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Q&A: Unattractive

The one hundredth (!) question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who was the least attractive person you were ever attracted to?”

I hate to say it, but this is a bit of a hard one for me, because when a relationship ends for me, once I get closure I tend to be completely incapable of finding that person attractive ever again. Not just “I don’t want to date you again”, but rather that I don’t really see what I found attractive about them in the first place. That is not all-encompassing, of course; usually we can remain friends, and I can see a lot of redeeming qualities in them (and some have so many that I will still “gush” about all their positive traits), but it certainly affects how I view them physically, because for me, physical attraction is largely based on my mental/emotional connection to an individual.

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That being said, there are a couple of people who popped to mind right away when I read this question, because the negative qualities that they had that broke us up are still quite apparent in them, to the point that I’m not sure how I ever “put up with” them, and of course, that makes them quite unattractive to me in the physical sense, as well. It is to the point, with a couple of them, that I just absolutely do not understand what I ever saw in them physically, because when I look closely at pictures of them now, I cannot find anything at all that I would be attracted to.

Now, I guess I should say that I have never dated anyone that I found unattractive before entering the relationship. My “tastes” are very broad, so I can find a large range of different types of people attractive, because again, it’s mostly based on personality for me anyway, so I found them all attractive when I was dating them. It’s just looking back on them now that makes me able to view them as unattractive.

But even though a couple of people came to mind when I read this question, there is only one person whose photos, if I see them, will consistently make me feel actively nauseous, and that’s the guy I very briefly dated before I met my current boyfriend. It’s kind of funny, because I’ve been in relationships where I have been raped, used and abused, yet I can still find those individuals more attractive than this guy. Why? Because he was a potentially very scary, and definitely very abusive jackass, who tried to manipulate me into believing he was otherwise (and that I was horrible), because he knew I would be vulnerable to that, given my history…and he let that show far too soon.

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When we first met, he seemed like the perfect guy; absolutely “too good to be true”…and he was. The first time I saw him, I found him physically attractive, and that only grew the more he shared with me, and the more I developed feelings for him, but through it all, I couldn’t shake this nasty little feeling of anxiety that I had about him. It was like he was saying and doing all the right things, and I knew I should trust him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually do so. Something was not right, and my gut knew it, but he kept convincing me that it was just the abuse from my past clouding my mind and making me doubt both him and myself. He kept assuring me he would never do those things, and that he didn’t know how anyone could. But still, I just couldn’t get comfortable with him.

In total, we only dated for about a month, and in that time, cracks had already started to show in who he claimed to be. He would get frustrated with me for not being able to make decisions that I had absolutely no basis with which to make, while he did, and he would push me into situations I was not comfortable with, like meeting my friends (which was a huge red flag for me; I’m usually very excited for my significant other to meet my friends, but in this case, I didn’t want him to at all, and kept trying to find ways to stop it from happening, even though I wasn’t quite sure why I didn’t want it…at least I did manage to lie my way out of him meeting my family), and then talk shit about those things (and my friends) later on. He preached “no judgment”, yet he constantly judged me and the people in my life, considering all of us to be “lesser than” because we weren’t as “worldly” as he was.

He also tried to diminish me by repeatedly pointing out things he liked or was interested in (activities, favourite foods, etc.), and talking about how disappointed he was that he wouldn’t get to enjoy those things because “I couldn’t” (because of fears, allergies, foods I disliked, whatever), even though in most of those situations, I tried and tried to get through to him that I wanted to try them. It didn’t matter what I said, or how much I genuinely wanted to try something (or could point out reasons he was wrong in saying I wouldn’t enjoy it, or modifications that could easily be made so I would); if it was something he really liked that he could find any way I might not like, he would essentially ban me from trying it so that he could continue to remind me of how much I was holding him back from the things he loved. Every weekend he visited, we had to have pizza, because he refused to cook for me because I “wouldn’t like what he likes” (even though he claimed to be a phenomenal cook) so it was “for my own good”, and made me very uncomfortable with the idea of cooking for him, because everything I liked was apparently so “bland”.

There were other red flags, as well, but the biggest thing really was how uncomfortable I felt with him, and how I very quickly stopped wanting him to come visit. I didn’t feel right about any of it, and I didn’t see how we could have any sort of future, but he kept telling me how good he was going to be for me, and how I was letting my anxiety hold me back, so because I didn’t want to do that, I stayed.

Then, on Canada Day, we went on a road trip to Six Flags, and that’s where it all fell apart completely. I won’t get into all the gory details, but suffice it to say, I almost had to find another way to get home, and his true colours really showed during that trip. I only made it back to Canada because I managed to convince him I still wanted to be with him, and that I was going to comply with doing the things he wanted to do…but once we were back, I dropped the act and told him “no” when he tried to force me to have sex with him instead of meeting my friend, who had cooked me dinner and was waiting for me (after already telling him no to his suggestion that he invite himself along), and that was the end of that. He was so pissed that I said “no” to him, that I never saw him again after that, aside from when we exchanged a couple of things we’d borrowed from one another (at which point I met him in the parking lot and didn’t even speak to him, because I wanted him to leave as quickly as possible). And I’m not sure I’d ever been happier than I was when I realized it was actually finally over.

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So, yeah. Too much, too soon, too scary, and I even got an infection (not an STI, to be clear :P) out of it in the end (which, of course, was all my fault according to him, even though the doctor said otherwise), and now, seeing pictures of him or thinking too much about what happened with him legitimately makes me feel like throwing up. I hate knowing he was in my life for even just as long as he was, and I think he’s the only person I’ve been with who I 100% wish I had never met. I know what I saw “in him”, but it wasn’t who he actually was, and who he actually is is by far the most unattractive person I’ve ever met. And that is all I’ll say about that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What has been your most difficult breakup?”)

Q&A: Scary

The ninety-ninth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the scariest person you’ve ever known?”

This is a really hard question, because there are so many different ways a person can be “scary”, and I’m having a hard time picking between the ones I’ve encountered. Generally, for me, people who lack empathy are the scariest, because that makes them capable of pretty much anything…but there are even various ways that that can manifest, so that doesn’t narrow it down a whole lot.

Honestly, I’m not sure I want to get into describing the various scary people I’ve known right now, though…so I’ll just say I feel lucky to have never met anyone truly horrifying yet, and I hope I never do. So that’ll be that for now!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who was the least attractive person you were ever attracted to?”)

Q&A: Rich

The ninety-eighth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the closest you’ve ever come to being rich?”

I…really don’t think that has ever happened. I’ve never really come into a sum of money at any point, and when my income increased it didn’t make me any ‘richer’, because it was at a time when situations changed for me such that I wouldn’t have even survived if I hadn’t started making more money (which I am very grateful for)…and has since gone quite in the other direction. So I really don’t think there has ever been a time in my life when I was close to being rich. It would be nice if there could be, someday… :P

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who is the scariest person you’ve ever known?”)

Q&A: Patience

The ninety-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What part of your day-to-day life requires the most patience?”

Well, when the kids are around and in bad/defiant moods, I’d say then…but when they’re not around, I’m not sure.  Dealing with traffic and poor drivers? But I guess I don’t really drive *every* day…hmm. I really don’t know if I have an answer for this one, because the kids aren’t around every day, and I’m not sure I have to actively practice being patient otherwise (and even when the kids are around, they are largely fairly easy to deal with, so not even really then). So I guess no part of my day-to-day life requires a lot of patience…which is good, because patience is something I need to work on.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the closest you’ve ever come to being rich?”)

Q&A: Revenge

The ninety-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the person you’d most like to take revenge on?”

To be honest, no one. There is definitely a list of people that I could (and some would argue should) feel this way about, but you know, when I’m being honest with myself and everyone else, I don’t actually have any real desire to take revenge on anyone. I do think there are some people who deserve to be punished for their actions and the way they have treated other people, but I don’t think that I should be the one to do that punishing, and really, when it comes right down to it, I would prefer that those people recognize what they’ve done to others, learn and change as a result, and then make right the wrongs they’ve done as best they can, instead of being hurt themselves.

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Now, I am well aware that in some cases, that is absolutely impossible. There are some people who, for one reason or another (but usually due to mental issues), will never be able to see themselves as they truly are, and therefore will never (at least fully) realize the harm they’ve caused and continue to cause through their actions, so I know I should be vengeful toward those people for how they’ve hurt me and those I care about…but I still can’t bring myself to feel that way. I just really wish, and will always hope, that they are able to see the truth someday. If that has to happen through suffering on their part, fine; I do accept that sometimes there is no other way to learn a lesson like that…but I still don’t prefer it.

I’m not sure I would have felt this way even a couple of months ago, if I’d been asked this question; I feel like before, I certainly would have been able to think of at least one person I’d like to get revenge on for how they have treated people I care about…but I really, honestly, do not feel that way anymore. Not even about the person some would say I should feel that way about most. I don’t know what changed, and I’m not sure whether this is a change for the good or the bad, but…even the person I’m thinking of, if I could have anything happen to them right now, I would want them to heal. I would want them to find mental clarity, to see what they’ve done and really acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused, and then to do something about it.

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Again, I do realize that that’s most likely impossible, and maybe I’m just becoming more and more naive as I get older, but try as I might, I can’t bring myself to wish revenge on anyone anymore. It’s just not in me now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What part of your day-to-day life requires the most patience?”)

Q&A: Forgiving

The ninety-fifth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the hardest thing to forgive?”

For me, the hardest thing to forgive is anything that someone does despite knowing how much it will hurt me. More specifically than that, it’s anything someone does that they know will hurt me because they know it’s been done to me before and was overwhelmingly painful then, especially if they know it caused trauma to me.

Unfortunately, that is something that’s happened a lot in my life; it tends to be that people “can’t see how anyone could do that” to me when they first meet me, but then within a few months, they turn around and do the exact same thing. Sometimes, I’m not sure if they even realize they’re doing it…other times, I’m very sure they know they are.

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I feel like it should be pretty obvious why that would be the hardest type of thing for me to forgive, but just in case it isn’t, the reason why is that at that point, not only are they hurting me, but they’re actively betraying my trust and, in effect, lying to me; showing me that I am not worth any more to them than I was to the others who did the same thing that they claimed to find so atrocious when they met me.

Examples of the kinds of things people do that fit into this category are using me, cheating on me, being abusive in one way or another, being reliably unreliable, etc. I know that I’m the one who has the real problem here, because I keep drawing those types of people to me, and then letting them in and opening myself up to being hurt…but it’s hard to avoid when you don’t want to shut yourself off to trusting people entirely, and they do a good job of making it seem like they’re not the type of person who would do something like that.

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So, there you have it. The hardest thing for me to forgive is, essentially, betrayal that takes the exact same form as betrayal I’ve suffered previously, when the individual doing the betraying is aware that I’ve been hurt that way before (and especially if they’ve pretended that they can’t imagine doing something like that, knowing all the while that they are fully capable of it and perhaps even intend to do the same thing).

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who is the person you’d most like to take revenge on?”)

Q&A: Deserving

The ninety-fourth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who most deserves your love?”

This is a hard one for me, because I don’t think my love is something super special that people need to be deserving of, so it’s hard to say that I think anyone in particular does or does not “deserve” it. But because I do understand what this question is trying to get at, I guess I would have to say that my son most deserves my love.

Generally, I would say those who have been loyal and kind to me would be deserving of my love, and it can’t really be proven that my son has been especially loyal to me since he’s kind of stuck with me at this age, but I think everything else about him and our relationship kind of overrides that fact, in his case. He has been nothing but a wonderful child ever since he was born; he is sweet, generous, thoughtful, loving, intelligent, funny and loves to make people smile…and he’s madly in love with me. Who could be more deserving than that? :)

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So, there you have it. My lovely son most “deserves” my love, though I still hate to even be saying anything like that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the hardest thing to forgive?”)

Q&A: Painful

The ninety-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”

If it wasn’t already quite obvious, through what I’ve posted before, I’ve been through a lot of shit when it comes to relationships. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been raped, I’ve been abused in more ways than one…it’s good times. But honestly, the most painful thing a lover has ever done to me is not something on that list. The most painful thing was being used…and not just used, but thrown away after, like I was never worth anything the entire time.

I’ve talked about it before, but my ex-boyfriend left me the day before my birthday, because I had the gall to stick up for my 4 year old son when my ex said “bite me” to him. That day, and the weeks that followed it, were the most painful time of my life, not so much because of the loss of him, but because of what it meant. He threw me away not because of what I said, but because I was no longer of any use to him.

See, when I met him, he guilted and pressured me into sex too early, and that should have been my first warning sign of what was to come. I should have seen, then, the path we were going down, because I made it very clear to him in our first conversations that I wasn’t comfortable talking about (and definitely wasn’t comfortable performing) sex early on, and I needed to be with someone who could understand and respect that, and get to know and love me for me before anything sexual happened. He told me he could do that, but followed it up with comments about how he’d been with his ex for two years and never had sex with her the entire time because she was scared of it, and he “hoped” he wouldn’t “have to do that again”.

Much later, I found out that that wasn’t even true; that they had had sex and done other sexual things during their relationship, and that during that time he had also had sex with a friend of his (who he was strictly using for sex, since he knew she was in love with him but he wouldn’t be with her romantically – another red flag I should have given more weight to), but even if that wasn’t the case, he still immediately disrespected what I told and asked of him, by not only guilting me about that right out the gate, but attempting to initiate sex on our second date. Looking back, I’m not sure why I ever saw him again after that since it upset me so much afterwards…but what’s done is done.

After that, he very quickly went from ‘guy who loves his job, has a car and is moving out to his own place soon’ to ‘guy who hates his job and wants desperately to do something else, but can’t because he has too much school debt from taking courses his mother wanted him to take, because she told him he would never be good enough to do what he really wanted…has a car that is falling apart and needs major repairs, and is moving out to a place he can’t afford whatsoever’. But I was too wrapped up in him by that point to see how terrible that was going to be for me, so instead of ending things, I tried to do everything I could to ‘save’ him. I tried to help him get a different job; one that had more hours, better pay and could provide some consistency to his life…I bought him food when he didn’t have enough for even a loaf of bread, I paid his rent, I paid for his car repairs, and after a few months, I let him move in with me, because he was drowning in all the things he couldn’t afford, and it was more financially reasonable for me to just let him live with me than to pay two rents. So he moved in with me and my son’s father.

From there, my son’s father moved out (we had agreed to live together for the first year of my son’s life, then part ways), and I gave him the money and help he needed so he could go to school for what he said he’d always wanted to study. When he was in school, he couldn’t work much (and the second year, did not work at all), so I had to support all of us, which led to me working ridiculous hours, almost every day of the week, to afford to pay for everything. Throughout that time, I also tried to help him with the relationships he had with people in his life, primarily his mother, and tried to give him the emotional support and love he needed to get through, which he claimed he wasn’t getting from anyone else.

When he was done school, he had a hard time finding a job, so again, I supported us. When he finally got one, I thought things were going to get better…but instead, he wound up hating that job, and his hatred combined with the health issues he had developed over the course of our years together, led to me spending all my free time trying to find ways to make things better and easier for him.

After a while, he managed to get another job that he liked much better, and that paid well enough for him to support himself. I got him a 3D printer for his birthday, so he was able to make all of the little creations he’d always dreamed of, and he was ecstatic about that. Things really seemed like they were starting to get better, and I thought maybe, just maybe, we might be okay. His health was still bad, but we were managing it, and everything else was coming together.

And then that fight happened, and it was all over. He just left. Looking back now, it’s no surprise; he didn’t need me anymore, so at the first opportunity to get out, he did. He has since spent his time telling others that I forced him into doing what he did in school (because in the end, he was laid off from his job a few months after he left me, and couldn’t find other work in the field) and that his true passion was the same thing he told me his mother had forced him to do. He’s also told people I abused him, and that I put him in the bad position he ended up in, by taking money from him that wasn’t fair to take (which was actually just money that he owed me, and wasn’t even a third of what he really would have owed me had I charged him for everything I paid out in our time together). God knows what else he’s said, but after everything I did and went through for him, I am, of course, the bad guy. And I know now that he will never see it any other way, as I have been informed that he’s just continued in a similar pattern with the girl he’s with now.

So, that was the most painful thing a lover ever did to me. Used me, then left me like I was worth nothing, and in the most painful way possible, because I was no longer of any use to him…and then continued the pattern with the next girl. 3 years of my life spent trying to help someone and make them happy, and it turned out he never actually wanted me, all along.

But that’s what I’m best at, I guess. I am nothing if not useful, at least for a little while. And I am, above all things, extraordinarily disposable. I’m pretty sure that part will always be true.

Sorry for the lack of gifs in this post…it just didn’t seem fitting. That’s all for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who most deserves your love?”)

Q&A: Confession

The ninety-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What’s the most difficult confession you’ve ever had to make?”

Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and come up with a few confessions I’ve had to make that were difficult, but I’m not sure which would have been the most difficult, because due to my fear of confrontation, I find pretty much all confessions almost impossible. :P Confessions that stand to hurt someone else are certainly the hardest for me, in general, so I’m sure the answer would be one of those….but I’m not sure which.

Perhaps telling someone who really, really loved me that there was just no way we were ever going to be together, because I didn’t feel the same…I’ve had to do that a couple of times, and it’s been really hard. I know how much it hurts to hear that someone you love doesn’t love you, so I just can’t stand making others feel that way, but sometimes it has to happen…so yeah, I don’t know if that’s the absolute most difficult, but those times would certainly be up there. And I’m going to leave it at that, because I feel really egotistical now.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”)

Q&A: Needs

The ninety-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the person most sensitive to your needs?”

Well, this might be the easiest question yet, and the answer is exactly what you’re probably expecting, since I’ve answered similar questions in the same way before: My wonderful boyfriend. I know, I know, I go on about him on this blog, but he really is the best answer to questions like this! I have never met anyone in my entire life as in tune with me and my needs as he is. He fulfills every one, and he does so with either a smile on his face or an expression of genuine empathy and concern, and always with endless patience.

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I’m sure previous questions have made it very clear that he fulfills my needs sexually, but he also fulfills them socially, and he is so sensitive to my mental and emotional needs that he can often identify when there’s something going on with me (and even, sometimes, exactly what it is) before I have even fully realized that there is. He is so incredibly observant it’s unbelievable, to the point that he can notice the slightest difference in my mind or mood immediately when it happens, and he knows when to be concerned and push, and when to let it go. He has been able to figure out problems for me that I didn’t even know I had, when I’ve been feeling upset but don’t know why, and he always knows exactly what to do to make me feel better – and when to do that versus when to just hold me and let me grieve.

I truly never thought it was possible to find someone so sensitive to me and my needs, and who could make everything feel so safe and seamless. I never have to worry about him getting angry with me because I’m upset, I never have to feel alone when something is wrong (even when I try to pull away, he knows just how to bring me back, and he always does), he has more patience than anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m just so lucky that he is so sweet, caring and empathetic. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m so grateful for having him.

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So, yeah. My boyfriend is most definitely the answer for this one, and I love him with all my heart for that. :)

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What’s the most difficult confession you’ve ever had to make?”)

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