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Q&A: Selfish

The one hundred-fourth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When were you most and least selfish?”

I always feel wrong answering these questions, because I feel like there should be an answer that is obvious to me, and I should feel bad for not finding it right away because it means I’m not accepting how selfish I really am…but I’m also aware of how bad that sounds for me on its own, so I’ll just move on. I’m not sure when I have been most and least selfish, so I’ll just pick the first examples of selfishness that come to mind for me.

So, for most selfish, I’ll say I was the most selfish when I convinced my boyfriend to keep his motorcycle, despite that it would have helped him out a lot financially to sell it, just because I didn’t know if I could do without it.

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As for least selfish, I think I’ll go with when I had my son, considering I really didn’t want to have the baby and was very much wanting to go the abortion route, but had him anyway because his father and my family really wanted me to. Though I’m not sure if that counts as unselfish because I was motivated in that direction by massive amounts of guilt…but I’m not going to try to think of another time I was unselfish, so we’ll leave it at that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the one thing about your country that makes you angriest? And proudest?”)

Q&A: Jobs

The one hundred-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What was the job you enjoyed least?”

I want to say delivering papers, because it required me to be up super early in the morning, lugging around a very heavy bag and then bugging people for money a few times a month…but unfortunately, I think I still have to say babysitting was the job I enjoyed least. I feel really bad about saying that, because the kids I babysat were wonderful, and could not possibly have been any better…I was just never good with kids, and I never knew what to do to entertain them. I always felt awkward and uncomfortable around them, and like I hadn’t done enough to make them happy throughout the day, but didn’t know how to change that. So it was basically a constant source of anxiety for me, that had me wishing I could go home every minute of the day…so yeah, we’ll go with that.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When were you most and least selfish?”)

Q&A: Virtue

The one hundred-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “When were you the least virtuous?”

Um, I really don’t know. Sometime during the course of one of my previous relationships, probably? I don’t really find myself to be an especially virtuous person, but at the same time, I don’t think I’m horribly immoral either, so it’s really hard to say. Nothing stands out, at the very least, as a time that I was particularly lacking in virtue. Maybe I’m the least virtuous right now! Yeah, I have no idea. Sorry for the relative lack of answer here!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What was the job you enjoyed least?”)

Q&A: Breakup

The one hundred-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What has been your most difficult breakup?”

Well, I think I’ve mentioned this enough times that I don’t need to go into any real detail about it again, so my last real breakup, from the boyfriend I was with for 3 years. It’s funny, because as I write this, I actually can’t remember at all how much I’ve said about what actually happened, but I’m pretty sure I’ve outlined it all at one point or another, and even if I haven’t, I don’t think it’s super important that I do at this point, so I’ll leave it at that.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “When were you the least virtuous?”)

Q&A: Unattractive

The one hundredth (!) question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who was the least attractive person you were ever attracted to?”

I hate to say it, but this is a bit of a hard one for me, because when a relationship ends for me, once I get closure I tend to be completely incapable of finding that person attractive ever again. Not just “I don’t want to date you again”, but rather that I don’t really see what I found attractive about them in the first place. That is not all-encompassing, of course; usually we can remain friends, and I can see a lot of redeeming qualities in them (and some have so many that I will still “gush” about all their positive traits), but it certainly affects how I view them physically, because for me, physical attraction is largely based on my mental/emotional connection to an individual.

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That being said, there are a couple of people who popped to mind right away when I read this question, because the negative qualities that they had that broke us up are still quite apparent in them, to the point that I’m not sure how I ever “put up with” them, and of course, that makes them quite unattractive to me in the physical sense, as well. It is to the point, with a couple of them, that I just absolutely do not understand what I ever saw in them physically, because when I look closely at pictures of them now, I cannot find anything at all that I would be attracted to.

Now, I guess I should say that I have never dated anyone that I found unattractive before entering the relationship. My “tastes” are very broad, so I can find a large range of different types of people attractive, because again, it’s mostly based on personality for me anyway, so I found them all attractive when I was dating them. It’s just looking back on them now that makes me able to view them as unattractive.

But even though a couple of people came to mind when I read this question, there is only one person whose photos, if I see them, will consistently make me feel actively nauseous, and that’s the guy I very briefly dated before I met my current boyfriend. It’s kind of funny, because I’ve been in relationships where I have been raped, used and abused, yet I can still find those individuals more attractive than this guy. Why? Because he was a potentially very scary, and definitely very abusive jackass, who tried to manipulate me into believing he was otherwise (and that I was horrible), because he knew I would be vulnerable to that, given my history…and he let that show far too soon.

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When we first met, he seemed like the perfect guy; absolutely “too good to be true”…and he was. The first time I saw him, I found him physically attractive, and that only grew the more he shared with me, and the more I developed feelings for him, but through it all, I couldn’t shake this nasty little feeling of anxiety that I had about him. It was like he was saying and doing all the right things, and I knew I should trust him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually do so. Something was not right, and my gut knew it, but he kept convincing me that it was just the abuse from my past clouding my mind and making me doubt both him and myself. He kept assuring me he would never do those things, and that he didn’t know how anyone could. But still, I just couldn’t get comfortable with him.

In total, we only dated for about a month, and in that time, cracks had already started to show in who he claimed to be. He would get frustrated with me for not being able to make decisions that I had absolutely no basis with which to make, while he did, and he would push me into situations I was not comfortable with, like meeting my friends (which was a huge red flag for me; I’m usually very excited for my significant other to meet my friends, but in this case, I didn’t want him to at all, and kept trying to find ways to stop it from happening, even though I wasn’t quite sure why I didn’t want it…at least I did manage to lie my way out of him meeting my family), and then talk shit about those things (and my friends) later on. He preached “no judgment”, yet he constantly judged me and the people in my life, considering all of us to be “lesser than” because we weren’t as “worldly” as he was.

He also tried to diminish me by repeatedly pointing out things he liked or was interested in (activities, favourite foods, etc.), and talking about how disappointed he was that he wouldn’t get to enjoy those things because “I couldn’t” (because of fears, allergies, foods I disliked, whatever), even though in most of those situations, I tried and tried to get through to him that I wanted to try them. It didn’t matter what I said, or how much I genuinely wanted to try something (or could point out reasons he was wrong in saying I wouldn’t enjoy it, or modifications that could easily be made so I would); if it was something he really liked that he could find any way I might not like, he would essentially ban me from trying it so that he could continue to remind me of how much I was holding him back from the things he loved. Every weekend he visited, we had to have pizza, because he refused to cook for me because I “wouldn’t like what he likes” (even though he claimed to be a phenomenal cook) so it was “for my own good”, and made me very uncomfortable with the idea of cooking for him, because everything I liked was apparently so “bland”.

There were other red flags, as well, but the biggest thing really was how uncomfortable I felt with him, and how I very quickly stopped wanting him to come visit. I didn’t feel right about any of it, and I didn’t see how we could have any sort of future, but he kept telling me how good he was going to be for me, and how I was letting my anxiety hold me back, so because I didn’t want to do that, I stayed.

Then, on Canada Day, we went on a road trip to Six Flags, and that’s where it all fell apart completely. I won’t get into all the gory details, but suffice it to say, I almost had to find another way to get home, and his true colours really showed during that trip. I only made it back to Canada because I managed to convince him I still wanted to be with him, and that I was going to comply with doing the things he wanted to do…but once we were back, I dropped the act and told him “no” when he tried to force me to have sex with him instead of meeting my friend, who had cooked me dinner and was waiting for me (after already telling him no to his suggestion that he invite himself along), and that was the end of that. He was so pissed that I said “no” to him, that I never saw him again after that, aside from when we exchanged a couple of things we’d borrowed from one another (at which point I met him in the parking lot and didn’t even speak to him, because I wanted him to leave as quickly as possible). And I’m not sure I’d ever been happier than I was when I realized it was actually finally over.

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So, yeah. Too much, too soon, too scary, and I even got an infection (not an STI, to be clear :P) out of it in the end (which, of course, was all my fault according to him, even though the doctor said otherwise), and now, seeing pictures of him or thinking too much about what happened with him legitimately makes me feel like throwing up. I hate knowing he was in my life for even just as long as he was, and I think he’s the only person I’ve been with who I 100% wish I had never met. I know what I saw “in him”, but it wasn’t who he actually was, and who he actually is is by far the most unattractive person I’ve ever met. And that is all I’ll say about that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What has been your most difficult breakup?”)

Q&A: Scary

The ninety-ninth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the scariest person you’ve ever known?”

This is a really hard question, because there are so many different ways a person can be “scary”, and I’m having a hard time picking between the ones I’ve encountered. Generally, for me, people who lack empathy are the scariest, because that makes them capable of pretty much anything…but there are even various ways that that can manifest, so that doesn’t narrow it down a whole lot.

Honestly, I’m not sure I want to get into describing the various scary people I’ve known right now, though…so I’ll just say I feel lucky to have never met anyone truly horrifying yet, and I hope I never do. So that’ll be that for now!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who was the least attractive person you were ever attracted to?”)

Q&A: Rich

The ninety-eighth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the closest you’ve ever come to being rich?”

I…really don’t think that has ever happened. I’ve never really come into a sum of money at any point, and when my income increased it didn’t make me any ‘richer’, because it was at a time when situations changed for me such that I wouldn’t have even survived if I hadn’t started making more money (which I am very grateful for)…and has since gone quite in the other direction. So I really don’t think there has ever been a time in my life when I was close to being rich. It would be nice if there could be, someday… :P

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who is the scariest person you’ve ever known?”)

Q&A: Patience

The ninety-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What part of your day-to-day life requires the most patience?”

Well, when the kids are around and in bad/defiant moods, I’d say then…but when they’re not around, I’m not sure.  Dealing with traffic and poor drivers? But I guess I don’t really drive *every* day…hmm. I really don’t know if I have an answer for this one, because the kids aren’t around every day, and I’m not sure I have to actively practice being patient otherwise (and even when the kids are around, they are largely fairly easy to deal with, so not even really then). So I guess no part of my day-to-day life requires a lot of patience…which is good, because patience is something I need to work on.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the closest you’ve ever come to being rich?”)

Q&A: Revenge

The ninety-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the person you’d most like to take revenge on?”

To be honest, no one. There is definitely a list of people that I could (and some would argue should) feel this way about, but you know, when I’m being honest with myself and everyone else, I don’t actually have any real desire to take revenge on anyone. I do think there are some people who deserve to be punished for their actions and the way they have treated other people, but I don’t think that I should be the one to do that punishing, and really, when it comes right down to it, I would prefer that those people recognize what they’ve done to others, learn and change as a result, and then make right the wrongs they’ve done as best they can, instead of being hurt themselves.

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Now, I am well aware that in some cases, that is absolutely impossible. There are some people who, for one reason or another (but usually due to mental issues), will never be able to see themselves as they truly are, and therefore will never (at least fully) realize the harm they’ve caused and continue to cause through their actions, so I know I should be vengeful toward those people for how they’ve hurt me and those I care about…but I still can’t bring myself to feel that way. I just really wish, and will always hope, that they are able to see the truth someday. If that has to happen through suffering on their part, fine; I do accept that sometimes there is no other way to learn a lesson like that…but I still don’t prefer it.

I’m not sure I would have felt this way even a couple of months ago, if I’d been asked this question; I feel like before, I certainly would have been able to think of at least one person I’d like to get revenge on for how they have treated people I care about…but I really, honestly, do not feel that way anymore. Not even about the person some would say I should feel that way about most. I don’t know what changed, and I’m not sure whether this is a change for the good or the bad, but…even the person I’m thinking of, if I could have anything happen to them right now, I would want them to heal. I would want them to find mental clarity, to see what they’ve done and really acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused, and then to do something about it.

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Again, I do realize that that’s most likely impossible, and maybe I’m just becoming more and more naive as I get older, but try as I might, I can’t bring myself to wish revenge on anyone anymore. It’s just not in me now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What part of your day-to-day life requires the most patience?”)

Q&A: Forgiving

The ninety-fifth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the hardest thing to forgive?”

For me, the hardest thing to forgive is anything that someone does despite knowing how much it will hurt me. More specifically than that, it’s anything someone does that they know will hurt me because they know it’s been done to me before and was overwhelmingly painful then, especially if they know it caused trauma to me.

Unfortunately, that is something that’s happened a lot in my life; it tends to be that people “can’t see how anyone could do that” to me when they first meet me, but then within a few months, they turn around and do the exact same thing. Sometimes, I’m not sure if they even realize they’re doing it…other times, I’m very sure they know they are.

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I feel like it should be pretty obvious why that would be the hardest type of thing for me to forgive, but just in case it isn’t, the reason why is that at that point, not only are they hurting me, but they’re actively betraying my trust and, in effect, lying to me; showing me that I am not worth any more to them than I was to the others who did the same thing that they claimed to find so atrocious when they met me.

Examples of the kinds of things people do that fit into this category are using me, cheating on me, being abusive in one way or another, being reliably unreliable, etc. I know that I’m the one who has the real problem here, because I keep drawing those types of people to me, and then letting them in and opening myself up to being hurt…but it’s hard to avoid when you don’t want to shut yourself off to trusting people entirely, and they do a good job of making it seem like they’re not the type of person who would do something like that.

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So, there you have it. The hardest thing for me to forgive is, essentially, betrayal that takes the exact same form as betrayal I’ve suffered previously, when the individual doing the betraying is aware that I’ve been hurt that way before (and especially if they’ve pretended that they can’t imagine doing something like that, knowing all the while that they are fully capable of it and perhaps even intend to do the same thing).

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who is the person you’d most like to take revenge on?”)

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