Tag Archive: Love


Q&A: Self-Confidence

The one hundred-thirteenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When did you have the weakest self-confidence ever?”

Oh, geez…this is a hard one for me. A whole bunch of answers pop into my head at once, and ranking them isn’t incredibly easy. When I really think about it, if you asked my friends when they thought I had the weakest self-confidence, I’m pretty sure their answers would be very different from the one I have to give here. Theirs would sound much more reasonable and logical than mine, but I do believe mine to be more accurate, based on how I actually felt.

See, it would stand to reason that the times I had the weakest self-confidence would be when I allowed myself to stay in abusive relationships, even after knowing they were abusive…and certainly, the last ‘relationship’ I was in would be a good contender in that regard…but I don’t think any of those were when my self confidence was the lowest. I think, in fact, that my self confidence was the lowest when I started to heal from those abuses, as odd as that might sound to say.

I’m not sure I really can (or even want to) explain why I feel that way in a way that will make sense, but what it comes down to is that when I finally got into a healthy, stable relationship with someone, who supported me and allowed me to be vulnerable to them…I got all kinds of fucked up. Apparently that’s a completely normal response to something like that, but at the time it really didn’t feel like it; it felt like I had finally found someone who loved and respected me and wanted to help me overcome my past, but that instead of being all I could be for them, I was a massive ball of anxiety and mental illness instead. The reason why makes sense; I was not at all used to having a healthy relationship and therefore had no idea how one would work, so I had to basically un-learn everything I had ever known about relationships for 28 years, and learn something entirely new, which is overwhelmingly difficult…but despite logic, it just felt, to me, like I was a horrible person.

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There is a lot more detail I could go into on this one, and part of me feels like I should, but most of me is just having a really hard time writing this, because I am massively sick and it’s messing with my brain something awful…so before I make this really weird or incoherent (I’m really just hoping I haven’t done that already), I’m going to end it. Sorry, guys; this might have been a good one, but I just don’t have it in me at all right now. Damn illness…

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most inexplicable thing you’ve ever witnessed?”)

Q&A: Breakup

The one hundred-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What has been your most difficult breakup?”

Well, I think I’ve mentioned this enough times that I don’t need to go into any real detail about it again, so my last real breakup, from the boyfriend I was with for 3 years. It’s funny, because as I write this, I actually can’t remember at all how much I’ve said about what actually happened, but I’m pretty sure I’ve outlined it all at one point or another, and even if I haven’t, I don’t think it’s super important that I do at this point, so I’ll leave it at that.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When were you the least virtuous?”)

Q&A: Deserving

The ninety-fourth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who most deserves your love?”

This is a hard one for me, because I don’t think my love is something super special that people need to be deserving of, so it’s hard to say that I think anyone in particular does or does not “deserve” it. But because I do understand what this question is trying to get at, I guess I would have to say that my son most deserves my love.

Generally, I would say those who have been loyal and kind to me would be deserving of my love, and it can’t really be proven that my son has been especially loyal to me since he’s kind of stuck with me at this age, but I think everything else about him and our relationship kind of overrides that fact, in his case. He has been nothing but a wonderful child ever since he was born; he is sweet, generous, thoughtful, loving, intelligent, funny and loves to make people smile…and he’s madly in love with me. Who could be more deserving than that? 🙂

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So, there you have it. My lovely son most “deserves” my love, though I still hate to even be saying anything like that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the hardest thing to forgive?”)

Q&A: Painful

The ninety-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”

If it wasn’t already quite obvious, through what I’ve posted before, I’ve been through a lot of shit when it comes to relationships. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been raped, I’ve been abused in more ways than one…it’s good times. But honestly, the most painful thing a lover has ever done to me is not something on that list. The most painful thing was being used…and not just used, but thrown away after, like I was never worth anything the entire time.

I’ve talked about it before, but my ex-boyfriend left me the day before my birthday, because I had the gall to stick up for my 4 year old son when my ex said “bite me” to him. That day, and the weeks that followed it, were the most painful time of my life, not so much because of the loss of him, but because of what it meant. He threw me away not because of what I said, but because I was no longer of any use to him.

See, when I met him, he guilted and pressured me into sex too early, and that should have been my first warning sign of what was to come. I should have seen, then, the path we were going down, because I made it very clear to him in our first conversations that I wasn’t comfortable talking about (and definitely wasn’t comfortable performing) sex early on, and I needed to be with someone who could understand and respect that, and get to know and love me for me before anything sexual happened. He told me he could do that, but followed it up with comments about how he’d been with his ex for two years and never had sex with her the entire time because she was scared of it, and he “hoped” he wouldn’t “have to do that again”.

Much later, I found out that that wasn’t even true; that they had had sex and done other sexual things during their relationship, and that during that time he had also had sex with a friend of his (who he was strictly using for sex, since he knew she was in love with him but he wouldn’t be with her romantically – another red flag I should have given more weight to), but even if that wasn’t the case, he still immediately disrespected what I told and asked of him, by not only guilting me about that right out the gate, but attempting to initiate sex on our second date. Looking back, I’m not sure why I ever saw him again after that since it upset me so much afterwards…but what’s done is done.

After that, he very quickly went from ‘guy who loves his job, has a car and is moving out to his own place soon’ to ‘guy who hates his job and wants desperately to do something else, but can’t because he has too much school debt from taking courses his mother wanted him to take, because she told him he would never be good enough to do what he really wanted…has a car that is falling apart and needs major repairs, and is moving out to a place he can’t afford whatsoever’. But I was too wrapped up in him by that point to see how terrible that was going to be for me, so instead of ending things, I tried to do everything I could to ‘save’ him. I tried to help him get a different job; one that had more hours, better pay and could provide some consistency to his life…I bought him food when he didn’t have enough for even a loaf of bread, I paid his rent, I paid for his car repairs, and after a few months, I let him move in with me, because he was drowning in all the things he couldn’t afford, and it was more financially reasonable for me to just let him live with me than to pay two rents. So he moved in with me and my son’s father.

From there, my son’s father moved out (we had agreed to live together for the first year of my son’s life, then part ways), and I gave him the money and help he needed so he could go to school for what he said he’d always wanted to study. When he was in school, he couldn’t work much (and the second year, did not work at all), so I had to support all of us, which led to me working ridiculous hours, almost every day of the week, to afford to pay for everything. Throughout that time, I also tried to help him with the relationships he had with people in his life, primarily his mother, and tried to give him the emotional support and love he needed to get through, which he claimed he wasn’t getting from anyone else.

When he was done school, he had a hard time finding a job, so again, I supported us. When he finally got one, I thought things were going to get better…but instead, he wound up hating that job, and his hatred combined with the health issues he had developed over the course of our years together, led to me spending all my free time trying to find ways to make things better and easier for him.

After a while, he managed to get another job that he liked much better, and that paid well enough for him to support himself. I got him a 3D printer for his birthday, so he was able to make all of the little creations he’d always dreamed of, and he was ecstatic about that. Things really seemed like they were starting to get better, and I thought maybe, just maybe, we might be okay. His health was still bad, but we were managing it, and everything else was coming together.

And then that fight happened, and it was all over. He just left. Looking back now, it’s no surprise; he didn’t need me anymore, so at the first opportunity to get out, he did. He has since spent his time telling others that I forced him into doing what he did in school (because in the end, he was laid off from his job a few months after he left me, and couldn’t find other work in the field) and that his true passion was the same thing he told me his mother had forced him to do. He’s also told people I abused him, and that I put him in the bad position he ended up in, by taking money from him that wasn’t fair to take (which was actually just money that he owed me, and wasn’t even a third of what he really would have owed me had I charged him for everything I paid out in our time together). God knows what else he’s said, but after everything I did and went through for him, I am, of course, the bad guy. And I know now that he will never see it any other way, as I have been informed that he’s just continued in a similar pattern with the girl he’s with now.

So, that was the most painful thing a lover ever did to me. Used me, then left me like I was worth nothing, and in the most painful way possible, because I was no longer of any use to him…and then continued the pattern with the next girl. 3 years of my life spent trying to help someone and make them happy, and it turned out he never actually wanted me, all along.

But that’s what I’m best at, I guess. I am nothing if not useful, at least for a little while. And I am, above all things, extraordinarily disposable. I’m pretty sure that part will always be true.

Sorry for the lack of gifs in this post…it just didn’t seem fitting. That’s all for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who most deserves your love?”)

Q&A: Confession

The ninety-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What’s the most difficult confession you’ve ever had to make?”

Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and come up with a few confessions I’ve had to make that were difficult, but I’m not sure which would have been the most difficult, because due to my fear of confrontation, I find pretty much all confessions almost impossible. 😛 Confessions that stand to hurt someone else are certainly the hardest for me, in general, so I’m sure the answer would be one of those….but I’m not sure which.

Perhaps telling someone who really, really loved me that there was just no way we were ever going to be together, because I didn’t feel the same…I’ve had to do that a couple of times, and it’s been really hard. I know how much it hurts to hear that someone you love doesn’t love you, so I just can’t stand making others feel that way, but sometimes it has to happen…so yeah, I don’t know if that’s the absolute most difficult, but those times would certainly be up there. And I’m going to leave it at that, because I feel really egotistical now.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”)

Q&A: Needs

The ninety-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the person most sensitive to your needs?”

Well, this might be the easiest question yet, and the answer is exactly what you’re probably expecting, since I’ve answered similar questions in the same way before: My wonderful boyfriend. I know, I know, I go on about him on this blog, but he really is the best answer to questions like this! I have never met anyone in my entire life as in tune with me and my needs as he is. He fulfills every one, and he does so with either a smile on his face or an expression of genuine empathy and concern, and always with endless patience.

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I’m sure previous questions have made it very clear that he fulfills my needs sexually, but he also fulfills them socially, and he is so sensitive to my mental and emotional needs that he can often identify when there’s something going on with me (and even, sometimes, exactly what it is) before I have even fully realized that there is. He is so incredibly observant it’s unbelievable, to the point that he can notice the slightest difference in my mind or mood immediately when it happens, and he knows when to be concerned and push, and when to let it go. He has been able to figure out problems for me that I didn’t even know I had, when I’ve been feeling upset but don’t know why, and he always knows exactly what to do to make me feel better – and when to do that versus when to just hold me and let me grieve.

I truly never thought it was possible to find someone so sensitive to me and my needs, and who could make everything feel so safe and seamless. I never have to worry about him getting angry with me because I’m upset, I never have to feel alone when something is wrong (even when I try to pull away, he knows just how to bring me back, and he always does), he has more patience than anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m just so lucky that he is so sweet, caring and empathetic. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m so grateful for having him.

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So, yeah. My boyfriend is most definitely the answer for this one, and I love him with all my heart for that. 🙂

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What’s the most difficult confession you’ve ever had to make?”)

Q&A: Life

The eighty-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most interesting kind of life to lead?”

A life free of fear.  If you could live life fearlessly, you could do anything. I don’t mean being naive or ignorant and living beyond your means (so I guess in that sense, financial security/freedom would also be beneficial), but within reason and/or if you had the resources to do what you wanted, being free of fear would allow you to experience so many different and wonderful things, and I can’t think of much that would be more rewarding than that.

I mean, just imagine it: Every day is full of possibilities for someone without fear. They’re not afraid to be themselves, to meet people, to go out and dance in the street if they want to, to try new foods, to take a few days off and just disappear to somewhere they’ve never been, to love whoever they want without worrying about rejection, to be passionate about things, to just….really live. When I talk about an “interesting” lifestyle, I always picture those people who are always off on some new and fantastic adventure, trying something I could only dream of, and they just seem so happy.

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Honestly, that’s the kind of life I want. I want to face all my fears by jumping into them headfirst, and just finally start experiencing things. My boyfriend is very much the adventurous type, and I can’t wait to experience everything I can with him. I hope we are someday in a position that will allow us to travel, so he can teach me to do all the things he does already, and so we can find new experiences that he hasn’t had, and try those together. I will be afraid; that much I know for sure…but I hope someday I won’t be. I want to have things to do, stories to tell, and adrenaline rushing through my veins. I’ve never felt more alive than I have since I met my boyfriend and started trying things with him that I was afraid of, and I feel like if I can keep that up, my life will not only be a thousand times more satisfying, but probably also healthier..and definitely happier.

So, a life without fear; that’s the life for me. It would definitely be much more interesting than the life I’ve led thus far!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Where would you most hate to be pierced?”)

Q&A: Naive

The eighty-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What have you been most naive about?”

This is another of those questions that I feel like I should have a different and/or better answer for, but because I can’t think of what that answer should be, I’m going to go with the answer that came to mind first: My relationships. Not all of them, but most, unfortunately, and most certainly the last one. I have overlooked some major things, in the past, in the hopes that a relationship would work out in the end, and I’ve allowed people to treat me in some pretty horrible ways because I thought they loved me.

I feel really stupid when I look back on all of it now, because it’s so easy to see how I was being used, manipulated and lied to, but at the time, I was just so sure that these people loved me, that they wanted the same things I did and we were working together to get there, and that all the problems were mine, and if I was just better, everything would be okay. So yeah, pretty damn naive and blinded.

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I feel like I could (and perhaps should) go into more detail, but really, what it comes down to is that if people do the right things, I seem to believe they love me no matter how poorly they treat me…and now, when someone is finally treating me right, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how he could actually love me. Fun times all around! 😛 I think that’s enough for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most interesting kind of life to lead?”)

Q&A: Being Poor

The eighty-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the poorest you’ve ever been?”

Well, I guess the poorest I’ve ever been would technically be when I was living off of student loans, with no actual income, so all of my ‘money’ was debt…but because that feels like a cop-out answer, I’m going to say it was with my last boyfriend, in the first 2.5 years of our relationship.  He moved in with me only a few months into our relationship, because he had nowhere else to go (he was living with someone, but the house was a sty and he couldn’t afford the rent), and a few months later, he began attending school.  Because of the hours he had to put in at school, he couldn’t work much (and in his second year, he couldn’t work at all), so in order to support myself, him and my young son, I had to work 16 hours a day just to get by (and pay down loans he had). If I worked any less than that, we would have risked going into debt, so it was pretty much constant work on both our parts (in one way or another), just to squeak by.

So that’s probably when I was at my poorest, legitimately, which I have to say I am rather grateful for, because it certainly could have been much worse. I hope I am never that poor – and definitely hope I am never worse off than that – again.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What have you been most ignorant about in your life?”)

Q&A: Spontaneity

The eightieth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most spontaneous you have ever been?”

I’m not normally a very spontaneous person, though that’s something I’ve been hoping for a long time would change about me…so it’s hard for me to think of anything spontaneous I’ve really done at any point before the past 8 months or so. I say that because I have done a few spontaneous things with my current boyfriend, since I met him, so I can go into a few of those here…but I still feel like there must be something further back that would fit better here. I’m probably wrong, though.

Anyway, the spontaneity with regards to my current boyfriend started, actually, the first day I met him, almost exactly 8 months ago. I was home with my son, trying to figure out what we would do for the day and chatting online with him (the man who would become my boyfriend), when he suddenly invited me and my son to join him and his son for a picnic play-date at a local park. Now, usually I would have instantly said no to a request like that, because I’d never met the guy so I couldn’t be sure I’d want my son around him, because I had no time to mentally prepare for meeting someone new (it’s surprisingly hard and anxiety provoking for me), because at the time I had lost my voice to laryngitis, and some other reasons that aren’t coming to the front of my mind right now but I know I had…but he assured me that the loss of voice was no problem, and that that would be a silly reason not to meet, and the attitude he had, combined with the things we’d talked about and how comfortable with and drawn to him I’d felt since we first started chatting, led me to say yes.

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In the time between saying yes and actually getting to the park, I thought of backing out multiple times, but by that point I’d already told my son what we were doing and taken him to pick up new sand toys to play with at the beach (there was a small one at the park we were going to), and I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I went along with it anyway. So, spontaneous action #1, which led to an amazing picnic, 6 hours together playing with the kids, and a plan to take the kids out on the harbour the following Sunday.

After that, the spontaneity continued with him asking me, late on Monday night (we met on Sunday), to go for a walk with him at a lake I’d never even heard of before, a bit of a distance from my home. The friend I was with when he asked this of me thought I was crazy for considering going, but go I did, meeting him at midnight in a grocery store parking lot. We ended up walking all around the lake and surrounding neighbourhood until 3:30 am, talking.  Our first date was that following Thursday, and was once again a situation where he asked me last minute if I wanted to go out with him, and I just couldn’t pass it up.

A couple of weeks later, we’d seen each other almost (if not) every day, and it was at that point that we got to talking about his motorcycle, and how much it meant to him.  Up to that point, I’d been very afraid of motorcycles, but I could see how much he loved it, so when he suggested we go out for a ride that night, after I told him I’d be willing to try it sometime…well, as you can probably guess, I did. At midnight that night, I hopped on the back of his bike, and off we went for a spontaneous ride. We were gone two hours, at least, and it was just fantastic. I’ve loved the bike ever since.

There have been some other spontaneous situations with him since then, but those are the most notable to me, and certainly stick out far better than any spontaneous situations I may have had that didn’t involve him. And let me tell you; I regret absolutely none of those spontaneous decisions. They were some of the best decisions in my life, and I look forward to more in the future.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What was your most Freudian moment?”)

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