort to smolder at him.”

I hate this book.  So fucking much.

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Jacob asks Bella if she knows any of the old native stories, and she admits she doesn’t, so he goes on to tell her about the Flood and whatever, then reveals that a ‘legend’ claims that his tribe descended from wolves, so it’s against tribal law to kill wolves. Then, he says, there are stories about the “cold ones”, and his great-grandfather made a treaty with the cold ones to keep them off the natives’ land, because the cold ones are the natural enemy of the ‘wolves that turn into men’, which is what the natives are.

Instead of being surprised that Jacob has just revealed that the natives are werewolves, Bella decides to question the idea that werewolves have enemies, instead.  What the fuck?  Jacob says they have only one enemy, but that the ‘pack’ of cold ones that came during his great-grandfather’s time didn’t hunt the way the others did, so they weren’t dangerous to the tribe, which is why his great-grandfather made a pact with them instead of killing them.  The deal was that if the cold ones stayed off their land, the natives wouldn’t expose their identities to the ‘pale faces’.  Couldn’t that have gone both ways, since the natives were also, y’know, werewolves, and might not want the ‘pale faces’ to know that either?  Or is it somehow well known that werewolves are a thing in this universe?  If so, I’m surprised that’s only coming up now, but Bella doesn’t seem to think any of this is weird.

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Anyway, Jacob goes on to explain that this pack of cold ones was ‘civilized’, meaning they claimed not to hunt humans and instead preyed on animals, though of course there was never any guarantee if they got too hungry. Bella asks how all of that relates to the Cullens, assuming they must be like the cold ones from his great-grandfather’s time…but Jacob informs her that they are, in fact, the same cold ones from that time.  Oooooh.  God, I just do not care at all.

Apparently two of the cold ones are new, but the rest date back to before the ‘pale faces’ even arrived, which I would imagine is a long fucking time (and I’m not sure that timeline really fits with Jacob’s story, but whatever; I can’t be bothered), and Jacob says that they are ‘blood drinkers’.  Bella looks off into the distance as she processes that information, and then they talk pretty casually about how Jacob just violated a sacred treaty, because y’know, who cares, right?

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Bella promises to keep Jacob’s secret and acts like she thinks Jacob is just a really good storyteller, when actually she’s seriously considering that what he’s told her could be accurate, and then Mike and Jessica show up and someone or other is jealous again because Bella is in the company of someone else and I am just so fucking sick of this shit.

Bella informs Jacob that Mike is “definitely not” her boyfriend, because she wants him to keep thinking she’s interested in him because she’s still a manipulative bitch even though she already got the information she wanted out of him…but she makes sure Mike doesn’t see her wink at Jacob, supposedly to spare his feelings.  No it’s fucking not; it’s so she can still pretend he has a chance too, when he’s of use to her.  Fuck you, Bella; just fuck you so very, very much.

Bella tells Jacob he should come visit her when he gets his license, and finally feels guilty for using him, but not enough to fucking stop, and she somehow thinks it’s okay because she “really does like him”, and can see them being friends.  Y’know, casually ignoring the fact that you KNOW that’s not what he wants or what you led him to believe would be the case, you stupid bitch.

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Mike and Bella talk for a brief moment about Jacob’s stories, then Mike informs her that they’re all packing up to leave, so Bella says goodbye to Jacob and tells him she’ll come visit the next time her dad is down that way.  Then off they go, with Bella having been able to find a way to avoid sitting next to Mike, since that’s obviously the worst thing ever, and that’s the end of chapter 6.

Chapter 7: Nightmare

Ohhh, this chapter was really just a whole lot of nothing, wasn’t it?  Sooo many pages of nothing, and then a whole lot of rage.  Alright, here we go.

We start off with more of Bella’s annoying attitude as she gets home, goes to her room and puts on some music to try to distract herself from thinking about what Jacob told her, though I really have no idea why she is so intent on not thinking about it.  She wanted to know, now she knows, and it’s not like she’s going to be able to avoid thinking about it forever, so why bother?  And really, why bother in the first place?  How does not thinking about it help anything?  I don’t get this character at all.

Meyer’s description of Bella listening to music goes on for almost an entire page, and then she finally falls asleep.  She has another dream …and who wants to guess what it’s about?!  That’s right, Edward.  But not just Edward this time; Jacob is there too…and, amazingly, Mike! He’s not completely insignificant to her, apparently!  Yay!

Seemed fitting.

Seemed fitting.

In the dream, Bella is in the forest, trying to find the sun, when Jacob shows up and tries to pull her back into the darkest part of the forest.  She tries to ask him what’s wrong, but he just insists that she run, as Mike calls out to her to run in his direction.  Jacob suddenly turns into a werewolf as Mike continues to yell at Bella to run, but she ignores him in favour of a light she sees coming toward her from the beach…which is, of course, Edward.  His skin is glowing and he’s beckoning her to come to him, which she does, despite that she can see his fangs.  Because she’s an idiot, Jacob has to defend her, so he (in werewolf form) dives at Edward, going for the jugular, which causes Bella to cry out and then wake up.

When she’s awake, Bella realizes that it’s 5:30 am and she’s lying in bed still fully dressed (including boots…okay then), with all the lights on.  She tries to get back to sleep but can’t, even after doing a little striptease, so she decides to go have a shower instead, noticing after she’s done that Charlie is already gone.  When she’s all ready for the day, she bitches about the internet, gets some cereal, puts on some music, fights with some pop-ups, and does an internet search for vampires.  Well goddamn, this is exciting.

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As would be expected, her search returns a large variety of results, some of which she skims over entirely, and others she reads in depth.  I’m not going to get into anything about any of that, because it’s really just a few pages of things you could look up on the internet yourself (in fact, the page that Meyer references actually does exist), but in the end, Bella feels that she hasn’t found much of anything that coincides with what she’s seen of the Cullens, or what Jacob told her.

That doesn’t make much sense to me, given that what she lists as the qualities she’s seen/heard from Jacob should coincide with at least some myths, yet she says there were few myths that matched even one of those criteria…I feel like I’m missing something here.  But am I going to look in depth at the website Meyer mentioned to fact check this?  Hell no.  You can if you want (http://vampiresaz.webs.com/), but that is just way too much work for me to bother with for a book like this that I care so little about.  Sorry guys.

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Bella is perplexed by the fact that those things don’t match up, though, as well as the fact that according to popular culture, Edward should not be able to go out in sunlight…so she angrily shuts off the computer and feels stupid for having looked anything up in the first place.  She wonders briefly what is wrong with herself that would make her do that, but then:

I decided that most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks – and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.

Of course, because no blame for your own actions should ever go to you, you self-absorbed little fuckwit.  So. Much. Hate.

She decides she wants to leave the house, so she takes off into the woods on foot, which is obviously the best idea ever given the dream she just had…and the fact that she goes on here about how bad her sense of direction is.  I just…so very much do not understand why anyone likes this character.  I know I’ve said that a thousand times before, and I’m sure I’ll say it a thousand more, but really, come on! What is there about her that’s likeable at all, at this point?

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Blah blah blah, names of trees, who gives a fuck…and finally, after almost a page of descriptions of crap in the forest, Bella sits down on a recently fallen tree and realizes how stupid it was to wander out into the forest when she was trying to escape the memory of her dream. More descriptions of forest crap follow that realization, and then Bella decides that it’s much easier to believe Jacob’s stories in the woods than it was in the comfort of Charlie’s house, so she allows herself to consider the things she deems important to figure out about the situation.  And what are those?

1) Is it possible that what Jacob said about the Cullens could be true?

2) If so, what is she going to do about it?

At first, she decides that it isn’t possible that the Cullens could be vampires, but then as she thinks more about Edward’s speed, strength, shifting eye colour, skin, beauty, grace, the fact that he and his siblings don’t eat, and that Edward apparently talks like he’s from a turn-of-the-century novel (I suppose I could see that) – all of which are things she just said are not qualities listed on the vampire websites (unless I read that wrong), remember – as well as the fact that he skipped the blood typing class, only said no to the beach trip when he knew where they were going (which…I get the point she’s making here, but if the sun was supposed to bother him, then wouldn’t he have skipped entirely for that reason?) and seems to always know what everyone (except her, cause she’s special) is thinking…she starts to wonder.

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She decides, in the end, that the Cullens are something inhuman, whether vampire or otherwise, but that she can’t tell anyone else about that because she knows they’d think she’s crazy.  So that leaves her with two options; either do what Edward said and avoid him – which she decides she cannot do because she is “gripped in a sudden agony of despair” just thinking about it (this could not be more emo if it tried) – or she can do absolutely nothing and continue looking at Edward as a good thing despite the danger he could pose to her, because he did save her life after all, so he must not really be all that dangerous.  Riiiiiiight.  Let’s go with that.

She thinks about the ‘dark’ version of Edward from her dream and decides that that was just a reflection of her fear of the idea of vampires, not an actual fear of Edward, especially because even in the dream she cried out in defence of him, because she didn’t want Jacob to hurt him….even though he was calling to her with his fangs out.  She figures she’s in too deep to get out of it now, so why bother trying, and this is all just terrifyingly reminiscent of the thought process that accompanies abusive relationships.  She’s making excuses for things she should rightly be afraid of because she ‘loves him too much’ to let him go, even though he could cause her real, physical harm.  Again with the excellent role models, Meyer.  You scare me.

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Now that I knew – if I knew – I could do nothing about my frightening secret.  Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.  Even if…but I couldn’t think it.

See, this paragraph is fucking horrifying.  Does Meyer intend it to come off that way, or does she really not see how incredibly unhealthy that thought process is?  The fact that young, female readers can be influenced by that kind of thinking terrifies me.  “He’s so pretty, and I love him, so I can’t leave him even if he scares me and even if I know he might kill me.”  Really?  THIS is the example you want to set?  Fuck, I am furious, but more than that, I am just scared for the younger generation.  This is not okay.  I am not okay with this at all.

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Bella gets up and finds the path she was on again, eventually finding her way home, then gets changed and writes a paper she has due for school.  She feels a lot better now that she’s made her incredibly stupid decision, because at least it was a decision, and that’s all she needs, apparently.  She thinks the decision she made is ‘ridiculously easy to live with‘, which is even scarier, but I guess there’d be no book if she didn’t.  Pity, that.

She finishes her paper, thinks about her trip to Seattle with Edward and how it makes her feel the same as taking a walk with Jacob did (what?) and how she should be afraid of it but isn’t, then sleeps without dreaming and wakes up to a sunny day.  Seeing the sun puts her in a good mood, which finally leads her to say something nice about Charlie, thank god…and it’s nice to have some positive descriptions of things in this book for once.  It should be sunny in this book more often.

She heads out to school, and because she gets there early she decides to stop at a picnic bench and go over some of her homework.  She doesn’t get very far before she starts daydreaming, though (who wants to guess it’s of Edward?!), and then Mike shows up wearing shorts, like a bunch of other people, despite that it’s supposedly March.

“‘Hey Mike,’ I called, waving back, unable to be half-hearted on a morning like this.”

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…What?  Are you usually intentionally half-hearted?  How am I always learning worse and worse things about this character?!

They talk briefly about the fact that her hair has red in it, which is just so fucking fascinating I want to claw my eyes out, as is the rest of their conversation about when homework is due…especially because of the very feminist nature of Bella’s topic for her paper; “whether Shakespeare’s treatment of the female character is misogynistic”.  I find that incredibly ironic.  Almost cruelly so.

Eventually, the conversation turns to Mike asking her out for dinner, and Bella asks herself:

Why couldn’t I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?”

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Well, Bella, for one, I’ve seen no proof that that’s even the case, but if you really feel it is, you probably should have told him by now that you’re not interested.  If you’d just done that before, he wouldn’t still think he had a chance with you, and probably wouldn’t act in accordance with that assumption.  So…yeah.

But does she even take this opportunity to tell him she’s not interested?  Helllll no!  Instead, she tells him she doesn’t think it would be a good idea because she thinks it would hurt Jessica’s feelings.  Great, now she’s just gone ahead and blamed Jessica for getting in the way of their love, when she isn’t even actually interested in him.  Poor Jess; she’s never done anything wrong, and she gets treated like shit by Bella any time it isn’t convenient for Bella to give her what she wants.

Mike is a complete idiot though, apparently, as he somehow didn’t notice Jess’s interest in him, so Bella points out that idiocy and takes off to class.  Later in the day she gets invited to go dress shopping with Jess, Angela and Lauren, even though Lauren hates her and she doesn’t need a dress since she’s not going to the dance…but she’s not unsure if she should go for those reasons; no, she’s unsure if she should go because who knows what else she could be doing, because obviously Edward is gonna show up and ask her out for some reason, despite that they haven’t even gone to Seattle yet.  Logical, Bella.

Riiiight.

Riiiight.

As they walk to class, Jess is trying to talk to her, but she is – as usual – completely ignoring her in favour of her own thoughts about Edward.  Such a good friend, this one is.  Fuck.  She is excited to see the Cullens and compare them with what she knows of vampires, but gets a little afraid when she realizes that they might be able to read her thoughts…but when she gets to the cafeteria, none of them are there anyway.

Desolation hit me with crippling strength.”

Really?  Desolation?  Edward and his siblings aren’t there one day, and desolation cripples you?  Wow, yeah, this is just so completely unhealthy it’s almost unfathomable.  I am seriously appalled by this.  I really want to just stop reading now…

I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.”

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Yep, should have just stopped reading.  Wow.  Fucking WOW.  Not only are you a shitty enough person that you weren’t actually listening in the first place because you’re too self-absorbed, but now, because something didn’t go your way, you’re not even going to PRETEND you’re capable of being a decent person?  Why the sweet fucking HELL does anyone want to be friends with this fucking bitch?  She is a HORRIBLE person, and clearly isn’t even trying to HIDE that anymore!  Jess deserves SO much better!  Aggggh, this seriously pisses me off, because I have KNOWN people like this, and they ALWAYS get much better friends and boyfriends than they deserve!  FUCK YOU ENTIRELY, BELLA!

Bella sits down to lunch and answers some questions Angela has about the paper she wrote on the weekend as she “spirals into misery” (fuck you, fuck you, fuck you), and then Angela invites her to go dress shopping as well (Jess invited her before), so she agrees, deciding that she needs something to distract herself.  Great.  You’ll be great fucking company, won’t you?

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She is disappointed all over again when Edward doesn’t show up for Biology, and then her entire gym class is somehow taken up by an explanation on the rules of badminton…as will the next class be, because the teacher didn’t finish in time.  Okay, so either her teacher talks painfully slowly, or the class is full of complete and utter morons, because badminton is not that hard to understand.  Does Meyer know anything about sports, or is Bella a reflection of her?  Because that would explain a lot.  Though honestly, I don’t think anything would explain why it would take two full classes to explain the rules of badminton.  Not unless the classes were like 5 minutes long, anyway.

I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.

Firstly, is it really called a ‘campus’ if it’s for high school?  I hadn’t thought so, but maybe I’m wrong.  Secondly, FUCK YOU, BELLA!  You are so fucking annoying.  “Free to pout and mope“?  Really?  How old are you; 12?  GROW UP!

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Her plans fall through, though, because Mike asks Jessica on a date, so they postpone dress shopping until the next day.  I’m…kind of surprised that Mike asked Jess on a date, cause that’s really pretty terrible, given he has feelings for Bella still, so that’s not really fair to Jess…but wait, why am I surprised?  Meyer did write his character too, after all, and everyone is fucked up in Meyerworld.  Poor Jess.

Bella decides to focus on homework, then reads through emails from her mom and replies with a lie.  Remember how bad she is at lying because she apparently doesn’t like to do it?  Yeah, we just see more and more proof of that, don’t we?  Also, she doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about talking to or hearing from her mother, for someone who claimed that her mother was her ‘best friend’.

She grabs a book and heads down to the backyard to read for a while, a scene which takes entirely too many paragraphs for Meyer to describe, given how simple it is (and how stupid; “…the thick lawn that would always be slightly wet, no matter how long the sun shone“?  Right, that’s the way that works), and I’m not even going to bother going into all the details Meyer added here because none of them are even slightly necessary.

After reading, she falls asleep, and wakes up to the sound of Charlie’s car in the driveway.  She feels like she’s not alone when she wakes, but ignores that feeling and runs into the house to get supper started.  After dinner they watch TV together, and then she asks Charlie if she can go dress shopping with the girls the next day, which seems to be something only added so she could show just how much Charlie doesn’t get girls, yet again.  No man is this stupid, Meyer.  Men like opinions on their clothes too, and they also have friends; he would not be so completely vapid as to be unable to figure out one or two reasons why her friends might invite her to come shopping with them even if she wasn’t going to be buying anything. Really now; this is offensive and stupid.

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I wouldn’t have to explain this to a woman.

He seemed to realize that he was out of his depth with the girlie stuff.

Yep.  Those comments just…make me stabby.  He’s not a fucking moron just because he’s male, Meyer.

Bella continues to demean Charlie’s intelligence as the conversation turns to whether or not he’ll be able to feed himself while she’s gone.  He points out that he did so for 17 years, but what is Bella’s response to that?

‘I don’t know how you survived,’ I muttered, then added more clearly, ‘I’ll leave some things for cold-cut sandwiches in the fridge, okay?  Right on top.‘”

What. The. FUCK?!  This man is her FATHER; how can she be so condescending and disrespectful to him?  Why does he put up with that?  How stupid does she think he is?  Does he REALLY need her to tell him EXACTLY where to find fucking COLD CUTS?  I’m sure he can figure that out on his own!  Fuck, she is SUCH a fucking bitch, and she thinks she’s SO MUCH BETTER than everyone else around her!  SO MUCH RAGE!  Stop talking to your fucking father like he’s a child!  And you know why you don’t know how he survived?  Because you WEREN’T THERE, and you never even gave him one fucking chance to show you whether or not he could cook when you showed up, you just assumed you were oh so fucking superior and went ahead with that!  GAHHHHH! I need to calm down.

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In the morning it is sunny again, but the Cullens still don’t seem to be at school, so Bella is emo.  Conveniently, Lauren is unable to attend the dress shopping that evening, so Bella doesn’t need to deal with her being there, so luckily, she decides to make the most of the trip and be in a good mood for it so as to not ruin things for Jess and Angela.  Thank fucking god.  But let’s see how long that actually lasts, I guess, before I get too excited.

Bella figures Edward won’t cancel their Seattle plans without at least telling her, so she uses that for hope to get through (so it’s not really about Angela or Jess being happy after all…surprise surprise), and the chapter ends with her feeling excited about the trip and writing a note to Charlie “explaining again where to find dinner“, just in case OPENING THE FUCKING FRIDGE DOOR is too hard for him to figure out.  And here comes that rage again.  Okay, I’m going to end this recap now instead of dealing with the last few lines of the chapter, lest I break something.

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(See Mike’s take on these chapters at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

Alright, so obviously plans have changed again, and I’m posting just the chapter 5 review for today…which is actually a shortened version of my original one, because I was intending to use it as part of a larger post that encompassed a few chapters, but it’ll have to do because I am not going to go back and try to rewrite everything I cut out of it 😛  From now on, since plans keep changing, I’m just going to go ahead and say I don’t have  a plan, and post whatever makes the most sense at the time based on where Mike and I both are.  So without further ado, chapter 5!

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Chapter 5, I must admit, was not actually all that horrible.  It was boring, for sure, but there was far less whining than in previous chapters, so that helped.  I still like Edward better than anyone else in this book, though, and I’m not sure how to feel about that given what I’ve heard about their relationship as the story progresses…but anyway, enough about me.

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The chapter starts with Bella all starry eyed because Edward asked her to go to Seattle with him, which makes her late for class, because if she is not embarrassed at least a few times in every chapter, this just wouldn’t be Twilight.  She goes on about Mike again for a while, and how she’s still going to go on his beach trip because she feels bad for turning him down…though why the hell anyone would want to take a trip to the beach when temperatures are only in the high forties, I don’t know.  But hey, this is a guy with a crush on Bella, so I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised that he doesn’t have the smartest inclinations.

Annnd then we’re back to unhealthily obsessing over Edward, but at least this time something comes of it; Edward invites Bella over to eat lunch with him, since he’s decided to sit apart from his family for once.  Ooooh.  When she joins him, they have a bunch of awkward and seemingly pointless conversation wherein Edward makes vague references to stealing her away from her friends because he’s given up on having self-restraint, despite that she’s been such a bitch to him…and she tries to get him to agree that they are friends, which he finally does after some weird back and forth, during which he warns her again how bad he is for her.  Yeah, we get it.

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I kind of like the sarcastic undertones that Meyer sprinkles throughout this exchange, but I still don’t feel like this is building up to a pairing that I, as the reader, would support or ‘hope for’.  So far, Edward seems a bit too cocky and arrogant to be as attractive as everyone seems to think he is, and Bella seems too weak and bitchy to be attractive to someone who is viewed as highly as Edward is, so I just don’t buy them together.  I don’t feel chemistry between them during this conversation, and I feel like I should; the sarcasm should have felt a lot more flirtatious than it did.  As it was, it just kind of felt like they were both repeatedly annoyed/offended by one another.

Anyway, the conversation goes on even more pointlessly, as Bella tries to figure out if he’s a superhero (oh god) and passive aggressively calls him on being a frustrating hypocrite, and then Bella eventually switches back into bitch mode as she asks him to ‘do her a favour’ and let her know next time he’s going to ignore her ‘for her own good’.  And then we’re back to the fucking superhero shit again, which normally wouldn’t bother me but it goes on for way too long, before Bella finally realizes that Edward was serious when he told her he was dangerous.

She doesn’t feel afraid of that, though (of course), so that conversation pretty much ends there, and then Bella heads off to class alone, since Edward is so badass that he’s decided to skip.  And I shit you not, all of that was 8.5 pages, and there are still 15.5 pages to go, just of this chapter.  Shoot me now.

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Half a page later Bella gets to class, where her teacher hands out blood typing kits to each of the students, and shows them how to test for their blood type by using Mike as his example.  We quickly learn that Bella can’t handle the sight of blood, as she begins to get nauseous and dizzy as soon as Mike’s finger is pricked, and I get the feeling that Meyer thinks she’s really clever for giving Bella this phobia, but Meyer, seriously, this is fucking lame.  Unless this becomes a big plot point at some point later in the book, this is just stupid (and even if it did, it would need to be an incredibly fucking interesting point to be worth all this shit), and we really didn’t need pages devoted to showing us just how phobic Bella is, and how embarrassed she is about it.

But, of course, that’s exactly what we get; Bella feels faint, her teacher has Mike take her to the nurse, but she stops on the way there and asks to sit down for a bit, and of course, Edward shows up.  Y’know, because when you ditch class you definitely stay on school property; that’s just the best idea! Edward steals Bella away from Mike, despite both Mike and Bella’s pathetic arguments, and teases her about her phobia as he carries her to the nurse.

Once there, we get the usual scene you see when someone goes to the nurse for something entirely uninteresting, Bella tries to be funny but fails, Edward expresses concern for her, they briefly discuss Mike, and then Edward reveals that when he skips class, all he does is sit in his car listening to music.  Riiiiiight.  Fuck, Meyer, didn’t I tell you to fuck off with the convenience crap when we were still on The Host??

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When the nurse comes back, Bella is suddenly cured…and because Meyer didn’t listen to me when I just fucking said to stop with the convenience bullshit, someone else is brought in so she can easily leave.  The boy who’s brought in, though, is apparently bleeding, because Edward tries to protect Bella from it but she says she can smell it anyway…which surprises Edward, because apparently people can’t smell blood.  Um, what?  Yes they can.  I can, anyway, and I’m pretty sure I’m not as special as we’re clearly supposed to think Bella is for being able to smell it.

Anyway, Mike comes out and seems displeased that Bella is doing better, they have some boring chatter about the weekend, then he leaves, reminding Bella that she has gym class…which is obviously just the worst thing ever.  But surprise of surprises, Edward can save her from that too! So he does. I’m not going to get into how since it really shouldn’t have taken a page to do, but either way, they’re both free to go, since Edward is going to take her home because he is such a perfect gentleman.

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They leave the office and amazingly enough, Bella actually manages to thank Edward for what he’s done for her without also being a bitch! Then they talk about whether Edward is going to the beach with the group or not, which of course he isn’t because he’s a sparkly vampire (oops, spoiler alert; I meant to say because he “doesn’t belong in the same world“…ugh), but it does give Bella the opportunity to say “Mike-schmike“, which is both really fucking stupid and a lovely offensive remark against Mike, who has been nothing but nice to her.  I’ll say it again, Bella: You are a total bitch.

Bella tries to go to her truck, but Edward won’t let her because he’s supposed to drive her home…which leads to an entire page of them arguing over whether she can drive home or not, even though we all knew that in the end, she’d go with him anyway, so we really didn’t need all this filler.  Yet again.

Bella decides that if she’s going to have to go with him, she might as well sulk and be completely immature about it, because that’s fucking attractive (seriously; she is not acting like a girl with a crush at all, despite that she supposedly has one), but then she recognizes the music he’s playing, and decides that’s a good enough reason to drop her act before she’s even started it.  Okay, sure.

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They drive for a while, then Edward starts asking her about her mom, which depresses her, so they start talking about how old she is.  Edward says she doesn’t seem seventeen, and it seems we’re supposed to believe that Bella comes off as much older than she is to the people who know her, but I find that incredibly fucking hard to believe given what an immature, spoiled brat she is.

Well, someone has to be the adult.

Really, Bella?  You think YOU’RE the adult, as compared to your parents?  What the unholy fuck?!

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Edward asks her why her mother married Phil, which seems to be kind of a stupid question, but Bella answers anyway, so they discuss whether or not Bella is happy about the marriage…all so we can be reminded – yet a-fucking-gain – of how ‘generous’ and ‘selfless’ Meyer’s characters are.  Uggggh.

They end up on the topic of whether or not Edward is scary, and Bella responds saying something that almost sounds flirty but I guess is not, and then they get on to talking about Edward’s adoption and the death of his birth parents.  Tragic.  I feel like I should care a lot more than I do.

Bella tries to bring up Edward’s siblings, but he says he has to go, then reveals that he won’t be in class the next day because he’s going hiking.  He asks Bella to be careful not to get hurt, so she responds sarcastically and slams the door – because remember, she is “the adult” – and then Edward drives off, and that is the end of chapter 5.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

I can’t even count the amount of times I rolled my eyes while reading this chapter.  This book is so negative and whiny it’s physically painful; it actually has already, by the third chapter, managed to top The Host in that regard.  And here I thought this one might be better…*sigh*

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Because this chapter could clearly start no other way, the first page is all about Bella waking up, finding snow on the ground, and acting like it’s the end of the world.  Yaaaay.  Charlie is gone when she gets downstairs, so she has breakfast and thinks about how bad it is that she’s excited to go to school, because nothing can be positive for more than five minutes in her life.  Though the reason it’s bad is because she’s excited to see Edward, so I guess I can see her point…actually, no, it would still be nice if everything didn’t need to turn negative all the time.  But I have to stop hoping for that, or I’m going to end up very depressed by the end of this book.

She obsesses about Edward for a while, repeating things we already knew if we read the last two chapters, and then leaves the house for her treacherous walk to the truck.  It’s ice, Meyer; it’s not going to kill her if she falls, so enough with the drama.

Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.”

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Ugh. That really encourages me to read on.

On her drive to school, Bella thinks about how popular she’s become with the boys and how that never happened back in Phoenix, but instead of being flattered, she finds it ‘disconcerting’.  Seriously, this girl is NEVER happy about ANYTHING.  She thinks she might prefer being ignored to having their attention in a romantic capacity, which is ridiculous given how much she complained about expecting to be ignored and have no friends, and I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to stand multiple books of this crap. How does anyone like Meyer’s characters?  How are they the least bit likeable, when this is how they act?  I will never understand all the love here!

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Bella arrives at school and realizes that the reason she had a pretty easy drive there despite the icy roads was because Charlie put chains on her tires to give her more traction, and thankfully, she’s very grateful for and emotional over that realization.  As long as Charlie gets the appreciation he deserves, I’m happy.

But of course nothing good can ever actually be good in the land of Meyer, so while she stands by her truck appreciating what Charlie has done for her, a van loses control in the parking lot and careens toward her.  Bella sees Edward across the parking lot looking horrified, just before she sees the van…and then all of a sudden she gets hit by something, which knocks her to the pavement right before the van hits her truck.

For added drama, Meyer has the truck curl around and come toward her again, but again it doesn’t hit her, this time because a mystery man’s hands shoot out and grab the van and then push Bella out of the way so that the van can land in the spot where her legs had been.  I’m not going to get into the descriptions of all that, because I don’t honestly want to have to think about it all the way I had to with The Host, but let’s just assume it doesn’t make any sense because none of the ‘action scenes’ Meyer writes ever do.

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Everyone starts yelling Bella’s name, but all she can hear is Edward asking her if she’s alright.  She realizes she’s cuddled up against him and that she’s hurt her head, but instead of addressing any of that, she decides instead to ask Edward how he got across the parking lot so fast.  He tells her he was standing right next to her, so she sits up and looks at him, and then forgets what she was asking him because he’s so pretty or something.

A bunch of panicked people show up to deal with Bella and the guy in the van that crashed (Tyler), so Edward tells Bella to stay down where she is.  She suddenly remembers the question she’d tried to ask him, so she and Edward have a little argument over whether he was standing next to her or across the parking lot before the accident happened, because, in Bella’s words, “I was right, and he was going to admit it.”  Yep, this is a great character.  That’s definitely a good attitude to model for young girls; very useful in romantic relationships.  Ugggggh.

Edward tries to intimidate Bella into agreeing with him, but she’s too stubborn, so he ends up pleading with her.  She finally agrees, but only if he promises to explain everything later, which annoys him, but he says he will.  And for some reason, she responds angrily to his agreeing to do what she asked.  Yup.

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Paramedics show up and Bella gets put on a stretcher, which is just omgsoembarrassing for her, but it’s even worse when her dad shows up, worried about her.  God, how annoying; your parent showing up after you were in an accident that could have killed you, and expressing concern for your well-being.  Why wouldn’t you sigh and whine about that?

As her dad talks with the paramedic about her condition, she replays what happened in her head, remembering how there had been a dent on the bumper of the car next to her from Edward’s shoulders when he saved her the second time.  She notices Edward’s family standing by, looking angry and disapproving of Edward but not concerned for him (how she can tell this, I don’t know, but whatever), and is very confused about how any of what happened could make sense.

When they get to the hospital, Bella is jealous that Edward gets to walk in of his own accord because she’s soooo humiliated that she has to be taken care of, so as soon as she gets a minute away from the nurse attending her, she pulls off the “stupid-looking” neck brace they gave her and throws it under the bed.  Seriously, how old is this girl?  She’s so fucking childish!

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Tyler gets wheeled into the room with her then, and immediately begins apologizing to her.  They briefly discuss what happened, with Bella using the lie Edward told her to tell about being next to her, despite that she’s a terrible liar – again, just like Wanda.  Like I said, there’s one main character that goes by different names when Meyer’s writing; there simply cannot be any variety in their personalities.

Tyler is surprised by her story because he hadn’t noticed Edward near her when the accident happened, but he somehow skims over that fact and accepts her obvious lie anyway.  Knowing Tyler didn’t see Edward either confirms for Bella that she was right about what happened, and then she’s off to get x-rayed, where she is informed that she doesn’t even have a concussion, so she’s all good.  Yay, right?  Nope, not with Bella; just more complaining because she has to get a doctor’s permission before she can leave, so she has to ‘endure’ Tyler apologizing to her some more.  Suck it up, Bella; appreciate your good fortune here, and the fact that he cares so much.

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But this, of course, is her attitude.

Edward shows up and opens himself up to Bella’s complaining again by asking her how she’s doing.  When she tells him she’s fine but they won’t let her go, he tells her that’s what he’s there for, and at that moment – because his timing is impeccable – the doctor walks in, and he is sooo gorrrrrgeoussss, so we know he’s Dr. Cullen.  As if it would have been anyone else.

Dr. Cullen asks Bella how she’s doing, and they discuss how fine she is before he gives her head a quick checkup and then tells her she can go home.  She wants to go back to school for some reason, though, and is upset when it seems like Edward will be but she won’t, but is then mortified to find out that “most of the school seems to be in the waiting room“.  Uh, what?  Why would that ever be the case?  That’s not how things work in real life, Meyer…besides which, why would she be all upset that the school is there, yet also upset because she wants to go back to school?  Ugggh, these characters.

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Dr. Cullen asks her if she wants to stay in the hospital, so she quickly tells him she doesn’t and jumps out of the bed, almost falling over in the process.  Idiot.  Blah blah blah, she was lucky, she makes things awkward by mentioning Edward being next to her in the accident in front of his father, who she knows will know better, and then Dr. Cullen is busy with Tyler, so Bella decides to take the opportunity to talk to Edward.

Edward tries to avoid talking to her, for obvious reasons, but she’s still too stubborn to back down, so they go into a hallway together, where she demands the explanation she feels he owes her.  He is obviously very annoyed by this, since he saved her life and all, but he reacts kind of stupidly to the things she says, so in a way it’s not really that surprising that she’s mad at him at this point.  Still, she’s not coming off as a very attractive character; way too pushy, stubborn, self-absorbed and whiney.  How is she a love interest?

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Edward asks her what she thinks happened, so she runs over what she knows about the situation, getting upset by the end as she realizes how crazy the things she’s saying sound.  Edward tells her no one will believe her that he lifted a van off of her, but she says she’s not planning on telling anyone, which surprises him.  She tells him she just doesn’t like to lie, so she wants to know why she’s doing it if she’s going to have to, and Edward realizes she’s not going to back down, but decides he won’t either.

She gets distracted by how fucking pretty he is again, which I am entirely sick of, and then asks him why he even bothered saving her, because that’s showing gratefulness.  Edward says he doesn’t know, then turns and leaves. I don’t know either, dude.  You could have spared us both a lot of pain if you hadn’t.

When Bella gets out to the waiting room, eeeeeeveryone is there, because somehow this is a big enough deal that the entire TOWN needs to come out for it.  Among them is, of course, Charlie (don’t know why he wouldn’t have been allowed to see her in the hospital room, especially if she was fine, but whatever), and Bella is, as usual, short and rude with him because she’s embarrassed that he cares about her.  Haaaaate.

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Charlie leads her out to his cruiser and they drive home in silence, because Bella is still too busy thinking about Edward.  When they get home, he tells her she’ll have to call her mom, and she gets allllll pissed off because how dare he tell her mother that she was in a potentially fatal accident?!

She does call her mom, though, who is hysterical and tries to get her to come home even though she is supposedly not at home, and Bella is surprised that she’s able to resist her mother’s pleas.  Why is she able to?  Because she’s obsessed with Edward.  Great.  At least she knows it’s stupid, but still, great.

She goes to bed early because Charlie caring about her is soooo annoyyyyyingg, and when she falls asleep, she dreams about Edward, and that’s the last line of the chapter so clearly the dream is supposed to be significant.  Excitement.

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You know, there’s really not much to say about these chapters.  With The Host, there was usually a bit I could add to the beginning and end of the recaps, but with these it’s just all whining all the time, so there’s nothing I can really add to that.  So…that’s that, then!

This chapter was a lot longer than I feel like it needed to be.  There was a lot of unnecessary filler, which is not at all surprising given my experience with Meyer, but it just dragged on so much, and then ended without having had a whole lot of substance at any point.  The first half is basically just Bella doing normal, everyday things, and then the second half is just plain weird, so I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth about this one.  It wasn’t horrible, but I certainly didn’t enjoy it as much as the first one, and that’s dampening my hopes for this being much better than The Host, in the end.

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So that we don’t get our hopes up about this chapter not being emo, the first line is “The next day was better…and worse“.  Yay.  It’s better because she gets to make a perfectly nice guy who has done nothing to her jealous, and that is satisfying for her, and because she gets to eat lunch with a whole bunch of people instead of alone.  Everything’s coming up Bella!

…Except that she’s tired, poor baby, and being tired leads her to make a fool of herself in a couple of classes, so that’s why the day is worse.  Well, part of why; the other part is that Edward isn’t in school.  You know, the guy that freaked her out entirely yesterday, and that she actually says in this chapter that she was dreading having to see; she’s supposedly upset that he’s not around.  Why, exactly?  I mean, she seems relieved he’s not there, and rightfully so, so why would him not being there make the day worse?  Is Meyer confused?  Cause I certainly am.

Blah blah blah, Bella’s a coward, unimportant things happen as she worries that Edward will show up, she feels better as Mike walks her to class and Edward isn’t showing up, she and Mike talk a little when they get to class and it becomes clear that he’s got a crush on her, so she’s going to have to let him down easy, and then Edward still isn’t there and Bella is relieved about that…except that she’s not.

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Wait, what?  She’s relieved he may not be there up until the point that she confirms that he’s not there, at which point she feels bad because she feels she’s the reason he’s not there?  Why would she care about that, when he scared her?  Why would that be bad enough for her to consider it something that made the day “worse”?  She only focuses on how egotistical it is to think that she could be the reason for him not being there, but she’s really got to look at why she’d feel guilty about that at all.  I don’t like the way Meyer writes these characters; this is not how young women should feel.  If someone makes you feel scared and uncomfortable when they’re around you, you should feel no guilt for getting them away from you, whether it happens intentionally or not, and for feeling good when they’re not there.  It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes, especially when you might be in danger otherwise.

The school day ends and Bella manages to avoid Mike, so she heads to her truck and gets her grocery money and shopping list ready, since apparently Charlie is incapable of cooking anything, so she’s going to take over.  How has he survived so long on his own if he can’t cook more than fried eggs and bacon?  How did he ever provide for her when she visited when she was younger?  And why does she continue to refer to him as ‘Charlie’ when they don’t seem to have had a bad relationship prior to this?  I thought most people called their father ‘dad’ (or something similar) unless their relationship was poor…

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Anyway, she heads to the grocery store, but Meyer takes an entire page to get her there.  Said page is filled with nothing but Bella watching the other people from Edward’s group get into their car, going on about their expensive clothes and how jealous she is that they have both looks and money, and then deciding that the reason their group is isolated from everyone else must be because they want to be, not because other people don’t want them around.  Her reason for believing that?  “I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.”  Seriously?!  Why does Meyer prize beauty above ALL else?  It’s a very unhealthy point of view to have!  Especially when you’re impressing it on young readers, most of whom are female!

Blah blah blah about doing the shopping; no one cares…and then she’s home, where she prepares a lovely dinner, changes, and then reads a bunch of emails from her mom.  Really, this is just riveting.  I’m so glad I’m reading this book.

In the emails, her mom exhibits her ‘scatterbrained’ tendencies and then panics when Bella doesn’t respond, and threatens to call her father if she doesn’t hear from her.  Bella writes her back telling her that everything’s great, that her dad bought her a truck and that she misses her, and that’s that.  See what I said about the first half of this chapter being mundane?

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To up the excitement, Bella starts reading, and then when her father gets home, she heads back down to continue making dinner.  We are treated to a random rant about her father having never shot his gun, which I think was just so Meyer could make the point that Bella is not suicidal enough to shoot herself, as though that’s necessary, and then Bella is sad that her dad remembers her mother’s experimental cooking, but it’s all good because Bella’s only made steak and potatoes this time.

The pair eat dinner and Bella tells her dad about the people she’s met at school, which leads to a brief description by Charlie about Mike and his family, followed by a much more involved one about the Cullen family.  Charlie is very defensive of them, because he’s got a lot of respect and appreciation for Dr. Cullen, and because none of the kids have ever caused any trouble.  He’s very upset that people talk negatively about the family, and his reaction surprises Bella, so she clarifies that she thought they all seemed nice, they just keep to themselves a lot.

For some reason, Bella also finds it pertinent to mention that they’re all very attractive, which makes Charlie laugh.  He tells her that Dr. Cullen is even more attractive – distractingly so – and then they both go silent until they’re done dinner.  Not sure why; that doesn’t seem like an awkward thing to say given her comment…but hey, whatever floats your boat.

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Bella washes the dishes while Charlie watches TV, which seems weird to me given she did all the cooking, but why am I surprised, when this is coming from Meyer?  After she’s done, she does some homework and then goes to bed, where she can finally sleep.  Huzzah!  One less thing to complain about!

The rest of the week goes by without much happening, though Edward still doesn’t return to school, which Bella finally allows herself to be relieved about, and while Meyer does try to explain what happened without describing every moment of each day (which is appreciated), she still goes on a bit long, given how unimportant the things she does bother to talk about seem to be.

The weekend passes with Charlie working and Bella cleaning the house, doing homework, writing emails to her mom and going to the library, which disappoints her just like everything else in Forks does, and then it’s Monday, and more unimportant stuff is happening.  I’m pretty sure this book has more filler than The Host at this point, and that is horrendously depressing.  Only 13 and a half pages left in this chapter…dear god, these recaps are seriously going to take forever, for very little content.  Ugggggh.

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On Monday, Bella is happily greeted by a bunch of people, and that, combined with an easy pop quiz, makes her feel more comfortable about living in Forks, which obviously surprises her.  After her first class, she and Mike walk outside to discover that it’s snowing, which everyone is excited about except for Bella, who thinks the snow has ruined her day.  Really?  It’s snow; what’s it going to do to you?  You spent all this time complaining about the rain, and snow will be quieter at night, so…what’s the problem?

But no, she has to complain about the snow because it’s “too cold for rain“, which for some reason she now would prefer, I guess, and because she doesn’t think it looks right, since it’s not coming down in big flakes like she’s seen on TV (since she’s from somewhere where it doesn’t snow, so she’s never seen snow in real life before).  Considering how new this is, shouldn’t she at least be a little bit interested/excited to see it, regardless of whether it’s exactly how she imagined it?  I hate that Meyer’s characters never seem to appreciate anything.

Someone (which Bella suspects to be Eric) throws a snowball at Mike, so Mike prepares to retaliate, while Bella takes off because she doesn’t like “people throwing wet stuff“, and then proceeds to complain about the snow even more.  At lunch she has to pass through a giant snowball fight, which is kind of surprising to me because I don’t really remember kids doing that when I was in high school…but anyway, Bella doesn’t get hit with any, so it’s all good.

Yay.

Yay.

When they get inside the cafeteria, Bella notices that Edward has returned to school, and has a bit of a panic attack.  Her friends are concerned for her because they don’t know what’s wrong, but she just tells them she feels sick, and then considers whether she should skip class and go to the nurse’s office instead.  She decides against it when she sees that Edward is not glaring at her, he’s not even paying attention to her, and he seems happy, as his group are all laughing.  She notes that Edward seems less pale, and that something else about him is different as well, but she can’t place what.

Jessica catches Bella looking at Edward, and just as she does, Edward catches her doing so as well.  She looks away quickly, but is pleased that when he did look at her, he didn’t look angry, just curious.  Jessica confirms that Edward doesn’t look angry and asks why Bella would think he would be, so she confesses that she doesn’t think Edward likes her.  Jessica informs her that the Cullens don’t like anybody, or notice them enough to care, but that Edward is still staring at her anyway.

Bella tells Jessica to stop looking at him, which she does, and then Mike shows up again with plans to have an ‘epic’ snowball fight after school, which Bella, of course, instantly decides she’ll have to hide to avoid being a part of.  Luckily for her, though, she won’t have to worry about that, because when they leave the cafeteria after lunch, they all discover that the snow is already gone, having been replaced by rain.

How convenient.

How convenient.

When she gets to class, Bella is pleased to see that Edward is not there yet.  He shows up only a few minutes later, though, and almost instantly greets her, which shocks her.  We are treated to a brief description of how unbelievably gorgeous he is, but of course, and then he introduces himself in an absurdly polite manner which indicates that he already knows who she is.

Bella is confused, wondering if she imagined his anger from the other day, and panics a bit knowing that she’s got to come up with something to say to him, so she asks him how he knows her name.  That leads to an awkward conversation that I can’t really understand the point of, in terms of the plot of the book, because all it points out is that Edward somehow knows to call her Bella right off the bat, whereas everyone else initially calls her Isabella and then has to be told she prefers Bella.  Who cares?

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As luck would have it, after their awkward exchange, Bella and Edward discover that they need to work as lab partners for the class, to identify the phases of mitosis using a microscope.  And this is where the chapter starts getting weird.  Considering how little actually happens here, Meyer takes a hell of a lot of time to get through this lab, I’m assuming just to show us how Bella and Edward interact together.  But as I said, it’s weird, and it’s awkward, and it’s like a battle for who’s the smartest when it’s clearly both of them, which just seems obnoxious to me.  Even the parts that are supposed to seem flirtatious just feel annoying.

All we really learn throughout this is that Bella is all googly eyed over how ‘beautiful’ Edward is, they’re both smart, like I said (and like we already knew about Bella), Edward has ice cold hands (I wonder why) and when he touches Bella, she feels an electric shock…and they’re both competitive show-offs.  I really feel like it did not need to take multiple pages to establish all that useless bullshit.

Still, they’re done their work long before anyone else is, so they’re left with more time for awkward interactions (yaaaay) and for Bella to describe how different Edward’s eyes seem from what they looked like the last time she saw him.  I know that’s probably supposed to actually be relevant in some way, but y’know, I just really don’t care to such a degree that I’m not even going to go into any details about it.  Like I said, there is so much stuff in this chapter that is either clearly filler or is probably supposed to be important but feels like filler anyway, that I just can’t be bothered.

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The teacher comes over to check their answers, which are of course all correct, and identifies that Bella was in advanced placement courses when she was in Phoenix, because she is just THAT smart.  The teacher seems unhappy about this for some reason and goes away, so Edward starts talking about how unfortunate it is that the snow is gone, which Bella obviously disagrees with.

Blah blah blah, it’s soooo difficult for her to live in Forks, and that’s fascinating to Edward for some reason, and then we finally get to know why Bella actually moved to Forks when she apparently hates it and everything about it so much.  She says it’s because her mother got remarried, and then oh my god it takes forever for Meyer to get to the reason why that would make her move, because she needs to go on uselessly about a bunch of other crap…and finally we get to that her mother’s new husband moves a lot, and Bella knew her mother was unhappy not being with him (because she was staying behind to be with Bella), so she left so that her mother could be happy.  Awwwww, how entirely self-sacrificing, just like Wanda!  Fuck.

I don’t know, I would be all for this if Meyer’s characters didn’t always go all ‘woe is me’ after doing something ‘nice’ for someone, but when they do, it just really takes away from the nice deed that they did, and makes it annoying.  It doesn’t seem like life in Forks has been bad to Bella at all; in fact, it’s been very good to her…so why is she still complaining about it?  She should be happy she did something for her mother that didn’t turn out so bad for her at all, and that’s that.  Enough whining.

Ahh, good vampires.

Ahh, good vampires.

Edward points out that Bella’s unhappy and says he doesn’t think that’s fair, so Bella says life isn’t fair (it’s not, but come on, you got a free fucking truck the first day, and a bunch of friends with no effort on your part the next; I think you’re doing fucking okay), and then Edward calls her on the fact that he thinks she’s putting on a show, but is really “suffering more than you let anyone see“.  Ugggggh.  I don’t feel bad for her, Meyer, and I’m not going to, so fuck off with this shit!

Edward presses Bella on the subject to find out if he’s right about his assumption, and she snaps at him, asking why it matters to him.  He says that’s a good question, and I think for one shining moment that that’s the end of this incredibly boring conversation, but then nope, he asks if he’s annoying her, and we’re right back into more pointless bullshit again.  Goddammit.

Bella is annoyed that her face is so easy to read, but Edward says he finds her hard to read, so she says he’s a good reader, and then the teacher calls the class’s attention to himself finally, but Bella just keeps thinking about how beautiful Edward is but how he’s pulling away from her again.

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Edward leaves quickly again when the class ends, so Mike shows up to talk to Bella as per usual, complaining about how hard the lab was.  Instead of being sympathetic, Bella decides to show off by saying she didn’t have any trouble with it, but then adds that she did it before, so as not to hurt his feelings.  As if she really cares.

They briefly discuss the fact that Edward seemed more friendly today, and then they head to gym class, where Bella continues to be distracted by thoughts of Edward, and Mike continues to be super sweet in looking out for her, despite that she doesn’t give a shit about him.

When gym is done, Bella heads out to her truck, and as she’s about to go, she notices Edward standing by his car, staring at her.  Creepy.  She almost hits a car in her distraction, then pulls out and leaves, noticing Edward laughing at her as she does so.  Smoooooth.

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And that’s it for this chapter, thank god.  It really did feel like that took forever to get through.  God, I hope the rest aren’t like this…my kingdom for less boring filler…

I know I said I wasn’t going to post the individual recaps I did for Twilight, but I decided that I would post one or two of them anyway, while I wait for Mike to catch up a little, just to show you how much this book is the same thing over and over, so you’ll understand why I’m doing a full summary recap instead of individuals for this one.  …And also because I’m bored of reading the book and feel like posting something before I fall asleep.  So here’s one of them; I may post one or two more, but that’ll likely be it before the full book recap.  Enjoy!  And remember that I wrote this expecting to continue doing the individual recaps.

These chapters are looooong, and that’s going to make this a difficult task.  Needless to say, I’m not really looking forward to how long it’s going to take to get through these recaps…but I do have to admit that I enjoyed this chapter a lot more than I expected to.  I’m not sure if that’s because it was actually good, because I do know that it was quite emo, or if it’s just because I’m coming to it after The Host, and I have to think that anything would be better than that…but either way, it was bearable, so yay for that.

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Meyer is as descriptive as ever as she starts this chapter, outlining what Bella is wearing, what the weather is like, and giving a general summary of what the place Bella is going to is like (so we can feel bad for her for having to go there, even though it’s made clear multiple times that it’s her decision to go), as her mother drives her to the airport.

We know from the get-go that Bella is pretty spoiled, as she mentions that she “put her foot down” about going to this super gloomy place (Forks) every year to see her dad, so her dad began to vacation with her in California for two weeks every year instead.  The extra spoiled bit is that she’s from Phoenix, so it’s not like he was just visiting, he actually had to take her to California every year, just because she said so.  So yeah, entitled teenager who decides to move to a place she apparently detests (and feels ‘great horror‘ about ‘exiling‘ herself to)…the emo will be strong with this one.

Bella’s mom reminds her that she doesn’t have to go, which makes Bella panic a little about how her “loving, erratic, hare-brained mother” will survive without her, and I must say, that’s some ego she’s got going on there.  Especially since her mother apparently has someone named Phil with her to take care of things anyway.  But maybe her mother actually has some sort of mental difficulty, and that’s what Bella’s referring to here…if so, though, I’m not sure why Bella would leave.  Why go somewhere you don’t want to go, when there’s somewhere you do want to be that is also where you should be?  I guess we’ll find out (maybe)!

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Bella lies (and we’re informed that she’s a bad liar, but she’s been telling the lie so frequently that it sounds almost convincing…Wanda, anyone?  This makes me wonder if Meyer is actually capable of writing more than one main character) and says she wants to go, so she and her mother say their goodbyes, with her mother reminding her that she can come home whenever she wants.  Then Bella gets on the plane and we get details of her entire path of travel from Phoenix to Forks before we get to learn a bit about her dad, Charlie.

Charlie is happy that Bella is coming to live with him (though confused as to why…at least I’m not the only one), but their relationship is awkward because they don’t talk much, and that’s actually all we get to know about him for now, so “a bit” was definitely accurate.  Oh wait, when she gets to where she meets him, after she’s done being uber emo about the weather, we learn that Charlie is a police chief, and that Bella is embarrassed of being driven around in his police cruiser (actually, she refuses to be), because she is soooooo coooool, so she wants to buy a car.  Yup.

Charlie greets “Bells” and asks about her mom, then they talk about a truck he apparently bought for her from someone related to some “painful, unnecessary” memories that she blocked from her childhood, that we’re going to get to know as little about as we are the reason why she’s moving there, of course, because that’s the way Meyer attempts to build dramatic tension.  Maybe at the end we’ll find out she used to be an alien.

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Blah blah blah, the truck is ridiculously old, Bella’s worried it won’t be in good shape and she won’t be able to afford to fix it, but Charlie says it runs well and he bought it for her as a gift because he wants her to be happy there, though that’s not gonna happen because even when she’s just been told she’s getting a free truck, she’s still thinking about how being happy there is impossible.  And then there’s this:

And I never looked a free truck in the mouth — or engine.”

Annnnd that’s how we know we’re really reading a book written by Meyer.  Good to know she’s at least consistently bad.  God, what a stupid line.

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Bella thanks her dad anyway, so at least she’s outwardly polite, and then they talk about the weather for a bit before going silent.  Meyer treats us to a description of how green everything is, including the air (not sure that’s a good thing), and though it’s beautiful, Bella has to complain about it, because that’s what Meyer’s characters do…so it’s too green.  It’s alien to her.  Haha, alien.  Oh god.

They get to Charlie’s place, which is briefly described, and there, Bella gets to see her new truck for the first time.  The description of it sounds kind of horrible, but apparently she loves it, so yay, no complaining!  She thanks her dad again, and then the beauty of the moment is ruined by the fact that she immediately jumps into complaining again about her “horrific day tomorrow“, with another shot at her dad’s police cruiser.  Yay.

Bella gets all her stuff into the house, we get a description of her bedroom, she tries not to dwell on the fact that she has to share a bathroom with her dad, god forbid, and then we get some positivity from her about Charlie, as she starts in on what she appreciates about him.  Oh, wait, what she appreciates about him is that he doesn’t “hover”, allowing her to “stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape“.  Great, so this really is going to be that kind of book.  I’m so excited.

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I mean, okay, I definitely ‘get’ depression; I’ve got it myself, and have had it for longer than I’d care to think about…but still, this seems a bit excessive to me.  It’s overwhelmingly emo and angsty, and it just comes off as annoying to me.  Then again, this is written for teenage girls, so they would probably identify pretty well with feeling that way…so fine, I’ll accept it.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Oh great, it gets better:

I wasn’t in the mood to go on a real crying jag.  I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.”

Why the hell did you move there if it’s going to cause you to hysterically cry every night?!  Can we have some answers here, please, instead of just emo, emo and more emo without any explanation??

At least I’m only on page 3 of this recap while I’m on page 6 of the book; that’s pretty much the opposite of what happened when I was recapping The Host, so let’s hope it’s a sign of things to come.  Happy thoughts!

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Bella informs us that Forks High School has only 358 students, herself included, whereas her previous school had more than 700 just in her year, and that worries her because here, everyone knows one another because they grew up together, so she will be the odd one out.  Awww, poor muffin.  Kidding; I know it can be hard.

She thinks her chances of fitting in will be even slimmer because she’s too pale to look like she could have come from where she did, and she’s horrible at sports, which is apparently really important for some reason.  But she sounds cute and awkward, so that works for me, and will surely work for someone else in the school, considering there are still over 350 people there.  And, y’know, considering the fact that I kind of already know she meets a guy.  We’ll just gloss over what kind of guy he is for now, but hey, she was obviously made for him.  Her skin defied her very surroundings to make her attractive to some guy in a place she moved to for some unknown reason despite hating it!  That’s gotta be fate.

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.

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Soo yeah, when she’s done unpacking, Bella goes to the bathroom to clean herself up and decides she looks unhealthy in Forks, because apparently it’s so horrible it even has the ability to change her physical appearance within hours.  She then begins to accept that her inability to fit in  – that has not yet been proven because she has not yet attended school – is not just because of how she looks, it’s because she doesn’t relate to people very well; not even her mother.  So basically, she’s a lonely, misunderstood little spoiled girl who puts herself in situations she hates and then bitches about them because she can.  And this is our main character, folks.  Greeeeeeat.  That’s gonna be awesome.

She thinks there might be some difference between the way she views the world and the way other people do, because she is that unique and misunderstood, but decides that doesn’t matter, all that matters is how absolutely miserable tomorrow is going to be, because self-fulfilling prophecies are a thing.

It seems Meyer decided not to use section breaks in this book the way she did in The Host, but that’s okay because at least she spaced it well enough that I could tell it was a break.  And it’s a legitimate one, too; not one of those ones that just carries on with the next line of the scene before it for some reason!  Ahh, we’re really moving up in the world with this one.  Proud of you, Meyer.  Or your editor.  Yeah, probably your editor; it seems you may have actually had one for this book.

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Anyway, after the extra spacing, Bella reveals that she didn’t sleep well even after she was done crying (-_-), because of the sound of rain hitting the window.  The poor thing didn’t get to sleep until after midnight!  How will she ever make it through the day on only 6-7 hours of sleep?!?  Oh, sweet Bella, I hope you have the strength to stand!

She gets claustrophobic about the sky, then has a quiet breakfast with her dad wherein he attempts to be nice and she, once again, is super negative about everything, before he leaves and she describes the kitchen and family room.  Fascinating stuff.  She runs through a bunch of pictures Charlie has around the house of her and her mom, feeling embarrassed by the ones of her and uncomfortable about the ones of her mom, because they’re apparently proof that her dad never got over her mom when she left him.  Awww, poor guy.  Legitimately; he seems nice so I feel bad for him.

Bella puts on her biohazard suit (apparently that’s what her jacket feels like; I guess she’s never worn one before or something?) to leave, since she just can’t bear to be in the house anymore because pictures are hard.  She locks up the house with a key hidden under the eaves (I guess she can’t be trusted with her own key), finds a couple of other new ways to bitch about the rain despite coming from a place that has monsoons, and gets into her truck.

We get a description of the inside of the truck, and then Bella heads out to find her new school, which she manages to do with relative ease.  She seems disappointed that the school doesn’t feel like a prison, because nothing is ever good enough, even when it should be, but she goes ahead with the plan anyway and parks by the front office to get directions.

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There’s a description of her walk to the office and then the office itself, blah blah blah, and finally she speaks to someone, introducing herself.  As would be expected of any main character that Meyer writes, Bella is exotic and famous, so everyone already knows who she is, so the woman she speaks to immediately jumps to get her school schedule and map ready for her.  They go over the paperwork, she gets a form for all her teachers to sign, then the woman wishes her well, and off she goes again.

She drives around and parks, happy that her crappy truck fits in with all the other crappy vehicles, then memorizes her map and psyches herself up for school.  Meyer tries to be clever by using the line “no one was going to bite me” as she does so, but it’s really not clever, it’s just lame.  We know it’s a vampire book, Meyer.  Please don’t try jokes like that again.

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She leaves the truck, happy to discover that amazingly enough, other people in the world wear black, and finds the building she’s supposed to go to.  There are more happy surprises in there, in the form of other people with pale skin and an assigned seat at the back of the class where no one can stare at her, even though they do anyway because she’s sooooo interesting.

She looks at the reading list for the class, solely to remind us how much better she is than everyone else because she’s already done all this stuff before, and eventually the class ends and Bella has to contend with someone who is clearly supposed to be unattractive talking to her.  Oh noes!   He offers to help her find her next class, which is apparently “over-helpful” because yet again, she’s can’t appreciate anything, annnd we find out that his name is Eric.  Will that be important?  Probably not, because he’s not attractive, so Meyer can’t possibly keep him around for long.

They head outside (and this begs the question: Are most schools in the States set up like this, with separate buildings you have to walk to between classes?  I’ve never seen a school that didn’t have at least most of the classes all in one building…), and Bella gets paranoid that people are trying to eavesdrop on her, because again she’s just that special, then Eric and Bella discuss how different Forks is from Phoenix.  Bella is relatively dismissive with him, only giving short answers, which is a pretty stupid thing to do if you want people to like you, but hey, whatever.

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She makes a sarcastic comment about being part albino when Eric comments on the fact that she’s not tanned, but because Eric doesn’t laugh, she decides that “clouds and a sense of humor” don’t mix.  What the hell?  Is that supposed to be another joke?  If so, you really suck at jokes, Meyer.

Eric walks her to the building where her next class is being held and wishes her luck, expressing interest in interacting with her further for some reason.  She, of course, responds in a relatively rude manner and heads inside, where she has to contend with embarrassingly introducing herself to one of her classes, and then getting through some other classes.  She meets several people throughout the day, and it sounds like they’re all nice to her, but she still doesn’t seem all that pleased to have had their help and kindness, considering she can’t even remember the name of one who sat next to her in two classes and had lunch with her.  Yep, I’m definitely going to love this character.

So yeah, Bella sits with said nameless girl and her friends at lunch (and don’t worry, she makes sure to forget the names of all the girl’s friends as well; that’s just how much she cares about anyone but herself), and it’s there that she catches sight of five people sitting at a table far away, who aren’t eating, talking or paying any attention to her.  Obviously she’s immediately drawn to them, because she’s ungrateful and antisocial, so the only people appealing to her are those who don’t appear to care about her existence.

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Blah blah blah, descriptions of the three guys and two girls, who are all very unique (except not really at all) and beautiful, and of course pale, because being pale is super important to Bella.  She says they don’t look alike, yet they’re all exactly alike, and that she can’t look away from them because they’re so “devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful“, even though they also look like they haven’t slept in a while because of the dark shadows under their eyes.  Hmm, I wonder who these people are.  Couldn’t be important characters, could they?  Of course they are; they’re gorgeous.  I know, I know, I already mentioned that, but it annoys me that Meyer has done this in both the books I’ve read so far that she’s written.  Normal and even unattractive people can be just as interesting as – if not more interesting than – beautiful people, Meyer!

Butttt yeah, these people are so gorgeous they look like they’ve been painted as angels, but they’re very wasteful, as Bella watches one of the girls throw out her tray of food even though she didn’t touch any of it.  If they don’t eat, they should really just not pick out any food.  Not cool, Meyer.  I don’t appreciate you wasting food, even if it is only in my imagination.

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Bella asks the girl she doesn’t care about at all who the group she’s ogling is, because she’s super considerate, and at that moment, one of the guys in the angelically gorgeous group looks to the girl Bella’s talking to, then Bella herself.  He looks away quickly, apparently not interested in the girls, just having heard his name because I assume he has super awesome hearing, so Bella looks away as well, causing the girl to giggle at her.  She tells Bella the names of the people in the group, which are Edward and Emmett Cullen and Rosalie and Jasper Hale, though I’m pretty sure the only name that’s going to matter much there is Edward.  She adds that the one who left was Alice Cullen, then explains that the entire group lives together with Dr. Cullen and his wife, whoever they are.  I’m only adding all this because I assume it’s supposed to be important.

Bella looks at what I’m guessing is Edward again, watching his movements carefully as she silently criticizes the names of the people in the group, which of course she will remember because they’re clearly more important than the names of the people who are actually interacting with her.  Oh wait, criticizing the names of the others helped her to remember the name of the girl talking to her!  It’s Jessica!  Yayyyy!  I still hate this.

Bella comments on how “nice looking” the group is, and Jessica agrees, but says they’re all “together”…except for Edward, of course.  Couldn’t be more obvious if you tried, Meyer.  Bella asks which are the Cullens, because she doesn’t think they look related, so Jessica explains that the Hales legitimately are related, but the Cullens aren’t, they’re adopted, and then gets a bit further into the whole adoption/fostering situation, and I just really don’t care, so I’m going to leave it at that.

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Jessica is apparently jealous of the group – or so Bella assumes, anyway – but that doesn’t stop Bella from asking where they’re from (Alaska, it seems; feels like an odd choice, but sure).  She is glad to hear that they’ve only been in town two years, because that means she’s not the only newcomer, which is kinda stupid because two years is a slightly long time….but she’s also sad for them for being outsiders that clearly aren’t accepted.   Odd thing for her to care about with the way she’s reacted to people trying to accept her so far today.

The one that I guessed was Edward looks at Bella again, this time continuing to stare at her after their eyes meet, even though Bella looks away instantly.  Bella asks which one he is, so Jessica confirms that he is, in fact, Edward, and then goes on about how gorgeous he is, but warns Bella that attempting to date him is pointless because he doesn’t date, because none of the girls in school are attractive enough for him.

Bella figures that Jessica is probably just sour because Edward turned her down at some point, which is amusing to her, and then eventually the group leaves without Edward looking Bella’s way again at any point.  Bella eventually leaves as well, heading to class with a girl named Angela who has the same class as she does but is too shy to talk to her, and it turns out that “shy” is exactly what Bella thinks she is, though her complete lack of interest in anyone else makes me question if that’s an accurate term.

When they get to class, Angela heads to her seat and Bella notices that there’s only one empty spot left in the classroom, which is right next to Edward.  Oooooh, scandalous!  Or something.  Bella passes by him to go meet her teacher, but when their eyes meet, Edward suddenly looks furious and hostile, which freaks Bella out.  She has to sit by him anyway, though, so sit by him she does, making sure not to make eye contact with him again.

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Edward leans away from Bella when she sits down, causing her to worry that she might smell bad, but no, of course she smells wonderful; just like strawberries.  She’s sooo perfect.  The class goes on with Bella keeping her head down and taking notes, though she does sneak glances at Edward from time to time, despite that his rigid, angry posture never changes.  She wonders what is wrong with Edward, and questions whether she was wrong about Jessica’s sourness toward him at lunch (thankfully), but knows his attitude can’t have anything to do with her, because he doesn’t know her.

She looks at him one more time before class ends and is met with a glare of revulsion, so she flinches away, but then the bell rings and Edward takes off immediately.  Bella stares after him when he leaves, feeling herself grow more and more angry about the situation and trying to hold back tears, until a guy named Mike introduces himself to her and offers her help finding her next class.

She turns down the help, but it ends up that they’re going to the same class anyway, so they walk to class together, Mike telling her all about himself along the way.  For a minute it seems that Mike is finally someone that Bella actually likes to talk to, but then he has to go ahead and ruin that by asking her what she did to Edward, adding that he’s never seen Edward act before the way he did while in class with Bella.

Bella plays dumb, pretending she didn’t notice Edward’s behaviour because she didn’t talk to him, so Mike takes that opportunity to tell her that if he’d been “lucky enough” to sit by her, he’d have talked to her.  Ooooh, Bella has an admirer. 😉  But his admiration isn’t enough to overcome her feelings of irritation at Edward’s behaviour, so she just smiles at Mike and heads into the locker room (they’re in gym class).

She gets a uniform from the teacher but doesn’t have to participate in class for some reason, so she just watches everyone play volleyball while internally bitching about having to take gym for two more years than she would have had to in Phoenix.  I get why that would suck, but again, why the hell did she move there if it’s “literally her personal hell on earth“?

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The day finally ends and Bella takes her paperwork to the office, where, of course, she finds Edward arguing with the receptionist.  She realizes he’s trying to transfer out of the Biology class he has with her, and is shocked, but thinks his desire to leave must be related to something else that happened that she wasn’t present for, because she can’t believe it could be about her.  Valid way of thinking; if it wasn’t already obvious why he’s acting this way, I’d think the same way Bella does.

Someone else walks in the office, and their disruption causes Edward to notice that Bella is there, so he turns and glares at her again with hate in his eyes, which scares Bella, aside from the fact that he’s “absurdly handsome“.  This is going to be another abusive relationship, like in The Host, isn’t it?

Edward gives up on his mission, thanks the receptionist for her help, and then leaves, so Bella takes her signed form up to the desk.  The receptionist asks her how her day went, so she lies and says it was fine, then takes off to her truck.  She sits in the truck for a while, seemingly trying to compose herself, then starts the truck and heads back to Charlie’s house, trying not to cry all the way.

And there we have the first chapter.  It’s so nice to have a 25 page chapter and only an 8 page recap; that definitely speaks to the difference in quality between this book and The Host…or at least the lack of attempted (and severely failed) science.  Here’s hoping things don’t get too much worse as the book goes on.

Unfortunately, the optimism was misplaced.

Unfortunately, the optimism was misplaced.

Moving On

Alright, so I’m now completely done with The Host, and would like never to think of it again if I can help it…though I’m sure I’m going to have to, considering the next project I’m tackling is the Twilight Series, which, of course, was also written by Stephenie Meyer.  As you can imagine, I’m very excited about this, because The Host has really made me feel confident about Meyer’s ability to write.

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God, I hope this venture doesn’t kill me.

Because Mike has fallen behind on his Host posts and therefore hasn’t finished yet, I’m going to start writing my recaps for Twilight, but I may not start posting them until he’s caught up a little.  I’m not sure if I will be posting anything in the meantime or not, as I have yet to come up with anything, but when I do start posting again, it will continue to be on Tuesdays and Thursdays, as before (with a Q&A post on Saturdays).  I may just end up giving up on any restraint and post my Twilight recaps anyway, but we shall see.  It’s a mystery!

Anyway, hope to see you back for Twilight, where Stephenie Meyer will once again attempt to prove that “love is the most important part of any story“, so you do not actually need to have any skill or talent in order to write a book, as long as the characters make out every so often!

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What was the point of this chapter?  I know it’s an epilogue, but I still feel like an epilogue should be worth reading if you’re going to bother to include it in a book, and this really wasn’t.  It was just a whole lotta nothing and then an extraordinarily stupid ending.  Even worse than the first one, if you can believe it!

It starts with Meyer once again using the “life and love went (goes) on” line, which was incredibly fucking annoying the first time, so you can imagine how I feel about it now that she’s used it in almost every chapter since…then explaining how things were not the same after Wanda decided to stay in Pet’s body, because she was no longer the same.

Before I get into that, though, I want to comment on one part of this first sentence.  “The last human outpost on planet Earth” is how Wanda describes the caves, but how the hell can she actually believe that they’re the last human outpost on the planet?? Does she think that every time the aliens were ever scared of humans, it was because of something they (the people in the caves) did?  I mean, I knew she had a big ego, but come on; this is just ridiculous.  They’re in one small area of a fucking desert; they have no idea how many other people could be hiding out just like them, in all corners of the world!  Earth is kind of a big place!

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Wanda reveals that this is the first time she’s been ‘reborn’ into a body of the same species as her last host, which is a little weird considering it seems like a lot of the aliens lived many lives as the same species, just in different bodies…but I guess that’s why Wanda is so ‘unique’, right?

She is not fond of the feeling of being in another human body, though, because she already had ideas in place about what it was like to be human from being in Melanie’s body, and being in Pet’s is different…as well as the fact that she doesn’t like some of the things she ‘inherited’ from Pet, like her mourning for Cloud Spinner and the pain she must be going through, and blah blah blah, no joy without equal pain; whatever.

The thing that upsets Wanda most, though, is that she’s also ‘inherited’ Pet’s body’s physical limitations, since she is so much smaller and weaker than Melanie was, and she’s unbearably shy, to boot.  As a result, people in the caves have started doing things for Wanda because they know she’s not strong enough to do them, and even when they’ve given her the easiest tasks, they’ve often either taken the work from her in the end anyway, or helped her with it because she needed the help because she would get tired too easily otherwise.

So, wow; Pet really must have some sort of medical abnormality that Meyer is just not readily addressing here, because there is no other good reason why she would be so much smaller in both height and features than someone else her age would be, and so much weaker.  Meyer may be trying to play off her weakness as related to her size, but no, that wouldn’t make her too weak to do easy tasks, which I would assume would be things like dishes and food preparation and whatnot.  There’s something really wrong here, but of course Meyer doesn’t care about that, because Wanda is pretty now and that’s clearly all that matters.

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Wanda goes on to say that people also treat her more gently than the others because of her looks, because as Jared had planned, no one is able to fear, mistrust or hate her despite that she’s an alien, because she’s so goddamn cute.  Ugggggh.  Yep, good lessons here; it doesn’t matter how dangerous someone could be, if they’re pretty, you should like them.  Ahh, but isn’t that just a perfect description of Wanda’s relationship with Ian?  He’s too ‘pretty’ to fear or despise, even when he’s abusive.  Oh, Meyer, go to hell.

Wanda says people often touch her, so much so that in some ways, she’s stopped noticing when it happens…which is fucking weird to me, and makes her seem even more like a child, making this all even more creepy than it already was.   Especially because, y’know, it’s STILL UNWANTED TOUCHING, and now it’s not just Ian that’s doing it.  It’s a running theme in this book; getting used to people doing things to you that make you uncomfortable, just because you want them to like you…

Buttt it’s all good, because all this fawning over Wanda means that she finally gets to play with Lucina’s children, which she only cared about that one time when Lacey got to and she didn’t, but Meyer wants us to think it’s important, so hey guys, pay attention.  Things are happening.

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Freedom, in particular, crawled onto my lap at every opportunity, burrowing his face in my hair.  Isaiah was too big for such displays of affection…

Wait a minute here; Isaiah, one of the children, is too mature to curl up on Wanda’s lap, but Jamie, who is fucking fourteen, does things like that all the time and it’s perfectly acceptable?  What the hell is wrong with this picture?  We know Isaiah is young because of the things she mentions him talking about with her, but somehow, Jamie acts like more of a child than him.  Yep, Meyer, you definitely knew what you were doing when you wrote these characters, didn’t you?

Wanda mentions that the kids still won’t go near Melanie, even though she’s human, because of how frightened their mother made them of her, and I have to think that Wanda probably feels pretty damn good about that.  It’s fucking stupid, though, because unless she’s a horrible parent, I would think Lucina would teach the kids not to go near aliens, not ‘people in Melanie’s body’, and Wanda is still an alien, and therefore still a threat.  But again, it’s okay because she’s cuter than Melanie, because of course she is.  Once again, fuck you.  Especially because the kids were fine being with Lacey as soon as she wasn’t an alien, despite that she remained an intolerable bitch.  This makes all of the sense.

She briefly adds that Maggie and Sharon still won’t look at her, but they’re not as ‘rigid’ in her presence…but then she quickly moves on, because hey, who really gives a fuck, right?

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She says the monsoons came late to the desert this year, because that’s just fucking convenient, but at least I was right about the fact that the monsoons would come…and then blah blah blah, descriptions of how things smell when they’re wet which are incredibly weird, a brief mention of the fact that Pet came from Seattle (so they went all the way there to get her, for some reason) and what the weather was like there as compared to in the desert, and how awesome the sky is.  Yay.  See how important it was to add this epilogue?

Extra conveniently, the fact that everyone needs to move to the game room during the monsoons gives them all the perfect opportunity to change their regular sleeping arrangements, because with so many people, they need to use all the room they have available responsibly.  Given this bunch, it seems unlikely that that will happen.

Apparently in the time between the last chapter and the epilogue, Mandy somehow remembered that her name was actually Candy (I have a friend with this name, yet something about it still bothers me; maybe that it’s most likely that Meyer only chose it because it’s both a name and a word that would very likely come up in conversation, so Candy could conveniently make the connection…oh wait, no, it’s because it’s the name of Meyer’s mother -_-), so now that that’s all sorted, she and Lacey can move in together, taking Wes’s old space because everyone else is too sad to.

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It is decided that when the rain ends, Jamie will move into Brandt and Aaron’s room so that Jared and Melanie can have their privacy to make some babies…oh wait, no, Jared and Melanie kicked Jamie out before Wanda was even brought back, so it wasn’t his decision, they just decided they had some celebrating to do, I guess.  He didn’t question anything, as weird as it must have been for him, he just moved into Ian’s room…but now that Wanda’s back, we know Ian’s going to want to sex her up as soon as humanly possible, so Jamie obviously has to GTFO.  So off to Brandt and Aaron’s he goes, because the two of them will obviously be single forever.

Of course, if Jamie can’t stay with Ian, neither can Kyle, so Kyle’s going to widen Walter’s sleeping space so that he and Sunny can stay there together (hardly seems fair; both Ian and Jared’s rooms sounded like they were big enough for more than one bed, yet they get the rooms to themselves and Kyle and Sunny only get a crevice they have to widen…see, they’re already failing at using the space they have responsibly), because Sunny never leaves Kyle’s side, and though he’s not given up on Jodi yet, he still treats Sunny as though he cares about her just the same.

Wanda says that before the rain began, she stayed with Doc in the hospital for some reason…and I was about to say I don’t know why she would when she could easily have gone with Ian and Jamie, since she did that before, buttttt then Meyer started to go on about how well Candy remembers Summer Song’s life (so the human brain does retain the alien’s memories somehow…still not going to say that makes sense, but at least it’s somewhat consistent), so the hospital is so much more interesting to be in because of all the wonderful things she can teach Doc, so her staying with Doc was just a convenient way for her to know about all that.

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After the rain, though, Doc won’t be sleeping in the hospital anymore, because while they were all in the games room hiding from the rain, Sharon randomly decided she wanted to sleep next to Doc, and didn’t even ask him if it was okay, she just did it.  Wanda thinks she only did so because she was jealous of how attractive Candy is, and that she realized that if she didn’t get Doc back, he’d go with Candy…even though Wanda thinks Doc doesn’t notice Candy’s looks because he’s too fascinated by her knowledge.

She (Wanda) considers that maybe Sharon is not jealous, she actually just wants to ‘forgive and forget’, but no, that’s not good enough; she was in the wrong here, she acted like a bitch, so she should damn well have to apologize and make amends before just waltzing back into Doc’s life.  Of course, Wanda doesn’t give a shit about that, and neither will Doc, because everyone here is okay with being treated like shit as long as the person who treats them poorly claims to love them, so fuck you all.

After all that talk, Wanda makes her big reveal: That she will not be sleeping in the hospital anymore either.  OMG SO SURPRISING!  No wait…we already knew that, because why the hell else would Jamie be moving out of Ian’s room?  Come on now, Meyer; this is sad, even for you.  Ian and Wanda are supposed to be in love, so we already knew they’d end up bunking together, even before you went on and fucking on about all this, but if you’d wanted to even try to keep us in suspense over whether or not it would happen, you shouldn’t have mentioned where Jamie was going before talking about anybody else.  I still cannot get over how poor the writing is in this book.  I know I should be used to it, but it’s just so much worse than I expected it would be when I started, and than I’ve seen most anywhere else.

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After said reveal, Wanda explains how it came to be that she and Ian officially decided to bunk up, and apparently it was allllll because of Jamie.  Poor Jamie, getting bounced around from room to room, and it being partially his fault that it happens…

Wanda goes on about how nervous she would get every time she thought of talking to Ian about sharing a room with him, because she was sooooo unsure if she imagined the moments she had with him after waking up, and didn’t know if he would even still love her since Melanie (“the body he’d fallen in love with“) was still around (seeee, I knew that would be a problem!  It would have to have at least been weird, trying to love someone in a totally different body than they were in before, and not love the person that is in that body now!).

She then goes on about putting her jealousy toward Melanie and the “echoes of love” she felt for Jared behind her, because Ian was “the right partner” for her, but that that wasn’t really all that successful, because she’d see Jared and feel confused and whatever.  She mentions that she saw Melanie touch Ian’s arm or hand at times, and then jerk away “as if she’d suddenly remembered who she was“, but that doesn’t make sense to me; whether she had Wanda’s memories or not, she knew them to be two very separate people when they were still both inside the same head, so there’s no way in hell she’d forget who she is and what Ian is to her now.   I would hope especially not after how Ian has acted, but I do accept that this book is so fucked up that even Melanie is never going to hold Ian accountable for his actions.

Wanda also says that sometimes Jared would look at her with a searching gaze, and that makes even less sense to me, because Jared never loved Wanda (at least I hope not, or this is ABSOLUTELY fucked up), so there’d be no reason for him to be searching for her in her new body.  He has Melanie, that’s what he wanted, so stop flattering yourself, Wanda, and accept that Jared does not love you and he never did.  Move on.  But preferably not to Ian, because he’s a douchebag.

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Wanda says that she and Ian were together nearly as much as Kyle and Sunny, but she knew it must have been confusing for him to get close to her in her new body, so she assumed that was why he didn’t invite her to come live in his room…but that just makes me think he’s actually not so sure he’s attracted to her new body, since her being in Melanie’s body was certainly fucking confusing, yet he took every goddamn opportunity he could find to get her into his room then.  I’m sure Meyer will give some fucking bullshit ‘romantic’ reason why he didn’t ask her when she was staying in the hospital, but I’d be willing to bet that’s the real reason.  And if it is, in a way I’m kind of glad, because maybe he isn’t a pedophile, and he just had to convince himself that Wanda is not a child just because of her body.

I put way more hope into this book than it could ever deserve, sometimes.

Further proof of my hypothesis, though, is that Wanda says that while they were together, Ian would touch her the way everyone else did, because of how cute she was, but that he wouldn’t kiss her.  So he would touch her platonically, but not romantically/sexually…so yeah, the physical attraction most likely was not there, so yay a little bit.  It made Wanda sad though, because it made her think he could never love her in her new body, and that weighed on her heavily as he took her cot to the game room, and then section break.  Wheee section break.  That means this book will be done soon, yes?!

Oh wait, there’s still like 7 goddamn pages left.  Well, fuck.

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…And I’m not sure why that section break was there, because Meyer ended the last section talking about Ian carrying Wanda’s cot into the games room because of the rain, and started after the section break talking about Jamie waving her over to where he put his mattress in the games room (next to Ian’s).  So…uh…great job, Meyer.  Useless again.

But wait, this section starts with Wanda saying it’s raining for the first time in more than six months…hasn’t she been there longer than six months?  That’s how I understood the things she said before about how much time had passed.  She made it sound like she’d been there for nigh on a year, at least.  So is she saying it rained before during her time there, and therefore she knew the answers to her questions about what they do when it’s raining, so it was pointless to ask them…or is she saying it rained at some point after she was put in Pet’s body, then more than six months passed before the subject was ever broached about her sharing a room with Ian?  This doesn’t make sense either way.  I can’t imagine Wanda holding out that long without figuring things out; she’s never been patient enough for that before.

Anyway, Wanda’s walking in with her cot, people are laughing and complaining, Sharon is with Doc and Wanda is happy about that because she doesn’t see how horrible they are for each other, for obvious reasons…Jamie calls her over, we find that he still treats her how he did before she was put into Pet’s body, aside from dealing with her strangely small body differently, blah blah blah.

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Jamie tells her that she shouldn’t sleep on her cot, and that they should all just push their mattresses together and sleep in one big bed (her, Ian and himself), because that’s a normal request for a 14 year old to make to his sister…and then he just goes ahead and starts making said big bed before even waiting for her answer, because why should Wanda ever consent to anything?  Especially anything weird?  That would be ludicrous.

He tells Ian that he’s going to move in with Brandt and Aaron (which we already knew), then says he’s tired and lays down to go to sleep, leaving Wanda and Ian to talk, I guess.  Wanda panics, thinking that Ian’s silence means he’s trying to find a way to get out of the situation, because he knows she knows what it means if he’s not sharing a room anymore…and then Jeb tells everyone it’s time to go to sleep, so the lights go out.

Ian reaches for Wanda’s hand, then gets down on the mattress and pulls her down with him so that she’s lying in the seam between the mattresses.  Uh, what?  Why would Meyer add this, if not to make it clear that Wanda is uncomfortable, like she always seems to be when things happen between her and Ian?  Why not let her lay on the actual mattress?  If you want us to be in support of their relationship, Meyer, you might not want to add subtle clues that it’s not a good relationship, like this one.  I do not at all understand why this would have been done in this situation.

Ian keeps holding her hand as they lay there, and asks Wanda if that’s okay.  She says it is, even though she must be uncomfortable lying in that crease, and then Jamie rolls over, accidentally knocking himself into Wanda.  He apologizes, but Wanda moves anyway, accidentally rolling into Ian because he’s closer than she thought he was.  Ahhh, clichés.

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Wanda tries to move away to give Ian his space, but he ‘suddenly’ wraps his arm around her instead, and pulls her against him.  Yaay.  Apparently, being held ‘non-platonically’ by Ian makes Wanda feel as euphoric as the No Pain did, though Meyer of course says that in the most dramatic way possible…and it also takes away Wanda’s shyness, allowing her to feel bold enough that she rolls to face Ian, causing him to tighten his arm around her.  Well, that’s not exactly how shyness works in the real world, most of the time, but sure, Meyer, why not?

Wanda asks him if it’s okay that she’s facing him (really?  Do you need permission for everything, when he needs permission for nothing?), so he kisses her forehead and tells her it’s “better than okay“, then they go quiet for a few minutes until he gets the balls to ask her if she wants to share his room with him.  Well, actually, no, he just tells her it’s “not right” that he has a room to himself now, and that he doesn’t want to be alone, trying to get her to say what he wants to say for him…but she doesn’t, she just keeps leading him to ask by agreeing with him.

Instead, he ends up asking if she’s had enough time to sort things out, because he knows it’s confusing for her with Jared, and I’m just going to say right now that this is fucking bullshit.  There’s no way in hell Ian was keeping his distance from her so she could sort things out about Jared, when before she was put in Pet’s body, he wouldn’t keep his fucking hands off her even though he knew she was in love with Jared.  Dear god, Meyer, how stupid do you think we are?  We’re not going to suddenly believe, after everything Ian has done, that he’s some wonderful, thoughtful, respectful person!  He has NEVER acted that way before; that is NOT the legitimate reason he acted the way he did now!   I gave you my thoughts on why he really kept his distance from her, and I’m holding to that, because I will NEVER, in ALL MY LIFE, believe that it was because he wanted to give her time to figure things out about her feelings for Jared.  FUCK THAT.

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But Wanda giggles when she realizes what he’s saying, because apparently Pet does that (of course she does, she’s small and cute, right?  She MUST have the stereotypical personality of someone that fits that description), and tells Ian that she was giving him time to sort things out, because she knew it was confusing for him with Melanie!  Oh, tehehe, isn’t that fucking hilarious; both of them were just sooooo respectful that neither of them was willing to say what they really wanted!  Isn’t that so fucking cute?

No.  No, it’s not.  It’s annoying.  Thanks for that, Meyer.

Ian is surprised and tells her that Melanie isn’t her, so he wasn’t confused, and she replies with a smile that Jared isn’t him.  Cheesy.  He responds that Jared is still Jared, and she loves him, which pleasantly surprises Wanda because she thinks he’s jealous again, but she tells him that Jared is her past, and he is her present.  Wow, even more cheesy.  This is actually kind of sickening.

Oh, but it gets worse, as Ian responds that he’s her future too, if she wants that, his voice “rough with emotion“.  Ugggggh, this book.  Fuck.  And Wanda responds “yes, please“, and I’m just so, so done.  This is really, really terrible writing.  You have not succeeded at writing a sappy scene from a romance movie, Meyer, you have failed yet again.  Congratulations.  This attempt is even worse than the last.

And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances, and I was thrilled to remember that I’d been smart enough to lie about my age.

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Ewwwwwwww.  Oh god, I so did not need to read that line.  Thanks for that image, Meyer; fuck.  I need to go scrub my brain now.

Blah blah blah, Wanda and Ian will be “partners in the truest sense” when the rains end (I assume that just means they’ll have sex, given that last line), and she feels a bunch of things about that that make her feel “human” (italics mean it’s important)…and then we have another section break.

Wait a minute, section break?  Why isn’t that the end of the book?  All of this was entirely unnecessary, because she could have just left it at Ian and Wanda being in love at the end of the last chapter; we didn’t need to tie up all the loose ends with Jared since this didn’t really actually tie them up anyway, it just went from Wanda still feeling things for him to saying she doesn’t at all cause he’s not Ian with nothing in between, which is the same thing that happened when she was in Melanie’s body…yet we went over all of it, and we’re still not done somehow.  What the fuck.

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So after the section break, she and Ian are more inseparable than ever (ugh), so he goes on a raid with her to “test her new face on the souls“.  She goes on again about how weak and useless she is, as if we didn’t already know that, and then whines about how frustrating it was that no one wanted her to go on a raid when Jared had picked her face just because the aliens would trust it.

Of course, she ends up getting what she wants, because she always does, so this was all more pointless annoyance, so I’m just going to skip over all the crap about considering Sunny and whatever the hell because I do not know why we need any of this stuff in the last few pages of the book.

Useless talk about dwindling supplies and who did and did not decide to go on the raid, they’re going north, Wanda’s new body is too excitable so she’s bouncing around when they get to where the van and moving truck are hidden and Ian is laughing at her and holding her hand while they load stuff into the van, which sounds pretty inconvenient.  Hard to move too much with only one hand.

Was I too loud?  Too oblivious to my surroundings?  No, of course that was not it.

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No, of course not, because that would imply that something was your fault, and we all know that nothing is ever your fault, because you’re the most perfectest thing ever in the universe.  Hate.

Beams of light shine into Jared and Melanie’s faces, but Wanda’s is obscured by Ian’s back, so there are no alien eyes to reflect in the light, and then Wanda sees a group of Seekers that outnumber them standing with guns pointed at them.

One is, of course, pointed at Ian, so Wanda goes all woe is me about why she “let” Ian come with her, and then gets super melodramatic in saying she doesn’t know why life and love go on when there’s no point, when nothing has even fucking happened yet.  God, this is annoying.  And once again, not romantic at all!

Her “fragile little heart” shatters as she tries to get her suicide pill, but then one of the Seekers tells them all to be calm and not to swallow anything.  So I guess others in her group must have gotten their pills out too?  Cause they apparently didn’t see Wanda, and she’s the only one that it’s mentioned pulled out a pill…

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The man shines his flashlight on his own face, so we get a description of him as though that’s going to matter with like 3 pages left, but the point is that he doesn’t have alien eyes, so they’re clearly not Seekers.  He tells them he won’t shoot them if they don’t shoot him, and all his guys put their weapons down, and then he explains that he found their cache and decided to wait there to “make their acquaintance“.  Odd tactic in a post-apocalyptic world; most people would just take the stuff and go…but of course, everything is wonderful in Meyer-verse, so we couldn’t have that, now could we?

The guy laughs at the surprise that must be showing on the faces of Wanda’s group, and then they all start talking amongst themselves until Jared asks who they are.  Blah blah blah, introductions we’re never going to need to have had, and then Wanda notices someone at the back who doesn’t get introduced, but he’s looking at her, so she looks away.

The man (Nate) shakes Jared’s hand, and Jared introduces himself and everyone else, though Ian tries to obscure Nate’s view of Wanda even more after she’s introduced, because she could be a threat for obvious reasons.

Nate is surprised by how many people Jared says live at the caves with them, because he’s never found a group so big before, and then Jared is surprised because that implies that Nate has found others before.  So yeah, as I said, there was no way in hell the people in the caves were the only human survivors.  It was a stupid thing to say, and this doesn’t make it better.

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Nate tells Jared about the other cells of humans he’s found, and how they trade and whatnot, and then starts into gossip about the blossoming relationships between camps, because this book wasn’t inane enough, before looking to the guy in the back that he didn’t introduce and deciding he might as well deal with him.

La la la, buildup and more buildup, I am so fucking bored, and then it is finally revealed that the guy that wasn’t introduced is named Burns, and he’s an alien who was Nate’s best friend when he was human, so he helps them all out, like Wanda does, so they don’t want anyone to kill him.

Burns points out that Wanda’s an alien too, and says it looks like he’s not the only one who’s “gone native“, and I must say, I find that to be a pretty offensive term to use here, but maybe that’s just me.  Wanda likes the term, of course, so she goes up to Burns, they shake hands and introduce themselves, he’s from the Fire World…fuck, I don’t care about any of this shit.

Burns is surprised that he’s not one of a kind, which Wanda thinks is funny since they also have Sunny, and then he says maybe there’s some hope for the world after all, and she says it’s a strange world, so he agrees, and that’s FINALLY the end of the book.

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And I really have no idea why we needed this epilogue at all, as I said.  None of this was useful or interesting information, and who gives a fuck that there are more groups of humans, and some that have aliens in them too?  We knew Wanda couldn’t be as unique as that, because of Jodi/Sunny, so was this really supposed to be some kind of great revelation?

Why did Meyer spend so much of this book going on and on about how special and different Wanda was, if she intended to introduce characters just like her near the end?  Is this supposed to make it seem like she fits in more now?  Because it’s really just very stupid, and seems to defeat the point of the entire character.

Also, if so many aliens do this, why hasn’t it become a bigger problem by now?  Why haven’t the humans been able to take over again?  Uggh I don’t want to think about this book anymore, so I’m not going to bother with that.

I’m done, finally, and that’s good enough for me.  There is a ‘bonus chapter’ in my book that’s written from Melanie’s perspective, which I will read, but I’m not going to recap it because I know Mike doesn’t have it in his ebook, and because fuck that, I’ve done enough with this book.

So on Thursday I’ll post the movie review, and then that will be it for The Host.  Thank god!

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(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

What??  Seriously?  This is seriously how this book ends?  Well, aside from the epilogue, anyway, but still, REALLY?   I mean, I knew it was going to be bad, don’t get me wrong, but…wow.  I am honestly almost speechless at the moment.  I don’t even know where to begin here.

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So this chapter has the same title as chapter 1, and almost the same first line, because Meyer is SO FUCKING CLEVER I CAN HARDLY STAND IT.   Surprise surprise, Wanda is waking up in a new body, same as she did at the beginning of the book, and having to go through that body’s final memories.  Because anyone actually believed she was just going to die at the end.  Come on, Meyer.

Blah blah blah, Wanda is surprised more than she’s ever been, both because she didn’t expect to have any memories since she was supposed to be dead, and because of the nature of the memories, which start out with an entirely pointless paragraph about ruffles and Flowers and how boring Earth flowers are but they smell omgsogood… yeah.  Shouldn’t have expected this to start any other way, I guess.  It wouldn’t make any sense if the book stopped being terrible now!

Continuing the memory, there’s a mention of Cloud Spinner, and the way that person is referred to, it sounds as though they would be ‘Wanda’s’ (since this is clearly not Wanda’s memory but we don’t know whose it is yet, just that it belongs to whoever’s body Wanda’s in) mother, and it sounds as if ‘Wanda’ is quite young.   She says she’s “almost grown“, so Cloud Spinner can’t mother her forever, and makes a comment about her mother following her and how she “doesn’t need a jacket” because it’s warm…and acts very much like a child in thinking “I won’t look at her.  Maybe she’ll think I can’t hear and she’ll go home“.

So…the body Wanda’s been put into sounds very much like that of a child, and a child young enough to still have her mother follow her around, at that.  Um…wow.  Really?  Wanda is supposed to be a love interest for Ian, who is older than Stryder is, and she’s being put into the body of a child?  Do we really need to add paedophilia to the list of horrible traits Ian has?

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‘Wanda’ is interrupted by someone speaking to her, so she turns to look, and doesn’t recognize the person before her.  Wanda (actual Wanda) realizes she does recognize the face, though; it’s ‘her’ face, meaning that the person talking to ‘Wanda’ is Melanie (I’m going to call her Melanie now that she’s got her own body back.  I don’t know why, but it just feels right), but Wanda is confused, because she doesn’t remember any of this happening.

Melanie introduces herself to ‘Wanda’ and tells her she’s new to town and thinks she’s lost, so ‘Wanda’ asks her where she was trying to go, and offers her a drive there (offering for her mother to do the driving, I assume).  Melanie turns down the drive, saying she was just going for a walk but got lost, so her destination can’t be far, and mentions the name of the street she’s attempting to find.

‘Wanda’ is excited to hear the street name because it means Melanie is a new neighbour, and she looooves new friends (yep, definitely a child), and tells Mel that the street she’s looking for is just around the second corner, but there’s a shortcut through an alley nearby that will take her straight there.

I choose to picture it like this.

I choose to picture it like this.

Melanie asks ‘Wanda’ if she can show her the shortcut (so if we hadn’t figured out already that she’s planning to kidnap ‘Wanda’, it’s now become super clear), and asks ‘Wanda’s’ name.  ‘Wanda’ agrees to show her the way, making me wonder how she has not yet noticed that Melanie is not an alien, and also why the ‘souls’ are so trusting that it makes it this easy to kidnap them (and if they are that trusting and don’t even notice when someone’s human, why the humans haven’t overtaken them yet – or better yet, how the humans ever lost to them in the first place), and tells Mel that her name is Petals Open to the Moon, but she goes by Pet.

…Pet.  I’m going to have to call Wanda ‘Pet’.  Why do I keep thinking this book has reached its peak in terms of stupidity?  There’s always something else.  Pet.  Fucking Pet.  Ugh.

Pet (seriously, that makes me shudder) asks Melanie where she’s from, and Mel asks if Pet means San Diego or the Singing World, so she’s somehow managed to convince Pet that she is an alien, despite that she would not have the eyes for it, because if Wanda doesn’t remember this, it was obviously done after she was removed.  So…what?  Why would Pet fall for that?  Is she that young, or is this going to be another case of Meyer thinking that people act differently at certain ages than they really do?  Cause she’d have to be like 2 or 3 not to notice…and even then, my 3 year old would…

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Pet tells Melanie that there are two Bats living on her street, so Melanie says she’ll have to say hello, but Pet can tell that Melanie has grown tense when she says it, and notices her glancing toward the alley, where “a man and a boy” are waiting, the boy looking nervous.  So…Pet is observant enough to notice a slight tensing of Melanie’s voice, and connect that to what’s made her feel tense, but isn’t observant enough to see that Mel’s a fucking human?  How???  THINGS ARE NOT THIS CONVENIENT IN THE REAL WORLD, MEYER!

Pet assumes that “the boy” looks nervous because he’s lost too, so she keeps going toward them with Melanie, at which point Wanda realizes that she recognizes the man and the boy as Jared and Jamie, which makes her heart thump…but it apparently does so ‘wrong’ because it feels too small.  Too small?  She really is a young child. I’m sorry, but I can’t get over how incredibly fucking wrong this is already.

Melanie introduces Jared and Jamie to Pet as her friends, so Pet says hello and reaches out to shake Jared’s hand, at which point he grabs her hand tightly and pulls her up against him, which (for good reason) scares her because she doesn’t understand what’s going on.  Did no one warn her about the danger of humans?  Did she really not notice that they’re all human, and think that might be a threat?  Can she not figure out what might be going on here??

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Jared covers Pet’s face and sprays some kind of mist at her, which I have to assume is Still since it supposedly tastes like raspberries, so they somehow got that since Wanda was removed…which makes no sense, unless I just forgot them getting it previously…but no, they couldn’t have, because Doc wouldn’t have used chloroform on Wanda when he put her under if he had Still on hand, so yeah, this is just another case of nothing really adding up that Meyer surely won’t bother to explain.

Pet passes out, and then that’s the end of the memory and we’re back to the present, with someone ‘familiar’ asking Wanda if she can hear them.  Wanda is confused by the fact that they’re referring to her as ‘Wanda’, but also doesn’t feel like Petals Open to the Moon is quite the right name for her either, so she starts to panic.  She pictures Pet’s mother and wonders where she is, then gets confused again because she realizes that Pet’s mother isn’t really her mother, before she hears another voice calling her back.

She says this voice sounds familiar but also not, because it sounds like her, and then she sets to trying to find Pet, but can only find Pet’s memories in the end.  This confuses me for reasons I’ll bring up later, because at this point in the chapter we technically don’t have enough information for me to be confused by it.

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Someone Wanda doesn’t recognize says to use the Awake on her, which is done, and then Wanda feels her mind clear.  At that point, she realizes that she’s lying down, but thinks it doesn’t feel right because it feels like she has shrunk.  She also realizes that someone is holding her hands, and starts to notice the smell of the place, then has to figure out how to open her eyes because apparently it takes actual effort for her to figure out how to move her eyelids for some reason.

Another familiar voice tells her to open her eyes, and the sound of the voice makes her get all tingly inside, which is nothing her body has ever felt before, so that’s clearly Ian speaking, because only the biggest douchebag in existence could make her feel like that.  She wants very badly to see the face that goes with Ian’s voice, and then the colour of his eyes fills her mind and she realizes that her name is, indeed, Wanda/Wanderer.

Someone lightly touches her face, lips and eyelids, so I’d say that’s Ian giving her little kisses that would be totally sweet if they were not from Ian, but from him I continue to just want to stab him…and the kisses on her eyelids help her find her eyelids, so she’s able to open them.  How did she find them when she woke up in Stryder’s body?  No one kissed or touched them then…

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Someone yells out excitedly when they notice she’s waking up, and Wanda realizes that it’s Jamie, which makes her heart jump.  When her eyes focus she sees blue, but not the right blue because it’s not Ian’s eyes (though I don’t know what it is), and then a hand touches her face and says her name, so she turns her head toward the voice (and the movement apparently doesn’t feel like it used to, but does feel the way it always felt.  I hate you, Meyer.  This shit is so fucking stupid) and sees the blue she wanted.

She asks Ian where she is, startling herself with the sound of her own voice, as it’s higher pitched than it was in Stryder’s body…because she’s a child.   She then asks who she is, and Ian tells her that she’s herself, and she’s right where she belongs.  She pulls her hand free of his, intending to touch her face with it, but then gets confused when she sees a hand moving in front of her for a while, because she’s a complete moron and cannot figure out that she’s getting freaked out by her own fucking hand waving in front of her face.  Dear god.

Pride-and-Prejudice

She studies the hand, which she describes as a child’s hand aside from its nails, which are perfectly manicured, and then notices the colour of her skin, which flashes her into a memory of Pet looking at herself in a mirror.

Blah  blah blah, she’s thrown off by the memories taking place in civilization because she’s not used to it, except that she is, random description of the room she’s in in the memory and the mirror she’s looking into, then a detailed description of how she looks, which I really could not possibly care less about because of course she’s going to be ohhhh so beautiful because Meyer would not let her be average, and definitely not ugly, especially not with Melanie supposedly being so pretty…but no matter what, she’s described as looking very childlike.  She definitely has to be very young to have such small features as Meyer describes here.

Wanda demands to know where Pet is, because she sees Pet as being soooo defenseless and innocent, and Doc tells her that she’s tanked and ready to go, just waiting for Wanda to tell them the best place to send her.  He shows her the tank, and seeing him brings back a rush of old memories for Wanda.  She starts to yell at him, calling him by his real name, asking him why he broke his oath to her, and the misery she feels is apparently new to the body.

Doc tells her that “even an honest man sometimes caves to duress“, which causes someone to scoff, so Doc responds to the scoff by saying that he thinks a knife to the throat counts as duress; a comment he directs to Jared.  Jared says Doc knew he wouldn’t use it, but Doc says he actually didn’t; that Jared was very persuasive.

Imaginary-knife-throat

Why would Jared have done this?  How did he know Wanda was going to have Doc kill her?  Doc wouldn’t need a knife to the throat to just remove her and put her in a cryotank, which is clearly exactly what he did since they didn’t have Pet’s body then, and that’s all Jared knew was going to happen (and what he wanted to happen)…so why would he ever have threatened Doc?   Did he manage to get Doc to tell him he was going to kill her or something?  Tune in next time to get absolutely no answer to any of these questions because for Meyer, that would simply involve too much brainwork!

Wanda trembles at the thought of a knife, so Ian tells her it’s okay and asks if she really thought she could just leave the way she tried to, then sighs joyfully (creepy).  Wanda feels better knowing that Ian is happy, but still comments that she told him she didn’t want to be a parasite, before being interrupted by Melanie demanding to be let through to see Wanda (with, of course, a description of how Melanie looks, in case we forgot).

Melanie tells Wanda that they know exactly what she doesn’t want to be, but they’re human, so they’re selfish and they don’t always do the right thing, and she might as well deal with it.  Thanks, Mel.  You’re truly a credit to the human race.

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Wanda is excited to see that Melanie is okay, so Melanie smiles and gives her a hug.  She says of course she’s okay, and Wanda will be okay too, then reassures her that they didn’t just “grab the first body they saw“.  Jamie butts in then, saying he wants to tell Wanda the story, and when she sees him, Wanda grabs his hand and says his name excitedly.

Jamie talks like a kid again about how ‘cool‘ it is that Wanda is smaller than him now, to which she responds that she’s still older because her birthday is in two weeks, stopping herself from saying the truth, which is that she’s only sixteen, about to be seventeen (she tells them she’ll be eighteen on her birthday).  She doesn’t want to say her real age because she doesn’t want to go through what Melanie did with Jared in terms of convincing him she’s old enough for him, because “Ian was every bit as honourable as Jared“.

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What?!?  How is Ian anywhere close to as honourable as Jared?? He backstabs and abuses anyone who doesn’t do exactly what he wants all the time, he is the only one who’s significantly physically hurt her on any occasion aside from Kyle, he would not let up on touching and kissing her even when she directly TOLD him to stop, he didn’t give a shit that he was doing inappropriate things with Jared’s girlfriend, and even seemed to think he was more justified than Jared in his feelings, he took away Wanda’s power to make her own decisions entirely, etc. etc. etc.!

He would definitely sleep with her, even if she was too young, because he’s FUCKING CREEPY AND HORRIBLE, and he’d tell himself and her that it was okay to do that because she, the alien, is not as young as her body is.  HE IS IN NO WAY HONOURABLE, AND TO EVEN COMPARE HIM TO JARED IS A HUGE OFFENSE!

Does Meyer actually believe this statement to be true?? I can’t see why she’d put it in otherwise!  It scares the shit out of me to think that ANYONE in the world could see Ian as an honourable person, and to know that Meyer is enforcing to young girls that that kind of behaviour is honourable!  That is atrocious!

horrible

Wanda notices that Melanie and Ian both react to the mention of her age with surprise, because her body looks so much younger than eighteen, so…what is the deal with Pet’s body?  Why is it so small?  By the age of 16, which she technically is (and definitely by 17), most females have grown to their full adult height, and their facial features have developed into a much closer approximation of what their adult features will be than Meyer described here…so does Pet’s body have some kind of disorder?

Even if it does, though, why would she act so childlike if she was actually in her late teens?  This really must be another case of Meyer not knowing how individuals act at certain ages, because she acts even younger than Jamie does, when Jamie is both younger than her and was written too young even before considering that.

And why would Pet’s mother have been following her around? From what Wanda said, when a soul is put into a child’s body (and as we know, this one isn’t even young enough to be a child), the child does not act like a normal human child, it acts like a grown human in a small body.  That’s how she was able to tell that the baby in the park was human; because it was acting like a baby, not an adult…so Pet would never have acted as immaturely as she did here, and her mother wouldn’t follow her around, because even if she wasn’t legitimately almost of adult age, she would still be considered to be grown enough that she wouldn’t need her mother watching her constantly.  Especially since even human mothers don’t follow their 16/17 year olds around, for the most part, because they can take care of themselves well enough by that age, and humans are supposedly less trusting than aliens are.  I can’t make any sense of this.

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Wanda realizes that the fact that she lied about her age in order to make sure she wouldn’t encounter any frustration in trying to get Ian to bone her means that she has “claimed” him as her partner, which means that she will be staying on Earth with her ‘family’.  She starts to get choked up about that, but then Jamie pats her face (O.o what the fuck?  I’ve had that done to me; it’s the most annoying thing ever, and it’s usually only done by YOUNG children) to get her attention.

He tells her that Jared and Melanie let him come with them on the raid to get her body, which she says she knew because Pet remembered it, then glares at Melanie (I assume for tricking Pet the way she did).  Jamie goes on to explain that they tried not to scare Pet because she looked so fragile and nice, and then describes how they picked her out.

He says Melanie thought they should get someone who was young so they would have a bigger percentage of their life spent as a soul, but not too young, because Wanda wouldn’t have wanted to be a child.  So why go with this one if Melanie herself was surprised to find that Pet was as old as she is?  Obviously, Melanie thought that Pet was younger, so did she intentionally pick one out that she thought might be too young, to dissuade Wanda from Ian or Ian from Wanda?  I hope so, but I also think that’s a bit too much to hope for…

giphy (1)

He goes on to say that Jared picked Pet’s face because no one could distrust it since she doesn’t look even slightly dangerous, so they’d be more apt to try to protect her (I thought the aliens did that anyway?  Are they talking about getting humans to protect her?  Cause either way, she’s still an alien…), and then he (Jamie) got the final say in who was picked, because he wanted to pick someone who looked like her (meaning her personality, I assume; making the face match the disposition).

“‘And I thought this looked like you.  Because she sort of looks like an angel, and you’re good like that.  And real pretty.  I knew you would be pretty.’

Yeah, of course she’d be pretty; there’s no room for anything other than prettiness in Meyer’s world, as I mentioned before…but an angel?  Really?  Damn, Jamie, she’s got you fooled; spend 5 minutes inside her head and you’ll see that she’s far from an angel, and a pretty face would not actually match her personality all that well.  This is disgusting to me.

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Jamie says that Ian didn’t come with them because he didn’t care what she looked like, so he just stayed with Wanda’s cryotank.  Apparently, Ian wouldn’t let anyone else touch the tank, so Jamie wasn’t allowed to help with the removal procedure, but he was allowed to watch it.  I can see Ian guarding Wanda’s tank like it would save his life, but I can’t see him not caring what she looks like, given the stuff she asked him before about what would happen if she was in a different body.  He would care what she looked like, because he’s not oh so wonderful and only attracted to her personality, as Meyer would like us to believe he is.

On that topic, shouldn’t it be pretty uncomfortable for Wanda to know that Ian has been attracted to Melanie’s body, and that he may still be, if he finds it more his ‘type’ or just generally more attractive than Pet’s body (which I kind of hope he does, because otherwise he IS a paedophile)?  She’s been pretty damn jealous before, so I can’t see how that wouldn’t cross her mind at some point.  She also knows he’s touched and kissed Mel’s body, and I’d have to think that would be weird/uncomfortable/upsetting too, but of course Meyer won’t get into that because it would be inconvenient.  It wouldn’t fit her storyline where everything is great and everyone loves each other.

Ian squeezes Wanda’s hand and tells her that he held her in his hand and she was so beautiful, and that line just sends a shudder right through me.  I get what he’s saying, and yes it is the truth of the situation, but it sounds like something a creepy stalker would whisper to their victim, or like we’re about to launch into some kind of horror movie.  The fact that I’m supposed to find that line romantic, beautiful and touching is even more disturbing.

Yep, disturbing like this.  Very much like this.

Yep, disturbing like this. Very much like this.

Wanda gets teary-eyed over it, though, and then Jamie asks her if she likes the body, and if there’s anyone in there with her.  She says she can’t find anybody else, just Pet’s memories, because Pet’s been in there so long that she can’t remember any other name for the body, or a time that Pet wasn’t in it.

But…wait, how does she have Pet’s memories?  Did Pet’s memories transfer to the human brain?  I mean, I knew the human brain and the alien one could communicate, but does this mean Melanie still has all of Wanda’s memories of her past lives before she was a human?  How does that make sense?  At the beginning of the book there was discussion of Wanda pretty much ‘uploading’ Melanie’s memories, but does it go the other way as well?  That’s the only way I could see the human body retaining the alien’s memories after the alien was removed.

Pet is still alive, with her own brain and memories, in the cryotank, and Wanda took her memories with her into every other body she went to, so Pet obviously would have taken hers with her too…so if Pet’s body has no memories from before Pet, shouldn’t it just have no memories?  Why can Wanda access another alien’s memories?  I dunno, I’m just going to assume Pet loaded them into the human brain or something, cause otherwise there is zero sense to be made of this.

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Melanie pipes up and tells Wanda that she’s not a parasite because though the body didn’t belong to Pet, there was also no one else to ‘claim’ it.  She says they waited to make sure, which means they kept the human body alive without an alien in it almost as long as they did with Jodi, waiting to see if the human would wake up.

This comment makes Wanda question what happened to Jodi, and she feels so anxious she decides she has to sit up, so Ian helps her do so.  From her new position, she can see everyone that’s in the room, which is Doc, Jeb, Mandy, Jamie, Melanie, Jared…and then we get stuck on Jared, who has his arms around Mel’s waist, which Wanda decides is the only way it would ever feel right to see him; touching her and not wanting anything to ever come between them.

She realizes seeing him like that with Melanie still causes her pain and heartbreak, and she’s upset because that means she still loves Jared, even though she barely seemed to give a shit about him before she left Mel’s body, because she was so distracted by Ian.

Why do we have to see Wanda’s jealousy of Melanie and Jared’s relationship instead of the happy reunion that must have taken place between the two of them when Melanie woke up a human again?  That would have made a much better scene, and a story between them would have made a much better book, but instead we’re stuck with this crap, supposed to believe Wanda loves Jared when she spends most of her time fawning over an abusive fuckwad.

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Annnd then we get to know who the rest of the people in the room are, but I’ve completely lost interest in that, so moving on.  Doc says Jodi never did respond, though they tried as long as they could, and Wanda begins to get upset, thinking that Jodi must have died.  She keeps looking around the room at the people there, as Doc describes how they kept the body alive through hydration, but they had no way to feed her so they were worried about atrophy…and then ohhh my god it’s a miracle; Wanda sees Sunny (in Jodi’s body) standing next to Kyle, so everyone gets a happy ending.  Realistic book is realistic.  And it wasn’t rude at all to completely avoid eye contact with Doc while he was talking about something potentially serious.

Wanda calls out to Sunny, who comments on how she got to stay like Wanda did, and then sadly says she’s still trying to find Jodi, and she’ll keep looking.  Doc explains that Kyle asked them to put Sunny back in when it got to the point where they thought they might lose Jodi, and again, I have to ask:  How the hell did they know how to perform an insertion?  Did Mandy show them?

…Oh, I see what Meyer did here.  She had Mandy show Doc how to do an insertion on Jodi’s body to put Sunny in, because otherwise Jodi would have died, so Mandy would be willing to insert an alien to keep her alive…which would mean that Doc would know how to do an insertion, so he could perform one on Pet’s body to put Wanda in, which Mandy might have been less okay with, since they did abduct Pet to use as a host and all.  So she made it necessary that Doc do one so she could justify one being done on Wanda.  Convenient.  I hate it.

Violet-ahs-hate

Wanda stares at Sunny and Kyle for a minute, then continues looking around the room, which makes Ian a bit nervous, so he asks if she’s okay.  She responds that she doesn’t know and that she feels weirder than she expected to, like she does when she switches species, but then she looks into Ian’s eyes and feels all lovey dovey, which makes everything okay.

Ian asks if she thinks she can tolerate staying on Earth, then Jamie squeezes her hand and Melanie and Jared put their hands on top of his, and other people touch her and smile at her.  Reassurance, I guess?

Wanda wonders how much No Pain Doc gave her, because everything’s glowing, and I know this is supposed to be like…she’s glowing from happiness or some shit, but given how much medication Doc supposedly gave to the gunshot victims, he probably did give her way too much.  And I have no idea why that’s so amusing to me.

Ian brushes Wanda’s hair away and touches her cheek, which causes a jolt of electricity to go through her skin.  I had no idea Ian had lightning powers!  That’s so cool!  Y’know, if Ian is actually a supervillain, I may be able to forgive all the ways he’s been an abusive asshole up to this point, cause that’s kinda how supervillains are supposed to be.  If only he could use his lightning powers for good instead of evil!  He should just zap all the aliens to death!

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…Yeah, I’m clearly losing it, thanks to this book.  Sorry about that.

Wanda starts to blush at Ian’s touch, feeling her heart begin to fly (ugh), and finds herself feeling shy, which is new, so it must be a trait the body had or something.  She says she supposes she could stay if it will make Ian happy, but Ian says that’s not good enough; it has to make her happy too.  Umm…since when do you care if she’s happy?  And since when does she actually get a choice in this sort of thing?

Remember, Ian, you’re the one who forced her into a tribunal because you decided she couldn’t make decisions for herself; what is she supposed to do here?  If it doesn’t make her happy to stay, are you going to actually let her go?  I highly doubt it!  Meyer, come on, we’re not falling for it; Ian will never be a nice, caring, considerate guy.  He doesn’t give a fuck if she’s happy or not.  Stop pretending he does.

Wanda looks at him for a second, but then gets too shy again and looks away, saying she thinks it might make her “very, very” happy.  She runs over a list of different emotions in her mind, thinking how she’ll get to feel all of them, and then Ian pulls her face up to his so she’s looking into his eyes again, and says, “Then you will stay.”  And Ian has decreed it, so it shall be, right?

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Ian kisses Wanda, neither of them caring about the audience they have, and Wanda is pleased with how easy and ‘right’ it feels, because there’s no other person in her head dividing her from him.  She tells him she’ll stay, and the chapter ends with her remarking on how this begins her tenth life.

See?  It was supposed to be impactful, and the end was supposed to feel like one of those climactic, romantic scenes from movies where everyone cries tears of joy because the characters they wanted to get together got together, and they said all the right scripted lines, and whatever the hell…but that’s not what this feels like.  Not at all.

The end feels cheesy, contrived and clichéd, because it is, and these are not characters I wanted to see get together, because Ian is abusive, creepy and horrible, as previously outlined, so I do NOT approve of their little love scene!  I’m not happy for them!  I might have been happy for Wanda if she had been sent off planet, never to return, as long as she learned to be less of a bitch in her next life…but with regards to Ian, I’d only be happy if he died!

I don’t know why Ian still hasn’t had to deal with any repercussions for what he did, and why no one is concerned about deliberately setting Wanda up to be with him!  He could be dangerous.

Breaking-Bad

God, I hated this chapter.  There was literally nothing about it I liked, and so much I hated.  What a fucking terrible ending.  I know there’s an epilogue, but this is technically the last chapter, so…ugh.  Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to the epilogue, because I can’t imagine it’s any better than this piece of shit.

At least, though, the next chapter will be my last…then it’s the movie review, and I’m finally done.  Thank god for that.  I need to figure out what to do with this book after I’m done…any suggestions?

See you next time.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

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