Tag Archive: Relationships


Q&A: Self-Confidence

The one hundred-thirteenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When did you have the weakest self-confidence ever?”

Oh, geez…this is a hard one for me. A whole bunch of answers pop into my head at once, and ranking them isn’t incredibly easy. When I really think about it, if you asked my friends when they thought I had the weakest self-confidence, I’m pretty sure their answers would be very different from the one I have to give here. Theirs would sound much more reasonable and logical than mine, but I do believe mine to be more accurate, based on how I actually felt.

See, it would stand to reason that the times I had the weakest self-confidence would be when I allowed myself to stay in abusive relationships, even after knowing they were abusive…and certainly, the last ‘relationship’ I was in would be a good contender in that regard…but I don’t think any of those were when my self confidence was the lowest. I think, in fact, that my self confidence was the lowest when I started to heal from those abuses, as odd as that might sound to say.

I’m not sure I really can (or even want to) explain why I feel that way in a way that will make sense, but what it comes down to is that when I finally got into a healthy, stable relationship with someone, who supported me and allowed me to be vulnerable to them…I got all kinds of fucked up. Apparently that’s a completely normal response to something like that, but at the time it really didn’t feel like it; it felt like I had finally found someone who loved and respected me and wanted to help me overcome my past, but that instead of being all I could be for them, I was a massive ball of anxiety and mental illness instead. The reason why makes sense; I was not at all used to having a healthy relationship and therefore had no idea how one would work, so I had to basically un-learn everything I had ever known about relationships for 28 years, and learn something entirely new, which is overwhelmingly difficult…but despite logic, it just felt, to me, like I was a horrible person.

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There is a lot more detail I could go into on this one, and part of me feels like I should, but most of me is just having a really hard time writing this, because I am massively sick and it’s messing with my brain something awful…so before I make this really weird or incoherent (I’m really just hoping I haven’t done that already), I’m going to end it. Sorry, guys; this might have been a good one, but I just don’t have it in me at all right now. Damn illness…

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most inexplicable thing you’ve ever witnessed?”)

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Q&A: Virtue

The one hundred-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When were you the least virtuous?”

Um, I really don’t know. Sometime during the course of one of my previous relationships, probably? I don’t really find myself to be an especially virtuous person, but at the same time, I don’t think I’m horribly immoral either, so it’s really hard to say. Nothing stands out, at the very least, as a time that I was particularly lacking in virtue. Maybe I’m the least virtuous right now! Yeah, I have no idea. Sorry for the relative lack of answer here!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What was the job you enjoyed least?”)

Q&A: Unattractive

The one hundredth (!) question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who was the least attractive person you were ever attracted to?”

I hate to say it, but this is a bit of a hard one for me, because when a relationship ends for me, once I get closure I tend to be completely incapable of finding that person attractive ever again. Not just “I don’t want to date you again”, but rather that I don’t really see what I found attractive about them in the first place. That is not all-encompassing, of course; usually we can remain friends, and I can see a lot of redeeming qualities in them (and some have so many that I will still “gush” about all their positive traits), but it certainly affects how I view them physically, because for me, physical attraction is largely based on my mental/emotional connection to an individual.

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That being said, there are a couple of people who popped to mind right away when I read this question, because the negative qualities that they had that broke us up are still quite apparent in them, to the point that I’m not sure how I ever “put up with” them, and of course, that makes them quite unattractive to me in the physical sense, as well. It is to the point, with a couple of them, that I just absolutely do not understand what I ever saw in them physically, because when I look closely at pictures of them now, I cannot find anything at all that I would be attracted to.

Now, I guess I should say that I have never dated anyone that I found unattractive before entering the relationship. My “tastes” are very broad, so I can find a large range of different types of people attractive, because again, it’s mostly based on personality for me anyway, so I found them all attractive when I was dating them. It’s just looking back on them now that makes me able to view them as unattractive.

But even though a couple of people came to mind when I read this question, there is only one person whose photos, if I see them, will consistently make me feel actively nauseous, and that’s the guy I very briefly dated before I met my current boyfriend. It’s kind of funny, because I’ve been in relationships where I have been raped, used and abused, yet I can still find those individuals more attractive than this guy. Why? Because he was a potentially very scary, and definitely very abusive jackass, who tried to manipulate me into believing he was otherwise (and that I was horrible), because he knew I would be vulnerable to that, given my history…and he let that show far too soon.

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When we first met, he seemed like the perfect guy; absolutely “too good to be true”…and he was. The first time I saw him, I found him physically attractive, and that only grew the more he shared with me, and the more I developed feelings for him, but through it all, I couldn’t shake this nasty little feeling of anxiety that I had about him. It was like he was saying and doing all the right things, and I knew I should trust him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually do so. Something was not right, and my gut knew it, but he kept convincing me that it was just the abuse from my past clouding my mind and making me doubt both him and myself. He kept assuring me he would never do those things, and that he didn’t know how anyone could. But still, I just couldn’t get comfortable with him.

In total, we only dated for about a month, and in that time, cracks had already started to show in who he claimed to be. He would get frustrated with me for not being able to make decisions that I had absolutely no basis with which to make, while he did, and he would push me into situations I was not comfortable with, like meeting my friends (which was a huge red flag for me; I’m usually very excited for my significant other to meet my friends, but in this case, I didn’t want him to at all, and kept trying to find ways to stop it from happening, even though I wasn’t quite sure why I didn’t want it…at least I did manage to lie my way out of him meeting my family), and then talk shit about those things (and my friends) later on. He preached “no judgment”, yet he constantly judged me and the people in my life, considering all of us to be “lesser than” because we weren’t as “worldly” as he was.

He also tried to diminish me by repeatedly pointing out things he liked or was interested in (activities, favourite foods, etc.), and talking about how disappointed he was that he wouldn’t get to enjoy those things because “I couldn’t” (because of fears, allergies, foods I disliked, whatever), even though in most of those situations, I tried and tried to get through to him that I wanted to try them. It didn’t matter what I said, or how much I genuinely wanted to try something (or could point out reasons he was wrong in saying I wouldn’t enjoy it, or modifications that could easily be made so I would); if it was something he really liked that he could find any way I might not like, he would essentially ban me from trying it so that he could continue to remind me of how much I was holding him back from the things he loved. Every weekend he visited, we had to have pizza, because he refused to cook for me because I “wouldn’t like what he likes” (even though he claimed to be a phenomenal cook) so it was “for my own good”, and made me very uncomfortable with the idea of cooking for him, because everything I liked was apparently so “bland”.

There were other red flags, as well, but the biggest thing really was how uncomfortable I felt with him, and how I very quickly stopped wanting him to come visit. I didn’t feel right about any of it, and I didn’t see how we could have any sort of future, but he kept telling me how good he was going to be for me, and how I was letting my anxiety hold me back, so because I didn’t want to do that, I stayed.

Then, on Canada Day, we went on a road trip to Six Flags, and that’s where it all fell apart completely. I won’t get into all the gory details, but suffice it to say, I almost had to find another way to get home, and his true colours really showed during that trip. I only made it back to Canada because I managed to convince him I still wanted to be with him, and that I was going to comply with doing the things he wanted to do…but once we were back, I dropped the act and told him “no” when he tried to force me to have sex with him instead of meeting my friend, who had cooked me dinner and was waiting for me (after already telling him no to his suggestion that he invite himself along), and that was the end of that. He was so pissed that I said “no” to him, that I never saw him again after that, aside from when we exchanged a couple of things we’d borrowed from one another (at which point I met him in the parking lot and didn’t even speak to him, because I wanted him to leave as quickly as possible). And I’m not sure I’d ever been happier than I was when I realized it was actually finally over.

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So, yeah. Too much, too soon, too scary, and I even got an infection (not an STI, to be clear :P) out of it in the end (which, of course, was all my fault according to him, even though the doctor said otherwise), and now, seeing pictures of him or thinking too much about what happened with him legitimately makes me feel like throwing up. I hate knowing he was in my life for even just as long as he was, and I think he’s the only person I’ve been with who I 100% wish I had never met. I know what I saw “in him”, but it wasn’t who he actually was, and who he actually is is by far the most unattractive person I’ve ever met. And that is all I’ll say about that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What has been your most difficult breakup?”)

Q&A: Painful

The ninety-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”

If it wasn’t already quite obvious, through what I’ve posted before, I’ve been through a lot of shit when it comes to relationships. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been raped, I’ve been abused in more ways than one…it’s good times. But honestly, the most painful thing a lover has ever done to me is not something on that list. The most painful thing was being used…and not just used, but thrown away after, like I was never worth anything the entire time.

I’ve talked about it before, but my ex-boyfriend left me the day before my birthday, because I had the gall to stick up for my 4 year old son when my ex said “bite me” to him. That day, and the weeks that followed it, were the most painful time of my life, not so much because of the loss of him, but because of what it meant. He threw me away not because of what I said, but because I was no longer of any use to him.

See, when I met him, he guilted and pressured me into sex too early, and that should have been my first warning sign of what was to come. I should have seen, then, the path we were going down, because I made it very clear to him in our first conversations that I wasn’t comfortable talking about (and definitely wasn’t comfortable performing) sex early on, and I needed to be with someone who could understand and respect that, and get to know and love me for me before anything sexual happened. He told me he could do that, but followed it up with comments about how he’d been with his ex for two years and never had sex with her the entire time because she was scared of it, and he “hoped” he wouldn’t “have to do that again”.

Much later, I found out that that wasn’t even true; that they had had sex and done other sexual things during their relationship, and that during that time he had also had sex with a friend of his (who he was strictly using for sex, since he knew she was in love with him but he wouldn’t be with her romantically – another red flag I should have given more weight to), but even if that wasn’t the case, he still immediately disrespected what I told and asked of him, by not only guilting me about that right out the gate, but attempting to initiate sex on our second date. Looking back, I’m not sure why I ever saw him again after that since it upset me so much afterwards…but what’s done is done.

After that, he very quickly went from ‘guy who loves his job, has a car and is moving out to his own place soon’ to ‘guy who hates his job and wants desperately to do something else, but can’t because he has too much school debt from taking courses his mother wanted him to take, because she told him he would never be good enough to do what he really wanted…has a car that is falling apart and needs major repairs, and is moving out to a place he can’t afford whatsoever’. But I was too wrapped up in him by that point to see how terrible that was going to be for me, so instead of ending things, I tried to do everything I could to ‘save’ him. I tried to help him get a different job; one that had more hours, better pay and could provide some consistency to his life…I bought him food when he didn’t have enough for even a loaf of bread, I paid his rent, I paid for his car repairs, and after a few months, I let him move in with me, because he was drowning in all the things he couldn’t afford, and it was more financially reasonable for me to just let him live with me than to pay two rents. So he moved in with me and my son’s father.

From there, my son’s father moved out (we had agreed to live together for the first year of my son’s life, then part ways), and I gave him the money and help he needed so he could go to school for what he said he’d always wanted to study. When he was in school, he couldn’t work much (and the second year, did not work at all), so I had to support all of us, which led to me working ridiculous hours, almost every day of the week, to afford to pay for everything. Throughout that time, I also tried to help him with the relationships he had with people in his life, primarily his mother, and tried to give him the emotional support and love he needed to get through, which he claimed he wasn’t getting from anyone else.

When he was done school, he had a hard time finding a job, so again, I supported us. When he finally got one, I thought things were going to get better…but instead, he wound up hating that job, and his hatred combined with the health issues he had developed over the course of our years together, led to me spending all my free time trying to find ways to make things better and easier for him.

After a while, he managed to get another job that he liked much better, and that paid well enough for him to support himself. I got him a 3D printer for his birthday, so he was able to make all of the little creations he’d always dreamed of, and he was ecstatic about that. Things really seemed like they were starting to get better, and I thought maybe, just maybe, we might be okay. His health was still bad, but we were managing it, and everything else was coming together.

And then that fight happened, and it was all over. He just left. Looking back now, it’s no surprise; he didn’t need me anymore, so at the first opportunity to get out, he did. He has since spent his time telling others that I forced him into doing what he did in school (because in the end, he was laid off from his job a few months after he left me, and couldn’t find other work in the field) and that his true passion was the same thing he told me his mother had forced him to do. He’s also told people I abused him, and that I put him in the bad position he ended up in, by taking money from him that wasn’t fair to take (which was actually just money that he owed me, and wasn’t even a third of what he really would have owed me had I charged him for everything I paid out in our time together). God knows what else he’s said, but after everything I did and went through for him, I am, of course, the bad guy. And I know now that he will never see it any other way, as I have been informed that he’s just continued in a similar pattern with the girl he’s with now.

So, that was the most painful thing a lover ever did to me. Used me, then left me like I was worth nothing, and in the most painful way possible, because I was no longer of any use to him…and then continued the pattern with the next girl. 3 years of my life spent trying to help someone and make them happy, and it turned out he never actually wanted me, all along.

But that’s what I’m best at, I guess. I am nothing if not useful, at least for a little while. And I am, above all things, extraordinarily disposable. I’m pretty sure that part will always be true.

Sorry for the lack of gifs in this post…it just didn’t seem fitting. That’s all for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who most deserves your love?”)

Q&A: Naive

The eighty-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What have you been most naive about?”

This is another of those questions that I feel like I should have a different and/or better answer for, but because I can’t think of what that answer should be, I’m going to go with the answer that came to mind first: My relationships. Not all of them, but most, unfortunately, and most certainly the last one. I have overlooked some major things, in the past, in the hopes that a relationship would work out in the end, and I’ve allowed people to treat me in some pretty horrible ways because I thought they loved me.

I feel really stupid when I look back on all of it now, because it’s so easy to see how I was being used, manipulated and lied to, but at the time, I was just so sure that these people loved me, that they wanted the same things I did and we were working together to get there, and that all the problems were mine, and if I was just better, everything would be okay. So yeah, pretty damn naive and blinded.

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I feel like I could (and perhaps should) go into more detail, but really, what it comes down to is that if people do the right things, I seem to believe they love me no matter how poorly they treat me…and now, when someone is finally treating me right, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how he could actually love me. Fun times all around! 😛 I think that’s enough for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most interesting kind of life to lead?”)

Q&A: Hard Love

The fifty-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the hardest thing about love?”

This question is very well timed, as this is something I’ve had to deal with a lot lately.  See, I’ve been in many relationships in my life, but as much as I’ve been through and as much as I’ve thought I loved people before, I never actually had to face how hard love really is until now…because I guess I never actually felt it.  I mean, I loved the people I was with before, to some degree, but considering how significantly different I feel in my current relationship, and how much it has already changed for me, I have to think that there’s probably a pretty good chance that I was never in love before.  Or maybe it’s just that this is the first healthy relationship I’ve had in a long time, if it can be argued that I ever had one before it at all, so I’ve had to approach it completely differently than I did my previous unhealthy relationships.

Either way, as I said, lately I’ve had to face the fact that real love is not easy, but not in the ways I had thought before.  In the past, I let a lot of bad things happen in my relationships, because I completely misunderstood what people meant when they said that love and relationships weren’t easy, and that good ones took work.  I took that to mean that they required sacrifice, which is true, but not in the ways that I was sacrificing myself in the past…and that because a good relationship is worth fighting for, that that excused any amount of actual fighting that went on, because obviously we wouldn’t fight if we didn’t care about each other, right?  Yeah.  I was very naive, for a very long time, and things got pretty bad because of it. I let things get way out of hand, and stayed in situations I logically knew better than to stay in, because I thought that I must love these people if I was willing to give up so much of myself for them.  What I failed to realize was that if the relationships had actually been healthy, I wouldn’t have had to give up myself.

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Anyway, what is the hardest thing about love?  Being vulnerable.  That’s not something I’m used to.  In the past, I never really felt vulnerable in any other sense than that I knew that the possibility existed that the people I loved (whether my partner, friends or family) could die (which was and is something that worries me a lot more than it probably should on a daily basis); otherwise, while I knew that my partner could leave me at any time, I never really thought that they would.  See, in my previous relationships, no matter  how dramatic or horrible they got, I felt a certain sense of security in them, because I knew those partners needed me (for one reason or another), so even if we weren’t happy, it was less likely for them to leave unexpectedly.  I also never really gave my whole heart to those relationships, both because they were never really my ‘idea’ (that is, I was not the pursuer, and in most cases I actually wasn’t even all that interested in the person in the beginning, I just gave it a shot because I knew it was what they wanted and I felt guilty) and because I was never really all that happy in them, so I didn’t ever worry about how much the loss of them would effect me until it was happening…at which point the upset I felt was more because of how much I had invested into the relationship (time, money, energy, etc.) and how much I hated that I felt that much further from finding someone to spend my life with, than it was because I was actually sad to lose the person.

Ultimately, I knew none of them were “the one” for me, as much as I wanted them to be so I could stop starting over in relationships all the time, so I guess I just never gave as much of myself emotionally as I could have had I actually been in love with any of them…though of course I didn’t know that that was the case until I met someone I actually did fall in love with, and could see the difference.  And the main difference, of course, is how vulnerable I have felt since being with him.  It’s been almost crippling, at times, to be honest…and without the amazing support provided to me by both my lovely boyfriend himself and the best friend anyone could ever ask for (Mike), I would have run away from this relationship long ago.  And that would be the single worst thing I could ever do to myself.

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See, I’ve been through several abusive relationships, on top of a childhood that was largely good but also extremely screwed up in some ways (and, as I’ve learned, was perhaps even more screwed up than I consciously remember), so as a result, I have developed a lot of fear.  Fear of being cheated on, fear of being abandoned, fear of being left for someone better, fear of being abused again, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of taking advantage of others, fear of being abusive, fear of not being good enough, fear of annoying people, fear of being too damaged, fear of disappointing my partner, fear of confrontation, etc., etc., etc…I could go on for days with the things I fear.  The thing is, I didn’t realize how afraid I actually was until I was given someone to love who treats me wonderfully, because the fear of losing him is by far the single greatest fear I have ever had in my life, and has stirred up all those other fears so much that it’s been almost suffocating at times.  And yes, I have tried to run, and I am not at all proud of that, but at the time I didn’t know what else to do, and I thought it would be for the best for him if I left. Luckily, as I mentioned, my incredible boyfriend and best friend both stepped up and helped me see how much I was self-sabotaging, and have helped me find methods to deal with that, so I can move through the process of healing myself enough that I won’t be so scared and feel so vulnerable all the time.

Because, y’know, I really have never felt this vulnerable in my life.  This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in where I feel like I’m the one who loves more, and who is most definitely the pursuer and the one more invested in the relationship, and that is absolutely terrifying.  I am so afraid of screwing this up that even the slightest idea that he could be annoyed with or mad at me fills me with anxiety, and it’s only now that I have realized just how non-confrontational I really am.  I hate fighting, I hate drama; I just want everything to be happy and loving all the time…and I know that’s not possible, and I can accept that, I just really don’t want to do anything to make him leave me, and I’m so very aware, in this relationship, of how real a possibility it is that he will.  Why?  Because he doesn’t need me, he wants me.  There is nothing I can do for him that he can’t do for himself, and it’s very hard for me to accept that, because that means he’s only with me because he wants to be, because I make him happy, and…that’s not something I have ever experienced before.  I don’t know how to be with someone that actually wants me, and respects and loves me for who I am.  It’s 100% foreign.

So it’s a hard process, training myself out of past thought patterns and into better, healthier ones, and I know I’m going to feel very vulnerable and very afraid for a long time, but I also know he loves me, and I know he’ll always be there for me, so…I can do it.  It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it is also absolutely the most rewarding, amazing experience of my life, and I have yet to spend a single moment with him in which I wasn’t completely aware of how much I love him.  He is the most incredible person I have ever met, and I can’t imagine ever going through, with him, the things I went through with others.  Hell, we haven’t even been mad at each other yet, because we talk everything out so well. I can only hope to be lucky enough to make that last.  He is so worth it, and I am so grateful to finally be in a healthy, happy relationship.  It is more amazing than I even imagined it would be.

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Sorry for the incredibly long answer!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the cruellest thing a person has ever said to you?”)

Q&A: Experience

The forty-ninth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the greatest life-forming experience you ever had?”

I don’t know if this really counts, since it’s not just one experience, it’s a series of experiences…but I’d have to say the past few months have certainly been packed with the greatest life-forming experiences I’ve ever had.  I’m a very different person now than I was before all of this, if I do say so myself, and it’s a very good thing.  It started with the ending of my last relationship, which threw me into a fit of self-improvement, then followed with what was largely a very negative situation with someone I met, but that did teach me some very valuable lessons and force me to step outside my comfort zone…which opened me up enough to fully embrace my new relationship, which comes with a variety of things I NEVER would have taken on in my life before, including *happily* facing some of my worst fears.  I feel happy, confident, and much less afraid now, and can actually see good things coming in the future…so my life is pretty much completely different from what it was a few months ago.  These things have formed life for me in ways I never imagined possible, and I am so happy that that has happened.

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A phoenix rising from the ashes…yep, that’s me.

But if I have to pick just one life-forming experience, not a series…it would be meeting Mike, because that has led to so many different things, both good and bad, and I would never be where I am today without that.  So, there you have it!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What subject would you most like to learn more about?”)

Q&A: Problematic

The twenty-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most difficult problem you’ve ever had to solve?”

Honestly, I think I’m still in the process of solving the most difficult problem I’ve ever encountered, and that’s because it’s not just one problem, it’s a series of problems that have been going on for the past few years.  I’m not going to get into too much detail on this one, because it involves personal details about someone else, but long story short, this individual and I have been very close over the past few years, and they have had significant problems in…pretty much every possible aspect of their life.

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It started with being cheated on right before I met them, the divorce of their parents, problems with employment and living situations, then even worse problems with employment, as well as with school, incredibly difficult problems in their family life, mental health issues, betrayal by their last remaining friend, and horrible health problems that have only become worse and worse over the years, and which we cannot seem to find a diagnosis for to even begin to correct them.  Add to that the fact that they are involved in some ‘drama’ that other individuals have caused in my life, and you’ve got a giant shit storm of issues, all at once.

I helped this person solve everything I could on that list, and even solved some of them entirely on my own for them, but there are still some (namely the health and family ones) that we are working through, and I absolutely hope we can solve them someday, as this person does not deserve all the pain they are going through.  So…each of those things on their own would have been difficult to solve, but solving them all at once?  That has been incredibly difficult.

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If this answer was supposed to be the single most difficult problem I have solved, then I really don’t know what it would be.  I tried to think of something, but everything I thought of didn’t seem significant enough, so maybe I just suck at solving things.  Oh!  I did manage to get two narcissists who were at each others’ throats to have a discussion once, and mediated it until they were able to come to peace with each other, and if you know anything about narcissists you know how difficult that is…so I’ll go with that.

…And I also managed to keep someone from killing himself, despite that even I could think of nothing that was going right enough in his life to give him a ‘reason to live’.  That sounds horrible, but you’d need to know this guy’s life to understand.

Anyway, I think that’s all I’ve got to say about this one, so there you have it!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When were you the strongest that you’ve ever had to be?”)

Q&A: Worth Dying For

The seventeenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What would you most readily die for?”

Well, that’s easy: My son.  But I would also die for someone I was in a romantic relationship with, if I was in love with them…perhaps even if I wasn’t, but definitely if I was.  …And my best friend (Mike).  There might be others, but I think they would be more situational, as horrible as that might sound.

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I guess, really, what it comes down to is that I would die for the people I’m not sure I could actually live without, and those whose lives I value above my own.

Without Mike, I would still have friends, but nothing like him.  He is a far better and closer friend to me than any I’ve had before him or since, and there is no part of me that believes that I would ever meet anyone as good as him again, if he was gone.  It’s just not possible.  I do hope someday to find someone I can spend the rest of my life in love with, and if that ever happens, I’m sure that person will be very close and dear to me, and I hope I will be able to share things with them and have their support as I do with Mike…but even if that does happen, I will still always need Mike.  He’s just…another part of me.

I can’t really explain our friendship, because sometimes it feels like it’s beyond friendship…though of course I don’t mean that it’s romantic or sexual, just…on a higher level, I guess.  I feel like Mike was meant to be in my life.  If he died, I don’t know if I could get through the days without him.  I really, honestly do not believe that I could.  I need to know he’s out there somewhere, even if we’re not talking.

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As for someone I was in love with…well, I’ve been in love before, and it’s something that is very important to me to find in my life.  The love I’ve had so far has been great, and with certain individuals quite strong, and I know that while I was with them, I would have been completely destroyed if anything had ever taken them from me so permanently.  It’s one thing to break up, and know that person goes on living in the world; it’s another entirely to know that they are gone, forever, and that you will never get to speak to or see them again.  I’m not sure I could handle that.  I’m not built for loss.

Take that and multiply it by the strength of the love I would have for someone I felt strongly enough for to be willing to marry them, and you have another person who, like Mike, I’m not sure I could live without.  I know it’s kind of weird for me to say this without actually having a person in my life romantically, but it’s just something I know about myself.  I don’t know how people go on after their spouse dies.  I really don’t.

I can't imagine this not being the case.

I can’t imagine this not being the case.

Then you have my son, and…well, I think it should be pretty obvious why I’d die for him.  He is literally a part of me, he’s my little clone, and he embodies all of the hope I have for the future.  He is a phenomenal child, with so much potential, who brightens the lives of others just by being in their presence, and one of the biggest fears I have is that he will die.  Oddly, considering what I’ve said about the others, I feel like if he died I would have to go on living, to attempt to bring to the world all the things I know he could have…but I’m not sure I could.  It would take a hell of a lot of strength that I don’t know how I’d have without him, since he saved my life by being born…and I’m fairly certain that even if I did manage to go on without him, the rest of my life would be lived on autopilot.

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Without a second’s thought, I would die for any of those people.  I have actually thrown myself into the path of danger to protect my son before, and I’ll do it again, if need be.  He needs to live.  It’s simply the truth.  He’s got something very important to bring to this world…I don’t know yet what it is, but I know he does.  And if I have to die for that, I will.

So there you have it.  I would readily die for anyone I couldn’t live without (which so far seems to be two people), and would most readily die for my son.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What would you most like more sympathy for?”)

Q&A: Self-love

The sixteenth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When do you love yourself most?”

I am disproportionately excited about this question, and have been since I saw it was coming up.  I’m pretty sure the reason why is because this may be the first time ever that I’ve had an actual answer for this question, so it’s just absolutely perfect that it came up now.  I remember answering this with “never” in previous years when my friends and I went through this book, and up until a few weeks ago, I probably would have said the same, but that’s no longer true.  I’ve recently realized that I’m kind of awesome sometimes, and I am incredibly glad to have had that revelation.

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So, when do I love myself most?  When I let myself be completely, unapologetically myself, and especially when I do so despite how others feel about me, or are trying to make me feel about myself.  I’ve spent the majority of my life letting myself be taken down by others and their views of me, letting their bad moods tear me apart, and believing what they said about me even when it simply didn’t add up and I knew, logically, that their words were untrue.  I let other people define who I was, even if that wasn’t how I felt, and I took their comments to heart far more than I should have.

I suppose that explains why I have a penchant for staying in abusive relationships; I truly believed that I was not good enough to do any better, and that I must be all of the things they said I was, so I just had to be better.  No matter how much I gave, no matter how much I did, no matter how much I loved, it was not good enough, and it was all my fault; I had to do better, and I had to be someone else if I wanted anyone to love me.

That, my friends, was complete bullshit.  And it is no longer who I’m going to  be or how I’m going to live my life.

I am so much more than what those people made of me, and I can be even more than that.  I may not know what’s out there for me, and I may not know what I’ll become, but I’ll tell you right now, it’s a whole hell of a lot more than what I am right now.  I can do things, and I will.  It’s just a matter of figuring out how to take those first few steps.  But it will come.  I know it will.

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Yes, I am indeed burdened with glorious purpose.

…Kinda got off track there a little bit, for a moment.  Sorry about that.

As I said, I love myself most when I let myself be myself, and that comes easiest to me when I let myself get totally lost in music or movies.  Those are my two greatest passions in life, so I find if I’m feeling bad, especially about myself, or if someone has brought me down, I just head off to a movie, or put on my headphones and get lost in music, and I’m fine again.  The music works best because it leads to me dancing and singing like an idiot, which makes me laugh at myself, and absolutely not care what other people think of me…and I love myself, then.  I know I’m fun, I know I’m ridiculous, and I know someone will someday appreciate that in me as much as I appreciate it in myself.

I am not as little as I let myself believe, or let others tell me, and I’m going to be completely awesome someday, all because I’m going to finally let myself!  And I’m not going to let others bring me down anymore.  I love that about myself too.

I guess really, when it comes down to it, I love myself most right now.  When I’m letting myself love myself.  When I’m seeing my own worth, and what I have to offer, and what I can do.  I feel completely full, and I never want to feel any less than that, ever again.  I’m going to end this now before I get repetitive!

And this is, quite simply, how it happened.  It just *did*.

And this is, quite simply, how it happened. It just *did*.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What would you most readily die for?”)

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