Tag Archive: Illness


Q&A: Self-Confidence

The one hundred-thirteenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When did you have the weakest self-confidence ever?”

Oh, geez…this is a hard one for me. A whole bunch of answers pop into my head at once, and ranking them isn’t incredibly easy. When I really think about it, if you asked my friends when they thought I had the weakest self-confidence, I’m pretty sure their answers would be very different from the one I have to give here. Theirs would sound much more reasonable and logical than mine, but I do believe mine to be more accurate, based on how I actually felt.

See, it would stand to reason that the times I had the weakest self-confidence would be when I allowed myself to stay in abusive relationships, even after knowing they were abusive…and certainly, the last ‘relationship’ I was in would be a good contender in that regard…but I don’t think any of those were when my self confidence was the lowest. I think, in fact, that my self confidence was the lowest when I started to heal from those abuses, as odd as that might sound to say.

I’m not sure I really can (or even want to) explain why I feel that way in a way that will make sense, but what it comes down to is that when I finally got into a healthy, stable relationship with someone, who supported me and allowed me to be vulnerable to them…I got all kinds of fucked up. Apparently that’s a completely normal response to something like that, but at the time it really didn’t feel like it; it felt like I had finally found someone who loved and respected me and wanted to help me overcome my past, but that instead of being all I could be for them, I was a massive ball of anxiety and mental illness instead. The reason why makes sense; I was not at all used to having a healthy relationship and therefore had no idea how one would work, so I had to basically un-learn everything I had ever known about relationships for 28 years, and learn something entirely new, which is overwhelmingly difficult…but despite logic, it just felt, to me, like I was a horrible person.

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There is a lot more detail I could go into on this one, and part of me feels like I should, but most of me is just having a really hard time writing this, because I am massively sick and it’s messing with my brain something awful…so before I make this really weird or incoherent (I’m really just hoping I haven’t done that already), I’m going to end it. Sorry, guys; this might have been a good one, but I just don’t have it in me at all right now. Damn illness…

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most inexplicable thing you’ve ever witnessed?”)

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Q&A: Weakest

The seventy-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What was the weakest you’ve ever been?”

Well, let’s see; are we talking physical weakness, mental weakness or emotional weakness?  If it’s emotional weakness, I would say it was probably 10 months ago, when my ex-boyfriend moved out.  We’d been together for more than three years, and most of that time had been spent with me supporting him through school and through a chronic illness he was suffering, so when he suddenly ended things the day before my birthday, it was incredibly hard to deal with. The relationship had certainly needed to end for some time, but the unexpected nature of his departure, the timing, the disdain he suddenly seemed to have for me (and seems to have held on to), and the curves that threw into my life in every way possible were, at the time, just too much to deal with.  I spent a good length of time trying to recover from that, which led me to come down with pretty much every illness under the sun as a result, and I was a complete mess emotionally. Luckily, I got through it, and it’s been a very long time since any of that has bothered me, but I’d still have to say it was probably the weakest I’ve ever been emotionally.

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Mentally, though, I think I’d unfortunately have to say that the weakest I’ve been has been in the past few months, as I’ve attempted to navigate the new relationship I entered into almost six months ago. I’m with a wonderful guy, who I am very happy with, but there are a lot of issues with his ex-wife and their son, as well as insecurity issues on my part, as he is the first person who has really wanted to be with me for me and not for what I can offer him…which is surprisingly hard to get used to. So it’s taken a lot of work to struggle through, but he (and our relationship) is worth it, so I’m trying to keep strong. I’ve definitely had more than my fair share of weak moments as a result of it, though.

Now, as for physical weakness, my weakest point could either be now, when I am basically unable to even do dishes or drive, and sometimes end up in severe pain just from showering…or it could have been after my stint in the hospital 8 or so years ago, when I basically had to relearn to walk because I’d been in a hospital bed on heavy duty meds for too long. I was going to go into more detail on that, but then we’re tying into the mental and emotional weakness again, and that could get confusing, so…now is not the time.  But hey, at least this was finally a real answer to something!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the strongest profanity you use?”)

Q&A: Problematic

The twenty-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most difficult problem you’ve ever had to solve?”

Honestly, I think I’m still in the process of solving the most difficult problem I’ve ever encountered, and that’s because it’s not just one problem, it’s a series of problems that have been going on for the past few years.  I’m not going to get into too much detail on this one, because it involves personal details about someone else, but long story short, this individual and I have been very close over the past few years, and they have had significant problems in…pretty much every possible aspect of their life.

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It started with being cheated on right before I met them, the divorce of their parents, problems with employment and living situations, then even worse problems with employment, as well as with school, incredibly difficult problems in their family life, mental health issues, betrayal by their last remaining friend, and horrible health problems that have only become worse and worse over the years, and which we cannot seem to find a diagnosis for to even begin to correct them.  Add to that the fact that they are involved in some ‘drama’ that other individuals have caused in my life, and you’ve got a giant shit storm of issues, all at once.

I helped this person solve everything I could on that list, and even solved some of them entirely on my own for them, but there are still some (namely the health and family ones) that we are working through, and I absolutely hope we can solve them someday, as this person does not deserve all the pain they are going through.  So…each of those things on their own would have been difficult to solve, but solving them all at once?  That has been incredibly difficult.

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If this answer was supposed to be the single most difficult problem I have solved, then I really don’t know what it would be.  I tried to think of something, but everything I thought of didn’t seem significant enough, so maybe I just suck at solving things.  Oh!  I did manage to get two narcissists who were at each others’ throats to have a discussion once, and mediated it until they were able to come to peace with each other, and if you know anything about narcissists you know how difficult that is…so I’ll go with that.

…And I also managed to keep someone from killing himself, despite that even I could think of nothing that was going right enough in his life to give him a ‘reason to live’.  That sounds horrible, but you’d need to know this guy’s life to understand.

Anyway, I think that’s all I’ve got to say about this one, so there you have it!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When were you the strongest that you’ve ever had to be?”)

Q&A: Changing the world

As mentioned, the first question for the new Q&A segment of this blog is “What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?”

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Now, this is a hard question.  A very, very hard question, in fact, because there are so many possible answers that would be completely valid and even good.

It’s easy to say you’d like world peace, but the fact is, world peace will never exist (unless we’re all infected by alien parasites, of course), and logically, it probably shouldn’t.  Now, hear me out here: I’m not saying I think war, death and adversity are omgsoawesome; I just think that if we had a ‘perfect’ world, not only would we most likely be bored, but we’d also never learn anything, feel the push to be better than we are, or have reason to feel the great sense of pride that comes with doing or being involved with something that we believe in (and pride in ourselves, our families and our countries can drive us to do greater things than we could ever have imagined).  Well, maybe never is too strong a word, but I do think there’s a lot to be said for feeling empathy for others in their situations, fighting for/defending your freedoms and the causes you believe in (and thereby learning what is and is not important to you, and where you morally stand on issues), and giving of yourself for others.

Also, world peace would require that everyone have equal access to money, housing, jobs, etc., so that there would be no strife over those issues, and that creates a whole slew of other problems that would have to be dealt with, which would, in the end, leave us in the same position we’re in now, because it’s quite simply not sustainable.  Though I guess changing the world so that it was sustainable would be nice, if that was possible.

Curing disease and illness is also a good idea, but the downfall in doing that lies in the fact that if everyone was completely healthy all the time, we quite simply would not be able to keep our population under control.  I know, it sounds cruel, but we do require a certain amount of illness and death to deplete the population enough that our world can support the babies we keep having without eating up all our resources.  The same goes for solving world hunger, to some degree, but still, making sure everyone on earth has enough to eat would certainly be on the list of contenders here.

So death is necessary, as I just pointed out, but why not make it less painful?  Also a good one.  Add that to the list, too.  And while we’re at it, why not make life less painful?  It certainly isn’t easy.  I guess my choice is somewhere along those lines.

Those who work hard and help others, those who bring joy and humor to the people around them, those that are the change we need to see in the world…those people should not have to suffer depression, chronic illness, pain, financial hardship, etc., when they are really trying to be and do better than what they are, and make life happier for those around them.  I know so many wonderful people who keep getting beaten down by life when they have done nothing but try to help their friends and family, and survive, yet I know others who take advantage of the people around them at every turn, abuse their partners, take everything they’ve got for granted, and have life, money, jobs, good health, etc. all handed to them on a silver platter.  Say what you like, but it is not fair, and life should not work that way.  There should at least be some payoff for those good people in the end, and some consequence for those that take advantage of or treat others badly.

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I certainly don’t think life should be 100% perfect or easy for anyone, no matter how good a person they are, because as I said before, adversity makes us grow, and I do believe that these people are better people because they’ve had to overcome.  But if I could change one thing in the world, it would be that those people would not die young, and would be rewarded with a happy life when all is said and done, and the ‘bad people’ would need to face what they’ve done and live with less because of the pain they caused.  I would make life fair, as much as it possibly could be.

This made more sense to me before I started typing it. I don’t feel like the words came out right at all.  If I’ve offended anyone, I’m sorry; it was not intentional.  I had another whole section about bad people vs. good people, and how much I hate that good, happy, inspiring children/people die of things like leukemia, abuse, etc., but I cut that out, because I thought it seemed like too much.

Maybe I should have just gone with solving world hunger or making everyone equal.  Yeah, I probably should have done that.  Hopefully my next answer will be better.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please don’t let my disjointed answer stop you from giving your own in the comments! 🙂

(Next question: “What do you want most right now?”)

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