Tag Archive: The Host (novel)


Alright, so obviously plans have changed again, and I’m posting just the chapter 5 review for today…which is actually a shortened version of my original one, because I was intending to use it as part of a larger post that encompassed a few chapters, but it’ll have to do because I am not going to go back and try to rewrite everything I cut out of it ūüėõ ¬†From now on, since plans keep changing, I’m just going to go ahead and say I don’t¬†have¬† a plan, and post whatever makes the most sense at the time based on where Mike and I both are. ¬†So without further ado, chapter 5!

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Chapter 5, I must admit, was not actually all that horrible.¬† It was boring, for sure, but there was far less whining than in previous chapters, so that helped.¬† I still like Edward better than anyone else in this book, though, and I’m not sure how to feel about that given what I’ve heard about their relationship as the story progresses‚Ķbut anyway, enough about me.

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The chapter starts with Bella all starry eyed because Edward asked her to go to Seattle with him, which makes her late for class, because if she is not embarrassed at least a few times in every chapter, this just wouldn’t be Twilight.¬† She goes on about Mike again for a while, and how she’s still going to go on his beach trip because she feels bad for turning him down‚Ķthough why the hell anyone would want to take a trip to the beach when temperatures are only in the high forties, I don’t know.¬† But hey, this is a guy with a crush on Bella, so I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised that he doesn’t have the smartest inclinations.

Annnd then we’re back to unhealthily obsessing over Edward, but at least this time something comes of it; Edward invites Bella over to eat lunch with him, since he’s decided to sit apart from his family for once.¬† Ooooh.¬† When she joins him, they have a bunch of awkward and seemingly pointless conversation wherein Edward makes vague references to stealing her away from her friends because he’s given up on having self-restraint, despite that she’s been such a bitch to him‚Ķand she tries to get him to agree that they are friends, which he finally does after some weird back and forth, during which he warns her again how bad he is for her. ¬†Yeah, we get it.

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I kind of like the sarcastic undertones that Meyer sprinkles throughout this exchange, but I still don’t feel like this is building up to a pairing that I, as the reader, would support or ‘hope for’.¬† So far, Edward seems a bit too cocky and arrogant to be as attractive as everyone seems to think he is, and Bella seems too weak and bitchy to be attractive to someone who is viewed as highly as Edward is, so I just don’t buy them together.¬† I don’t feel chemistry between them during this conversation, and I feel like I should; the sarcasm should have felt a lot more flirtatious than it did.¬† As it was, it just kind of felt like they were both repeatedly annoyed/offended by one another.

Anyway, the conversation goes on even more pointlessly, as Bella tries to figure out if he’s a superhero (oh god) and passive aggressively calls him on being a frustrating hypocrite, and then Bella eventually switches back into bitch mode as she asks him to ‘do her a favour’ and let her know next time he’s going to ignore her ‘for her own good’.¬† And then we’re back to the fucking superhero shit again, which normally wouldn’t bother me but it goes on for way too long, before Bella finally realizes that Edward was serious when he told her he was dangerous.

She doesn’t feel afraid of that, though (of course), so that conversation pretty much ends there, and then Bella heads off to class alone, since Edward is so badass that he’s decided to skip.¬† And I shit you not, all of that was 8.5 pages, and there are still 15.5 pages to go, just of this chapter.¬† Shoot me now.

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Half a page later Bella gets to class, where her teacher hands out blood typing kits to each of the students, and shows them how to test for their blood type by using Mike as his example.¬† We quickly learn that Bella can’t handle the sight of blood, as she begins to get nauseous and dizzy as soon as Mike’s finger is pricked, and I get the feeling that Meyer thinks she’s really clever for giving Bella this phobia, but Meyer, seriously, this is fucking lame.¬† Unless this becomes a big plot point at some point later in the book, this is just stupid (and even if it did, it would need to be an incredibly fucking interesting point to be worth all this shit), and we really didn’t need pages devoted to showing us just how phobic Bella is, and how embarrassed she is about it.

But, of course, that’s exactly what we get; Bella feels faint, her teacher has Mike take her to the nurse, but she stops on the way there and asks to sit down for a bit, and of course, Edward shows up.¬† Y’know, because when you ditch class you definitely stay on school property; that’s just the best idea! Edward steals Bella away from Mike, despite both Mike and Bella’s pathetic arguments, and teases her about her phobia as he carries her to the nurse.

Once there, we get the usual scene you see when someone goes to the nurse for something entirely uninteresting, Bella tries to be funny but fails, Edward expresses concern for her, they briefly discuss Mike, and then Edward reveals that when he skips class, all he does is sit in his car listening to music.¬† Riiiiiight.¬† Fuck, Meyer, didn’t I tell you to fuck off with the convenience crap when we were still on The Host??

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When the nurse comes back, Bella is suddenly cured‚Ķand because Meyer didn’t listen to me when I just fucking said to stop with the convenience bullshit, someone else is brought in so she can easily leave.¬† The boy who’s brought in, though, is apparently bleeding, because Edward tries to protect Bella from it but she says she can smell it anyway‚Ķwhich surprises Edward, because apparently people can’t smell blood.¬† Um, what?¬† Yes they can.¬† I can, anyway, and I’m pretty sure I’m not as special as we’re clearly supposed to think Bella is for being able to smell it.

Anyway, Mike comes out and seems displeased that Bella is doing better, they have some boring chatter about the weekend, then he leaves, reminding Bella that she has gym class‚Ķwhich is obviously just the worst thing ever.¬† But surprise of surprises, Edward can save her from that too! So he does. I’m not going to get into how since it really shouldn’t have taken a page to do, but either way, they’re both free to go, since Edward is going to take her home because he is such a perfect gentleman.

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They leave the office and amazingly enough, Bella actually manages to thank Edward for what he’s done for her without also being a bitch! Then they talk about whether Edward is going to the beach with the group or not, which of course he isn’t because he’s a sparkly vampire (oops, spoiler alert; I meant to say because he “doesn’t belong in the same world“‚Ķugh), but it does give Bella the opportunity to say “Mike-schmike“, which is both really fucking stupid and a lovely offensive remark against Mike, who has been nothing but nice to her.¬† I’ll say it again, Bella: You are a total bitch.

Bella tries to go to her truck, but Edward won’t let her because he’s supposed to drive her home‚Ķwhich leads to an entire page of them arguing over whether she can drive home or not, even though we all knew that in the end, she’d go with him anyway, so we really didn’t need all this filler.¬† Yet again.

Bella decides that if she’s going to have to go with him, she might as well sulk and be completely immature about it, because that’s fucking attractive (seriously; she is not acting like a girl with a crush at all, despite that she supposedly has one), but then she recognizes the music he’s playing, and decides that’s a good enough reason to drop her act before she’s even started it.¬† Okay, sure.

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They drive for a while, then Edward starts asking her about her mom, which depresses her, so they start talking about how old she is.¬† Edward says she doesn’t seem seventeen, and it seems we’re supposed to believe that Bella comes off as much older than she is to the people who know her, but I find that incredibly fucking hard to believe given what an immature, spoiled brat she is.

Well, someone has to be the adult.

Really, Bella?¬† You think YOU’RE the adult, as compared to your parents?¬† What the unholy fuck?!

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Edward asks her why her mother married Phil, which seems to be kind of a stupid question, but Bella answers anyway, so they discuss whether or not Bella is happy about the marriage‚Ķall so we can be reminded – yet a-fucking-gain – of how ‘generous’ and ‘selfless’ Meyer’s characters are.¬† Uggggh.

They end up on the topic of whether or not Edward is scary, and Bella responds saying something that almost sounds flirty but I guess is not, and then they get on to talking about Edward’s adoption and the death of his birth parents.¬† Tragic.¬† I feel like I should care a lot more than I do.

Bella tries to bring up Edward’s siblings, but he says he has to go, then reveals that he won’t be in class the next day because he’s going hiking.¬† He asks Bella to be careful not to get hurt, so she responds sarcastically and slams the door – because remember, she is “the adult” – and then Edward drives off, and that is the end of chapter 5.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

Why can’t this book get any better?¬† Why am I hating these characters and their interactions more and more with every page?¬† Why is none of this believable?¬† Why did this book get such rave reviews, and why did I think it was going to be better than The Host?¬† Why did I ever decide to read this crap?

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Okay, so we start with Bella’s dream about Edward, which is nothing more than her chasing him as he walks away from her in darkness.¬† Exciting.¬† After that first dream, she has similar dreams about him almost every night, and then Meyer changes the subject back to how hard Bella’s life is again.¬† Yay.

The month after the accident is generally crap because people are paying attention to her and she hates people caring OR not caring about her, and because Tyler is always trying to make amends with her, which is just soooooo annoying.¬† Tyler following her around makes Mike and Eric jealous, so clearly her circle of swoony guys is growing, so we’ll undoubtedly get to hear even more whining about all the unwanted attention she gets as the book goes on.

Bella tries to turn all the attention onto Edward, which seems like a terrible idea given his disposition, but luckily no one pays much attention to her attempts because they didn’t see Edward until the van had been pulled away, and somehow that meant his contribution wasn’t important.¬† She wonders why no one else noticed where Edward had actually been standing before the accident happened, then realizes that no one else is as obsessed with him as she is, which is super pathetic‚Ķand yes, dear, it is.

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Bella is jealous of Edward for the fact that everyone continues to avoid him, as they did before, instead of falling over themselves to talk to him as they are with her‚Ķand she’s also displeased that he no longer looks at her or acknowledges her presence when they’re in class together; instead sitting as far away from her as possible.¬† She decides that his disposition toward her must mean that he wishes he hadn’t saved her life, because “no other conclusion” makes more sense than that.¬† Yeah, that’s not super emo or anything.

We go back in time slightly to the day after the accident, when Bella finally realized that she probably shouldn’t be pissed at Edward for not telling her all his secrets when he JUST SAVED HER LIFE, and we see how when she tried to talk to him in class, he gave her no response beyond a nod.¬† That seems a pretty reasonable reaction, to be fair; she didn’t try to apologize for being an ungrateful little bitch, she just tried to say hi, so why should he feel like engaging in conversation with her?

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Back in the ‘present’, Bella watches Edward creepily from a distance, but when they’re in class she pretends to ignore his presence the way he does to her, because that’s obviously the mature thing to do when you’ve wronged someone and should be apologizing.¬† She keeps dreaming of him and being miserable, and her depression over Edward is so apparent that her mother can tell something’s wrong through email, so she calls a bunch (which, of course, Bella doesn’t like).

Once again, though, why does Bella refer to her mother as “Renee”?¬† These people are her parents; there’s no reason why she should be referring to them by their first names when she’s thinking about them.¬† Her relationship with her mother is definitely supposed to be good, so this just feels awkward.

Then we’re back to Mike, and how happy he is that Bella and Edward no longer seem to communicate, because it means his imaginary chances with her were not spoiled by Edward saving her life.¬† He grows more confident and bold, ignoring Edward, and then we get into a bunch of pointless blather about how disappointed he is about not getting to have his snowball fight, but how happy he is that they’ll get to go to the beach soon.¬† Who the fuck cares?

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As if this chapter wasn’t inane enough, the next couple of pages are nothing but talk about some stupid girls’ choice dance, and how Jessica wants to invite Mike, which Bella is fine with since she’s not going.¬† She thinks because Jess doesn’t try very hard to convince her to go, it means she likes her more for her popularity than her company, which is fucking stupid because Jess was one of the first people to pay attention to her anyway, before she became popular, and because it`s incredibly fucking obvious that Jess isn`t going to push her on going because she wants Mike to say yes to her, so she sure as hell doesn`t want Bella there when she knows Mike will want to be with Bella instead.¬† Why Bella needs to turn everything into a “woe is me, no one really likes me for me” whine fest, I don’t know, but here we are yet a-fucking-gain.

The next day, Jessica is quiet and avoids Mike, who is also quiet, so we all know what happened, but Meyer feels the need to draw it out anyway.¬† Mike and Bella get into the expectedly awkward conversation about Jess asking him, and how he wants to go with Bella instead, which she should have fucking expected since she knew he had feelings for her, so why she feels the need to make him SAY he wants to go with her, I don’t know‚Ķbut of course she does, then feels guilty about it and tells him he should go with Jess.

He asks if she already asked someone and she tells him no, then lies about having to go to Seattle that day and presses him on saying yes to Jess.¬† He decides she’s right and leaves, and then class starts, with Edward for some reason staring at Bella now with a frustrated look on his face.¬† Man, I am so bored.

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Bella stares back at Edward until the teacher calls on him to answer a question and he looks away (apparently reluctantly, though of course that’s what Bella would want to believe), at which point Bella looks down and hides her face so he can’t see how emotional his staring at her has made her. She actually realizes that the amount of influence Edward has over her is unhealthy, yet I highly doubt that’s going to make anything about their relationship healthier in the future, or that Meyer will ever acknowledge again that it’s really not healthy, so I’m not going to get my hopes up here.

Bella tries to ignore Edward for the rest of class, but then at the end, when she’s getting ready to go, Edward tries to get her attention.¬† She has to fight her swooniness over his voice and “too-perfect face” when she looks at him, but when she finally responds, she does so in a bitchy way again, snapping at him as she asks if he’s speaking to her again.¬† God, Bella, you’re such an idiot; you owe him an apology, yet he’s seeking you out, and you’re totally in love with him and want him to talk to you, but when he does you act like a petulant child again?¬† Wtf?

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Edward is amused by her childishness, which annoys her all the more, so she asks him what he wants and he apologizes to her for not talking to her, saying it’s for the best if they’re not friends, but that he’s aware that he’s being rude.¬† Yep, he is definitely way more of an adult than she will ever be.

The bitchiness escalates as Bella tells him it’s too bad he didn’t figure out that they shouldn’t be friends earlier so he could have saved himself the ‘regret’ of having saved her, which is just ungrateful and emo and fucking annoying all over again, and shocks Edward to even hear.¬† She tells him she knows he regrets it, which understandably angers him because she’s presuming to know his feelings and STILL BEING UNGRATEFUL (she still has yet to truly thank him or apologize), so he tells her she doesn’t know anything, which causes her to turn away and storm off.¬† Oh, fuck you, Bella.

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Luckily she trips on the doorjamb and drops everything as she goes to leave the room, so there is some justice in the world, but instead of laughing at her like she might deserve, Edward simply goes and stacks all the books she dropped and hands them to her.  Is she finally grateful?  No, she thanks him icily and storms off again without looking back.  Wow.  Just fucking wow.  Why is anyone interested in her again?  Edward really should regret saving her by this point.

Next we’re off to gym, where Bella apparently can’t stand up straight because they’re playing basketball, even though she’s never given the ball, and I’m left wondering whether Meyer really wanted us to like Bella or not.¬† She’s such a pathetic, annoying character that I’m starting to think she didn’t, but I can’t understand why she would write a character we weren’t mean to connect with or at least feel sympathy for.¬† I have yet to find a reason why I would ever want to read even the rest of this book, nonetheless the rest of the series, if I didn’t have to‚Ķ

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Anyway, yeah, Bella sucks at gym and blames it on thinking about Edward even though she sucked at gym before she met Edward, and thinking of things other than her balance should not cause her to lose her balance…and then she rushes out to her truck, which we get a brief damage assessment on before she finds Eric leaning against it. Unsurprisingly (for me, anyway; apparently Bella is surprised), Eric is there to see if she wants to go to the dance with him, so she turns him down, using the same excuse as she used on Mike.

Eric leaves, and Bella hears Edward laugh as he passes in front of her truck, which ignites her anger again, so she jumps into her truck and pulls out in just enough time to be cut off by his car.  He blocks off the path out of the school as he waits for his family, annoying Bella even further as traffic piles up behind her, and then Tyler, who was in the car behind her, comes up to her truck and knocks on the window.  Who wants to guess what he wants?!

Bella thinks he’s annoyed that she’s blocking traffic, so she immediately tells him it’s Edward’s fault, but he shrugs that off, saying he’d wanted to ask her something‚Ķwhich is, of course, if she’ll ask him to the dance.¬† Fuuuuuuck, I am sick of this shit.¬† Just fucking end, okay book?¬† We do not need to sit here watching Bella have the same fucking conversation three times!

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Once again, she tells him she won’t be in town, which apparently he already knew from Mike but had hoped was just a way to let Mike down easy‚Ķas though it would have gone over so well if she’d lied to Mike and then gone with someone else.¬† Smart, Tyler. She reiterates that she’s going out of town, which Tyler is fine with because there will still be prom to go to, and then off he goes.

Bella can see that Edward is laughing hysterically in front of her, watching her through the rear view mirror, and she considers rear ending his car, but he takes off before she can.¬† She drives home and starts to make chicken enchiladas for supper, which sounds incredibly fucking delicious and I want it, and as she does so, Jess calls her to tell her that Mike agreed to go to the dance with her.¬† Bella ‘celebrates’ with her, then discovers that she is going to call her other girlfriends to tell them too, so Bella suggests that those friends ask Eric and Tyler to the dance.¬† Jess agrees that they should, then reiterates that she wishes Bella would go to the dance (so maybe she can stop whining about Jess not really liking her), but Bella gives her the same excuse as she gave the guys.¬† Lies for everyone!

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After she gets off the phone, she tries to concentrate on what she’s doing, but she is (once again) too distracted by thoughts of Edward.¬† As she analyzes his every word, she realizes that he must see how she feels about him and not want to lead her on, which is why he says they can’t be friends; because he’s not interested in her.¬† This leads, of course, to her thinking about how wonderful and perfect he is, and how that means that of course he wouldn’t be interested in her because she’s not interesting, because Meyer is winning at portraying self-esteem in girls once again‚Ķand then she’s angry about it and decides to leave him alone completely.

She turns her mind to the sunny places she intends to go for college as she finishes making the food, and then Charlie comes home and is suspicious about the green peppers, but because he’s a big, brave cop, he tries the food anyway.¬† What the‚Ķoh, fuck it.

Bella tells Charlie that she’s going to go to Seattle for the day to make her lie become the truth‚Ķno, wait, she starts to tell him that she is, then asks if it’s okay because she feels rude just telling him, even though she doesn’t want to ask permission because doing so “sets a bad precedent“.¬† I just‚Ķseriously, this character.¬† There are no words.

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Charlie asks why she’s going, so she tells him it’s because the library in Forks sucks, and because she wants to get some new clothes.¬† He mentions that the truck doesn’t get good gas mileage, so she says she’ll make a few stops along the way (cause that makes it better), and he asks if she’s going by herself.¬† When she tells him she is, he worries about her getting lost because Seattle is so big, but she argues that Phoenix is bigger, and that she can read a map.¬† He asks if she wants him to go with her, which she is horrified by for no good reason that I can see, so she tells him she’ll be in dressing rooms all day to put him off, because of course he’s a man and Meyer is super stereotypical.¬† Needless to say, it works, and Charlie gives up.

And then, god help me, this chapter keeps fucking going, with Charlie asking her if she’s going to the dance and her telling him she doesn’t dance, and then it’s the next morning, and Bella is trying to park as far away from Edward as possible so she can resist the temptation to smash into his car.¬† When she gets out of her truck, though, she drops her keys into a puddle, and then Edward is suddenly there, handing them to her.¬† She asks him how he appears out of thin air the way he does, and he responds with my favourite line of the book so far:

“‘Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.‘”

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I’m not even sure why I like that line so much, but I do; it made me laugh.¬† Bella, of course, is not pleased by this remark and scowls at him, then asks him why he blocked traffic the day before.¬† If she’d just left it at that, the question might have been fine, but being the child that she is, she needs to add in a snipey comment about how he was supposed to be pretending she didn’t exist, not irritating her to death.¬† Grow the fuck up.

Edward tells her he did it to give Tyler a chance to ask her to the dance, which pisses Bella off even more, and that subsequently amuses Edward even more, but then Bella takes it a bit too far when she accuses him yet again of trying to irritate her to death “since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job“.¬† He calls her ‘utterly absurd’, which is kind of stupid because no high school guy would actually say that, but either way, Bella turns and walks away, holding back the urge to hit him.

As she leaves, Edward calls after her, but she just keeps going.¬† He apologizes for being rude (again, when the fuck is she going to apologize for anything?!), even if he knows what he said was true, and she asks why he won’t leave her alone.¬† He says he wanted to ask her something but she sidetracked him, and he seems to be back to normal again, so she asks him if he has multiple personality disorder, then asks what he wants to ask.

Because nothing makes any fucking sense in this book, Edward asks her (after a brief interval in which he makes it look like he’s going to ask her to the dance, and she gets pissed) if she wants a ride to Seattle the day she’s decided to go.¬† Why the hell would he offer that, when he just told her it was for the best if they weren’t friends, and she’s been such a gigantic fucking bitch to him?!

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Skipping the stupid drawn out back and forth Meyer feels compelled to add ALL THE FUCKING TIME, Bella asks him why he’s offering, and he says it’s because he was planning to go anyway, and he doesn’t think her truck can make it.¬† She turns him down because she’s a fucking moron, but he persists, which eventually leads to her pointing out that he didn’t want to be her friend, and him correcting her, saying he said it would be better if they weren’t friends, not that he didn’t want to be.¬† *sigh* Fucking Christ, I am so done.

He says it would be more prudent for her to not be his friend, but he’s tired of trying to stay away from her, and she gets all hot and bothered over that and can’t say anything.¬† Why the hell is he so drawn to her?¬† GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON, MEYER!¬† Stop telling me everyone wants to be with her without giving me a single goddamn reason why ANYONE would want to be with her, nonetheless HIM!¬† This is so fucking stupid!

He asks again if she’ll go to Seattle with him and she just nods, so he smiles, tells her that she should stay away from him but he’ll see her in class anyway, and leaves.¬† And that’s the end of the chapter.¬† I’m fucking pissed; this is such bullshit.¬† If he really thinks she should stay away, he should stay the fuck away from her, and at some point SOMEONE in this book needs to call her on her fucking attitude.¬† And I mean really call her on it, not just point out that she’s being a bitch and then trip over themselves to apologize for pointing it out because despite that she IS an annoying, whiny bitch, they can’t help but want to fuck her.¬† Agggggh. ¬†Done.¬† I’m just done.

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And I think that should be enough posts to illustrate what this book is like; whiny, annoying, repetitive, and full of characters that make absolutely no fucking sense.  Can you see how every recap would just be reiterating the rage of the last one?  So, on to the full review!  Yay.

I can’t even count the amount of times I rolled my eyes while reading this chapter.¬† This book is so negative and whiny it’s physically painful; it actually has already, by the third chapter, managed to top The Host in that regard.¬† And here I thought this one might be better‚Ķ*sigh*

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Because this chapter could clearly start no other way, the first page is all about Bella waking up, finding snow on the ground, and acting like it’s the end of the world.¬† Yaaaay.¬† Charlie is gone when she gets downstairs, so she has breakfast and thinks about how bad it is that she’s excited to go to school, because nothing can be positive for more than five minutes in her life.¬† Though the reason it’s bad is because she’s excited to see Edward, so I guess I can see her point‚Ķactually, no, it would still be nice if everything didn’t need to turn negative all the time.¬† But I have to stop hoping for that, or I’m going to end up very depressed by the end of this book.

She obsesses about Edward for a while, repeating things we already knew if we read the last two chapters, and then leaves the house for her treacherous walk to the truck.¬† It’s ice, Meyer; it’s not going to kill her if she falls, so enough with the drama.

Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.”

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Ugh. That really encourages me to read on.

On her drive to school, Bella thinks about how popular she’s become with the boys and how that never happened back in Phoenix, but instead of being flattered, she finds it ‘disconcerting’.¬† Seriously, this girl is NEVER happy about ANYTHING.¬† She thinks she might prefer being ignored to having their attention in a romantic capacity, which is ridiculous given how much she complained about expecting to be ignored and have no friends, and I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to stand multiple books of this crap. How does anyone like Meyer’s characters?¬† How are they the least bit likeable, when this is how they act?¬† I will never understand all the love here!

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Bella arrives at school and realizes that the reason she had a pretty easy drive there despite the icy roads was because Charlie put chains on her tires to give her more traction, and thankfully, she’s very grateful for and emotional over that realization.¬† As long as Charlie gets the appreciation he deserves, I’m happy.

But of course nothing good can ever actually be good in the land of Meyer, so while she stands by her truck appreciating what Charlie has done for her, a van loses control in the parking lot and careens toward her.  Bella sees Edward across the parking lot looking horrified, just before she sees the van…and then all of a sudden she gets hit by something, which knocks her to the pavement right before the van hits her truck.

For added drama, Meyer has the truck curl around and come toward her again, but again it doesn’t hit her, this time because a mystery man’s hands shoot out and grab the van and then push Bella out of the way so that the van can land in the spot where her legs had been.¬† I’m not going to get into the descriptions of all that, because I don’t honestly want to have to think about it all the way I had to with The Host, but let’s just assume it doesn’t make any sense because none of the ‘action scenes’ Meyer writes ever do.

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Everyone starts yelling Bella’s name, but all she can hear is Edward asking her if she’s alright.¬† She realizes she’s cuddled up against him and that she’s hurt her head, but instead of addressing any of that, she decides instead to ask Edward how he got across the parking lot so fast.¬† He tells her he was standing right next to her, so she sits up and looks at him, and then forgets what she was asking him because he’s so pretty or something.

A bunch of panicked people show up to deal with Bella and the guy in the van that crashed (Tyler), so Edward tells Bella to stay down where she is.¬† She suddenly remembers the question she’d tried to ask him, so she and Edward have a little argument over whether he was standing next to her or across the parking lot before the accident happened, because, in Bella’s words, “I was right, and he was going to admit it.”¬† Yep, this is a great character.¬† That’s definitely a good attitude to model for young girls; very useful in romantic relationships.¬† Ugggggh.

Edward tries to intimidate Bella into agreeing with him, but she’s too stubborn, so he ends up pleading with her.¬† She finally agrees, but only if he promises to explain everything later, which annoys him, but he says he will.¬† And for some reason, she responds angrily to his agreeing to do what she asked.¬† Yup.

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Paramedics show up and Bella gets put on a stretcher, which is just omgsoembarrassing for her, but it’s even worse when her dad shows up, worried about her.¬† God, how annoying; your parent showing up after you were in an accident that could have killed you, and expressing concern for your well-being.¬† Why wouldn’t you sigh and whine about that?

As her dad talks with the paramedic about her condition, she replays what happened in her head, remembering how there had been a dent on the bumper of the car next to her from Edward’s shoulders when he saved her the second time.¬† She notices Edward’s family standing by, looking angry and disapproving of Edward but not concerned for him (how she can tell this, I don’t know, but whatever), and is very confused about how any of what happened could make sense.

When they get to the hospital, Bella is jealous that Edward gets to walk in of his own accord because she’s soooo humiliated that she has to be taken care of, so as soon as she gets a minute away from the nurse attending her, she pulls off the “stupid-looking” neck brace they gave her and throws it under the bed.¬† Seriously, how old is this girl?¬† She’s so fucking childish!

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Tyler gets wheeled into the room with her then, and immediately begins apologizing to her.¬† They briefly discuss what happened, with Bella using the lie Edward told her to tell about being next to her, despite that she’s a terrible liar – again, just like Wanda.¬† Like I said, there’s one main character that goes by different names when Meyer’s writing; there simply cannot be any variety in their personalities.

Tyler is surprised by her story because he hadn’t noticed Edward near her when the accident happened, but he somehow skims over that fact and accepts her obvious lie anyway.¬† Knowing Tyler didn’t see Edward either confirms for Bella that she was right about what happened, and then she’s off to get x-rayed, where she is informed that she doesn’t even have a concussion, so she’s all good.¬† Yay, right?¬† Nope, not with Bella; just more complaining because she has to get a doctor’s permission before she can leave, so she has to ‘endure’ Tyler apologizing to her some more.¬† Suck it up, Bella; appreciate your good fortune here, and the fact that he cares so much.

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But this, of course, is her attitude.

Edward shows up and opens himself up to Bella’s complaining again by asking her how she’s doing.¬† When she tells him she’s fine but they won’t let her go, he tells her that’s what he’s there for, and at that moment – because his timing is impeccable – the doctor walks in, and he is sooo gorrrrrgeoussss, so we know he’s Dr. Cullen.¬† As if it would have been anyone else.

Dr. Cullen asks Bella how she’s doing, and they discuss how fine she is before he gives her head a quick checkup and then tells her she can go home.¬† She wants to go back to school for some reason, though, and is upset when it seems like Edward will be but she won’t, but is then mortified to find out that “most of the school seems to be in the waiting room“.¬† Uh, what?¬† Why would that ever be the case?¬† That’s not how things work in real life, Meyer‚Ķbesides which, why would she be all upset that the school is there, yet also upset because she wants to go back to school?¬† Ugggh, these characters.

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Dr. Cullen asks her if she wants to stay in the hospital, so she quickly tells him she doesn’t and jumps out of the bed, almost falling over in the process.¬† Idiot.¬† Blah blah blah, she was lucky, she makes things awkward by mentioning Edward being next to her in the accident in front of his father, who she knows will know better, and then Dr. Cullen is busy with Tyler, so Bella decides to take the opportunity to talk to Edward.

Edward tries to avoid talking to her, for obvious reasons, but she’s still too stubborn to back down, so they go into a hallway together, where she demands the explanation she feels he owes her.¬† He is obviously very annoyed by this, since he saved her life and all, but he reacts kind of stupidly to the things she says, so in a way it’s not really that surprising that she’s mad at him at this point.¬† Still, she’s not coming off as a very attractive character; way too pushy, stubborn, self-absorbed and whiney.¬† How is she a love interest?

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Edward asks her what she thinks happened, so she runs over what she knows about the situation, getting upset by the end as she realizes how crazy the things she’s saying sound.¬† Edward tells her no one will believe her that he lifted a van off of her, but she says she’s not planning on telling anyone, which surprises him.¬† She tells him she just doesn’t like to lie, so she wants to know why she’s doing it if she’s going to have to, and Edward realizes she’s not going to back down, but decides he won’t either.

She gets distracted by how fucking pretty he is again, which I am entirely sick of, and then asks him why he even bothered saving her, because that’s showing gratefulness.¬† Edward says he doesn’t know, then turns and leaves. I don’t know either, dude.¬† You could have spared us both a lot of pain if you hadn’t.

When Bella gets out to the waiting room, eeeeeeveryone is there, because somehow this is a big enough deal that the entire TOWN needs to come out for it.¬† Among them is, of course, Charlie (don’t know why he wouldn’t have been allowed to see her in the hospital room, especially if she was fine, but whatever), and Bella is, as usual, short and rude with him because she’s embarrassed that he cares about her.¬† Haaaaate.

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Charlie leads her out to his cruiser and they drive home in silence, because Bella is still too busy thinking about Edward.¬† When they get home, he tells her she’ll have to call her mom, and she gets allllll pissed off because how dare he tell her mother that she was in a potentially fatal accident?!

She does call her mom, though, who is hysterical and tries to get her to come home even though she is supposedly not at home, and Bella is surprised that she’s able to resist her mother’s pleas.¬† Why is she able to?¬† Because she’s obsessed with Edward.¬† Great.¬† At least she knows it’s stupid, but still, great.

She goes to bed early because Charlie caring about her is soooo annoyyyyyingg, and when she falls asleep, she dreams about Edward, and that’s the last line of the chapter so clearly the dream is supposed to be significant.¬† Excitement.

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You know, there’s really not much to say about these chapters.¬† With The Host, there was usually a bit I could add to the beginning and end of the recaps, but with these it’s just all whining all the time, so there’s nothing I can really add to that.¬† So‚Ķthat’s that, then!

This chapter was a lot longer than I feel like it needed to be.¬† There was a lot of unnecessary filler, which is not at all surprising given my experience with Meyer, but it just dragged on so much, and then ended without having had a whole lot of substance at any point.¬† The first half is basically just Bella doing normal, everyday things, and then the second half is just plain weird, so I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth about this one.¬† It wasn’t horrible, but I certainly didn’t enjoy it as much as the first one, and that’s dampening my hopes for this being much better than The Host, in the end.

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So that we don’t get our hopes up about this chapter not being emo, the first line is “The next day was better‚Ķand worse“.¬† Yay.¬† It’s better because she gets to make a perfectly nice guy who has done nothing to her jealous, and that is satisfying for her, and because she gets to eat lunch with a whole bunch of people instead of alone.¬† Everything’s coming up Bella!

‚ĶExcept that she’s tired, poor baby, and being tired leads her to make a fool of herself in a couple of classes, so that’s why the day is worse.¬† Well, part of why; the other part is that Edward isn’t in school.¬† You know, the guy that freaked her out entirely yesterday, and that she actually says in this chapter that she was dreading having to see; she’s supposedly upset that he’s not around.¬† Why, exactly?¬† I mean, she seems relieved he’s not there, and rightfully so, so why would him not being there make the day worse?¬† Is Meyer confused?¬† Cause I certainly am.

Blah blah blah, Bella’s a coward, unimportant things happen as she worries that Edward will show up, she feels better as Mike walks her to class and Edward isn’t showing up, she and Mike talk a little when they get to class and it becomes clear that he’s got a crush on her, so she’s going to have to let him down easy, and then Edward still isn’t there and Bella is relieved about that‚Ķexcept that she’s not.

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Wait, what?¬† She’s relieved he may not be there up until the point that she confirms that he’s not there, at which point she feels bad because she feels she’s the reason he’s not there?¬† Why would she care about that, when he scared her?¬† Why would that be bad enough for her to consider it something that made the day “worse”?¬† She only focuses on how egotistical it is to think that she could be the reason for him not being there, but she’s really got to look at why she’d feel guilty about that at all.¬† I don’t like the way Meyer writes these characters; this is not how young women should feel.¬† If someone makes you feel scared and uncomfortable when they’re around you, you should feel no guilt for getting them away from you, whether it happens intentionally or not, and for feeling good when they’re not there.¬† It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes, especially when you might be in danger otherwise.

The school day ends and Bella manages to avoid Mike, so she heads to her truck and gets her grocery money and shopping list ready, since apparently Charlie is incapable of cooking anything, so she’s going to take over.¬† How has he survived so long on his own if he can’t cook more than fried eggs and bacon?¬† How did he ever provide for her when she visited when she was younger?¬† And why does she continue to refer to him as ‘Charlie’ when they don’t seem to have had a bad relationship prior to this?¬† I thought most people called their father ‘dad’ (or something similar) unless their relationship was poor‚Ķ

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Anyway, she heads to the grocery store, but Meyer takes an entire page to get her there.¬† Said page is filled with nothing but Bella watching the other people from Edward’s group get into their car, going on about their expensive clothes and how jealous she is that they have both looks and money, and then deciding that the reason their group is isolated from everyone else must be because they want to be, not because other people don’t want them around.¬† Her reason for believing that?¬† “I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.”¬† Seriously?!¬† Why does Meyer prize beauty above ALL else?¬† It’s a very unhealthy point of view to have!¬† Especially when you’re impressing it on young readers, most of whom are female!

Blah blah blah about doing the shopping; no one cares‚Ķand then she’s home, where she prepares a lovely dinner, changes, and then reads a bunch of emails from her mom.¬† Really, this is just riveting.¬† I’m so glad I’m reading this book.

In the emails, her mom exhibits her ‘scatterbrained’ tendencies and then panics when Bella doesn’t respond, and threatens to call her father if she doesn’t hear from her.¬† Bella writes her back telling her that everything’s great, that her dad bought her a truck and that she misses her, and that’s that.¬† See what I said about the first half of this chapter being mundane?

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To up the excitement, Bella starts reading, and then when her father gets home, she heads back down to continue making dinner.¬† We are treated to a random rant about her father having never shot his gun, which I think was just so Meyer could make the point that Bella is not suicidal enough to shoot herself, as though that’s necessary, and then Bella is sad that her dad remembers her mother’s experimental cooking, but it’s all good because Bella’s only made steak and potatoes this time.

The pair eat dinner and Bella tells her dad about the people she’s met at school, which leads to a brief description by Charlie about Mike and his family, followed by a much more involved one about the Cullen family.¬† Charlie is very defensive of them, because he’s got a lot of respect and appreciation for Dr. Cullen, and because none of the kids have ever caused any trouble.¬† He’s very upset that people talk negatively about the family, and his reaction surprises Bella, so she clarifies that she thought they all seemed nice, they just keep to themselves a lot.

For some reason, Bella also finds it pertinent to mention that they’re all very attractive, which makes Charlie laugh.¬† He tells her that Dr. Cullen is even more attractive – distractingly so – and then they both go silent until they’re done dinner.¬† Not sure why; that doesn’t seem like an awkward thing to say given her comment‚Ķbut hey, whatever floats your boat.

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Bella washes the dishes while Charlie watches TV, which seems weird to me given she did all the cooking, but why am I surprised, when this is coming from Meyer?¬† After she’s done, she does some homework and then goes to bed, where she can finally sleep.¬† Huzzah!¬† One less thing to complain about!

The rest of the week goes by without much happening, though Edward still doesn’t return to school, which Bella finally allows herself to be relieved about, and while Meyer does try to explain what happened without describing every moment of each day (which is appreciated), she still goes on a bit long, given how unimportant the things she does bother to talk about seem to be.

The weekend passes with Charlie working and Bella cleaning the house, doing homework, writing emails to her mom and going to the library, which disappoints her just like everything else in Forks does, and then it’s Monday, and more unimportant stuff is happening.¬† I’m pretty sure this book has more filler than The Host at this point, and that is horrendously depressing.¬† Only 13 and a half pages left in this chapter‚Ķdear god, these recaps are seriously going to take forever, for very little content.¬† Ugggggh.

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On Monday, Bella is happily greeted by a bunch of people, and that, combined with an easy pop quiz, makes her feel more comfortable about living in Forks, which obviously surprises her.¬† After her first class, she and Mike walk outside to discover that it’s snowing, which everyone is excited about except for Bella, who thinks the snow has ruined her day.¬† Really?¬† It’s snow; what’s it going to do to you?¬† You spent all this time complaining about the rain, and snow will be quieter at night, so‚Ķwhat’s the problem?

But no, she has to complain about the snow because it’s “too cold for rain“, which for some reason she now would prefer, I guess, and because she doesn’t think it looks right, since it’s not coming down in big flakes like she’s seen on TV (since she’s from somewhere where it doesn’t snow, so she’s never seen snow in real life before).¬† Considering how new this is, shouldn’t she at least be a little bit interested/excited to see it, regardless of whether it’s exactly how she imagined it?¬† I hate that Meyer’s characters never seem to appreciate anything.

Someone (which Bella suspects to be Eric) throws a snowball at Mike, so Mike prepares to retaliate, while Bella takes off because she doesn’t like “people throwing wet stuff“, and then proceeds to complain about the snow even more.¬† At lunch she has to pass through a giant snowball fight, which is kind of surprising to me because I don’t really remember kids doing that when I was in high school‚Ķbut anyway, Bella doesn’t get hit with any, so it’s all good.

Yay.

Yay.

When they get inside the cafeteria, Bella notices that Edward has returned to school, and has a bit of a panic attack.¬† Her friends are concerned for her because they don’t know what’s wrong, but she just tells them she feels sick, and then considers whether she should skip class and go to the nurse’s office instead.¬† She decides against it when she sees that Edward is not glaring at her, he’s not even paying attention to her, and he seems happy, as his group are all laughing.¬† She notes that Edward seems less pale, and that something else about him is different as well, but she can’t place what.

Jessica catches Bella looking at Edward, and just as she does, Edward catches her doing so as well.¬† She looks away quickly, but is pleased that when he did look at her, he didn’t look angry, just curious.¬† Jessica confirms that Edward doesn’t look angry and asks why Bella would think he would be, so she confesses that she doesn’t think Edward likes her.¬† Jessica informs her that the Cullens don’t like anybody, or notice them enough to care, but that Edward is still staring at her anyway.

Bella tells Jessica to stop looking at him, which she does, and then Mike shows up again with plans to have an ‘epic’ snowball fight after school, which Bella, of course, instantly decides she’ll have to hide to avoid being a part of.¬† Luckily for her, though, she won’t have to worry about that, because when they leave the cafeteria after lunch, they all discover that the snow is already gone, having been replaced by rain.

How convenient.

How convenient.

When she gets to class, Bella is pleased to see that Edward is not there yet.  He shows up only a few minutes later, though, and almost instantly greets her, which shocks her.  We are treated to a brief description of how unbelievably gorgeous he is, but of course, and then he introduces himself in an absurdly polite manner which indicates that he already knows who she is.

Bella is confused, wondering if she imagined his anger from the other day, and panics a bit knowing that she’s got to come up with something to say to him, so she asks him how he knows her name.¬† That leads to an awkward conversation that I can’t really understand the point of, in terms of the plot of the book, because all it points out is that Edward somehow knows to call her Bella right off the bat, whereas everyone else initially calls her Isabella and then has to be told she prefers Bella.¬† Who cares?

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As luck would have it, after their awkward exchange, Bella and Edward discover that they need to work as lab partners for the class, to identify the phases of mitosis using a microscope.¬† And this is where the chapter starts getting weird.¬† Considering how little actually happens here, Meyer takes a hell of a lot of time to get through this lab, I’m assuming just to show us how Bella and Edward interact together.¬† But as I said, it’s weird, and it’s awkward, and it’s like a battle for who’s the smartest when it’s clearly both of them, which just seems obnoxious to me.¬† Even the parts that are supposed to seem flirtatious just feel annoying.

All we really learn throughout this is that Bella is all googly eyed over how ‘beautiful’ Edward is, they’re both smart, like I said (and like we already knew about Bella), Edward has ice cold hands (I wonder why) and when he touches Bella, she feels an electric shock‚Ķand they’re both competitive show-offs.¬† I really feel like it did not need to take multiple pages to establish all that useless bullshit.

Still, they’re done their work long before anyone else is, so they’re left with more time for awkward interactions (yaaaay) and for Bella to describe how different Edward’s eyes seem from what they looked like the last time she saw him.¬† I know that’s probably supposed to actually be relevant in some way, but y’know, I just really don’t care to such a degree that I’m not even going to go into any details about it.¬† Like I said, there is so much stuff in this chapter that is either clearly filler or is probably supposed to be important but feels like filler anyway, that I just can’t be bothered.

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The teacher comes over to check their answers, which are of course all correct, and identifies that Bella was in advanced placement courses when she was in Phoenix, because she is just THAT smart.  The teacher seems unhappy about this for some reason and goes away, so Edward starts talking about how unfortunate it is that the snow is gone, which Bella obviously disagrees with.

Blah blah blah, it’s soooo difficult for her to live in Forks, and that’s fascinating to Edward for some reason, and then we finally get to know why Bella actually moved to Forks when she apparently hates it and everything about it so much.¬† She says it’s because her mother got remarried, and then oh my god it takes forever for Meyer to get to the reason why that would make her move, because she needs to go on uselessly about a bunch of other crap‚Ķand finally we get to that her mother’s new husband moves a lot, and Bella knew her mother was unhappy not being with him (because she was staying behind to be with Bella), so she left so that her mother could be happy.¬† Awwwww, how entirely self-sacrificing, just like Wanda!¬† Fuck.

I don’t know, I would be all for this if Meyer’s characters didn’t always go all ‘woe is me’ after doing something ‘nice’ for someone, but when they do, it just really takes away from the nice deed that they did, and makes it annoying.¬† It doesn’t seem like life in Forks has been bad to Bella at all; in fact, it’s been very good to her‚Ķso why is she still complaining about it?¬† She should be happy she did something for her mother that didn’t turn out so bad for her at all, and that’s that.¬† Enough whining.

Ahh, good vampires.

Ahh, good vampires.

Edward points out that Bella’s unhappy and says he doesn’t think that’s fair, so Bella says life isn‚Äôt fair (it‚Äôs not, but come on, you got a free fucking truck the first day, and a bunch of friends with no effort on your part the next; I think you’re doing fucking okay), and then Edward calls her on the fact that he thinks she’s putting on a show, but is really “suffering more than you let anyone see“.¬† Ugggggh.¬† I don’t feel bad for her, Meyer, and I’m not going to, so fuck off with this shit!

Edward presses Bella on the subject to find out if he’s right about his assumption, and she snaps at him, asking why it matters to him.¬† He says that’s a good question, and I think for one shining moment that that’s the end of this incredibly boring conversation, but then nope, he asks if he’s annoying her, and we’re right back into more pointless bullshit again.¬† Goddammit.

Bella is annoyed that her face is so easy to read, but Edward says he finds her hard to read, so she says he’s a good reader, and then the teacher calls the class’s attention to himself finally, but Bella just keeps thinking about how beautiful Edward is but how he’s pulling away from her again.

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Edward leaves quickly again when the class ends, so Mike shows up to talk to Bella as per usual, complaining about how hard the lab was.¬† Instead of being sympathetic, Bella decides to show off by saying she didn’t have any trouble with it, but then adds that she did it before, so as not to hurt his feelings.¬† As if she really cares.

They briefly discuss the fact that Edward seemed more friendly today, and then they head to gym class, where Bella continues to be distracted by thoughts of Edward, and Mike continues to be super sweet in looking out for her, despite that she doesn’t give a shit about him.

When gym is done, Bella heads out to her truck, and as she’s about to go, she notices Edward standing by his car, staring at her.¬† Creepy.¬† She almost hits a car in her distraction, then pulls out and leaves, noticing Edward laughing at her as she does so.¬† Smoooooth.

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And that’s it for this chapter, thank god.¬† It really did feel like that took forever to get through.¬† God, I hope the rest aren’t like this‚Ķmy kingdom for less boring filler…

Change of Plans

Back in March I had posted that because I was done with The Host, I was going to be starting on recaps of the Twilight books, but would not post them until Mike had caught up to me…well, there’s been a bit of a change in¬†plans. ¬† A lot has gone on in the past few months in the lives of both Mike and myself, and it’s made it very hard for Mike to keep up with his posts (especially because The Host is so terrible it makes it hard to stay motivated enough to continue with it when other things are going on) , so because Twilight is essentially just the same damn thing over and over for a million chapters (whining about the weather and being generally ungrateful in every possible situation), Mike is going to finish his recaps of The Host, as well as the movie review, and then we are going to recap the Twilight books as whole books rather than going chapter by chapter. ¬†We will also do the movies as we go, but it will probably only amount to 2 posts per book, for the most part. ¬†We will still attempt to do 50 Shades chapter by chapter when we get to it, but there is just so little to talk about in Twilight that isn’t repetitive that it just doesn’t seem worth it to go through all that, especially with the delays Mike has been facing, to give you chapter by chapter recaps that say the same things over and over. ¬†So that’s the game-plan going forward. ¬†I’m not 100% sure when I’ll start posting my Twilight recaps, since Mike does still have to catch up on The Host…but we shall see! ¬†Things will be happening again soon, at any rate. ūüôā ¬†And that’s that!

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Twilight – Preface

I figured I might as well at least write the recap for the preface, since it’s only about a half a page long; surely that can’t do too much damage.¬† So welcome to my first foray into the world of Twilight, having never seen any of the movies nor read the books prior to now.¬† Wish me luck.

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The preface, as I mentioned, is really short, and seems to have been written solely to try to draw the user’s interest in reading further in the book.¬† Honestly, it didn’t do that for me at all, and I already think the book would have been better off without it, as I read the first line of the first chapter and actually found it to be somehow more engaging, despite that the line was really just description.

Anyway, the preface contains the thoughts of what I assume to be our main character, who is facing death at the hands of a hunter.¬† We don’t really know what exactly is meant by the term ‘hunter’, as yet, but apparently he’s friendly and casual about killing, so hey, sounds like a pretty good deal if you’ve gotta die anyway.

I’m assuming the main character here is Bella, so since it’s not mentioned in the preface who is thinking these thoughts, I’m just going to go with her‚Ķso Bella does not really seem afraid of dying, though she says she’s terrified; she really just seems more surprised at how it’s going to happen, because I guess she’s fine with dying because she’s in the place of someone she loves or something like that.¬† Oh great, this is going to be like The Host, where nothing matters except love even when that’s absolutely stupid.¬† Great.

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She doesn’t think it‚Äôs ‘reasonable’ to grieve her own death because she got a dream so far beyond her expectations in life, and that’s about all there is to this preface, so‚Ķyeah.¬† This reads almost exactly like The Host, which is making it hard to see Bella as a different character than Wanda, so I’m hoping the first chapter or two changes that, because dear god, no, not again.

Otherwise, as I said, I didn’t find this preface to be very engaging, so in my opinion, the book would have been better off without it.¬† And that’s all I have to say about that.

(When he gets to it, see Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

Moving On

Alright, so I’m now completely done with The Host, and would like never to think of it again if I can help it…though I’m sure I’m going to have to, considering the next project I’m tackling is the Twilight Series, which, of course, was also written by Stephenie Meyer. ¬†As you can imagine, I’m very excited about this, because The Host has really made me feel confident about Meyer’s ability to write.

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God, I hope this venture doesn’t kill me.

Because Mike has fallen behind on his Host posts and therefore hasn’t finished yet, I’m going to start writing my recaps for Twilight, but I may not start posting them until he’s caught up a little. ¬†I’m not sure if I will be posting anything in the meantime or not, as I have yet to come up with anything, but when I do start posting again, it will continue to be on Tuesdays and Thursdays, as before (with a Q&A post on Saturdays). ¬†I may just end up giving up on any restraint and post my Twilight recaps anyway, but we shall see. ¬†It’s a mystery!

Anyway, hope to see you back for Twilight, where Stephenie Meyer will once again attempt to prove that “love is the most important part of any story“, so you do not actually need to have any skill or talent in order to write a book, as long as the characters make out every so often!

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The Host – Movie Review

Watching this movie felt like the longest two hours of my life, even at only an hour in.¬† It was the most boring, disjointed, poorly thought out, nigh on unbearable thing I have ever experienced, and that’s saying something, since as you know, I read the book.¬† This was even more of a waste of time than that was.

Throughout my chapter recaps, I asked multiple times how anyone could actually like the book, but the movie was even worse; it was actually quite different in many ways, but that only left me wondering how even people who liked the book could like the movie.¬† Given its rating on Rotten Tomatoes (8%), I’m not sure they really did, but at the same time, I have seen some good reviews and comments relating to this movie‚ĶI just cannot understand how that is possible.

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This movie was a train wreck.  The things that were wrong with the book were wrong with the movie (aside from the fact that Wanda did not get into any excruciating stories about her lives on other worlds, thank god, and Ian was not an abusive rapist Рthough he did still strike me as being creepy), but instead of drawing things out too long and providing excessive description, as Meyer did in the book, the movie lacks anything to link one scene to the next, nonetheless delve any deeper than that.  It just jumps from one thing to another, with no rhyme or reason, and without any buildup or tension that the book at least attempted to achieve.

The movie starts with one of the lamest introductory narrations I’ve ever heard, and then jumps right into Melanie getting caught.¬† It cuts the entire storyline that Meyer used to explain how Melanie got caught in the book, and replaces it with an even less believable one, which has Melanie, Jared and Jamie all stupid enough to stay in a hotel, where they would surely get caught.

There is no explanation as to why Jamie doesn’t get caught after Melanie attempts suicide, as there’s no way he would escape and find Jared (who was supposedly out on a raid when the Seekers found Melanie) by himself with that many Seekers around, but somehow it all works out okay, and in the end, Jared and Jamie get to a place that they would not have known the way to (Jeb’s cabin), because apparently even Melanie doesn’t, since she never finds it, she just gets lost trying to.¬† Not that it would have mattered, because Jeb wasn’t there anyway.¬† At least the movie and book are consistent in that they make absolutely no sense.

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I won’t list every difference and difficulty this movie had, because there are far too many, but suffice it to say that almost nothing is portrayed as it was described in the book, or could have been reasonably imagined, so I have to wonder if Meyer actually had any hand in this movie at all.¬† I know she supposedly did, but why would she let them change so much?¬† That doesn’t show much loyalty to her fans, not to mention her own story.

Even the basic plotline is different, with Wanderer giving Jamie and Jared up from the start, and I just don’t really understand these changes.¬† The movie is just as convenient as the book is, though, with things always exactly where they need to be whenever they need to be there, Wanderer/Melanie able to survive things that they absolutely never would be able to in real life, and everyone just going along with whatever random idea is thrown out (usually by the alien they shouldn’t trust), without even thinking about it.¬† There’s not even a tribunal system this time, so Kyle gets away with trying to kill Wanda without even a scolding, and no one really fights her when she decides she wants to kill herself – at which point, instead of keeping that a secret, she just tells everyone.¬† So the movie lacks any sort of real conflict, for the most part, and tries to insert its own through lame car chase scenes instead.

The dialogue somehow manages to be even worse in the movie than it was in the book, by a long shot, to the point that almost every single line made me want to roll my eyes or groan, and the one good scene in the entire book is ruined by said poor dialogue and the rushed nature of the movie.¬† As such, this movie had absolutely no redeeming qualities.¬† It’s cheesy, it’s boring (I mean, come on; I should not be bored during Wanda’s ‘death’ scene, but I found it to be some of the longest minutes of my life), it’s incredibly poorly written, and there’s no cohesion to it at all.¬† It feels like it was made by a group of people who don’t even understand how movies are made, nonetheless having ever done it before.

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Oh, and the acting is terrible, if you couldn’t have already guessed that it would be.¬† None of the characters are even slightly believable, and even the voice acting for Melanie when she’s still in Wanda’s head is horrible; the actress can’t seem to find the proper tone to use for the things she’s saying at any point, no matter how simple the line.¬† I got the feeling, while watching these actors, that they hated every single one of their lines, which made it impossible for them to deliver them properly, but I don’t know; maybe it’s just that the filmmakers could only get terrible actors to agree to appear in this film in the first place.¬† Whatever the reason, though, it’s painful to watch.

Because the acting is terrible and the movie is rushed through without giving any character development whatsoever (or, in a lot of cases, even actually introducing who the characters are), it is impossible to feel any sympathy for either Wanderer or Melanie; they both just seem like petulant children, all the time.  At least in the book you could feel bad for one or the other of them some of the time, but nope, not here.  Not for one second.

Because of this lack of character development, I cannot at all understand why any of the individuals in the caves would care about Wanda. ¬†From what we’re shown, she doesn’t actually know any of them, especially not Doc (she doesn’t even seem to really interact with him at any point), so why would he be upset about having to kill her?¬† And why do any of them trust her?¬† The movie plays out as though everyone is just innately okay with her because she’s Jeb’s niece‚Ķaside from Jared, of course, who’s a dick.¬† But that’s ridiculous.¬† And if they were counting on us having read the book to believe these things, well, they might have tried to make the movie a lot more like the book.

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Walter is removed entirely from the movie, which makes less sense than it might seem to, because Walter was supposed to be a big factor in Wanda deciding that the humans were worth living and dying for, because some were actually good‚Ķbut I guess she never did seem to hate or fear the humans the way she was supposed to in this movie, so maybe it’s irrelevant.¬† Another thing that’s missing, though, is any indication as to why Wanda and Melanie would love each other, because there’s no buildup to their relationship at all, and Wanda doesn’t actually seem to fall in love with Jared or Jamie at any point, either.¬† There’s nothing to explain why these two would care about each other, they just do, and we’re supposed to accept it.¬† And that annoys me, so moving on.

For some reason, in the movie, the characters keep going on raids during the day, when they are sure to get caught.¬† Why would they change that?¬† In the book they only went out at night, until Wanda started going to get stuff for them, and that made sense‚Ķso I’m just thoroughly confused by this.¬† No one would believe that the “last surviving humans” would be stupid enough to raid during the day.

And why do the aliens have so many medications when Wanda steals them (we can see the individual names, as listed in the book), but only one ever seems to have to be used on anyone besides Wanda?¬† Jamie is completely healed by a few sprays of one medication on his cut; that’s it.¬† So why did she bother to bring the Cool?¬† I know I saw her take that one.¬† If one medication can save someone who is dying, what are the rest for?¬† Oh, and did I mention that the aliens are removed from the human hosts by love?¬† Yeah.¬† Not technique, love.¬† Just‚Ķugh.

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The end of the movie is even worse than the ending of the book, as it’s even less believable and more pointless, and while I could go into so much more detail about the problems with this movie than I have, I think I’ve said enough.¬† The book was the worst I’ve ever read, but the movie has surpassed even it in terms of horrible writing, so as such, I would not recommend this movie to anyone, ever.¬† I can’t imagine how anyone could like this movie.¬† It depresses me to think how much money was spent on making it.

So, there you have it; that’s my review of The Host – movie version.¬† 0/10, two thumbs down, absolutely never will I watch it again, ever.

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(Check out Mike’s review at¬†http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

What was the point of this chapter?¬† I know it’s an epilogue, but I still feel like an epilogue should be worth reading if you’re going to bother to include it in a book, and this really wasn’t.¬† It was just a whole lotta nothing and then an extraordinarily stupid ending.¬† Even worse than the first one, if you can believe it!

It starts with Meyer once again using the “life and love went (goes) on” line, which was incredibly fucking annoying the first time, so you can imagine how I feel about it now that she’s used it in almost every chapter since‚Ķthen explaining how things were not the same after Wanda decided to stay in Pet’s body, because she was no longer the same.

Before I get into that, though, I want to comment on one part of this first sentence.¬† “The last human outpost on planet Earth” is how Wanda describes the caves, but how the hell can she actually believe that they’re the last human outpost on the planet?? Does she think that every time the aliens were ever scared of humans, it was because of something they (the people in the caves) did?¬† I mean, I knew she had a big ego, but come on; this is just ridiculous.¬† They’re in one small area of a fucking desert; they have no idea how many other people could be hiding out just like them, in all corners of the world!¬† Earth is kind of a big place!

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Wanda reveals that this is the first time she’s been ‘reborn’ into a body of the same species as her last host, which is a little weird considering it seems like a lot of the aliens lived many lives as the same species, just in different bodies‚Ķbut I guess that’s why Wanda is so ‘unique’, right?

She is not fond of the feeling of being in another human body, though, because she already had ideas in place about what it was like to be human from being in Melanie’s body, and being in Pet’s is different‚Ķas well as the fact that she doesn’t like some of the things she ‘inherited’ from Pet, like her mourning for Cloud Spinner and the pain she must be going through, and blah blah blah, no joy without equal pain; whatever.

The thing that upsets Wanda most, though, is that she’s also ‘inherited’ Pet’s body’s physical limitations, since she is so much smaller and weaker than Melanie was, and she’s unbearably shy, to boot.¬† As a result, people in the caves have started doing things for Wanda because they know she’s not strong enough to do them, and even when they’ve given her the easiest tasks, they’ve often either taken the work from her in the end anyway, or helped her with it because she needed the help because she would get tired too easily otherwise.

So, wow; Pet really must have some sort of medical abnormality that Meyer is just not readily addressing here, because there is no other good reason why she would be so much smaller in both height and features than someone else her age would be, and so much weaker.¬† Meyer may be trying to play off her weakness as related to her size, but no, that wouldn’t make her too weak to do easy tasks, which I would assume would be things like dishes and food preparation and whatnot.¬† There’s something really wrong here, but of course Meyer doesn’t care about that, because Wanda is pretty now and that’s clearly all that matters.

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Wanda goes on to say that people also treat her more gently than the others because of her looks, because as Jared had planned, no one is able to fear, mistrust or hate her despite that she’s an alien, because she’s so goddamn cute.¬† Ugggggh.¬† Yep, good lessons here; it doesn’t matter how dangerous someone could be, if they’re pretty, you should like them.¬† Ahh, but isn’t that just a perfect description of Wanda’s relationship with Ian?¬† He’s too ‘pretty’ to fear or despise, even when he’s abusive.¬† Oh, Meyer, go to hell.

Wanda says people often touch her, so much so that in some ways, she’s stopped noticing when it happens‚Ķwhich is fucking weird to me, and makes her seem even more like a child, making this all even more creepy than it already was.¬† ¬†Especially because, y’know, it’s STILL UNWANTED TOUCHING, and now it’s not just Ian that’s doing it.¬† It’s a running theme in this book; getting used to people doing things to you that make you uncomfortable, just because you want them to like you‚Ķ

Buttt it’s all good, because all this fawning over Wanda means that she finally gets to play with Lucina’s children, which she only cared about that one time when Lacey got to and she didn’t, but Meyer wants us to think it’s important, so hey guys, pay attention.¬† Things are happening.

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Freedom, in particular, crawled onto my lap at every opportunity, burrowing his face in my hair.  Isaiah was too big for such displays of affection…

Wait a minute here; Isaiah, one of the children, is too mature to curl up on Wanda’s lap, but Jamie, who is fucking fourteen, does things like that all the time and it’s perfectly acceptable?¬† What the hell is wrong with this picture?¬† We know Isaiah is young because of the things she mentions him talking about with her, but somehow, Jamie acts like more of a child than him.¬† Yep, Meyer, you definitely knew what you were doing when you wrote these characters, didn’t you?

Wanda mentions that the kids still won’t go near Melanie, even though she’s human, because of how frightened their mother made them of her, and I have to think that Wanda probably feels pretty damn good about that.¬† It’s fucking stupid, though, because unless she’s a horrible parent, I would think Lucina would teach the kids not to go near aliens, not ‘people in Melanie’s body’, and Wanda is still an alien, and therefore still a threat.¬† But again, it’s okay because she’s cuter than Melanie, because of course she is.¬† Once again, fuck you.¬† Especially because the kids were fine being with Lacey as soon as she wasn’t an alien, despite that she remained an intolerable bitch.¬† This makes all of the sense.

She briefly adds that Maggie and Sharon still won’t look at her, but they’re not as ‘rigid’ in her presence…but then she quickly moves on, because hey, who really gives a fuck, right?

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She says the monsoons came late to the desert this year, because that’s just fucking convenient, but at least I was right about the fact that the monsoons would come‚Ķand then blah blah blah, descriptions of how things smell when they’re wet which are incredibly weird, a brief mention of the fact that Pet came from Seattle (so they went all the way there to get her, for some reason) and what the weather was like there as compared to in the desert, and how awesome the sky is.¬† Yay.¬† See how important it was to add this epilogue?

Extra conveniently, the fact that everyone needs to move to the game room during the monsoons gives them all the perfect opportunity to change their regular sleeping arrangements, because with so many people, they need to use all the room they have available responsibly.  Given this bunch, it seems unlikely that that will happen.

Apparently in the time between the last chapter and the epilogue, Mandy somehow remembered that her name was actually Candy (I have a friend with this name, yet something about it still bothers me; maybe that it’s most likely that Meyer only chose it because it’s both a name and a word that would very likely come up in conversation, so Candy could conveniently make the connection‚Ķoh wait, no, it’s because it’s the name of Meyer’s mother -_-), so now that that’s all sorted, she and Lacey can move in together, taking Wes’s old space because everyone else is too sad to.

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It is decided that when the rain ends, Jamie will move into Brandt and Aaron’s room so that Jared and Melanie can have their privacy to make some babies‚Ķoh wait, no, Jared and Melanie kicked Jamie out before Wanda was even brought back, so it wasn’t his decision, they just decided they had some celebrating to do, I guess.¬† He didn’t question anything, as weird as it must have been for him, he just moved into Ian’s room‚Ķbut now that Wanda’s back, we know Ian’s going to want to sex her up as soon as humanly possible, so Jamie obviously has to GTFO.¬† So off to Brandt and Aaron’s he goes, because the two of them will obviously be single forever.

Of course, if Jamie can’t stay with Ian, neither can Kyle, so Kyle’s going to widen Walter’s sleeping space so that he and Sunny can stay there together (hardly seems fair; both Ian and Jared’s rooms sounded like they were big enough for more than one bed, yet they get the rooms to themselves and Kyle and Sunny only get a crevice they have to widen‚Ķsee, they’re already failing at using the space they have responsibly), because Sunny never leaves Kyle’s side, and though he’s not given up on Jodi yet, he still treats Sunny as though he cares about her just the same.

Wanda says that before the rain began, she stayed with Doc in the hospital for some reason‚Ķand I was about to say I don’t know why she would when she could easily have gone with Ian and Jamie, since she did that before, buttttt then Meyer started to go on about how well Candy remembers Summer Song’s life (so the human brain does retain the alien’s memories somehow‚Ķstill not going to say that makes sense, but at least it’s somewhat consistent), so the hospital is so much more interesting to be in because of all the wonderful things she can teach Doc, so her staying with Doc was just a convenient way for her to know about all that.

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After the rain, though, Doc won’t be sleeping in the hospital anymore, because while they were all in the games room hiding from the rain, Sharon randomly decided she wanted to sleep next to Doc, and didn’t even ask him if it was okay, she just did it.¬† Wanda thinks she only did so because she was jealous of how attractive Candy is, and that she realized that if she didn’t get Doc back, he’d go with Candy‚Ķeven though Wanda thinks Doc doesn’t notice Candy’s looks because he’s too fascinated by her knowledge.

She (Wanda) considers that maybe Sharon is not jealous, she actually just wants to ‘forgive and forget’, but no, that’s not good enough; she was in the wrong here, she acted like a bitch, so she should damn well have to apologize and make amends before just waltzing back into Doc’s life.¬† Of course, Wanda doesn’t give a shit about that, and neither will Doc, because everyone here is okay with being treated like shit as long as the person who treats them poorly claims to love them, so fuck you all.

After all that talk, Wanda makes her big reveal: That she will not be sleeping in the hospital anymore either.¬† OMG SO SURPRISING!¬† No wait‚Ķwe already knew that, because why the hell else would Jamie be moving out of Ian’s room?¬† Come on now, Meyer; this is sad, even for you.¬† Ian and Wanda are supposed to be in love, so we already knew they’d end up bunking together, even before you went on and fucking on about all this, but if you’d wanted to even try to keep us in suspense over whether or not it would happen, you shouldn’t have mentioned where Jamie was going before talking about anybody else.¬† I still cannot get over how poor the writing is in this book.¬† I know I should be used to it, but it’s just so much worse than I expected it would be when I started, and than I’ve seen most anywhere else.

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After said reveal, Wanda explains how it came to be that she and Ian officially decided to bunk up, and apparently it was allllll because of Jamie.  Poor Jamie, getting bounced around from room to room, and it being partially his fault that it happens…

Wanda goes on about how nervous she would get every time she thought of talking to Ian about sharing a room with him, because she was sooooo unsure if she imagined the moments she had with him after waking up, and didn’t know if he would even still love her since Melanie (“the body he’d fallen in love with“) was still around (seeee, I knew that would be a problem!¬† It would have to have at least been weird, trying to love someone in a totally different body than they were in before, and not love the person that is in that body now!).

She then goes on about putting her jealousy toward Melanie and the “echoes of love” she felt for Jared behind her, because Ian was “the right partner” for her, but that that wasn’t really all that successful, because she’d see Jared and feel confused and whatever.¬† She mentions that she saw Melanie touch Ian’s arm or hand at times, and then jerk away “as if she’d suddenly remembered who she was“, but that doesn’t make sense to me; whether she had Wanda’s memories or not, she knew them to be two very separate people when they were still both inside the same head, so there’s no way in hell she’d forget who she is and what Ian is to her now.¬†¬† I would hope especially not after how Ian has acted, but I do accept that this book is so fucked up that even Melanie is never going to hold Ian accountable for his actions.

Wanda also says that sometimes Jared would look at her with a searching gaze, and that makes even less sense to me, because Jared never loved Wanda (at least I hope not, or this is ABSOLUTELY fucked up), so there’d be no reason for him to be searching for her in her new body.¬† He has Melanie, that’s what he wanted, so stop flattering yourself, Wanda, and accept that Jared does not love you and he never did.¬† Move on.¬† But preferably not to Ian, because he’s a douchebag.

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Wanda says that she and Ian were together nearly as much as Kyle and Sunny, but she knew it must have been confusing for him to get close to her in her new body, so she assumed that was why he didn’t invite her to come live in his room‚Ķbut that just makes me think he’s actually not so sure he’s attracted to her new body, since her being in Melanie’s body was certainly fucking confusing, yet he took every goddamn opportunity he could find to get her into his room then.¬† I’m sure Meyer will give some fucking bullshit ‘romantic’ reason why he didn’t ask her when she was staying in the hospital, but I’d be willing to bet that’s the real reason.¬† And if it is, in a way I’m kind of glad, because maybe he isn’t a pedophile, and he just had to convince himself that Wanda is not a child just because of her body.

I put way more hope into this book than it could ever deserve, sometimes.

Further proof of my hypothesis, though, is that Wanda says that while they were together, Ian would touch her the way everyone else did, because of how cute she was, but that he wouldn’t kiss her.¬† So he would touch her platonically, but not romantically/sexually‚Ķso yeah, the physical attraction most likely was not there, so yay a little bit.¬† It made Wanda sad though, because it made her think he could never love her in her new body, and that weighed on her heavily as he took her cot to the game room, and then section break.¬† Wheee section break.¬† That means this book will be done soon, yes?!

Oh wait, there’s still like 7 goddamn pages left.¬† Well, fuck.

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‚ĶAnd I’m not sure why that section break was there, because Meyer ended the last section talking about Ian carrying Wanda’s cot into the games room because of the rain, and started after the section break talking about Jamie waving her over to where he put his mattress in the games room (next to Ian’s).¬† So‚Ķuh‚Ķgreat job, Meyer.¬† Useless again.

But wait, this section starts with Wanda saying it’s raining for the first time in more than six months‚Ķhasn’t she been there longer than six months?¬† That’s how I understood the things she said before about how much time had passed.¬† She made it sound like she’d been there for nigh on a year, at least.¬† So is she saying it rained before during her time there, and therefore she knew the answers to her questions about what they do when it’s raining, so it was pointless to ask them‚Ķor is she saying it rained at some point after she was put in Pet’s body, then more than six months passed before the subject was ever broached about her sharing a room with Ian?¬† This doesn’t make sense either way.¬† I can’t imagine Wanda holding out that long without figuring things out; she’s never been patient enough for that before.

Anyway, Wanda’s walking in with her cot, people are laughing and complaining, Sharon is with Doc and Wanda is happy about that because she doesn’t see how horrible they are for each other, for obvious reasons‚ĶJamie calls her over, we find that he still treats her how he did before she was put into Pet’s body, aside from dealing with her strangely small body differently, blah blah blah.

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Jamie tells her that she shouldn’t sleep on her cot, and that they should all just push their mattresses together and sleep in one big bed (her, Ian and himself), because that’s a normal request for a 14 year old to make to his sister‚Ķand then he just goes ahead and starts making said big bed before even waiting for her answer, because why should Wanda ever consent to anything?¬† Especially anything weird?¬† That would be ludicrous.

He tells Ian that he’s going to move in with Brandt and Aaron (which we already knew), then says he’s tired and lays down to go to sleep, leaving Wanda and Ian to talk, I guess.¬† Wanda panics, thinking that Ian’s silence means he’s trying to find a way to get out of the situation, because he knows she knows what it means if he’s not sharing a room anymore‚Ķand then Jeb tells everyone it’s time to go to sleep, so the lights go out.

Ian reaches for Wanda’s hand, then gets down on the mattress and pulls her down with him so that she’s lying in the seam between the mattresses.¬† Uh, what?¬† Why would Meyer add this, if not to make it clear that Wanda is uncomfortable, like she always seems to be when things happen between her and Ian?¬† Why not let her lay on the actual mattress?¬† If you want us to be in support of their relationship, Meyer, you might not want to add subtle clues that it’s not a good relationship, like this one.¬† I do not at all understand why this would have been done in this situation.

Ian keeps holding her hand as they lay there, and asks Wanda if that’s okay.¬† She says it is, even though she must be uncomfortable lying in that crease, and then Jamie rolls over, accidentally knocking himself into Wanda.¬† He apologizes, but Wanda moves anyway, accidentally rolling into Ian because he’s closer than she thought he was.¬† Ahhh, clich√©s.

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Wanda tries to move away to give Ian his space, but he ‘suddenly’ wraps his arm around her instead, and pulls her against him.¬† Yaay.¬† Apparently, being held ‘non-platonically’ by Ian makes Wanda feel as euphoric as the No Pain did, though Meyer of course says that in the most dramatic way possible‚Ķand it also takes away Wanda’s shyness, allowing her to feel bold enough that she rolls to face Ian, causing him to tighten his arm around her.¬† Well, that’s not exactly how shyness works in the real world, most of the time, but sure, Meyer, why not?

Wanda asks him if it’s okay that she’s facing him (really?¬† Do you need permission for everything, when he needs permission for nothing?), so he kisses her forehead and tells her it’s “better than okay“, then they go quiet for a few minutes until he gets the balls to ask her if she wants to share his room with him.¬† Well, actually, no, he just tells her it’s “not right” that he has a room to himself now, and that he doesn’t want to be alone, trying to get her to say what he wants to say for him‚Ķbut she doesn’t, she just keeps leading him to ask by agreeing with him.

Instead, he ends up asking if she’s had enough time to sort things out, because he knows it’s confusing for her with Jared, and I’m just going to say right now that this is fucking bullshit.¬† There’s no way in hell Ian was keeping his distance from her so she could sort things out about Jared, when before she was put in Pet’s body, he wouldn’t keep his fucking hands off her even though he knew she was in love with Jared.¬† Dear god, Meyer, how stupid do you think we are?¬† We’re not going to suddenly believe, after everything Ian has done, that he’s some wonderful, thoughtful, respectful person!¬† He has NEVER acted that way before; that is NOT the legitimate reason he acted the way he did now!¬†¬† I gave you my thoughts on why he really kept his distance from her, and I’m holding to that, because I will NEVER, in ALL MY LIFE, believe that it was because he wanted to give her time to figure things out about her feelings for Jared.¬† FUCK THAT.

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But Wanda giggles when she realizes what he’s saying, because apparently Pet does that (of course she does, she’s small and cute, right?¬† She MUST have the stereotypical personality of someone that fits that description), and tells Ian that she was giving him time to sort things out, because she knew it was confusing for him with Melanie!¬† Oh, tehehe, isn’t that fucking hilarious; both of them were just sooooo respectful that neither of them was willing to say what they really wanted!¬† Isn’t that so fucking cute?

No.¬† No, it’s not.¬† It’s annoying.¬† Thanks for that, Meyer.

Ian is surprised and tells her that Melanie isn’t her, so he wasn’t confused, and she replies with a smile that Jared isn’t him.¬† Cheesy.¬† He responds that Jared is still Jared, and she loves him, which pleasantly surprises Wanda because she thinks he’s jealous again, but she tells him that Jared is her past, and he is her present.¬† Wow, even more cheesy.¬† This is actually kind of sickening.

Oh, but it gets worse, as Ian responds that he’s her future too, if she wants that, his voice “rough with emotion“.¬† Ugggggh, this book.¬† Fuck.¬† And Wanda responds “yes, please“, and I’m just so, so done.¬† This is really, really terrible writing.¬† You have not succeeded at writing a sappy scene from a romance movie, Meyer, you have failed yet again.¬† Congratulations.¬† This attempt is even worse than the last.

And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances, and I was thrilled to remember that I’d been smart enough to lie about my age.

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Ewwwwwwww.  Oh god, I so did not need to read that line.  Thanks for that image, Meyer; fuck.  I need to go scrub my brain now.

Blah blah blah, Wanda and Ian will be “partners in the truest sense” when the rains end (I assume that just means they’ll have sex, given that last line), and she feels a bunch of things about that that make her feel “human” (italics mean it’s important)‚Ķand then we have another section break.

Wait a minute, section break?¬† Why isn’t that the end of the book?¬† All of this was entirely unnecessary, because she could have just left it at Ian and Wanda being in love at the end of the last chapter; we didn’t need to tie up all the loose ends with Jared since this didn’t really actually tie them up anyway, it just went from Wanda still feeling things for him to saying she doesn’t at all cause he’s not Ian with nothing in between, which is the same thing that happened when she was in Melanie’s body‚Ķyet we went over all of it, and we’re still not done somehow.¬† What the fuck.

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So after the section break, she and Ian are more inseparable than ever (ugh), so he goes on a raid with her to “test her new face on the souls“.¬† She goes on again about how weak and useless she is, as if we didn’t already know that, and then whines about how frustrating it was that no one wanted her to go on a raid when Jared had picked her face just because the aliens would trust it.

Of course, she ends up getting what she wants, because she always does, so this was all more pointless annoyance, so I’m just going to skip over all the crap about considering Sunny and whatever the hell because I do not know why we need any of this stuff in the last few pages of the book.

Useless talk about dwindling supplies and who did and did not decide to go on the raid, they’re going north, Wanda’s new body is too excitable so she’s bouncing around when they get to where the van and moving truck are hidden and Ian is laughing at her and holding her hand while they load stuff into the van, which sounds pretty inconvenient.¬† Hard to move too much with only one hand.

Was I too loud?  Too oblivious to my surroundings?  No, of course that was not it.

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No, of course not, because that would imply that something was your fault, and we all know that nothing is ever your fault, because you’re the most perfectest thing ever in the universe.¬† Hate.

Beams of light shine into Jared and Melanie’s faces, but Wanda’s is obscured by Ian’s back, so there are no alien eyes to reflect in the light, and then Wanda sees a group of Seekers that outnumber them standing with guns pointed at them.

One is, of course, pointed at Ian, so Wanda goes all woe is me about why she “let” Ian come with her, and then gets super melodramatic in saying she doesn’t know why life and love go on when there’s no point, when nothing has even fucking happened yet.¬† God, this is annoying.¬† And once again, not romantic at all!

Her “fragile little heart” shatters as she tries to get her suicide pill, but then one of the Seekers tells them all to be calm and not to swallow anything.¬† So I guess others in her group must have gotten their pills out too?¬† Cause they apparently didn’t see Wanda, and she’s the only one that it’s mentioned pulled out a pill‚Ķ

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The man shines his flashlight on his own face, so we get a description of him as though that’s going to matter with like 3 pages left, but the point is that he doesn’t have alien eyes, so they’re clearly not Seekers.¬† He tells them he won’t shoot them if they don’t shoot him, and all his guys put their weapons down, and then he explains that he found their cache and decided to wait there to “make their acquaintance“.¬† Odd tactic in a post-apocalyptic world; most people would just take the stuff and go‚Ķbut of course, everything is wonderful in Meyer-verse, so we couldn’t have that, now could we?

The guy laughs at the surprise that must be showing on the faces of Wanda’s group, and then they all start talking amongst themselves until Jared asks who they are.¬† Blah blah blah, introductions we’re never going to need to have had, and then Wanda notices someone at the back who doesn’t get introduced, but he’s looking at her, so she looks away.

The man (Nate) shakes Jared’s hand, and Jared introduces himself and everyone else, though Ian tries to obscure Nate’s view of Wanda even more after she’s introduced, because she could be a threat for obvious reasons.

Nate is surprised by how many people Jared says live at the caves with them, because he’s never found a group so big before, and then Jared is surprised because that implies that Nate has found others before.¬† So yeah, as I said, there was no way in hell the people in the caves were the only human survivors.¬† It was a stupid thing to say, and this doesn’t make it better.

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Nate tells Jared about the other cells of humans he’s found, and how they trade and whatnot, and then starts into gossip about the blossoming relationships between camps, because this book wasn’t inane enough, before looking to the guy in the back that he didn’t introduce and deciding he might as well deal with him.

La la la, buildup and more buildup, I am so fucking bored, and then it is finally revealed that the guy that wasn’t introduced is named Burns, and he’s an alien who was Nate’s best friend when he was human, so he helps them all out, like Wanda does, so they don’t want anyone to kill him.

Burns points out that Wanda’s an alien too, and says it looks like he’s not the only one who’s “gone native“, and I must say, I find that to be a pretty offensive term to use here, but maybe that’s just me.¬† Wanda likes the term, of course, so she goes up to Burns, they shake hands and introduce themselves, he’s from the Fire World…fuck, I don’t care about any of this shit.

Burns is surprised that he’s not one of a kind, which Wanda thinks is funny since they also have Sunny, and then he says maybe there’s some hope for the world after all, and she says it’s a strange world, so he agrees, and that’s FINALLY the end of the book.

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And I really have no idea why we needed this epilogue at all, as I said.¬† None of this was useful or interesting information, and who gives a fuck that there are more groups of humans, and some that have aliens in them too?¬† We knew Wanda couldn’t be as unique as that, because of Jodi/Sunny, so was this really supposed to be some kind of great revelation?

Why did Meyer spend so much of this book going on and on about how special and different Wanda was, if she intended to introduce characters¬†just like her near the end?¬† Is this supposed to make it seem like she fits in more now?¬† Because it’s really just very stupid, and seems to defeat the point of the entire character.

Also, if so many aliens do this, why hasn’t it become a bigger problem by now?¬† Why haven’t the humans been able to take over again?¬† Uggh I don’t want to think about this book anymore, so I’m not going to bother with that.

I’m done, finally, and that’s good enough for me.¬† There is a ‘bonus chapter’ in my book that’s written from Melanie’s perspective, which I will read, but I’m not going to recap it because I know Mike doesn’t have it in his ebook, and because fuck that, I’ve done enough with this book.

So on Thursday I’ll post the movie review, and then that will be it for The Host.¬† Thank god!

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(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

What??¬† Seriously?¬† This is seriously how this book ends?¬† Well, aside from the epilogue, anyway, but still, REALLY?¬†¬† I mean, I knew it was going to be bad, don’t get me wrong, but‚Ķwow.¬† I am honestly almost speechless at the moment.¬† I don’t even know where to begin here.

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So this chapter has the same title as chapter 1, and almost the same first line, because Meyer is SO FUCKING CLEVER I CAN HARDLY STAND IT.¬†¬† Surprise surprise, Wanda is waking up in a new body, same as she did at the beginning of the book, and having to go through that body’s final memories.¬† Because anyone actually believed she was just going to die at the end.¬† Come on, Meyer.

Blah blah blah, Wanda is surprised more than she’s ever been, both because she didn’t expect to have any memories since she was supposed to be dead, and because of the nature of the memories, which start out with an entirely pointless paragraph about ruffles and Flowers and how boring Earth flowers are but they smell omgsogood‚Ķ yeah.¬† Shouldn’t have expected this to start any other way, I guess.¬† It wouldn’t make any sense if the book stopped being terrible now!

Continuing the memory, there’s a mention of Cloud Spinner, and the way that person is referred to, it sounds as though they would be ‘Wanda’s’ (since this is clearly not Wanda’s memory but we don’t know whose it is yet, just that it belongs to whoever’s body Wanda’s in) mother, and it sounds as if ‘Wanda’ is quite young.¬† ¬†She says she’s “almost grown“, so Cloud Spinner can’t mother her forever, and makes a comment about her mother following her and how she “doesn’t need a jacket” because it’s warm‚Ķand acts very much like a child in thinking “I won’t look at her.¬† Maybe she’ll think I can’t hear and she’ll go home“.

So‚Ķthe body Wanda’s been put into sounds very much like that of a child, and a child young enough to still have her mother follow her around, at that.¬† Um‚Ķwow.¬† Really?¬† Wanda is supposed to be a love interest for Ian, who is older than Stryder is, and she’s being put into the body of a child?¬† Do we really need to add paedophilia to the list of horrible traits Ian has?

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‘Wanda’ is interrupted by someone speaking to her, so she turns to look, and doesn’t recognize the person before her.¬† Wanda (actual Wanda) realizes she does recognize the face, though; it’s ‘her’ face, meaning that the person talking to ‘Wanda’ is Melanie (I’m going to call her Melanie now that she’s got her own body back.¬† I don’t know why, but it just feels right), but Wanda is confused, because she doesn’t remember any of this happening.

Melanie introduces herself to ‘Wanda’ and tells her she’s new to town and thinks she’s lost, so ‘Wanda’ asks her where she was trying to go, and offers her a drive there (offering for her mother to do the driving, I assume).¬† Melanie turns down the drive, saying she was just going for a walk but got lost, so her destination can’t be far, and mentions the name of the street she’s attempting to find.

‘Wanda’ is excited to hear the street name because it means Melanie is a new neighbour, and she looooves new friends (yep, definitely a child), and tells Mel that the street she’s looking for is just around the second corner, but there’s a shortcut through an alley nearby that will take her straight there.

I choose to picture it like this.

I choose to picture it like this.

Melanie asks ‘Wanda’ if she can show her the shortcut (so if we hadn’t figured out already that she’s planning to kidnap ‘Wanda’, it’s now become super clear), and asks ‘Wanda’s’ name.¬† ‘Wanda’ agrees to show her the way, making me wonder how she has not yet noticed that Melanie is not an alien, and also why the ‘souls’ are so trusting that it makes it this easy to kidnap them (and if they are that trusting and don’t even notice when someone’s human, why the humans haven’t overtaken them yet – or better yet, how the humans ever lost to them in the first place), and tells Mel that her name is Petals Open to the Moon, but she goes by Pet.

‚ĶPet.¬† I’m going to have to call Wanda ‘Pet’.¬† Why do I keep thinking this book has reached its peak in terms of stupidity?¬† There’s always something else.¬† Pet.¬† Fucking Pet.¬† Ugh.

Pet (seriously, that makes me shudder) asks Melanie where she’s from, and Mel asks if Pet means San Diego or the Singing World, so she’s somehow managed to convince Pet that she is an alien, despite that she would not have the eyes for it, because if Wanda doesn’t remember this, it was obviously done after she was removed.¬† So‚Ķwhat?¬† Why would Pet fall for that?¬† Is she that young, or is this going to be another case of Meyer thinking that people act differently at certain ages than they really do?¬† Cause she’d have to be like 2 or 3 not to notice‚Ķand even then, my 3 year old would‚Ķ

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Pet tells Melanie that there are two Bats living on her street, so Melanie says she’ll have to say hello, but Pet can tell that Melanie has grown tense when she says it, and notices her glancing toward the alley, where “a man and a boy” are waiting, the boy looking nervous.¬† So‚ĶPet is observant enough to notice a slight tensing of Melanie’s voice, and connect that to what’s made her feel tense, but isn’t observant enough to see that Mel’s a fucking human?¬† How???¬† THINGS ARE NOT THIS CONVENIENT IN THE REAL WORLD, MEYER!

Pet assumes that “the boy” looks nervous because he’s lost too, so she keeps going toward them with Melanie, at which point Wanda realizes that she recognizes the man and the boy as Jared and Jamie, which makes her heart thump‚Ķbut it apparently does so ‘wrong’ because it feels too small.¬† Too small?¬† She really is a young child. I’m sorry, but I can’t get over how incredibly fucking wrong this is already.

Melanie introduces Jared and Jamie to Pet as her friends, so Pet says hello and reaches out to shake Jared’s hand, at which point he grabs her hand tightly and pulls her up against him, which (for good reason) scares her because she doesn’t understand what’s going on.¬† Did no one warn her about the danger of humans?¬† Did she really not notice that they’re all human, and think that might be a threat?¬† Can she not figure out what might be going on here??

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Jared covers Pet’s face and sprays some kind of mist at her, which I have to assume is Still since it supposedly tastes like raspberries, so they somehow got that since Wanda was removed‚Ķwhich makes no sense, unless I just forgot them getting it previously‚Ķbut no, they couldn’t have, because Doc wouldn‚Äôt have used chloroform on Wanda when he put her under if he had Still on hand, so yeah, this is just another case of nothing really adding up that Meyer surely won’t bother to explain.

Pet passes out, and then that’s the end of the memory and we’re back to the present, with someone ‘familiar’ asking Wanda if she can hear them.¬† Wanda is confused by the fact that they’re referring to her as ‘Wanda’, but also doesn’t feel like Petals Open to the Moon is quite the right name for her either, so she starts to panic.¬† She pictures Pet’s mother and wonders where she is, then gets confused again because she realizes that Pet’s mother isn’t really her mother, before she hears another voice calling her back.

She says this voice sounds familiar but also not, because it sounds like her, and then she sets to trying to find Pet, but can only find Pet’s memories in the end.¬† This confuses me for reasons I’ll bring up later, because at this point in the chapter we technically don’t have enough information for me to be confused by it.

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Someone Wanda doesn’t recognize says to use the Awake on her, which is done, and then Wanda feels her mind clear.¬† At that point, she realizes that she’s lying down, but thinks it doesn’t feel right because it feels like she has shrunk.¬† She also realizes that someone is holding her hands, and starts to notice the smell of the place, then has to figure out how to open her eyes because apparently it takes actual effort for her to figure out how to move her eyelids for some reason.

Another familiar voice tells her to open her eyes, and the sound of the voice makes her get all tingly inside, which is nothing her body has ever felt before, so that’s clearly Ian speaking, because only the biggest douchebag in existence could make her feel like that.¬† She wants very badly to see the face that goes with Ian’s voice, and then the colour of his eyes fills her mind and she realizes that her name is, indeed, Wanda/Wanderer.

Someone lightly touches her face, lips and eyelids, so I’d say that’s Ian giving her little kisses that would be totally sweet if they were not from Ian, but from him I continue to just want to stab him‚Ķand the kisses on her eyelids help her find her eyelids, so she’s able to open them.¬† How did she find them when she woke up in Stryder’s body?¬† No one kissed or touched them then‚Ķ

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Someone yells out excitedly when they notice she’s waking up, and Wanda realizes that it’s Jamie, which makes her heart jump.¬† When her eyes focus she sees blue, but not the right blue because it’s not Ian’s eyes (though I don’t know what it is), and then a hand touches her face and says her name, so she turns her head toward the voice (and the movement apparently doesn’t feel like it used to, but does feel the way it always felt.¬† I hate you, Meyer. ¬†This shit is so fucking stupid) and sees the blue she wanted.

She asks Ian where she is, startling herself with the sound of her own voice, as it’s higher pitched than it was in Stryder’s body‚Ķbecause she’s a child.¬†¬† She then asks who she is, and Ian tells her that she’s herself, and she’s right where she belongs.¬† She pulls her hand free of his, intending to touch her face with it, but then gets confused when she sees a hand moving in front of her for a while, because she’s a complete moron and cannot figure out that she’s getting freaked out by her own fucking hand waving in front of her face.¬† Dear god.

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She studies the hand, which she describes as a child’s hand aside from its nails, which are perfectly manicured, and then notices the colour of her skin, which flashes her into a memory of Pet looking at herself in a mirror.

Blah¬† blah blah, she’s thrown off by the memories taking place in civilization because she’s not used to it, except that she is, random description of the room she’s in in the memory and the mirror she’s looking into, then a detailed description of how she looks, which I really could not possibly care less about because of course she’s going to be ohhhh so beautiful because Meyer would not let her be average, and definitely not ugly, especially not with Melanie supposedly being so pretty‚Ķbut no matter what, she’s described as looking very childlike.¬† She definitely has to be very young to have such small features as Meyer describes here.

Wanda demands to know where Pet is, because she sees Pet as being soooo defenseless and innocent, and Doc tells her that she’s tanked and ready to go, just waiting for Wanda to tell them the best place to send her.¬† He shows her the tank, and seeing him brings back a rush of old memories for Wanda.¬† She starts to yell at him, calling him by his real name, asking him why he broke his oath to her, and the misery she feels is apparently new to the body.

Doc tells her that “even an honest man sometimes caves to duress“, which causes someone to scoff, so Doc responds to the scoff by saying that he thinks a knife to the throat counts as duress; a comment he directs to Jared.¬† Jared says Doc knew he wouldn’t use it, but Doc says he actually didn’t; that Jared was very persuasive.

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Why would Jared have done this?¬† How did he know Wanda was going to have Doc kill her?¬† Doc wouldn’t need a knife to the throat to just remove her and put her in a cryotank, which is clearly exactly what he did since they didn’t have Pet’s body then, and that’s all Jared knew was going to happen (and what he wanted to happen)‚Ķso why would he ever have threatened Doc?¬†¬† Did he manage to get Doc to tell him he was going to kill her or something?¬† Tune in next time to get absolutely no answer to any of these questions because for Meyer, that would simply involve too much brainwork!

Wanda trembles at the thought of a knife, so Ian tells her it’s okay and asks if she really thought she could just leave the way she tried to, then sighs joyfully (creepy).¬† Wanda feels better knowing that Ian is happy, but still comments that she told him she didn’t want to be a parasite, before being interrupted by Melanie demanding to be let through to see Wanda (with, of course, a description of how Melanie looks, in case we forgot).

Melanie tells Wanda that they know exactly what she doesn’t want to be, but they’re human, so they’re selfish and they don’t always do the right thing, and she might as well deal with it.¬† Thanks, Mel.¬† You’re truly a credit to the human race.

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Wanda is excited to see that Melanie is okay, so Melanie smiles and gives her a hug.¬† She says of course she’s okay, and Wanda will be okay too, then reassures her that they didn’t just “grab the first body they saw“.¬† Jamie butts in then, saying he wants to tell Wanda the story, and when she sees him, Wanda grabs his hand and says his name excitedly.

Jamie talks like a kid again about how ‘cool‘ it is that Wanda is smaller than him now, to which she responds that she’s still older because her birthday is in two weeks, stopping herself from saying the truth, which is that she’s only sixteen, about to be seventeen (she tells them she’ll be eighteen on her birthday).¬† She doesn’t want to say her real age because she doesn’t want to go through what Melanie did with Jared in terms of convincing him she’s old enough for him, because “Ian was every bit as¬†honourable¬†as Jared“.

…

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What?!?¬† How is Ian anywhere close to as honourable as Jared?? He backstabs and abuses anyone who doesn’t do exactly what he wants all the time, he is the only one who’s significantly physically hurt her on any occasion aside from Kyle, he would not let up on touching and kissing her even when she directly TOLD him to stop, he didn’t give a shit that he was doing inappropriate things with Jared’s girlfriend, and even seemed to think he was more justified than Jared in his feelings, he took away Wanda’s power to make her own decisions entirely, etc. etc. etc.!

He would definitely sleep with her, even if she was too young, because he’s FUCKING CREEPY AND HORRIBLE, and he’d tell himself and her that it was okay to do that because she, the alien, is not as young as her body is.¬† HE IS IN NO WAY HONOURABLE, AND TO EVEN COMPARE HIM TO JARED IS A HUGE OFFENSE!

Does Meyer actually believe this statement to be true?? I can’t see why she’d put it in otherwise!¬† It scares the shit out of me to think that ANYONE in the world could see Ian as an honourable person, and to know that Meyer is enforcing to young girls that that kind of behaviour is honourable!¬† That is atrocious!

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Wanda notices that Melanie and Ian both react to the mention of her age with surprise, because her body looks so much younger than eighteen, so‚Ķwhat is the deal with Pet’s body?¬† Why is it so small?¬† By the age of 16, which she technically is (and definitely by 17), most females have grown to their full adult height, and their facial features have developed into a much closer approximation of what their adult features will be than Meyer described here‚Ķso does Pet’s body have some kind of disorder?

Even if it does, though, why would she act so childlike if she was actually in her late teens?  This really must be another case of Meyer not knowing how individuals act at certain ages, because she acts even younger than Jamie does, when Jamie is both younger than her and was written too young even before considering that.

And why would Pet’s mother have been following her around? From what Wanda said, when a soul is put into a child’s body (and as we know, this one isn’t even young enough to be a child), the child does not act like a normal human child, it acts like a grown human in a small body.¬† That’s how she was able to tell that the baby in the park was human; because it was acting like a baby, not an adult‚Ķso Pet would never have acted as immaturely as she did here, and her mother wouldn’t follow her around, because even if she wasn’t legitimately almost of adult age, she would still be considered to be grown enough that she wouldn’t need her mother watching her constantly.¬† Especially since even human mothers don’t follow their 16/17 year olds around, for the most part, because they can take care of themselves well enough by that age, and humans are supposedly less trusting than aliens are.¬† I can’t make any sense of this.

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Wanda realizes that the fact that she lied about her age in order to make sure she wouldn’t encounter any frustration in trying to get Ian to bone her means that she has “claimed” him as her partner, which means that she will be staying on Earth with her ‘family’.¬† She starts to get choked up about that, but then Jamie pats her face (O.o what the fuck? ¬†I’ve had that done to me; it’s the most annoying thing ever, and it’s usually only done by YOUNG children) to get her attention.

He tells her that Jared and Melanie let him come with them on the raid to get her body, which she says she knew because Pet remembered it, then glares at Melanie (I assume for tricking Pet the way she did).  Jamie goes on to explain that they tried not to scare Pet because she looked so fragile and nice, and then describes how they picked her out.

He says Melanie thought they should get someone who was young so they would have a bigger percentage of their life spent as a soul, but not too young, because Wanda wouldn’t have wanted to be a child.¬† So why go with this one if Melanie herself was surprised to find that Pet was as old as she is?¬† Obviously, Melanie thought that Pet was younger, so did she intentionally pick one out that she thought might be too young, to dissuade Wanda from Ian or Ian from Wanda?¬† I hope so, but I also think that’s a bit too much to hope for‚Ķ

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He goes on to say that Jared picked Pet’s face because no one could distrust it since she doesn’t look even slightly dangerous, so they’d be more apt to try to protect her (I thought the aliens did that anyway?¬† Are they talking about getting humans to protect her?¬† Cause either way, she’s still an alien‚Ķ), and then he (Jamie) got the final say in who was picked, because he wanted to pick someone who looked like her (meaning her personality, I assume; making the face match the disposition).

“‘And I thought this looked like you.¬† Because she sort of looks like an angel, and you’re good like that.¬† And real pretty.¬† I knew you would be pretty.’

Yeah, of course she’d be pretty; there’s no room for anything other than prettiness in Meyer’s world, as I mentioned before‚Ķbut an angel?¬† Really?¬† Damn, Jamie, she’s got you fooled; spend 5 minutes inside her head and you’ll see that she’s far from an angel, and a pretty face would not actually match her personality all that well.¬† This is disgusting to me.

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Jamie says that Ian didn’t come with them because he didn’t care what she looked like, so he just stayed with Wanda’s cryotank.¬† Apparently, Ian wouldn’t let anyone else touch the tank, so Jamie wasn’t allowed to help with the removal procedure, but he was allowed to watch it.¬† I can see Ian guarding Wanda’s tank like it would save his life, but I can’t see him not caring what she looks like, given the stuff she asked him before about what would happen if she was in a different body.¬† He would care what she looked like, because he’s not oh so wonderful and only attracted to her personality, as Meyer would like us to believe he is.

On that topic, shouldn’t it be pretty uncomfortable for Wanda to know that Ian has been attracted to Melanie’s body, and that he may still be, if he finds it more his ‘type’ or just generally more attractive than Pet’s body (which I kind of hope he does, because otherwise he IS a paedophile)?¬† She’s been pretty damn jealous before, so I can’t see how that wouldn’t cross her mind at some point.¬† She also knows he’s touched and kissed Mel’s body, and I’d have to think that would be weird/uncomfortable/upsetting too, but of course Meyer won’t get into that because it would be inconvenient.¬† It wouldn’t fit her storyline where everything is great and everyone loves each other.

Ian squeezes Wanda’s hand and tells her that he held her in his hand and she was so beautiful, and that line just sends a shudder right through me.¬† I get what he’s saying, and yes it is the truth of the situation, but it sounds like something a creepy stalker would whisper to their victim, or like we’re about to launch into some kind of horror movie.¬† The fact that I’m supposed to find that line romantic, beautiful and touching is even more disturbing.

Yep, disturbing like this.  Very much like this.

Yep, disturbing like this. Very much like this.

Wanda gets teary-eyed over it, though, and then Jamie asks her if she likes the body, and if there’s anyone in there with her.¬† She says she can’t find anybody else, just Pet’s memories, because Pet’s been in there so long that she can’t remember any other name for the body, or a time that Pet wasn’t in it.

But‚Ķwait, how does she have Pet’s memories?¬† Did Pet’s memories transfer to the human brain?¬† I mean, I knew the human brain and the alien one could communicate, but does this mean Melanie still has all of Wanda’s memories of her past lives before she was a human?¬† How does that make sense?¬† At the beginning of the book there was discussion of Wanda pretty much ‘uploading’ Melanie’s memories, but does it go the other way as well?¬† That’s the only way I could see the human body retaining the alien’s memories after the alien was removed.

Pet is still alive, with her own brain and memories, in the cryotank, and Wanda took her memories with her into every other body she went to, so Pet obviously would have taken hers with her too‚Ķso if Pet’s body has no memories from before Pet, shouldn’t it just have no memories?¬† Why can Wanda access another¬†alien’s memories?¬† I dunno, I’m just going to assume Pet loaded them into the human brain or something, cause otherwise there is zero sense to be made of this.

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Melanie pipes up and tells Wanda that she’s not a parasite because though the body didn’t belong to Pet, there was also no one else to ‘claim’ it.¬† She says they waited to make sure, which means they kept the human body alive without an alien in it almost as long as they did with Jodi, waiting to see if the human would wake up.

This comment makes Wanda question what happened to Jodi, and she feels so anxious she decides she has to sit up, so Ian helps her do so.¬† From her new position, she can see everyone that’s in the room, which is Doc, Jeb, Mandy, Jamie, Melanie, Jared‚Ķand then we get stuck on Jared, who has his arms around Mel’s waist, which Wanda decides is the only way it would ever feel right to see him; touching her and not wanting anything to ever come between them.

She realizes seeing him like that with Melanie still causes her pain and heartbreak, and she’s upset because that means she still loves Jared, even though she barely seemed to give a shit about him before she left Mel’s body, because she was so distracted by Ian.

Why do we have to see Wanda’s jealousy of Melanie and Jared’s relationship instead of the happy reunion that must have taken place between the two of them when Melanie woke up a human again?¬† That would have made a much better scene, and a story between them would have made a much better book, but instead we’re stuck with this crap, supposed to believe Wanda loves Jared when she spends most of her time fawning over an abusive fuckwad.

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Annnd then we get to know who the rest of the people in the room are, but I’ve completely lost interest in that, so moving on.¬† Doc says Jodi never did respond, though they tried as long as they could, and Wanda begins to get upset, thinking that Jodi must have died.¬† She keeps looking around the room at the people there, as Doc describes how they kept the body alive through hydration, but they had no way to feed her so they were worried about atrophy‚Ķand then ohhh my god it’s a miracle; Wanda sees Sunny (in Jodi’s body) standing next to Kyle, so everyone gets a happy ending.¬† Realistic book is realistic. ¬†And it wasn’t rude at all to completely avoid eye contact with Doc while he was talking about something potentially serious.

Wanda calls out to Sunny, who comments on how she got to stay like Wanda did, and then sadly says she’s still trying to find Jodi, and she’ll keep looking.¬† Doc explains that Kyle asked them to put Sunny back in when it got to the point where they thought they might lose Jodi, and again, I have to ask:¬† How the hell did they know how to perform an insertion?¬† Did Mandy show them?

‚ĶOh, I see what Meyer did here.¬† She had Mandy show Doc how to do an insertion on Jodi’s body to put Sunny in, because otherwise Jodi would have died, so Mandy would be willing to insert an alien to keep her alive‚Ķwhich would mean that Doc would know how to do an insertion, so he could perform one on Pet’s body to put Wanda in, which Mandy might have been less okay with, since they did abduct Pet to use as a host and all.¬† So she made it necessary that Doc do one so she could justify one being done on Wanda.¬† Convenient.¬† I hate it.

Violet-ahs-hate

Wanda stares at Sunny and Kyle for a minute, then continues looking around the room, which makes Ian a bit nervous, so he asks if she’s okay.¬† She responds that she doesn’t know and that she feels weirder than she expected to, like she does when she switches species, but then she looks into Ian’s eyes and feels all lovey dovey, which makes everything okay.

Ian asks if she thinks she can tolerate staying on Earth, then Jamie squeezes her hand and Melanie and Jared put their hands on top of his, and other people touch her and smile at her.  Reassurance, I guess?

Wanda wonders how much No Pain Doc gave her, because everything’s glowing, and I know this is supposed to be like‚Ķshe’s glowing from happiness or some shit, but given how much medication Doc supposedly gave to the gunshot victims, he probably did give her way too much.¬† And I have no idea why that’s so amusing to me.

Ian brushes Wanda’s hair away and touches her cheek, which causes a jolt of electricity to go through her skin.¬† I had no idea Ian had lightning powers!¬† That’s so cool!¬† Y’know, if Ian is actually a supervillain, I may be able to forgive all the ways he’s been an abusive asshole up to this point, cause that’s kinda how supervillains are supposed to be.¬† If only he could use his lightning powers for good instead of evil!¬† He should just zap all the aliens to death!

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‚ĶYeah, I’m clearly losing it, thanks to this book.¬† Sorry about that.

Wanda starts to blush at Ian’s touch, feeling her heart begin to fly (ugh), and finds herself feeling shy, which is new, so it must be a trait the body had or something.¬† She says she supposes she could stay if it will make Ian happy, but Ian says that’s not good enough; it has to make her happy too.¬† Umm…since when do you care if she’s happy?¬† And since when does she actually get a choice in this sort of thing?

Remember, Ian, you’re the one who forced her into a tribunal because you decided she couldn’t make decisions for herself; what is she supposed to do here?¬† If it doesn’t make her happy to stay, are you going to actually let her go?¬† I highly doubt it!¬† Meyer, come on, we’re not falling for it; Ian will never be a nice, caring, considerate guy.¬† He doesn’t give a fuck if she’s happy or not.¬† Stop pretending he does.

Wanda looks at him for a second, but then gets too shy again and looks away, saying she thinks it might make her “very, very” happy.¬† She runs over a list of different emotions in her mind, thinking how she’ll get to feel all of them, and then Ian pulls her face up to his so she’s looking into his eyes again, and says, “Then you will stay.”¬† And Ian has decreed it, so it shall be, right?

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Ian kisses Wanda, neither of them caring about the audience they have, and Wanda is pleased with how easy and ‘right’ it feels, because there’s no other person in her head dividing her from him.¬† She tells him she’ll stay, and the chapter ends with her remarking on how this begins her tenth life.

See?¬† It was supposed to be impactful, and the end was supposed to feel like one of those climactic, romantic scenes from movies where everyone cries tears of joy because the characters they wanted to get together got together, and they said all the right scripted lines, and whatever the hell‚Ķbut that’s not what this feels like.¬† Not at all.

The end feels cheesy, contrived and clich√©d, because it is, and these are not characters I wanted to see get together, because Ian is abusive, creepy and horrible, as previously outlined, so I do NOT approve of their little love scene!¬† I’m not happy for them!¬† I might have been happy for Wanda if she had been sent off planet, never to return, as long as she learned to be less of a bitch in her next life‚Ķbut with regards to Ian, I’d only be happy if he died!

I don’t know why Ian still hasn’t had to deal with any repercussions for what he did, and why no one is concerned about deliberately setting Wanda up to be with him!¬† He could be dangerous.

Breaking-Bad

God, I hated this chapter.¬† There was literally nothing about it I liked, and so much I hated.¬† What a fucking terrible ending.¬† I know there’s an epilogue, but this is technically the last chapter, so‚Ķugh.¬† Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to the epilogue, because I can’t imagine it’s any better than this piece of shit.

At least, though, the next chapter will be my last‚Ķthen it’s the movie review, and I’m finally done.¬† Thank god for that.¬† I need to figure out what to do with this book after I’m done‚Ķany suggestions?

See you next time.

(See Mike’s take on this chapter at http://emptystress.wordpress.com!)

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