Tag Archive: guilt


Q&A: Presidential Qualities

The one hundred-eleventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Which of your own qualities do you most want in a president?”

Again, no president, so we’re going to have to go with Prime Minister on this one…which of my qualities would I most want in one? Um…that’s a hard question. I’m not sure I have any qualities I would want a prime minister to have…maybe my excessive guilt issue, so they would do right by people? 😛 I guess, maybe, my desire to help people, so they would genuinely want to do better for the people of Canada…but other than that, I’m not sure. I don’t have a lot of qualities that would be good in a politician 😛 Mike does, though!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When do you find yourself most politically incorrect?”)

Q&A: Painful

The ninety-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”

If it wasn’t already quite obvious, through what I’ve posted before, I’ve been through a lot of shit when it comes to relationships. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been raped, I’ve been abused in more ways than one…it’s good times. But honestly, the most painful thing a lover has ever done to me is not something on that list. The most painful thing was being used…and not just used, but thrown away after, like I was never worth anything the entire time.

I’ve talked about it before, but my ex-boyfriend left me the day before my birthday, because I had the gall to stick up for my 4 year old son when my ex said “bite me” to him. That day, and the weeks that followed it, were the most painful time of my life, not so much because of the loss of him, but because of what it meant. He threw me away not because of what I said, but because I was no longer of any use to him.

See, when I met him, he guilted and pressured me into sex too early, and that should have been my first warning sign of what was to come. I should have seen, then, the path we were going down, because I made it very clear to him in our first conversations that I wasn’t comfortable talking about (and definitely wasn’t comfortable performing) sex early on, and I needed to be with someone who could understand and respect that, and get to know and love me for me before anything sexual happened. He told me he could do that, but followed it up with comments about how he’d been with his ex for two years and never had sex with her the entire time because she was scared of it, and he “hoped” he wouldn’t “have to do that again”.

Much later, I found out that that wasn’t even true; that they had had sex and done other sexual things during their relationship, and that during that time he had also had sex with a friend of his (who he was strictly using for sex, since he knew she was in love with him but he wouldn’t be with her romantically – another red flag I should have given more weight to), but even if that wasn’t the case, he still immediately disrespected what I told and asked of him, by not only guilting me about that right out the gate, but attempting to initiate sex on our second date. Looking back, I’m not sure why I ever saw him again after that since it upset me so much afterwards…but what’s done is done.

After that, he very quickly went from ‘guy who loves his job, has a car and is moving out to his own place soon’ to ‘guy who hates his job and wants desperately to do something else, but can’t because he has too much school debt from taking courses his mother wanted him to take, because she told him he would never be good enough to do what he really wanted…has a car that is falling apart and needs major repairs, and is moving out to a place he can’t afford whatsoever’. But I was too wrapped up in him by that point to see how terrible that was going to be for me, so instead of ending things, I tried to do everything I could to ‘save’ him. I tried to help him get a different job; one that had more hours, better pay and could provide some consistency to his life…I bought him food when he didn’t have enough for even a loaf of bread, I paid his rent, I paid for his car repairs, and after a few months, I let him move in with me, because he was drowning in all the things he couldn’t afford, and it was more financially reasonable for me to just let him live with me than to pay two rents. So he moved in with me and my son’s father.

From there, my son’s father moved out (we had agreed to live together for the first year of my son’s life, then part ways), and I gave him the money and help he needed so he could go to school for what he said he’d always wanted to study. When he was in school, he couldn’t work much (and the second year, did not work at all), so I had to support all of us, which led to me working ridiculous hours, almost every day of the week, to afford to pay for everything. Throughout that time, I also tried to help him with the relationships he had with people in his life, primarily his mother, and tried to give him the emotional support and love he needed to get through, which he claimed he wasn’t getting from anyone else.

When he was done school, he had a hard time finding a job, so again, I supported us. When he finally got one, I thought things were going to get better…but instead, he wound up hating that job, and his hatred combined with the health issues he had developed over the course of our years together, led to me spending all my free time trying to find ways to make things better and easier for him.

After a while, he managed to get another job that he liked much better, and that paid well enough for him to support himself. I got him a 3D printer for his birthday, so he was able to make all of the little creations he’d always dreamed of, and he was ecstatic about that. Things really seemed like they were starting to get better, and I thought maybe, just maybe, we might be okay. His health was still bad, but we were managing it, and everything else was coming together.

And then that fight happened, and it was all over. He just left. Looking back now, it’s no surprise; he didn’t need me anymore, so at the first opportunity to get out, he did. He has since spent his time telling others that I forced him into doing what he did in school (because in the end, he was laid off from his job a few months after he left me, and couldn’t find other work in the field) and that his true passion was the same thing he told me his mother had forced him to do. He’s also told people I abused him, and that I put him in the bad position he ended up in, by taking money from him that wasn’t fair to take (which was actually just money that he owed me, and wasn’t even a third of what he really would have owed me had I charged him for everything I paid out in our time together). God knows what else he’s said, but after everything I did and went through for him, I am, of course, the bad guy. And I know now that he will never see it any other way, as I have been informed that he’s just continued in a similar pattern with the girl he’s with now.

So, that was the most painful thing a lover ever did to me. Used me, then left me like I was worth nothing, and in the most painful way possible, because I was no longer of any use to him…and then continued the pattern with the next girl. 3 years of my life spent trying to help someone and make them happy, and it turned out he never actually wanted me, all along.

But that’s what I’m best at, I guess. I am nothing if not useful, at least for a little while. And I am, above all things, extraordinarily disposable. I’m pretty sure that part will always be true.

Sorry for the lack of gifs in this post…it just didn’t seem fitting. That’s all for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who most deserves your love?”)

Q&A: Forgiveness

The twenty-eighth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the one thing you’d most like to be forgiven for?”

Before I answer this question, there’s one thing you should know about me:  I have a huge guilt problem.  I feel guilty about everything, especially if I shouldn’t, and I can’t get over that guilt until I’m able to make up for the wrong I feel was done somehow.  The problem is, I feel guilty for things that are entirely out of my control, and that I know it’s kind of ridiculous for me to try to do anything about, not just the things that I should feel guilty for.

For example, many years ago I took a trip to Toronto with my mom and sister for a few days, and each of us came up with one ‘big thing’ we wanted to do before we left the city.  My sister’s was done the first day, mine the next, and the last day before leaving was supposed to be my mom’s turn, because it was the only day that the activity she wanted to do was available.  Unfortunately, her activity involved a helicopter, and on the day it was supposed to happen, a huge hailstorm rolled in completely out of nowhere, so we were obviously unable to go.  My mother was disappointed, but of course she didn’t blame me or my sister, because there was nothing we could have done about it…but I felt so guilty that she didn’t get to do the one thing she’d wanted to do that I still, to this day, get a feeling of heartbreak every time I think of it, and feel sick at the knowledge that she hasn’t been able to do it yet.  I have vowed to myself to one day take her to Toronto to take that helicopter trip, even though she may not even want to anymore, and she certainly wouldn’t want me to be paying for it.  It’s just the only way I can ever imagine assuaging my guilt, despite that I know that the change in weather was not my fault.

So, yeah, that’s a thing I do, and I do it a lot.  There’s a long list of things I feel like I have to make up for that were absolutely not my fault in any way, but that I can’t let go of until I’ve made right, so I will someday.  There’s also a shorter list of things I legitimately feel I need to make up for, because they are things I did wrong (or things that I wanted to do for someone but wasn’t able to for whatever reason), and I feel overwhelmingly guilty about those things every time I think of them as well, but for the most part, I right my wrongs as they happen as much as possible.

Because of all that, there’s not a lot I need to be forgiven for, because for the most part, everyone involved in the things I’ve felt guilty about have either not viewed what happened as my fault in any way at all, or have already forgiven me for what I did – I just haven’t forgive myself.  That makes this question a bit difficult, because I have to think of something that someone other than me has not forgiven me for, and there’s only one thing I can think of that would potentially fit that category.  So here goes.

Wayyyy back in elementary school, I was one of the ‘popular girls’, as I’ve mentioned in this blog before.  I can’t remember exactly what I’ve said about my childhood on here, so I’ll just explain it all and apologize if I repeat anything you’ve already heard.  So yeah, I was ‘popular’, but in my school all that meant was that everyone in the class liked me, and I was friends with all of them – despite being probably the shyest person in the class.   For most kids, being popular would give them a certain amount of self-esteem, but it didn’t work that way for me; like I said, I was excruciatingly shy, and most of it was due to the fact that I had no self-confidence, so I was consistently afraid that people either secretly didn’t like me and were just pretending to be my friends to make fun of me, or did like me, but wouldn’t if I made the slightest wrong move.

In my final year of elementary school, my closest friends and I decided that we should create the first yearbook in our school’s history, because not everyone in the class was going to be going to the same junior high school, and we’d been such a tight knit group.  We worked hard on it, and incorporated ideas from teachers and everyone in the class, and in the end, it came out quite well.  There was only one problem – one of my friends decided that we should do a sort of ‘info sheet’ for each student, that they would fill out so people would know their likes, dislikes, best friends, etc.  Why was that a problem?  Because of one question – “Biggest Pet Peeve”.

I hated that question.  I remember sitting in front of the computer (one of those huge, colourful iMacs) for hours trying to think of how to fill in that one little blank, because I couldn’t really think of anything I disliked enough to call it a pet peeve at that age (I have many now, trust me :P), and I was afraid to offend anyone by putting something that might have been a habit of one of my classmates.  Eventually, a few of my best friends showed up to work on theirs, and I asked them what they’d put down as their pet peeves.  That was a huge mistake.

They informed me that they’d all put the same thing, and that they thought I should put it too, since we were all best friends and it would be weird if I didn’t…but that thing was the names of two of our fellow classmates, Shaun and Jessica.  They went on to make fun of the two of them, and I remember feeling very uncomfortable with it, because I liked Shaun and Jessica.  Shaun had had a crush on me since first grade, and I still, to this day, have the valentine he gave me that was my first ever, on which he’d written that he loved me.  Of course, he was too young to love me, but I just thought it was so sweet that I could never get rid of it.  Shaun and I didn’t hang out much, but he was always very nice to me when we did, the others just didn’t like him because they found him annoying.

Jessica they didn’t like because they thought she smelled like fish.  They made a lot of jokes at her expense, and again it made me uncomfortable because none of them knew a damn thing about Jessica.  She lived up the street from me, so we would often walk home together after school, and yes, she did emit a certain odour, but I knew why – her parents were in an incredibly bad financial position, and couldn’t afford to use enough hot water to allow Jessica to bathe more than once a week.  She had siblings, and one of them had a physical disability, so most of her parents’ money went to caring for him and feeding the family, leaving little left over for hot water and heat in the winter.  Jessica was a sweet, smart girl, who appreciated what she had, and my ‘friends’ knew nothing about what she didn’t have, and…it just wasn’t right how they treated her.

But of course, there’s a reason this is something I need to be forgiven for, and I’m sure you can guess it’s that I marked their names down on my form as well.  Why?  Because I was afraid to lose my friends.  It’s not a good enough reason, I know that now, but at the time I felt so pressured and scared about what would happen if I didn’t, that I did it.  I remember the day the yearbooks were printed, flipping to my own page and seeing those words written there, and how awful I felt.  How upset I knew Shaun and Jessica would be when they saw them.  I betrayed them, plain and simple; they were good to me, and I turned my back on them in favour of ‘friends’ that didn’t even bother with me anymore once we entered junior high, even if I had wanted to continue to associate with them.

Few people know that that’s why I became depressed in junior high, and excluded myself from everyone else.  People still liked me – in fact, I remember learning in grade 9 that the ‘popular people’ in junior high had always wanted to spend more time with me, and they were actually very sweet people (an entirely different group) – but I had no desire to be close to anyone then.  I could not handle the guilt I felt for doing what I did to Shaun and Jessica, and I did not want to get close enough to anyone else to risk making a mistake like that again.

Neither Shaun nor Jessica ended up going to the same junior high or high school as me, so I was never able to apologize for what I did, and because the yearbooks were ready right at the end of the school year, I was never even able to face either of them to fully understand the measure of the pain I must have caused them.  Who knows; maybe neither of them cared…but even if that was the case, that doesn’t make it okay that I did what I did.  I shouldn’t have done it, and I wish so badly that I hadn’t.  I wish I’d given up those ‘friends’ then, that very moment; I wish I’d been able to see that those were not the type of people I wanted to spend my time with.

So, that is the one thing I’d most like to be forgiven for, and I never will, because I cannot remember Shaun or Jessica’s last names, and no one else from my elementary seems to remember either, so I’ve no way of ever contacting them.  I’ll just spend the rest of my life wishing I could have apologized to them.  More than that, though, I wish I could just go back and change it all; make it so it never happened.  I’m sorry, Shaun and Jessica, but I know sorry is not enough.  I wish there was something I could do.

Again, no gifs this time because of the nature of the story.  I hope you understand.   Reflecting on this again has quite upset me, so I’ve got to go deal with that now.  I wonder if that was the moment when I decided I wanted to do everything I could to help as many people as possible as much as possible.  I still want to.  Someday, I hope I’m able to do more than I can now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When have you come closest to meeting the devil?”)

I should be happy to be on chapter 50, because that means that after this chapter, there are only 10 left.  But this chapter was so unbearably worthless that I can’t even get excited right now.

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Wanda and Stryder start this chapter off fighting, and we quickly discover that this is all about the secret Wanda has tried to make seem important throughout the course of the book that I still don’t really care about at all.  We also learn that Wanda only means to get rid of herself here, not kill Stryder too, though Meyer takes quite a while to make that clear (and as usual, I don’t appreciate how the lead up is confusing and disjointed instead of intriguing).

So…what exactly is the point of that?  She wants to get rid of herself…because that will somehow help things?  I can’t see what benefit that serves for anyone except for Stryder, really, and I guess Jared.  Otherwise, it leaves them without someone who can easily get them supplies, and who is supposedly now their friend.  I just don’t see how she can justify that.

Is it just guilt again?  She mentions that if she does this she will no longer be an expatriate, she will be purely a traitor, so maybe she just wants to destroy herself because she can’t stand to be a traitor even though she doesn’t agree with what the souls are doing anymore.  I bet that’s it.  So it’s still stupid, then.

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Wanda calls Stryder stupid for telling her not to do it, because she feels that Stryder should see the potential of it and be happy about it, but no, Wanda, you’re still the one being stupid.  Martyring yourself when it’s absolutely unnecessary is stupid.  Maybe Stryder should want you out of her body, but if she did, I’d say she’d want you put into another body, not just killed or gone forever.

Why don’t you just remove Seeker, kill her, and put yourself in her host body?  Then Stryder would get her body back, but you could still live.  I know it’s not ideal, because you would associate the body with her, but it’s better than nothing, you’d get over it in time, and I doubt you want to take another host body for your purposes…though maybe you will want to do that later.  I can see this book going that way really easily.

Wait, why am I trying to find ways for Wanda to survive?  Moving on.

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This was the secret I should die to protect.  The information I’d been desperate to keep safe no matter what hideous torture I was put through.

This was not the kind of torture I’d expected: a personal crisis of conscience, confused and complicated by love for my human family.

So…it is because of guilt, then, because no one else is ‘torturing’ her; she’s doing it to herself.  Man, I’m sick of this.  We get it, Meyer; she’s so wonderful and caring that she’s developed a guilt complex.  Again, great message for your readers.  It just gets better and better.

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Stryder tells Wanda – I’m sorry, howls at Wanda (-_-) – that she doesn’t want her to kill herself for the Seeker, but Wanda just asks her sarcastically if she should just wait until they catch another ‘innocent soul’ to do it, because she’ll have to do it sometime.  Um…why?  They said they wouldn’t take any more souls back there to experiment on while you were in the caves with them, and Doc told you he doesn’t want to do the experiments anymore at all, so why would you have to do this sometime?  Why can’t you just go on living as you have been?

Just don’t ever tell them your ‘secret’ unless one of your own gets taken; simple as that.  And then you’ll be telling them for a good reason, not for the sake of killing someone, so you won’t need to kill yourself.  But I guess that wouldn’t solve the guilt thing because nothing ever would for someone as pure and angelic as Wanda, so never mind.

Oh, I guess I should mention, in case it wasn’t clear, that Wanda’s secret is that she knows how to remove souls without the human host or the soul dying.  That’s the thing Meyer takes forever to get to, but in order for what I’m saying here to make sense, I guess I should explain that early on.  So yeah, that’s it.  Riveting, isn’t it?  I mean, it’s not like we all already could have guessed that she had that knowledge.  I sure as hell thought she did.  This doesn’t even feel like a secret to me, just another lie she told the humans.

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Stryder continues to try to get Wanda to think about what she’s planning to do, while Wanda feels sick, and then:

I could do it, Mel.  I could justify letting her die if she was one of those innocent souls.  I could let them kill her then.  I could trust myself to make an objective decision.

But she’s horrible, Wanda!  We hate her!

Exactly.  And I can’t trust myself.  Look at how I almost didn’t see the answer…”

…What?  I don’t understand this section at all.  I’ve read it over and over trying to make it make sense in my brain, and I’ve felt like a gigantic idiot for not getting it, but I just really don’t.  She hates the Seeker, so she doesn’t consider herself able to make an objective decision about whether she should live or die?  She killed someone!  That’s pretty cut and dry!

Why could she let them kill the Seeker if she was an ‘innocent soul’?  Why the hell would that be better?  Am I reading this entirely wrong?  I would think killing a soul who had done nothing would be far worse than killing one who is a MURDERER.  I cannot at all wrap my head around how she would be okay with killing someone innocent, but not okay with killing the Seeker.  I really must be reading this wrong; I just don’t get it.

You almost didn’t see that you could remove her because you were blinded by your hatred for her, but that wouldn’t have happened with an innocent soul because you wouldn’t have hated it, so you would have come up with this possibility sooner and still felt you had to kill yourself anyway?  Is that it?  Cause I still don’t see how that changes the fact that she’s a murderer.  It doesn’t make her crime any better. Ahhh, I’m just going to move on now.

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Jeb asks if Wanda is alright, and she tells him she’s fine, even though it’s obvious she’s not.  The Seeker recoils like a vampire in sunlight at this point, I think because Jeb came over, though I don’t know why that would do it since he’s not holding a gun, Aaron and Brandt are…but maybe Meyer forgot that detail.  Jeb asks Wanda what’s going on, and she tells him she has another question for the Seeker, but she needs a minute to herself.

Jeb tells her they can wait for her to take a breather, so she rushes out of the room and heads to her bedroom to think.  Along the way, she trips over Lily in the hallway because it’s so dark, and finds that she is crying.  She asks Wanda why life and love go on, because she feels that they shouldn’t anymore.  She also asks Wanda what the point of living is, and Wanda coldly responds that she doesn’t know, and doesn’t even bother to try to comfort Lily.  She just leaves her there, crying and questioning life.

I’m sorry, but what the hell?  This girl is crying, you know she’s just suffered a loss; why wouldn’t you even stop for 5 minutes to give her a hug, or talk to her, or let her cry on your shoulder, or anything?  And when she’s talking about there being no point to living, you don’t fucking leave her alone! These are at least borderline suicidal comments she’s making; what the fuck is wrong with you that you just run off to your room when she’s like that, without even doing as little as getting someone else to be with her?  You think your question is so much more important than her fucking life?

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Fuck, I hate Wanda SO MUCH!  This is no way to treat a ‘friend’, and hey, so much for her guilt; if she really felt bad about ‘being the cause’ of Wes’s death, she would damn well try to comfort the heartbroken girlfriend that’s been left behind by that death!  And she would certainly make sure she (Lily) doesn’t die as a result of this as well, especially by her own hand!  Wanda thinks she’s such a good person, but she’s still actually fucking terrible.  This is atrocious.

At first when I read this I thought Lily’s reaction was a bit much for the short time they would have been dating, and to a certain extent I still do think that, though I know that of course different people react to death in different ways…but now none of that even matters because I’m so much more pissed off at Wanda.  Regardless of whether Lily’s reaction is reasonable for the situation, these are the emotions she is expressing, this is how it’s affecting her, and no one is even trying to help her with it!

Yes, I know, some people want time alone to grieve, but she’s making fucking suicidal comments.  I can’t imagine that anyone else in the caves who heard her talking like that would just say something cold, then skip over her and run off to their room because they’re too self-absorbed to care.  But Wanda, oh, of course she does.  Yet we’re still supposed to like her and think she’s some wonderful martyr.

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Wanda throws herself onto the bed when she gets to her room, and asks herself the “one more question” that she told Jeb she had.  The question is if she’ll “do it”, which I assume means tell everyone her secret and save the Seeker.

I could save the Seeker’s life.  I knew how.  It would not endanger any of the lives here.  Except my own.  I would have to trade that.

I still don’t fucking get this.  WHY?!  WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO TRADE IT?  Can you please fucking explain that, Meyer, rather than repeatedly telling us it’s a fact but giving us no reason why??  The Seeker sure as hell isn’t going to make her trade it, and neither are any of the humans, so it’s only her!  Why the fuck do you want to save her and kill yourself, Wanda?!?  Aggggh!!

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Stryder tells her not to do it, but Wanda says it’s inevitable anyway, and she should have seen that long ago.  NO IT’S FUCKING NOT!  There is no reason why it would be!

She recalls when Jamie was sick and she told Stryder that she couldn’t give her more than not erasing her, and says that wasn’t the complete truth; the truth is that she can’t give Stryder more than that and stay alive herself.  Ooook…pretty sure we could have figured that out on our own.  Again, I was always pretty sure she knew how to get the souls out safely before.  I would think it would have to have happened at some point in her many lives.

Anyway, she admits that she lied to Jared when she said she didn’t know how to make herself not exist, but tries to justify that by saying that it was true when she said she didn’t know how to fade away while inside Stryder, she just didn’t realize that she was lying to them both by implying that she couldn’t erase herself entirely.  I’m gonna say it probably did cross her mind then, but it wasn’t something she wanted to do, so she didn’t bother to mention it.  I believe she’s stupid, but I also believe that that thought would come into her head whether she wanted it to or not, she would just then ignore it.

It was just that I had never considered that option viable, ultimate betrayal that it was to every soul on this planet.

Oh, shut the fuck up, you pretentious, selfish, lying bitch.

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This chapter is so full of drama that will obviously not come to anything that will matter at all in future chapters.  If there weren’t 10 chapters left in the book, I might believe that she’d actually do this, because she at least wants to believe really badly that she cares that much about the rest of her species, but with so much left, it’s obvious this is going absolutely fucking nowhere.  And that pisses me off.  I’m sick of all the pointless drama in this book.

Wanda claims that once the humans know how to remove the souls, it will cost her, but I still can’t see how.  I really can’t.  How does she not yet see that what the souls have done to the humans is essentially murder, since they’re taking away the lives of the humans who inhabited those bodies?  How can she keep calling the humans’ attempts to save their own ‘murder’ when she doesn’t see the aliens the same way?

And even if it was murder on both sides, still, how the hell will it cost her to help the humans save their own?  It’s not like they’re going to tell all the aliens she told them!  If they caught an alien, it would be removed, and all would be well.  It couldn’t tell anyone else.  Is it because she couldn’t bear to go back to live with the other souls after betraying them?  Cause the humans want her there, so she really wouldn’t have to, and I can’t see why she would anyway, because that would be so much worse for her.  She could stay with the humans until she died.  I really don’t see the point of all her whining.

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Stryder argues with Wanda again about this, so Wanda asks her if she wants to be free, and she says she wouldn’t ask Wanda to do this, and she wouldn’t do it for her (even though she kind of is by trying to keep Wanda alive), so she sure as hell wouldn’t do it for the Seeker.  Wanda responds that she doesn’t have to ask; that she thinks she might have volunteered to do it eventually anyway.

Stryder is still upset, which Wanda notices, and explains that she would have volunteered to do it because she could give Jamie and Jared everything they wanted by doing it, because she’d be giving them Stryder back, and that if Jared had ever asked her to do it, she wouldn’t have said no.  Stryder says that Wanda is too self-sacrificing and she needs limits, which pisses me off, because Stryder has seen what Wanda does and can hear what she thinks; she knows damn well that Wanda’s decisions are hardly ever actually in someone else’s best interests, they just look that way from the outside.

Honestly, I think this entire thing is just so that Wanda can find out how much Stryder cares about her.  She’s fishing for compliments, essentially.  She doesn’t actually want to sacrifice herself, and I’d be willing to bet she doesn’t even intend to, she just wants Stryder to join in with Ian in thinking she’s sooooo self-sacrificing, so she can stick around and claim it’s Stryder’s fault if Stryder ever gets upset with what she does, because Stryder said she wanted her there.

In other words, she can start fucking Ian using Stryder’s body, and Stryder won’t be able to be upset by that because she wanted Wanda to stay, when Wanda was going to just go.  That better not be what happens, or I swear to god…

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Wanda starts moaning about Ian because the thought of him makes her heart hurt, which makes me want to vomit because she’s actually seriously falling for that douchebag, but Stryder uses it to her advantage, trying to make Wanda feel guilty by claiming that her death will take everything Ian wants away from him.  Lucky that Stockholm Syndrome kicked in when it did, eh, Stryder?

Wanda says it would never work with Ian anyway because even though he loves her body, her body doesn’t love him (what?), so Stryder changes gears and just says that she can’t let Wanda do this; that Wanda has to stay, because she is of more value to the humans than she (Stryder) is.  Wanda continues to argue that she doesn’t see any other way but to go, because she knows the souls are wrong to have come to Earth.

So…she knows the souls were wrong to do what they did, yet she feels so guilty about betraying them – the individuals she now knows to be the ‘bad guys’ – that she feels she has to die.  Wtf?  This is making less and less sense as the chapter goes on.

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She says she doesn’t have a choice but to “do the right thing and leave“, and that the humans survived without her before, so they will again.  She says Stryder can help them using what she’s learned about souls during her time with Wanda, and that this is the closest she can do to giving the humans a happy ending.  Man, the dialogue in this chapter is so overdramatic.

Stryder protests again and starts to cry, which touches Wanda because she had never realized how much Stryder cared for her.  She has to fuck up that potentially touching moment though too, by doing another “who cares more” competition, claiming that Stryder cares about her almost as much as she cares about Stryder.  Seriously, Wanda, fuck you.  You stole her body and now she’s trying to save your life, even though you fucking off would give her her life back.  She is literally giving up her life to imprisonment for your sake.  You’re not talking about giving yours up for her; you’re talking about giving it up for guilt.  In the battle of who cares more, Stryder wins, even though that makes absolutely no goddamn sense.

Blah blah blah, Wanda repeating herself about how doing this would have occurred to her even if no one had asked her to do it (which they wouldn’t have, since she said she didn’t know how to do it, so it would be really great if she could stop harping on that), how much she loves Stryder which I don’t believe for even a second since she has consistently disrespected Stryder throughout this book, and more blathering on about how great souls are because they “can’t exist at the expense of one they love“.

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FUCK YOU.  Once again, you did not consider this for Stryder’s sake, so stop acting like you did.  Stop acting like souls are so loving and giving that once their hosts resist them, they give in because they love them so much.  You have not yet given us one example of that happening, and you sure as hell didn’t do it yourself, because Stryder was resisting literally since day one.

You’re not better than anyone, Wanda, and obviously neither are any of the other aliens, because if they were, your ‘secret’ would already have gotten out by now (when someone else gave themselves for their host).  So just fuck off.  Souls can live selfishly just fine, and from what I’ve read here, always have.

Wanda starts checking herself out in the moonlight, so we get seven paragraphs of her describing every part of her body that she looks at and touches, in intricate detail.  WHY?!  This is page 510.  510!! Why do we need to do this at this stage?!  I’m skipping all of this.  FUCK this.

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Oh, except this part:

They could hold a child, they could comfort a friend, they could love…but that was not for me.

She’s talking about her arms there, if it wasn’t obvious, and I find this funny because she means it in the emo sense that it’s not for her because she’s an alien and they’re human and blah blah blah stupid shit we’ve heard a thousand times no matter how much the humans have come to accept and love her, but to me, it’s because she can’t actually be fucking bothered to comfort a friend if it’s not convenient for her, so no, it damn well isn’t “for her”.

So after all that boring crap (it really was boring to me; it felt like the chapter was going on forever for no good reason, since I didn’t care about anything she said there), she goes on about how much she loves and “craves” her body (wtf?), and how ironic it is that it’s the first body she’s felt that way for and also the one she’ll have to give up.  Uh, okay, whatever, Wanda.

She laughs, and describes it as “air that popped in little bubbles from my chest and up through my throat“, which makes me think she might want to make a doctor’s appointment, because I’m pretty sure that shit is not normal.  Laughter has never felt like bubbles popping in my chest before.  If it feels like that for you, Meyer, please get checked out.

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Annnd now we’re back to touching body parts and describing them again.  Fuck yeah!  Progress!  This book sucks.

Oh wait, this time she’s describing her lips so she can go on to gloat about how she’s kissed all the guys.  Greeeeat.  And now she’s trying to figure out how long she’s been on Earth again, and lamenting how short her time has been on this planet, and all the emoness that goes with that every time she brings it up.  She asks if a little more time would be so wrong, and Stryder says it wouldn’t, because that’s kind of the point she’s been trying to make all along.

At this point, Wanda feels it’s appropriate to quote back something Stryder said to her wayyy back when they were driving through the desert so Wanda could get rid of her, which is “You never know how much time you’ll have”.  I’m not sure why she says that, though, since she immediately follows it up with how she does know how much time she has, and that her time is up, except that no it’s not because you’re making that decision yourself, you stupid bitch.

More about how sacrificing herself is “being her true self”, even though that’s clearly bull, and then she finally gets up.  Thank god, because this chapter has seriously gone on for fucking ever and not a damn thing has happened yet.  5.5 pages with no action except for her ignoring Lily’s suicidal comments.  Awesome.

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She decides she has questions to ask Doc now, so she heads to where she thinks he’ll be, and as per usual, we get a description of everyone she passes and how little they care that she’s passing.  Seriously, Meyer, every time?  Is that really necessary?

Instead of actually allowing us to get to Wanda and Doc talking so we can get this shitty chapter over with, Meyer interrupts Wanda’s run to wherever he is with a rant about how alone Doc has been since the night they saved Jamie, because Sharon moved out of their room after that night and moved in with her mom (because she’s a bitch), and Doc can’t bear to sleep in their room alone.

While I agree that it’s pretty fucking horrible that Sharon is that petty and disgusting a person, I’m still not sure why we need to go into this now.  Doc deserves better than her, he’s too nice to ever have dated someone like her, so who gives a fuck?  Move on, Doc.  You’re better off.  Is their relationship drama really plot relevant at all?  I find it hard to imagine it is.

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Finally, Wanda gets to the hospital (I’m assuming) where Doc is, and he immediately jumps up and asks her if something is wrong.  She tells him everything’s fine, but that she needs him, and then her dialogue gets especially dramatic and unrealistic for the remainder of the conversation.  Yaaaay.  I’m going to skip over as much of this dramatic bullshit as possible because I hate it, but I will point out the relevant bits.

Wanda tells Doc that she knows how to remove souls from their human hosts without harm to either party, going on to say that “of course” she knows that, because all souls have to know how to do it in case of an emergency.  She says she even did it once herself…when she was a Bear. -_-

Doc asks why she’s telling him that, and she says it’s because she’s going to give him the knowledge he needs to do it himself, but only if he’ll give her what she wants in return.  She warns him that what she wants will not be easy, so naturally, he asks her to tell him what it is.

So what does Wanda want?  She wants him to keep the souls alive.  She wants him to promise that he will get cryotanks, put the souls in them, and get those tanks to shuttles off-planet, so they can go to another world to live.  She assures him that they won’t be able to hurt him, and that by the time they reach their next planet his grandchildren will be dead, so apparently their space travel is actually not nearly as fast as she made it out to be (not that I really have a scientific problem with that, I just like to point out when she’s wrong).

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But the slow space travel is not the important part here.  The important part is this question:  How in the hell is Doc supposed to do any of this?  Does she think the humans just have cryotanks lying around, or do the aliens keep them in easily accessible areas?  Do they keep tanks in their homes for those emergency implants they supposedly have to do sometimes, as mentioned at the beginning of the book?  If so, do those not already have souls in them?

If they don’t, if they’re just empty tanks, why the hell wouldn’t the humans have already done something about those, to sabotage the aliens to at least some degree?  And if they do, shouldn’t they also have medical supplies, since they would need to use their medications on anyone they had to do an implant or removal on, which would again raise the question as to why the humans couldn’t have just gotten medical supplies themselves when they raided the aliens’ houses, and/or why Wanda had to harm herself to get them instead of just walking into a pharmacy and getting them there or something?

And hell, if the humans could get the supplies on raids themselves, is Wanda really any more useful than Stryder is to the humans?  …And here’s something I just thought of; why the hell didn’t they get toiletries before Wanda started raiding with them?  It’s supposed to be some big shit deal that she gets those, but they could have too, since I assume the aliens use them as they’re in human bodies and keep producing them, but do they just not get them because it’s guys doing the raiding?

I'm absolutely certain Meyer thought this multiple times while writing this book.

I’m absolutely certain Meyer thought this multiple times while writing this book.

I have to say, I can’t think of a guy I know who would rather wash with burning cactus soap than pick up a couple of bars of good soap while raiding someone’s house.  And hey, if you want to stay with the somewhat sexist point of view, I’m pretty sure a woman or two might have asked them to at some point, since they would already be there raiding, so it wouldn’t be any more trouble.

Ohh so many questions.  Anyway, yeah, how would Doc get the tanks, and beyond that, how the hell would he get the tanks onto shuttles to send them to new planets?!  It’s not like he has a shuttle, and I’d have to think that would not be an easy process; can’t Wanda see how she would be necessary to pull that off, if it even could be done by her at all?  Humans certainly won’t get away with it!

Demanding that he do this is just setting more humans up to be taken by the aliens and either implanted or killed!  How can’t she see that?  How does that not make her feel guiltier than betraying the bad guy does?  Does she not care that she’s basically screwing everyone she loves just so that she doesn’t feel a little guilty right now?!

She thinks her conditions will mitigate her guilt if Doc keeps his word about them, but they really fucking shouldn’t, for the aforementioned reasons, and because she’s still betraying the aliens by doing this, if she wants to look at it as betrayal!  Sending them off to another world doesn’t make it not betrayal, it just makes it betrayal of both the species she currently ‘is’, because as mentioned, she’s sending the humans off to get caught by the aliens too!

She doesn't see it, but she is the bad guy on both sides now.

She doesn’t see it, but she is the bad guy on both sides now.

Doc thinks about what she’s asked him to do, and then guesses that she doesn’t want them to kill the Seeker.  She doesn’t respond to that because she does want them to kill her, but she knows she can’t explain that in a way he’ll understand, so she just says the Seeker will be the ‘test subject’, to make sure Doc is going to follow through.  She says she’ll do the separation of the Seeker herself, and then when she (the Seeker) is safe, she’ll teach Doc how to do it.

…What?  For a second there, she made it look like she was going to do the separation so she could kill the Seeker and then be like “oops, haha, it was an accident, don’t do that when you do it” or something, but then she says she won’t teach Doc to do it until the Seeker is safe.  So she really intends to keep the murdering bitch alive!  She intends to send her off to live another life on another planet, where she will never have to face or pay for what she’s done!  This is not a life for a life, Wanda!  Not even fucking close!  If you save the Seeker, you just let her off scot free for killing Wes!  What the hell is wrong with you??

Doc asks who Wanda is going to teach him on, and she says kidnapped souls, like they tried to do before.  She says she can’t guarantee that the human minds will come back, because she doesn’t know if the erased can return, but that they’ll see with the Seeker…but shouldn’t she know?  She’s apparently done this before, and obviously other souls have too if they all have to be taught how to do it for emergency situations, so, uh, shouldn’t someone have experienced, at one time or another, the minds either coming back or not?

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Is it just that she’s never done it on a human, and she thinks they might be different?  I’d have thought in all these years since they took over Earth, it would have happened at least once, so she’d probably know, but even then she should have some indication by what has happened with previous species.

Another point; does this mean Stryder knew Wanda’s “secret” all along?  Because Wanda did tell Stryder in the desert that souls only die when they are in a host body at the time it dies, but that they’re usually removed before that, so Stryder could obviously piece together that it was possible to safely remove them and that Wanda would know how to.  As, of course, could the rest of Meyer’s readers if they actually used their brains at all, but I’m pretty sure she was counting on them not doing that so this could be some sort of big shit surprise, and I’ll be very sad if it actually worked on anyone.

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Doc clues in that Wanda said “while I’m still here” when talking about teaching Doc and making sure he follows through with her demands, and asks her what she meant by that.  She doesn’t answer, leaving him to figure it out on his own, and then asks him if he knows what she’s giving him.  Apparently he gets it after that for some reason, so Wanda starts speaking quickly before he can protest.

She tells him there’s another thing she wants him to do for her, and that’s bury her beside Walter and Wes, because she doesn’t want to be sent to another planet.  She says Earth is “her planet”, but she doesn’t think there’s actually any place for her there at the same time.  She knows it might offend some people to have her buried by Walter and Wes, so if that happens, she wants him not to tell them that’s what he’s going to do, or even lie to them if he has to.  How will he know if it offends them if he doesn’t tell them what he’s doing?

Stryder stars ‘howling’ in protest again at this point, and Doc says no, he won’t do that (bury her by them).  Wanda begins to beg him, saying she doesn’t think Walter or Wes will mind, but he says that’s not the point; the point is that he can’t kill her because he’s sick of death, and sick of killing his friends.  When did he ever kill one of his friends…?  I really don’t remember that happening.  Don’t you get stupid and emo now too, Doc.

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Wanda tries to comfort him (because she can’t get what she wants if he doesn’t go along with it, so it’s worth taking the time and effort to comfort him, which it obviously wasn’t for Lily because she wasn’t going to do anything for Wanda -_-), quoting Kyle again in saying that people die there, implying that it’s not his fault.  Which it isn’t.

Doc asks what Jared and Jamie will think, but she says they’ll be fine because they’ll have Stryder.  He asks about Ian, and she says he’s better off without her.  More accurately, though, she (and definitely Stryder) are better off without him, but of course she doesn’t say this or even think it.  I really wish she did.

Doc tells her he has to think about it, but she says they don’t have long because the guys won’t wait forever before they kill the Seeker.  He says he agrees to that part, sending the souls off planet, even though I still don’t know how because of all the cryotank shit, but he doesn’t think he can kill her.

Wanda tells him it’s “all or none“, and he has to decide right away, but he can’t tell anyone else about the part of their agreement where he kills her.  She says those are the terms, take them or leave them, and asks again if he wants to know how to remove a soul from a human body.

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Once again, he tells her he has to think about it, but she continues to rush him, saying he already knows the answer; that it’s what he’s been searching for.  He shakes his head, but she ignores that because she feels the decision is already made (and I imagine she would have an epic freak-out if he didn’t do what she wanted anyway, since she always gets what she wants in the end and probably couldn’t handle it otherwise), and tells him she’ll get Jared so they can “make a quick raid for cryotanks“.  She tells him to hold off the others from killing the Seeker by telling them the truth; that she’s going to help him get the Seeker out of her body.

Yeeeeeah, that’ll go over really fucking well, Wanda.  Everyone’s gonna be super excited about that plan, and they’re totally gonna believe it’s not another plan of yours to capture them all.  And hey, what about my question as to where the sweet fuck you’re going to get the cryotanks from?  A “quick” raid?  How easy is it to get this shit?  I’m going to be seriously pissed off if it’s as easy as all the “grocery shopping” she’s been doing of late, but I bet it is.  Again, though, if it is, it’s because she’s a fucking alien, and she’s got to realize at some point that the humans will not be able to make quick work of it like she will.

Besides, doesn’t she expect that the humans will be a little pissed that she hid this knowledge from them all this time?  Oh, wait, they probably won’t be, because she’s Wanda and everyone loves her except Sharon and Maggie, who conveniently, just a few pages ago, isolated themselves from everyone else in the caves because they hate everyone now.  Fuck you, Meyer.  Seriously, fuck you.

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And that’s it until next time.  Wheeeee.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

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