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Q&A: Forgiving

The ninety-fifth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the hardest thing to forgive?”

For me, the hardest thing to forgive is anything that someone does despite knowing how much it will hurt me. More specifically than that, it’s anything someone does that they know will hurt me because they know it’s been done to me before and was overwhelmingly painful then, especially if they know it caused trauma to me.

Unfortunately, that is something that’s happened a lot in my life; it tends to be that people “can’t see how anyone could do that” to me when they first meet me, but then within a few months, they turn around and do the exact same thing. Sometimes, I’m not sure if they even realize they’re doing it…other times, I’m very sure they know they are.

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I feel like it should be pretty obvious why that would be the hardest type of thing for me to forgive, but just in case it isn’t, the reason why is that at that point, not only are they hurting me, but they’re actively betraying my trust and, in effect, lying to me; showing me that I am not worth any more to them than I was to the others who did the same thing that they claimed to find so atrocious when they met me.

Examples of the kinds of things people do that fit into this category are using me, cheating on me, being abusive in one way or another, being reliably unreliable, etc. I know that I’m the one who has the real problem here, because I keep drawing those types of people to me, and then letting them in and opening myself up to being hurt…but it’s hard to avoid when you don’t want to shut yourself off to trusting people entirely, and they do a good job of making it seem like they’re not the type of person who would do something like that.

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So, there you have it. The hardest thing for me to forgive is, essentially, betrayal that takes the exact same form as betrayal I’ve suffered previously, when the individual doing the betraying is aware that I’ve been hurt that way before (and especially if they’ve pretended that they can’t imagine doing something like that, knowing all the while that they are fully capable of it and perhaps even intend to do the same thing).

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who is the person you’d most like to take revenge on?”)

Q&A: Deserving

The ninety-fourth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who most deserves your love?”

This is a hard one for me, because I don’t think my love is something super special that people need to be deserving of, so it’s hard to say that I think anyone in particular does or does not “deserve” it. But because I do understand what this question is trying to get at, I guess I would have to say that my son most deserves my love.

Generally, I would say those who have been loyal and kind to me would be deserving of my love, and it can’t really be proven that my son has been especially loyal to me since he’s kind of stuck with me at this age, but I think everything else about him and our relationship kind of overrides that fact, in his case. He has been nothing but a wonderful child ever since he was born; he is sweet, generous, thoughtful, loving, intelligent, funny and loves to make people smile…and he’s madly in love with me. Who could be more deserving than that? :)

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So, there you have it. My lovely son most “deserves” my love, though I still hate to even be saying anything like that.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the hardest thing to forgive?”)

Q&A: Painful

The ninety-third question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”

If it wasn’t already quite obvious, through what I’ve posted before, I’ve been through a lot of shit when it comes to relationships. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been raped, I’ve been abused in more ways than one…it’s good times. But honestly, the most painful thing a lover has ever done to me is not something on that list. The most painful thing was being used…and not just used, but thrown away after, like I was never worth anything the entire time.

I’ve talked about it before, but my ex-boyfriend left me the day before my birthday, because I had the gall to stick up for my 4 year old son when my ex said “bite me” to him. That day, and the weeks that followed it, were the most painful time of my life, not so much because of the loss of him, but because of what it meant. He threw me away not because of what I said, but because I was no longer of any use to him.

See, when I met him, he guilted and pressured me into sex too early, and that should have been my first warning sign of what was to come. I should have seen, then, the path we were going down, because I made it very clear to him in our first conversations that I wasn’t comfortable talking about (and definitely wasn’t comfortable performing) sex early on, and I needed to be with someone who could understand and respect that, and get to know and love me for me before anything sexual happened. He told me he could do that, but followed it up with comments about how he’d been with his ex for two years and never had sex with her the entire time because she was scared of it, and he “hoped” he wouldn’t “have to do that again”.

Much later, I found out that that wasn’t even true; that they had had sex and done other sexual things during their relationship, and that during that time he had also had sex with a friend of his (who he was strictly using for sex, since he knew she was in love with him but he wouldn’t be with her romantically – another red flag I should have given more weight to), but even if that wasn’t the case, he still immediately disrespected what I told and asked of him, by not only guilting me about that right out the gate, but attempting to initiate sex on our second date. Looking back, I’m not sure why I ever saw him again after that since it upset me so much afterwards…but what’s done is done.

After that, he very quickly went from ‘guy who loves his job, has a car and is moving out to his own place soon’ to ‘guy who hates his job and wants desperately to do something else, but can’t because he has too much school debt from taking courses his mother wanted him to take, because she told him he would never be good enough to do what he really wanted…has a car that is falling apart and needs major repairs, and is moving out to a place he can’t afford whatsoever’. But I was too wrapped up in him by that point to see how terrible that was going to be for me, so instead of ending things, I tried to do everything I could to ‘save’ him. I tried to help him get a different job; one that had more hours, better pay and could provide some consistency to his life…I bought him food when he didn’t have enough for even a loaf of bread, I paid his rent, I paid for his car repairs, and after a few months, I let him move in with me, because he was drowning in all the things he couldn’t afford, and it was more financially reasonable for me to just let him live with me than to pay two rents. So he moved in with me and my son’s father.

From there, my son’s father moved out (we had agreed to live together for the first year of my son’s life, then part ways), and I gave him the money and help he needed so he could go to school for what he said he’d always wanted to study. When he was in school, he couldn’t work much (and the second year, did not work at all), so I had to support all of us, which led to me working ridiculous hours, almost every day of the week, to afford to pay for everything. Throughout that time, I also tried to help him with the relationships he had with people in his life, primarily his mother, and tried to give him the emotional support and love he needed to get through, which he claimed he wasn’t getting from anyone else.

When he was done school, he had a hard time finding a job, so again, I supported us. When he finally got one, I thought things were going to get better…but instead, he wound up hating that job, and his hatred combined with the health issues he had developed over the course of our years together, led to me spending all my free time trying to find ways to make things better and easier for him.

After a while, he managed to get another job that he liked much better, and that paid well enough for him to support himself. I got him a 3D printer for his birthday, so he was able to make all of the little creations he’d always dreamed of, and he was ecstatic about that. Things really seemed like they were starting to get better, and I thought maybe, just maybe, we might be okay. His health was still bad, but we were managing it, and everything else was coming together.

And then that fight happened, and it was all over. He just left. Looking back now, it’s no surprise; he didn’t need me anymore, so at the first opportunity to get out, he did. He has since spent his time telling others that I forced him into doing what he did in school (because in the end, he was laid off from his job a few months after he left me, and couldn’t find other work in the field) and that his true passion was the same thing he told me his mother had forced him to do. He’s also told people I abused him, and that I put him in the bad position he ended up in, by taking money from him that wasn’t fair to take (which was actually just money that he owed me, and wasn’t even a third of what he really would have owed me had I charged him for everything I paid out in our time together). God knows what else he’s said, but after everything I did and went through for him, I am, of course, the bad guy. And I know now that he will never see it any other way, as I have been informed that he’s just continued in a similar pattern with the girl he’s with now.

So, that was the most painful thing a lover ever did to me. Used me, then left me like I was worth nothing, and in the most painful way possible, because I was no longer of any use to him…and then continued the pattern with the next girl. 3 years of my life spent trying to help someone and make them happy, and it turned out he never actually wanted me, all along.

But that’s what I’m best at, I guess. I am nothing if not useful, at least for a little while. And I am, above all things, extraordinarily disposable. I’m pretty sure that part will always be true.

Sorry for the lack of gifs in this post…it just didn’t seem fitting. That’s all for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who most deserves your love?”)

Q&A: Confession

The ninety-second question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What’s the most difficult confession you’ve ever had to make?”

Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and come up with a few confessions I’ve had to make that were difficult, but I’m not sure which would have been the most difficult, because due to my fear of confrontation, I find pretty much all confessions almost impossible. :P Confessions that stand to hurt someone else are certainly the hardest for me, in general, so I’m sure the answer would be one of those….but I’m not sure which.

Perhaps telling someone who really, really loved me that there was just no way we were ever going to be together, because I didn’t feel the same…I’ve had to do that a couple of times, and it’s been really hard. I know how much it hurts to hear that someone you love doesn’t love you, so I just can’t stand making others feel that way, but sometimes it has to happen…so yeah, I don’t know if that’s the absolute most difficult, but those times would certainly be up there. And I’m going to leave it at that, because I feel really egotistical now.

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most painful thing a lover has ever done to you?”)

Q&A: Needs

The ninety-first question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Who is the person most sensitive to your needs?”

Well, this might be the easiest question yet, and the answer is exactly what you’re probably expecting, since I’ve answered similar questions in the same way before: My wonderful boyfriend. I know, I know, I go on about him on this blog, but he really is the best answer to questions like this! I have never met anyone in my entire life as in tune with me and my needs as he is. He fulfills every one, and he does so with either a smile on his face or an expression of genuine empathy and concern, and always with endless patience.

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I’m sure previous questions have made it very clear that he fulfills my needs sexually, but he also fulfills them socially, and he is so sensitive to my mental and emotional needs that he can often identify when there’s something going on with me (and even, sometimes, exactly what it is) before I have even fully realized that there is. He is so incredibly observant it’s unbelievable, to the point that he can notice the slightest difference in my mind or mood immediately when it happens, and he knows when to be concerned and push, and when to let it go. He has been able to figure out problems for me that I didn’t even know I had, when I’ve been feeling upset but don’t know why, and he always knows exactly what to do to make me feel better – and when to do that versus when to just hold me and let me grieve.

I truly never thought it was possible to find someone so sensitive to me and my needs, and who could make everything feel so safe and seamless. I never have to worry about him getting angry with me because I’m upset, I never have to feel alone when something is wrong (even when I try to pull away, he knows just how to bring me back, and he always does), he has more patience than anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m just so lucky that he is so sweet, caring and empathetic. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m so grateful for having him.

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So, yeah. My boyfriend is most definitely the answer for this one, and I love him with all my heart for that. :)

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What’s the most difficult confession you’ve ever had to make?”)

Q&A: My Country

The ninetieth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What one word would you say best describes your country?”

At the moment? ‘Abused’. I won’t get into a whole political spiel about our government and what’s been going on, but right now, I would say Canada is in a pretty abusive relationship with our “leader” (Harper). He needs to go.

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But that’s all I’m going to say about that, because I really don’t want to get into any of that right now! So we’re abused, and largely unhappy, and that’s all for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Who is the person most sensitive to your needs?”)

Q&A: Brain Power

The eighty-ninth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Whose brain power have you found most intimidating?”

I’m sad to say I’ve found a lot of people’s brain power intimidating in the past. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling, because I know at that point that I can’t easily interact with them because I’m so overwhelmed by just trying to keep up with them, and it makes me feel very stupid. There have been entire conversations I’ve been a part of that were not much more than extended periods of awkwardness, because I was spending all the time that the individual was speaking attempting to figure out what they were actually saying before my turn to speak came up. I’m honestly not sure what it is about some people that makes me so intimidated, because I know other people who are unimaginably intelligent, and I’m not intimidated by them at all…but sometimes it happens, and I can certainly remember a few offhand.

For the most part, I don’t speak with the people whose brain power has intimidated me in the past anymore, not because I don’t like intelligent people (I absolutely do), but because it makes it hard for me to connect with them when I’m feeling really insecure just talking to them. There is one person I do still talk to on occasion whose brain power intimidates me, though, and that’s my old boss. He is incredibly intelligent, verbose, well-traveled and well-read, and I find that that makes me have to think more carefully about everything I’m going to say when I’m speaking with him. The intimidation is not entirely a bad thing when it comes to him, because I’m mostly just impressed by him, and he’s very good at making me feel like I’m at his level when we both know I’m not…but there are still times when I feel a bit overwhelmed.

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So I guess he’s the individual I still continue to interact with whose brain power intimidates me the most; if we’re talking anyone I’ve ever met, it would be a guy I briefly spoke with online on a few occasions. He completely overwhelmed me. :P

That’s it, I guess!

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What one word would you say best describes your country?”)

Q&A: Pierced

The eighty-eighth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “Where would you most hate to be pierced?”

Well, there are a lot of places I’d hate to be pierced (pretty much everywhere except my ears, really), but the ones I would hate the most would be places where it was very likely that the piercing could catch on clothing or something and cause incredible amounts of pain and damage.  The ones that immediately come to mind as being the most unpleasant are clitoral and nipple piercings, which I definitely would not want, but as I said, I would certainly not limit my hate to those two :P I do think they would be the worst, though.

…Yeah, the more I think about it, the more that’s just a whole lotta nope. So there you have it!

This, though; this is cool.

This, though; this is cool.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Whose brain power have you found most intimidating?”)

Q&A: Life

The eighty-seventh question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What is the most interesting kind of life to lead?”

A life free of fear.  If you could live life fearlessly, you could do anything. I don’t mean being naive or ignorant and living beyond your means (so I guess in that sense, financial security/freedom would also be beneficial), but within reason and/or if you had the resources to do what you wanted, being free of fear would allow you to experience so many different and wonderful things, and I can’t think of much that would be more rewarding than that.

I mean, just imagine it: Every day is full of possibilities for someone without fear. They’re not afraid to be themselves, to meet people, to go out and dance in the street if they want to, to try new foods, to take a few days off and just disappear to somewhere they’ve never been, to love whoever they want without worrying about rejection, to be passionate about things, to just….really live. When I talk about an “interesting” lifestyle, I always picture those people who are always off on some new and fantastic adventure, trying something I could only dream of, and they just seem so happy.

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Honestly, that’s the kind of life I want. I want to face all my fears by jumping into them headfirst, and just finally start experiencing things. My boyfriend is very much the adventurous type, and I can’t wait to experience everything I can with him. I hope we are someday in a position that will allow us to travel, so he can teach me to do all the things he does already, and so we can find new experiences that he hasn’t had, and try those together. I will be afraid; that much I know for sure…but I hope someday I won’t be. I want to have things to do, stories to tell, and adrenaline rushing through my veins. I’ve never felt more alive than I have since I met my boyfriend and started trying things with him that I was afraid of, and I feel like if I can keep that up, my life will not only be a thousand times more satisfying, but probably also healthier..and definitely happier.

So, a life without fear; that’s the life for me. It would definitely be much more interesting than the life I’ve led thus far!

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Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “Where would you most hate to be pierced?”)

Q&A: Naive

The eighty-sixth question for the Q&A section of this blog is: “What have you been most naive about?”

This is another of those questions that I feel like I should have a different and/or better answer for, but because I can’t think of what that answer should be, I’m going to go with the answer that came to mind first: My relationships. Not all of them, but most, unfortunately, and most certainly the last one. I have overlooked some major things, in the past, in the hopes that a relationship would work out in the end, and I’ve allowed people to treat me in some pretty horrible ways because I thought they loved me.

I feel really stupid when I look back on all of it now, because it’s so easy to see how I was being used, manipulated and lied to, but at the time, I was just so sure that these people loved me, that they wanted the same things I did and we were working together to get there, and that all the problems were mine, and if I was just better, everything would be okay. So yeah, pretty damn naive and blinded.

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I feel like I could (and perhaps should) go into more detail, but really, what it comes down to is that if people do the right things, I seem to believe they love me no matter how poorly they treat me…and now, when someone is finally treating me right, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how he could actually love me. Fun times all around! :P I think that’s enough for now.

Check out Mike’s answer at http://emptystress.wordpress.com, and please feel free to post your own in the comments! :)

(Next question: “What is the most interesting kind of life to lead?”)

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